Due December 2023 part 4

[wannabemum38]

Part 4 thread ladies

Congratulations @TulipVictory that's a great pic! That happened a friend of mine too but all was good!

@TulipVictory congratulations and glad everything went well. Wonderful picture as well :)

Congrats @TulipVictory you get another bonus scan too 😊

Maternity for me will be short sadly, 3 months max (all being well of course) and SMP only.

I'm a self employed hairdresser, I work alone in my own space so will still have to pay the rent and bills. Most hairdressers only take 2-4 weeks, so I'm fortunate to have built a clientele who can happily go 3-5 months without needing their hair done but If I take more than 3 months post birth, I may as well take a year as I'd be starting my business all over again and still have to pay the rent. I plan on breaking up the Saturday before Christmas week, due 27th, but obviously I'll have to play that by ear with the standing and working all day side. Luckily I can control my own hours so if I need to, I can do more days but shorter hours towards the end, but everyone will want their big appointments to get them through to April time, so it'll be a balancing act for sure. Obv if my health says no, I'll have to stop earlier, but that's my current plan.

I am terrified of announcing the birth to my clients though - it's a known thing that the minute a hairdresser announces they're pregnant, they lose 50% of their clientele who start testing other hairdressers out while you can still fix it if it's goes wrong 🙈 I don't think my clients will feel the need to do this though but it's in the back of my mind all the same. I need to give them enough notice so we can at least plan their next 2 visits though effectively.

Does anyone know how long you can claim SMP for?

We had our 16 week check up today (at 17th weeks) and got to listen to the heart beat ❤️. She struggled to find it as baby kept move it around - you could hear them moving, when she found the heart beat you could actually hear them moving closer and further away. It was lovely to hear. I'm so thankful she tried because we didn't get to hear it at the scan, we saw the heart pumping away, but didn't see it.

Congratulations on your bonus scan too 🥰

@RG84 im so sorry to hear how everything was with your first and obv creating some anxieties around May leave for this one. Def concentrate on the house move first and do things one step at a time. I've found When we try to do it all we become paralysed with overwhelm and burnout and it becomes impossible to get your thoughts straight.

Wishing you luck in the house love 💕

@Nclktnntt this has lots of info about maternity allowance https://www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance

Bought the first few bits for baby today, a little dino teddy and a sleep suit that DD helped pick out. Need to get all her clothes down from the loft and see what we can reuse for this baby boy and pass on the rest. Hoping to do some clothes swaps with friends to limit how much extra stuff we need to get, then top up anything with vinted/ebay.

Checking in, now 18 +4. Listened to the heartbeat last week which was lovely and reassuring as it felt a while since the scan. Started to feel some movement and remembering how distracting this might be. How is everyone doing?

Glad your appointments went well and you were able to listen to the heartbeat. Always so relieving when you have to wait for scans.

I told my manager today, she was super happy for me. I'll tell the rest of the team on the 2nd Aug when I see them. I have my 20 week scan on the 31st July so also want to make sure all is okay.

@RG84 glad your manager was great about it. I'm telling rest of my small team tomorrow!
Had lots of bubbles last few nights so lovely. Shame my OH has zero interest in it all...really getting me down to be honest he basically turned round and said he can't bond with just a bump and so that's that. Had a real rough week with him not talking at the moment and questioning whether he is mature enough and too selfish to be a dad. On verge on calling off wedding I'm that upset with him. But he doenst care just sits on his xbox ignoring me.

@wannabemum38 im so sorry to hear that and it must be so hard for you and you guys as a couple. Honestly, I think your partner needs to speak to a professional. He has to be willing though of course. Feeling scared / nervous is normal but to be almost pretending like it's not happening seems to me like he's struggling mentally to accept what's happening and ignoring you when you need support most too.

My husband listened to my tummy when I thought I felt something, maybe you could suggest that next time. Whatever you decide, we're all here for you.

