Advice please about birth 🙏

[Princess2022]

Hello all mummy's and mummy's to be

I really need advice from you all.
I don't wanna bore you all. I'll try to make it short. I am expecting my 1st baby at the last week of July. I want to give birth vaginally but I became pregnant with artificial insemination and not the natural way. I am too scared to be checked internally. I know it's necessary to have internal examinations coz that's the only way to know how much I'm dilated when I'm in that stage. I wanted to avoid c-section as much as I could. What do I do? 🙁 nobody understands me. I'm so stressed

Please please read the positive birth book by Milli Hill. This will give you so much more confidence and help you to make informed decisions.

There's actually no reason to be examined internally. In fact many women these days decline them, and you are fully within your right to decline as well.

I would also say having conceived vie artificial insemination shouldnt make any difference to the type of birth you have or are able to have.

How you got pregnant is irrelavant.

You can refuse internal examinations. If there's a reason like trauma you can discuss this with midwife, put in your birth plan that you refuse them and ensure midwives at birth know.

There are other ways of telling how birth is progressing without internal checks, midwives can tell by how you behave, monitor data, how your body and bum crack look! And other things.

You might find you don't give as much of a shit about internal exams once you're in labour, you tend to focus on just getting the baby out and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You don't need to have any internal examinations. Just say no.

I never had any, didn't want any. There are almost entirely pointless.

But they told me clearly that they have to check to see far I am. There is no other way. If I refuse how will they know if things are progressing. I was thinking of staying at home for as long as I could when I'm having contractions and monitor them and when it's close to each other then I will go hospital. At 36 weeks I will have a consultant appointment to discuss what I have decided. I'm also gestational diabetic.

Where are you based? In the UK forcing you to have internal exams when you have not consented breaks NICE guidelines and constitutes assault.

*in some of the UK, I’m based in Scotland and we don’t follow NICE but everywhere else does.

I'm in East London

If I can refuse them I would feel so relieved if that is possible. Everyone is putting me down and saying I can't give birth naturally. I'm so stressed.

Who are these people and why are they being so negative? You need to be surrounding yourself with positivity, please don't listen to anyone trying to put you down x

My own close ones. I want encouragement but don't get that 🙁
Thank you for showing care

I'm sure you can refuse, but why exactly don't you want to be examined? If it's because you think that it will be painful, I've had it done loads and its about as uncomfortable as a smear test and takes no time at all. I was really scared too the first time I got it done but it really isn't as bad as your thinking it's going to be.

They need to know how dilated you are for certain pain relief. But you could work around this. I'd agree with staying home as long as possible.

They also need to wait until you're 10cm dilated before you start pushing. But personally I don't agree with this theory. I was stuck at 9cm for what felt like ages, desperate to push with everyone telling me I wasn't ready. When the surgeon eventually checked me before my (reluctant) episiotomy she just moved the last cm out the way with ease!

(Then my second I had at home and the midwife checked and said I wasn't ready but if I feel the urge to push just go with it and listen to my body!)

The reason why I'm refusing for it is because I never had intercourse in my life
It's going to be difficult for me. Today the consultant told me I could get an epidural so I don't feel anything when they try to insert their fingers to check. I don't want epidural either. But I have a feeling I probably will end up having it coz I would be feeling exhausted and might feel better and relaxed after having epidural.
im really scared of tearing azwell
There is so many things on my mind

This is absolute madness from your care providers! Which hospital is this?

Please look up Emma Ashworth Birth Rights and the AIMS website.

You do not have to do anything you don't want to do, full stop. You could give birth at home with no pain relief if you wanted to - even with gestational diabetes! You may not want to make that choice, but it is YOUR CHOICE.

You can even decline consultant lead care if you want to and see only midwives.

Stuff like this gives me the absolute rage.

