Who invented keeping quiet until 12 weeks 😠

[Mangotango39]

trigger warning MC.

third pregnancy, two prev mc (one MMC)
I am lucky to have now fallen quickly and I am not letting worry cloud my excitement - I have taken the approach that everything is ok until it isn't.

one thing that annoys me is not telling people until the 12 week mark. Now I wouldn't go posting on social media but I want to tell my friends and family.

when I miscarried, I found it easier telling people when they already new I was pregnant personally. And now I only tell people that would know if something happened (touch would it doesn't)

but I don't understand who made this '12 week' tradition , like we have to suffer in silence until this point?

our bodies are going through mayhem , we are excited, scared, poorly and yet we are almost forced to keep shut?
I really don't get it to be honest.

rant over 😁

I told a few people, the people who I would have told if I was MC for support. As you say, easier to explain MC to someone who knows you’re pregnant. I definitely didn’t feel silent as these were my closest friends and family.

I had two pre-12 week losses in which I had the support of those who I had told but I went on to suffer a loss at 17 weeks on the third pregnancy, obviously by this point everyone knew and that was much much harder to address afterwards.

It's personal preference, not a rule. It probably comes from mc being swept under the carpet in the past but has stuck so people don't have to tell people they are no longer pg if they miscarry - which is much more likely to happen before 12 weeks than after.

Some of my close friends knew from conception as we had ivf and talked about the process. But I didn't tell other people until after 12 weeks as I didn't want to have to tell loads of people I had miscarried if it didn't work out (as did happen with my first ivf pregnancy).

My son was born in 1984 and I used a home pregnancy test which you needed to be 2 weeks late for. My daughter was born in 1988 and by that time ovulation tests were available (I used them) and pos tests were commonplace and sensitive enough to work the day your period was due. I was born in 1957 and my mother’s pregnancy was confirmed by examination after 2 missed periods but tests became more available through the 1960s albeit via doctor/midwife. 15 years ago there were definitely readily available home tests.

Well I only told close family and friends about my pregnancies in the first few weeks.

I then announced my third at 12 weeks thinking I was in the clear. MC at 15 weeks. It was horrific.

I had to tell people as soon as I got a positive test, because of the nature of my work. I was never told it was too early to tell! Then I did actually experience bleeding, so decides I wanted to tell my mum as well, for support (baby was fine).
I'd say the rule is a lot looser now, especially when women work in so many varied roles, where their job needs altering to be safe. And miscarriages are less hush hush, and talked about more now.

It is a weird 'unsaid rule' type thing. Ultimately it is your decision as you well know. But there is a weird stigma around it - people cannot deny that. I don't get why people tend to be so dismissive and mean on the net of someone else's feelings. Obviously this is how you feel and that's that, none of us have a right to dismiss that. I'm sorry to hear about your previous MCs. Its only being pregnant that I understand the fear we live in until we hit the second trimester and whilst it can still happen we feel safer then. I'm currently 10 weeks with our first and we've Umm'd and ahh'd over when we tell family based on this whole thing. We agree we would tell them either way.

My close friend found out she was to be a grandmother when her DIL was only 6 weeks I think (if that) and she told me in secret due to her excitement and I know her son well. She also told me the mother of her DIL had pretty much shit them down saying all the negatives of what could happen before the 12 week mark and to not tell people yet. So yes there is a weird rule around it all. I believe it's more a protective rule, to protect yourself from reliving the upset / hurt / trauma when people ask about a pregnancy that has ended in MC. Me and my friend both firmly believe that at both times - positive and sad times - we need our closest friends and family for support. It should not be something that is silenced and definitely shouldn't be something we go through alone.

You know you can tell whoever you want whenever you want and I don't think people are grasping that your not asking for permission but just venting and frustrated at the responses you've received when telling people. I'm sorry you've had to go through that.

15 years ago there were definitely readily available home tests.

yes, but what I actually said was 15 years ago you could get home tests but only from the first day of your missed period. And while they worked, you got a fair number of false negatives and had to test again 4 -5 days later.
Now they are available from before you even miss a period.

But when I was at uni, they were new - the ones that worked from the first day of your missed period. I remember them being advertised on TV and the idea that you could test from day 1 was so exciting. That was a good few years before my 15 year old was born! More like mid - late 1980s.

I agree. Okay yeah it's not a rule yea, however I will say - I told everyone at 9 weeks. I felt comfortable to do so and frankly I was feeling so shit with morning sickness I felt like I wanted people to be understanding of me not being particularly present. Anyways, the amount of people who reacted with "oh so quite early. Aren't you not supposed to tell till 3 months?" I def didn't expect that...

Lots of women won't even be aware that it's quite a common time they could miscarry. It was so taboo for ages. There is much more awareness these days but it was never discussed much before.

The 12 week mark creates awareness of the possibility and that it can affect anyone at those early stages so they feel less confused and alone if it happens.

We told our parents at 6 weeks with our first pregnancy. This time we aren't 100% sure on dates so are waiting until the dating scan before telling anyone.
Do whatever you feel is best for you and your family 🥰

Just do what you want? Most of my friends have told before 12 weeks if I've seen them. It's a personal choice to tell whoever, whenever you want to, or not.