Advice please about birth 🙏

[Princess2022]

Hello all mummy's and mummy's to be

I really need advice from you all.
I don't wanna bore you all. I'll try to make it short. I am expecting my 1st baby at the last week of July. I want to give birth vaginally but I became pregnant with artificial insemination and not the natural way. I am too scared to be checked internally. I know it's necessary to have internal examinations coz that's the only way to know how much I'm dilated when I'm in that stage. I wanted to avoid c-section as much as I could. What do I do? 🙁 nobody understands me. I'm so stressed

It sounds like you were asked while you already feel overwhelmed. Call them back and say you thought it over and changed your mind.

Keep in mind that with most questions you can say you need to think it over first.

I have / had vaginismus. Weirdly I didn't find checks during pregnancy painful perhaps because my thoughts were wholly focussed on the baby being ok. I found that knowledge of vaginismus varied greatly between healthcare professionals involved in my care. I even had to explain to one midwife what it was. Definitely get it included on your notes that you likely have it if you think you do so they can prepare.

I loved the idea of a home birth but due to potential complications that could arise with the condition I chose the hospital. Therefore I felt I'd be in the right place should vaginismus cause risky problems for baby. I didn't want to take any risks. I was prepared for emergency c section but be aware if you are progressed too far along this isn't always possible. I was planning a water birth and to engage hypnobirthing techniques but ended up with planned c section due in part to big baby size. The c section meant I didn't have to consider the vaginismus. I have no complications from the operation itself although appreciate some do but there are also potential long term complications from vaginal births too. You need to balance the pros and cons to you as neither option is without cons.

For hypnobirthing I was going to use resources from the positive birth company.

If you are looking for others experience in treating vaginismus for after you've given birth and recovered, I treated my vaginismus using dilators starting small to create positive muscle memory. I did the exercises following the guidance of this e book:
hopeandher.com

Seriously think about getting a doula. I think you need someone to keep you calm and help you through this.

If you’re only speaking to a regular therapist, then they won’t specialise in this area. The perinatal mental health team will work with you, your community midwife and your consultant to make a full birth plan.

Please do read this OP, you need to speak to the perinatal mental health team. Your situation is absolutely what they are there for, to support and guide you through this and also to advocate for you and make you fully aware of all the options open to you and prepared for all possible outcomes.

Please do ask to speak to them, it's completely fine to have changed your mind and say you think you would like their help after all

Please get all the help you can. I am concerned how you are going to manage with a newborn given how stressed you're feeling now.

That's really good MariaVT65
I will call up tomorrow

Hi Creepyrosemary
My hubby will be with me
I need to discuss everything with him way before and also write it down.

Hi unfortunateevents
The midwife who I'm seeing for diabetes did after I told her everything.

Thank you Creepyrosemary for the lovely message. If you don't mind me asking how long did it take you to move about after c-section?

Your right in a way onthenightfeed
I was crying over the phone with my husband that I'm soo confused about what to do. I told him my main concern is if I do hav c-section then how would I look after baby on my own i will need help lifting things etc. He said he would stay home with me till I'm not fully recovered

Yh Creepyrosemary I will give them a call thanks x

I never expected so many replies from people thank you so much everyone x
I was in 2 minds at first
But now things are getting bit clearer for me

Hi pinkflute
I've been practicing loads last year using dilators. I never thought I will be able to insert it. There was around 5 from smallest to biggest and I was at size 4. That helped me so much to get comfortable in insemination.
Still can't believe i fell pregnant twice the first time round. I wasted 7 years. Only if I knew about it

Yh definitely monsteramunch
I will ring them.

A c section is not as scary as ppl make it out to be, I've had 2 and we're fine.. if u have hubby on hand to help thrn either better so then no need to do vagina. Prob solved

I know Angelik 🙁
I've never been happy to say the truth
Very less times. I'm so looking forward for baby's arrival. And that time I will cry in happiness not sadness

Even better thwts meant to say as hubby can help with picking up baby as u will need to take it easy for a few weeks

I know you’ve had lots of replies, I just wanted to post to say that you really don’t need to worry.

I was terrified with my first, but really it’s ok, I kept asking my mum when I would know when labour started, and as for when to push, and what if I poo myself. She just smiled and said I looked amazing pregnant swollen legs and all, I will know if/when/how when the time comes and there will be plenty of people to help me, and nothing lasts forever even child birth

you know what, she was right, I just wished I’d enjoyed those last few weeks of pregnancy instead of worrying, when you go into labour your body takes over, and when you get far enough for examinations, you really won’t care, just remember you have nothing different to anyone else, and if you get stressed have a puff of gas and air - wonderful stuff 😀

Yh kermitloving
I think that's the best option
I been watching so many vlogs of women giving birth naturally and reading so much. Now I have to start researching more about c-section and how i will recover from it

With your therapy OP is the aim to work through the fear of having anything touching you so you can have intercourse with your husband? How does your husband feel about never having intercourse with his wife?

Mummumgem thank you for your reply
My family is not so caring. If I want help they want something in return
Nobody helps from their heart

We had so many problems M340 because of my fears
I always thought he will leave me
He's always said to me no matter what he can never think of leaving me 🙁
But I know it's not fair on him. Because of me he has to suffer. I wish I am able to come out of this and be normal like everyone else. I don't think there is another person as rubbish as me honestly. I'm good for nothing. Years ago I tried to harm myself because of this stress

You are absolutely not good for nothing OP. And it's good that your husband is so supportive. Have you tried dilation?

I don't wish to offend at all but you come across as incredibly low and vulnerable OP and my concern is that with all the hormone changes after birth and postnatal depression you may be vulnerable and susceptible of this. No one needs tell you how hard it is with a newborn. The sleep deprivation and everything else that comes with it, I worry you're quite mentally unstable. Especially as you say you need this baby as you're lonely. Before you did the artificial insemination did you think you had your fears under control? Obviously it's way too late now but perhaps seeing as you're already mentioning baby number 2, give yourself some time to try and get through all of this. It sounds a bit if a mess and you are crying out for support but you need to do your own but and not say no to everything (epidural, C sec) etc as you're going to make your expected birth experience very limited when the real experience could be vastly different. A lot of this should've been ironed out before you got pregnant but you sound like you're trying your best.

There's an awful lot to unpick here and I think you need a lot of support. I'm going to be brutally honest here but it doesn't sound like you're ready to have a baby. Which links back to why I think you need as much support as you can get.

Good luck with everything OP.

You say you and your husband have so many problems because of your fears.
You think your husband will leave you.
That you're lonely and need this baby because you're lonely. (Becoming a mum can be lonely.. especially in the early days)
You can't have sex with your husband
You have no real life support (is your DH supportive?)
You've tried to harm yourself in the past.
You got yourself pregnant before you worked through your fears around any vaginal intervention (which is likely during birth)
Your close family unit is unsupportive
You are putting an immense amount of pressure and expectation on this birth being straight forward without intervention or being checked at all

Please give yourself some time before you have a second baby. I only say this because you mentioned how you will cope with a second baby. My worries are really how you will get through the first.

I genuinely don't mean to be goady at all, but I honestly think a lot more thought should've gone into this before you got pregnant.

My heart goes out to you OP.

I don't mind anything your saying M340
My husband's family was giving him so much pressure that if we are finding it difficult to conceive we should go hospital and get checked out but they don't know the actual reason that we wasn't trying at all for a baby because of me. And my mum was also always putting me down by comparing me with my other sisters that their children are grown up and kids are important in life etc. She never understood how desperately I need kids in my life.

Why do you so desperately need kids in your life OP?