Had my 20 week scan today and so relieved that all is progressing nicely with our baby! Nothing of concern brought up, so just hoping to pass the GD test next month so I’m still low risk.
I had a midnight panic attack last night, like all the worries and anxiety just erupted to the surface. Felt like I couldn’t breathe, which is odd because since being pregnant, my mental health has been wonderful, and a drastic improvement on pre-pregnancy.
I’ve been feeling him move, but not super obviously. Was told I have an anterior placenta, which makes sense.
Hows everyone feeling at this point in the pregnancy?

@NoodleQueen90
Im NHS and trying to work out how much I would get if I split it over 52 weeks. how does that work? I’ve emailed payroll and they can’t give me a forecast. Also, does the SMP get averaged out over 52 weeks too? Or are they calculated and paid totally separate? Hoping to do loads of extra hours for the next 5 weeks to boost my average.

@GlitterDragon glad your scan went well. Cross fingers your GD test comes back negative I have mine booked in at 28 weeks.
I also had a panic attack night before a scan just freaking out that I'd lost it. I used to suffer from them regularly they are scary. But as I've learnt pregnancy is a very overwhelming thing to go through.
@Nclktnntt He bottles up his emotions always has never talks about his feelings. I tried talking to him tonight telling him how lonely I feel and that it feels like he doesn't want this baby half the time. I said if I can't trust him to be my support now then how is he going to be there for us when baby is here and I need him more. He just sits there and says nothing its so infuriating. I said I'm better off doing it alone than have him there and not taking an interest. He is very immature for an almost 40 year old. I said baby is most important thing in my life right now which he didn't like cos we are meant to be getting married soon and he said baby has taken over the wedding. But the heartache and loss we have been through this baby is a miracle so it is very important to me. Am.i wrong in saying that?!

Hope everyone is doing ok, glad to read that scans have gone well and babies are doing well!

I have my 20 week scan on the 31st so looking forward to seeing the little wriggler (very active bub and must have long legs like their sister by the feel of it 😅). 18+4 now and dh can feel kicks which is lovely.

I'm a teacher and cannot describe how relived I am that there's only 2 days left 🥲

@GlitterDragon I've no idea to be honest, I tried working it out but it's way too difficult. I have an increment in September so not sure what my take home full wage will be once that kicks in. Also not sure how deductions like superannuation are managed eg do they still take that off your 8 weeks full pay? It's very confusing!! We're quite lucky in that we have a very small mortgage on a basic house and always try to work it so that we could live off one wage if need be so anything I get while on mat leave is a bonus.

@wannabemum38 I'm so sorry to hear you're not being supported by your partner. I think lots of men find it really difficult to imagine a baby until it's here but it's no excuse not to at least make the effort to support you. I don't think I could put up with the Xbox thing either, he's a grown man 🙈
My oh has 2 older children so he's done it twice before and still thinks it's like a crazy magic thing...he forgets sometimes that I'm pregnant and can't imagine a real baby living with us until it's here but he's making the effort and has been really supportive. I can't imagine having to cope with all the worries on my own.
I agree with what pp has said that if he's willing, maybe he should talk to someone about it. Is he attending scans with you? Maybe he could attend some of your midwife appointments too? Maybe if he had to be involved in discussions about birth and your health, he might realise how big this is for you!

@wannabemum38 of course you're going to feel that way. I feel that way and haven't gone through the heartache and losses you both have. The health of your baby and ultimately yourself will naturally be your priority and when baby is with you they will always come first.

I can also imagine that could be hard to hear for your partner though, esp when you've gone through so much to get to this point - although he should also understand why. His reactions just now - could they be him protecting himself? He could be terrified of this pregnancy not going to term because it's something neither of you have control over but he can't feel what we feel, Which in turn, is not allowing him to enjoy your stages pregnancy together, it's harder for the partner to feel as connected as we do I guess, because it's our bodies that change and they just feel the same, so almost feels unreal to them in a way.

Have you guys had any counseling individually or together around the pregnancy and what you guys have been through? (You don't have to answer that) I've found it odd, in todays day & age especially, how they still only ask us how we are feeling and coping psychologically but they never ask the partner. if you've not done counselling together around everything maybe it could be an idea.

