Pregnant and cut contact with ex

[Das45]

Hi I'm not sure if this is in the right section.

I broke up with my ex bf back in November and we had a short term relationship for 6 months. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant and informed him as it was the done thing.

He expressed he would want to be involved if I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I chose to proceed as I wanted the baby. I then shared him early scan and asked him if he'd shown his parents which he had.

We met briefly soon after to talk about the pregnancy and then after that I said I just wanted to get through the 12 weeks first before we met again. He said it would be good to meet up after the new year to talk about the baby and expressed he would like to attend one of the scans.

I told him we had a scan in January and it was exciting for us both. I was on holiday over the new year and I went to the scan early on the day I got back without informing him as I was worried. He then asked a week later about the scan and I told him I just attended alone.

Shortly after this he asked if I could prove to show him I would be supportive of his involvement. Otherwise, he would need to seek paternity as a formality and reassurances when the baby's born.

I said to him this was bonkers and that I didn't want him at any more scans if he wanted paternity as a "formality". I said baby with me 90 percent of the time depending on how I feel. He then text saying it appears that I have decided to exclude him from the pregnancy and he will respect my space till the baby's born and to take care. I said I had every right to do the pregnancy on my own and then cut all communication. 2 months later he messaged me ask if me and the baby were ok and I said yes thanks.

He then asked to arrange a call with him as he felt being completely cut off didn't seem healthy for the baby. During the call he expressed he wasn't that fussed about the whole paternity thing and he just felt I wasn't going to be supporting his involvement after I went to the scan I invited him to without telling him.

On the call he asked if we could talk about some rough arrangements for when the baby arrives, he expressed he wanted to be involved as much as reasonably possible, but I told him to fuck off and hung up the phone. He asked to be at least kept updated and I said il think about it.

I then sent him a message telling him no arrangements will be made and that he should just think about the baby's arrival to get excited. I also said that I wanted no court involvement whatsoever and his reply was "he just wanted the child to feel safe and secure knowing we will get on well together to make arrangements and offered any support should I change my mind."I told him no arrangements will be made and I don't need any support from him and cut contact again.

A week or so later I reached out to him as I was afraid he would go to court and said I was just upset about paternity and we had a call to make arrangements and talk. I said I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate just to be a bxxxx but putting him on was the right thing to do. He then asked what sort of arrangements I found suitable and I really didn't know so he made a suggestion of every other day or so for a few hours so he can bond with the baby.

During the call I asked if he still wanted to be involved and he said well he wasn't sure what to do as I cut contact but he'd like to be involved but there were only 3 options, a disaster, walk away or no disaster now I called him.

I felt uncomfortable with this in the middle of the night when I was thinking of it as the only reason I called him was to avoid court. I said it didn't make me comfortable if he was just going to walk away. He said he didn't want to walk away but I was giving him that impression. I text him at 4am that the impression was right as I'd feel less stressed doing it on my own.

He didn't reply to me and I got worried and kept texting him that I was stressed. He finally said all is good and hoped me and the baby were ok.

I text him saying that I didn't want him to feel pressure, he said he wasn't pressured but it felt like I was pressuring him to walk away after he already stated he wants to be involved.

The next day I said to him names were in discussion and I started telling him the names, and said I'd use him grandmas name as in of the middle names he was happy with the names but said it didn't feel like I was actually involving him and just devising for him. I said I needed to have a full connection to the name as I wanted the baby and my body goes through all the changes.

He the said he was happy with whatever names I wanted to choose but regarding the surname, he'd like for the baby to have both our surnames so they feel an identity to the both of us and hoped we could agree.

I text him saying that made my blood boil, and that I kept the baby because I wanted her. I the said that from the beginning I was happy to do it on my own, and that everything he has said is not something I can forgive or forget. I then told him he should reconsider his involvement as no communication will be through me. I then blocked him on all platforms.

That was 3 months ago and I still have him blocked and not heard from him. I'm 8 months pregnant.

What are the thoughts of moms on here on my situation? I don't know if he will go to court or not but he said he wanted to be involved.

You can register the child's birth yourself, be he can then take you to court to have his name added and perhaps even his surname

Will you tell your baby as she gets older that you deliberately excluded her father from her life?

100%

Of course you can make arrangements now. You have things to buy, to prepare for, childcare arrangements to consider. Financial contributions to be agreed until he has the baby 50/50.

There's lots you could be arranging or at least discussing now, as a grown adult, you just don't want to?

Did you get pregnant on purpose OP?

I'm sorry, op, but I really don't understand what he has done.. I think you have made the issue here with him, and all he has done is given you space. You keep telling him one thing, and the next, you have blocked him. And then you arr co olainkng younhavent heard anything from him....You sound very, very hormonal.

Your thread honestly isn't making sense, and tbh if I were him, I would take you to the courts because you are stopping a man from seeing his child for no reason. He said he wants to be in the child's life so
All you have been to do(if there is no chance of you getting back with him) is make arrangements for him to see, baby.

I actually feel really sorry for him. It's like your pushing him away from being a dad. He is trying to be there for his baby and you keep disrespecting him.

What was the reason you blocked him?

