Who invented keeping quiet until 12 weeks 😠

[Mangotango39]

trigger warning MC.

third pregnancy, two prev mc (one MMC)
I am lucky to have now fallen quickly and I am not letting worry cloud my excitement - I have taken the approach that everything is ok until it isn't.

one thing that annoys me is not telling people until the 12 week mark. Now I wouldn't go posting on social media but I want to tell my friends and family.

when I miscarried, I found it easier telling people when they already new I was pregnant personally. And now I only tell people that would know if something happened (touch would it doesn't)

but I don't understand who made this '12 week' tradition , like we have to suffer in silence until this point?

our bodies are going through mayhem , we are excited, scared, poorly and yet we are almost forced to keep shut?
I really don't get it to be honest.

rant over 😁

I mean, it’s not the law or a rule not to tell anyone until 12 weeks. I think it just evolved so women weren’t telling people they were pregnant and then having to say they’d miscarried. Tell whoever you’re comfortable with telling.

Nobody has?

tell people if you want 🤷‍♀️

many people prefer not to until they’ve had the 12 week scan and the chance of MC is less likely in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Some people prefer not to have to keep telling acquaintances in the street who heard about the pregnancy and not the mc.

there’s no “rule”, it’s personal choice who you tell and when. No one is going to think badly or judge.

good luck with this pregnancy.

I agree with you. I've never miscarried, but I don't understand the 12 week thing. It's not like the baby suddenly becomes real at 12 weeks, it's real and alive from conception. If you miscarry during the first 12 weeks the baby was still a fact and you need to grieve.

Good luck, OP. I'm a believer and will pray for you and your child.

Before easy pregnancy testing existed, (NOT very long ago, girls) the only way a woman knew she was pregnant, was after missed periods. At least two.

Do whatever you want. I think there's the risk of miscarriage, and also a risk the 12 week scan would show analogies and result in termination, which people may not want to discuss.
But if you want to tell people then do.

It's not a rule.

I'm quite an open person. I told close family and friends once I was far enough along to be reasonably convinced the pregnancy was sticking, so about 8 or 9 weeks and I told my mum the day I got a strong positive line on a test.

Like you, when I had a miscarriage just before 12 weeks, I really appreciated the support I got from people that had known I was pregnant. People rallied round me, sympathised, cooked nice meals and kept me going.

It's a personal choice, there's no point making the choice not to then getting angry with others because of it.

I'm glad I waited before telling others as I had a trisomy diagnosed at 12 weeks, so could terminate without having to address any questions from family or friends afterwards. No one ever knew I was pregnant and I preferred to keep things that way. Never had a miscarriage but I know I'd feel the same, just not interested in oversharing these things with others.

You say this, but I told a friend and they said it's too soon to be telling people 😁it kind of is an unwritten rule

Thank you that's very kind 🤗

It just feel like we are sort of silenced prior to 12 weeks.

yes, I definitely needed the support and it's the only thing that got me through last time. I'd have hated to feel alone .

I’d have done labour twice if I could have swopped it for the first trimester. I found those first twelve weeks absolutely brutal.

I’m an introvert and would have preferred not to tell anyone until the baby was delivered but the only time I really needed support was in the first trimester. And the idiots who imply that you’re somehow jinxing the pregnancy need slapping.

Tell whoever you like OP. I've told close family and a couple of friends well before 12 weeks, plus my employer. The people I'd need support from if I had a miscarriage. I really believe women shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed of having a miscarriage, but at the same time I wouldn't want all the people I know to have to be told when I'm already upset about it. Dealing with all the kindly meant messages, calls, no thanks, I'd have enough going on.

You're not silenced, tell whoever you like.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned as a mother is that you have to tune out other people's opinions and do what feels right to you.

It starts at conception as you've found. Wait until people weigh in on what you eat, how you give birth, how you feed the baby, where they sleep, when and if you return to work. It doesn't end.

Start as you mean to go on- do what works for you and let your opinionated friends words go over your head.

Wishing you all the best with this pregnancy.

It just feel like we are sort of silenced prior to 12 weeks.

Get a grip, stop being such a drama queen.

I always thought it was because back in the day before pregnancy tests, a woman would wait until she missed 3 periods to confirm she was pregnant with a doctor?

But I can't remember where I heard that from so it could be totally false!

Do what you want.
I had a MC 48 hours after I passed the 12 week mark and had just told everyone

When I had my kids I was living overseas and I was quite surprised to find out that other countries don't have this 12 weeks thing. Eg my American friend told everyone straight away.

I have had 4 mc in between my kids and I have done it every which way:

everyone knew I was pregnant and I told them I had mc
noone knew I was pregnant and I told them I'd mc
nonone knew and I didn't tell anyone I'd mc.
everyone knew and I went on to healthy pregnancy
I didn't tell anyone until I was 12 weeks and had healthy pregnancy

I think we only managed to keep it quiet until 12 weeks in one pregnancy.

By far the hardest was telling people I had mc when they hadn't known I was pregnant.
Closely followed by telling people I was pregnant again. This one was hard because I didn't want ANY congratulations until after 12 weeks, but I had to tell people (can't remember why now) and they all wanted to be happy and say congratulations and I just wanted to tell them to be quiet and don't tempt fate.

Noone is silenced and everyone has a personal view on it all anyway. When I got a positive pregnancy test, I had waited until I had missed 2 periods because I have pcos. I then only had a couple of weeks to go until 12 weeks/first scan. I guess if you test v early it feels like a long wait. With my second positive, I had also missed 2 periods. However, when I miscarried a week later, I didn't consider I had lost a baby and I didn't need to grieve or recover, but also as I hadn't told anyone, it was then my business if I wanted to share it. You tell whoever you want, noone is stopping you.

Jesus, bit harsh - here for a discussion not an attack 😁
we are silenced though like miscarriage and loss before 12 weeks isn't as serious. And I got these exact sorts of comments before when I lost when I needed to tell work for my op - the comment was 'atleast it was early at 10 weeks'
so nope, not a drama queen!

Of course we're not silenced. It's perfectly normal to tell close friends and family before the 12 weeks scan. Everyone has their own level of what they're comfortable with. Losses can happen after 12 weeks too. What a strange post....

I told my parents/siblings/close friends as soon as I found out.

I agree, I’m currently 7 weeks and bite the bullet and told friends/family/work.

It was stressing me out making up vague reasons as to why I won’t be coming on a hen weekend/paying deposits for events or coming to bottomless brunch.

Also trying to pretend I’m fine when being sick at work and feeling exhausted just made it worse!

I feel relief since telling people. It was so stressful hiding being sick everyday, saying I have a tummy bug but then being questioned why I was still at work then.

Also having friends trying to book to do things this year and me coming up with vague reasons why I can’t and them coming back with other inappropriate alternatives that I have to think of further excuses why not. So stressful!

If the worst should happen, I’ll be so glad of the support.

It is interesting isn't it that people feel that they should comment on how you feel?

I felt worst after my first mc, even though it was only 5 weeks.
This is because it was a shock and it then meant that I couldn't trust those early pregnancy days, always waiting to mc.

My last was 10 weeks and pretty traumatic physically. But I coped better emotionally as I knew what was happening etc.

this is my personal experience after multiple losses and the comments I have received - maybe you have experienced differently.

there is a stigma though.

When I was pregnant with my first (never miscarried before) I didn’t tell a soul - not even my mum - because she had suffered terrible fertility problems. So she would of stressed me out more because she would of been worried for me. I know I was still doing it to appease someone else, but that was my perspective.