The reason I'm thinking this is that From what you've said, this could be a protective mechanism he's built dating from his childhood when he doesn't know how to handle his feelings and as a result he could be disassociating and in return shutting down and becomes emotionally unavailable to you too. It doesn't mean he doesn't want the baby, he might not know himself how he's feeling at the moment so doesn't know how to articulate that.

If he won't talk to a doctor/professional, maybe see if he'll try journaling, where he can mind dump his thoughts and feelings each day then close the book. You can't read it though, but usually it's the starting block and maybe he'll start talking things through with you more, these things take time though and also take time to even try as it seems very woowoo esp for men, but it might help him realise his feelings as a beginning step.

I do hope it's more he needs additional support himself over the idea that he's being an arse.

@NoodleQueen90 he attends scans but until he gets in the room he is playing on his phone so doesn't talk to me. After the scan when all looks OK he just says u can stop f*ing worrying now cant u. Obviously I've been anxious due to previous losses and even this pregnancy was a twin to start with he doesn't understand the worry and tells me I need to be more positive. He can't attend MW appointments cos of getting more time off but not sure it would help really. He is just selfish I don't think he wants to give up his manchild life for anyone. We haven't lived together long and the baby has driven us apart not brought us together just highlighted the differences between us I think. Plus he lied about a money thing too recently which is why I'm so mad at him so trust is at an all time low right now.

@Nclktnntt I've tried talking to him about his worries about negative stuff and fears over losing baby but he said he doesn't like to think about it. He shuts down always has he won't have counselling although it has been recommended to both of us.

@wannabemum38 im so sorry your going through this, effectively alone. His actions also won't be helping you psychologically either but he could think he is by saying let's be positive but he's not interacting with bump so his actions say he's not feeling positive himself, moreover he's trying not to think negativity.

Him speaking to bump, touching and feeling it may come later, my midwife asked yesterday if we're interacting with bump now, touching and talking, telling stories to them. I think it's helped us not to refer to them as bump, we refer to them as whatever fruit they are the size of that week 😂 every night my husband says goodnight and every morning good morning to, this week, our little pomegranate. Maybe just a little interaction like that might help him feel closer.

The Xbox would drive me insane though. Esp if it was taking time away from us being together .

@Nclktnntt We have called it little bean from the start and he was saying goodnight to it to be fair up until this week where we have been sleeping in separate rooms. But apart from that I talk to them all the time and been singing to them etc
We have our 20 wk scan tomorrow but I'd rather go alone i don't even want to be in same room as him at the moment.
We had an argument regarding money which kicked it all off anyway he has betrayed my trust not for the first time and I warned him last time he did it again I would walk. Don't think he respects me at all sometimes. I should be happy and looking forward to scan and wedding and I'm not im miserable and crying every day.
Sorry for hijacking thread
Hope everyone's OK and lots more positive scans soon.

@wannabemum38 Sorry things aren’t going well in your relationship. You sound completely reasonable. I do think bonding with the bump isn’t for everyone and so that wouldn’t worry me. I do think the ignoring you and lack of trust is the issue. I hope things work out for you.

@wannabemum38 so sorry you're having to deal with all this stress. From what you have written on her I think the least you should do is delay the wedding. Some nerves and doubts are normal but this should be such a happy and exciting time (the wedding and the baby) but it seems like you're feeling just dread and stress (about marrying him and raising a child with him). Yes delaying the wedding would be a big stress, but it needs to be right.

I hope you don't mind me saying but from what you've written on here it doesn't seem like he has much respect for you and that resentment and contempt has seeped into the relationship. I could be completely wrong, only you know what it is like day to day, but you may be right that you may be better off doing this alone. Please take some time to consider what you want and what is best for you and your little bean.

Sorry you’re going through this @wannabemum38 it sounds like you have a lot going on!
main priority is and should be looking after the baby by taking care of yourself
hopefully your oh will grow up a bit over the next few months. It’s best just to carry on being open and hope it isn’t falling on deaf ears x