This is just the tip of the iceberg.. you are deluded op. Not once have I read that the baby's father doesn't want to be in the babies life. Then u drop this bombshell about someone else raising the baby...... disgusting honestly

Not once have I seen anyone say this...
You are out of order and I so wish that one day when your daughter grows up and she sees this that u have stopped her from seeing her dad who wanted to be in her life...

I think you need to shut up now because I'm not joking ready you comments back to other mumsnetters is making my blood boil... you seem to be one evil women who thinking about herself... and to top it off you are stopping a man from knowing his baby.. he has every right to ask for his name on the birth certificate. No wonder who he is asking for a paternity test seriously. 🙄

Why did you not just go for a sperm donation instead of involving this poor man? Why did you even tell him you were pregnant if all you wanted was the baby? You give single parents a bad name. Shame on you OP. Shame on you.

Earlier I asked what would you say to your child if you push her father out- and you admired earlier that court for you is going to be the excuse, if he doesn't go to court he doesn't care. This narrative your are concocting is so so damaging to your child. I imagine you are spreading a similar narrative to your family.

The impact of this to your child is life changing, it could lead to mental health issues in the future, lack of worth, fear of rejection, not being able to trust socialise with men. Your selfish action will harm your child.

I wonder why you have decided to create this lie- do you have a good relationship with your dad? Do you value men in your life? Can you empathise with others? Do you always put yourself first in every decision you make?

Admitted not admired

This is talked about on here but usually in the case of abusive dad’s give your surname but they appears to be no reason not to put him on bc - I am suspecting you aren’t sure of paternity .

there is literally no point adding to the debate . You aren’t listening to anyone - just keep defending yourself- however if you do want advice then read back the many many pages of advice you have already ignored

@Starlightstarbright2 believe me I'm familiar with paternity. However op hasn't stated what the dad has done. So there for my comment I made is relevant. I haven't ignored anyone's comment. Most people on here are saying the same thing pretty much... just because the dad is asking for a paternity test doesn't make him less human. Clearly he has his doubts.

Explain to me what I have said wrong in what i have said commented. Because then I can correct it and explain myself

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/3916381-Fathers-visitation-to-a-newborn-Shared-Custody?page=1

im confused then. I read this post and everyone there says to make him go court, or once a week, or only twice . don't add him to birth certificate and use mothers surname. Don't double barrel and make him have to go court if he wants that.

This post actually makes me so sad.

My dad wasn't really interested in being there for me when I was growing up and all I ever wanted was a dad who cared and wanted to be there.

You literally have a guy who wants to be a dad. Wants to raise this baby with you, wants to work with you as best he can to help, wants to go to scans etc and you block him on all platforms then complain he hasn't been in touch since?

This guy has done nothing wrong. I'm guessing he literally knows how you react to things hence why he first mentioned paternity. He wants to make sure he's there for his kid and you won't stop him. If I was him I'd 100% go to court. You can't say the baby gets your name and not his because you wanted this baby. When did he say he didn't? He's done everything to show you he does want this baby.

It takes 2 to make a baby so please don't assume you 100% get to call all the shots and say the babies dad gets no contact. Unl3ss you have a very very good reason that just won't happy. Baby is as much his as yours even if you did grow it yourself.

#sighs#

Please read the posts that are directed at your situation and stop looking for validation for you selfish actions.

Court is not a natural or normal progression for deciding childcare after you split. Court is reserved for serious cases where parents cannot resolve their differences or serious issues involving child abuse are evident or a threat.

Court is expensive, time consuming and one of the most stressful periods you will ever have in your life. Therefore like in your situation where communication breaks down meditation is the first option and mandatory before court unless there is domestic violence involved (even then a decision is made by MARAC to determine this).

In mediation you Will forward what you want and he will too and the mediator will try to come to an agreement between the two of you and ensure it's for the best interest of the child. Saying you want no involvement will not be acceptable, they will look into ways contact can be achieved to avoid parent alienation. If you haven't put him on the birth certificate they might persue a dna test and change that (though that will involve a court hearing). Either way it will cost you financially (£140 a session per side when we did it), you will not be able to say no contact unless there is exceptional circumstances, there might be a hearing to confirm paternity and birth certificate. As for names that probably will not change.

If you can't move forward with mediation it goes to court and a judge will decide based on what is in the best interests of the child. And if he can prove parent alienation you might end up being the parent who sees your child less.

What you have quoted the op on that thread has clearly stated that there is another man who can potentially be the father but that someone else doesn't want anything to do with the baby.... her post is irrelevant to your post.

You on the other hand haven't stated what the baby's father has done not expressed why you want to take his parenthood away from him if he is willing to be there and work with you in order to Co Parent and look after the child.

Not everyone is saying that at all. Furthermore The situation is not remotely the same as yours.
the OP clearly states:

”I don't want to stop him from seeing the baby and want to promote a healthy relationship”. She also says she wants to be “fair”.

Her concerns are about the well-being of her baby (being separated from bf mother for too long) and that her ex might be unreasonable about visitation/ might not even be the dad. In your posts you have not indicated any of these things.

Why are we continuing to put 50p in this dickhead?

My thoughts exactly, we should stop feeding the troll- this has to be a pisstake.

Don't be ridiculous. You don't 'own' the baby because you and the dad are not together. He is still the father and will have parenting rights. You don't get to dictate that he won't have them overnights for "years to come" or that he can't get a court order.