Sorry I don't wanna name hospital. But after you all telling me that I could refuse examinations I'm so happy now.
I have to express colostrum at 36 weeks I wish it isn't difficult for me to do. I really want to breastfeed but again my close ones put me down I don't think my mum or sisters have ever breastfed. I heard one sister saying it's too painful and other sister saying milk was coming out.

*Wasn't coming out

Why are you harvesting colostrum at 36 weeks? I never did and fed both of my girls exclusively for 6 months and kept feeding for years afterwards. Find some local support for breastfeeding if your family aren't used to it.

Like others have said, you can refuse all vaginal examinations. They aren't necessary. Do follow some good birth workers on Instagram who will advise on how to advocate for yourself and prepare for the birth you want. There are some good home birth infrastructure in East London, the Homerton home birth team are very active for example. You can move hospitals if you want to. I would probably choose Homerton if you have the choice between there, Whipps and Queens.

To address the second part of your post, completely understand you want to avoid c section, but I’d really recommend changing your mindset to accept it may happen, as giving birth is really going into the unexpected. My pregnancy was all normal, i was low risk, and still ended up with an emergency c section. If you haven’t already, maybe do some research about recovery tips and come prepared in your hospital bag, such as bringing a pack of full briefs x

Yes I know someone who home birthed with Homerton too - they seem to have a good team.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can find the kind of support you deserve!

You don't 'need' to harvest colostrum from 36 weeks, it can be helpful but if it isn't happening then don't force it!

I didn't get a drop before I gave birth in my first pregnancy but I had no supply issues once I gave birth.

I was told by the diabetes midwife that at 36 weeks I have to collect colostrum as it will be good for baby if blood sugar is low. Could expressing trigger labour?

You absolutely can refuse internal exams. You don't 'need' to express colostrum. Can I ask how old you are? Have you never had a smear test?

What I would consider is this. You have gestational diabetes. Baby might be bigger than average due to this. Might. Not always. Either way baby is going to be bigger than the hands that would be checking your dilation. Not all babies come down themselves. Some women need help including forceps, ventouse and episiotomy, particularly for first births. The instruments would need to go up before baby comes out, and tears etc afterwards would involve people up there fixing it.

You could have an amazing easy natural birth. You really could. But, if you're extremely resistant to the thought of people and or instruments being up there I would strongly advise you to reconsider skipping that area altogether and go for a C section. What is it about them you're against?

Recovering after c-section takes a long time isn't it? I'm scared if stitches opening. Can that happen?
If i do end up having c-section will Breastfeeding be hard or the same if I had natural birth?
I don't know how will I manage on my own with baby if I have c-section coz there is loads of things I can't do isn't it.
I hope my husband helps me hes always busy with his job. My family wouldn't help at all.
Today consultant told me if I want c-section it will take place when I'm 39 weeks.

Did she really say you 'have' to OP? Or that from 36 weeks it's ok to start trying?

Of course you don't 'have' to, but not everyone can and I don't want you to feel disappointed or like a failure if you can't. Yes it's good to have incase you can't breastfeed straight after birth for whatever reason but formula is perfectly fine in that situation too.

Re. Breastfeeding if your family aren't supportive please please do some reading on it and also find out about services local to you who can support (breastfeeding cafes or clinics) - it does take learning and practice, and it's not necessarily as simple as sticking the baby on and leaving them to it. But most importantly you need people around you who are informed, supporting you, not doubting your decision making as a mother.

I'm 30. Yh I never had a smear test before. I was never comfortable with anything going up there. I'm thinking too much.

If your birth is like my first one was, the baby will be obviously on its way before anyone needs to check a thing. So an internal isn't necessarily useful at all.
But if you have a labour not progressing it might be useful to do an internal to see where you are at. If you don't have one, you can still be cared for its just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle they can't get but they should be avoiding things you know will traumatise.

But you're more likely to have a smooth labour if you are relaxed and not stressed, stress hormones interfere with labour hormones.
Could you go for a home birth where you can feel more in control and you will have one person for the duration. You might be more likely to be less stressed.