Who invented keeping quiet until 12 weeks 😠

[Mangotango39]

trigger warning MC.

third pregnancy, two prev mc (one MMC)
I am lucky to have now fallen quickly and I am not letting worry cloud my excitement - I have taken the approach that everything is ok until it isn't.

one thing that annoys me is not telling people until the 12 week mark. Now I wouldn't go posting on social media but I want to tell my friends and family.

when I miscarried, I found it easier telling people when they already new I was pregnant personally. And now I only tell people that would know if something happened (touch would it doesn't)

but I don't understand who made this '12 week' tradition , like we have to suffer in silence until this point?

our bodies are going through mayhem , we are excited, scared, poorly and yet we are almost forced to keep shut?
I really don't get it to be honest.

rant over 😁

I said nothing until 26 weeks, as I decided to have amnio even before I was prégnant and not to continue if they found a problem

No it's because statistically (I think 80-90%) of miscarriages happen in the first trimester (or 12 weeks).

So if you make it that far you can be reasonably certain you're having a baby and that's the news you're sharing.

You can share earlier though obviously. It's a personal decision.

My youngest is 15
When I was pregnant you could only get tests from first day of missed period.

And I can remember being at uni when those home tests became a real thing, they were advertised on TV and I remember thinking it was amazing. Until then you had to go to GP for a test, and they often sent you away until you had missed your second period.

the early tests really are very new

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was 20 weeks, both times.

You tell people when you want to, be it 6 weeks or 20 weeks or whatever.

That's crazy - I can only imagine what another 15 years will do for technology of early pregnancy!

You can only be silenced if you let people silence you.

Tell who you like. My best friend and close family knew really early because if I'd have had a miscarriage, I'd have wanted their support.

talk about your miscarriages where reasonable and safe for you to do so. If someone says oh first pregnancy, so exciting, say to them actually it's my 3rd, hopefully 1st baby, it's really scary but I'm trying to be hopeful or however else you feel. Don't he cowed into keep up the silence. Chances are people will open up and say oh gosh, me too or similar.

I know it's "kinda lighthearted" but you're right, women shouldn't feel they have to bow to age old tradition about their own bodies

We "announced" our second DD at 10 weeks. DH was about to be deployed (Army) and his leaving party was a double celebration. A bit morbid, but we knew it could be his only chance. Some people knew before then.

Sorry your friend was a bit dickish. You do have a point... miscarriage needs to be more widely talked about because people need support. People are scared to talk about.

I think its evolved. Early detection kits are relatively new and people wouldn't have even known or been tested for pregnancy until 2 missed periods before then (and no testing at all for most of time!) So I imagine 12 weeks was probably when most were sure by then. A lot of the time it wasn't confirmed until the first movements were felt around 18plus weeks.

Added to the general rule that if you get to 12 weeks it's most likely viable so a lot of people prefer to wait until then.

There's no rule though, tell who you like! I told people who I knew I would want support from if something went wrong (namely my parents!)

With my 1st I told some people before 12 weeks - including my employer as they wanted to make some changes to my job which didn't fit with me being pregnant. DC1 was born with a rare chromosome disorder and resulting in severe disabilities so when I was pregnant with DC2, I told no one (including family) as I wanted genetic testing and the ability to decide on termination if necessary without judgement from elsewhere.

So, no rule, just personal preference.

What did you do when people asked tho cos at 26 weeks pregnant you'd have been obviously pregnant surely? There's no way I could hide my bumps that late (thanks, Twins)

I’ve been pregnant with six babies and I have one son.

I hate the culture of silence we have around early pregnancy and loss.

I wanted each one of my babies to be known and loved. And feel like not being “able” to talk about early pregnancy means not being able to talk about early loss.

It’s taboo and it shouldn’t be.

I only told colleagues when I was 24 weeks. They had absolutely no idea! I didn't have a noticeable bump and it was just after Christmas so carrying a bit of extra weight could be put down to too many mince pies!

I am so sorry for your losses.

yes this is exactly what I mean - you put it a lot better than me 😁

I told some close friends and family much sooner than that and have also been told much sooner than that. I don’t think it’s a hard and fast rule.

Although I agree with other posters that it’s a personal choice (I’m 10 weeks and have told parents and some close friends), I also get your point OP. I wouldn’t tell work prior to 12 weeks simply because people would think it was weird. Maybe that’s my issue but people do judge and I’m not really sure why.
Like another poster I’ve had a pre-12 week MC previously and make a point of remembering that baby as a child who was loved and lost.

There is no rule , you can tell people now . The 12 week rule tends to be because after 12 weeks the risk of miscarry drops dramatically.
Im not telling anyone for now as it’s my 4 th and I’m sure I will get as much judgment ( if not more ) as excitement . This was an unplanned pregnancy and I’m 41 so I’m sure that she I’ll shock many .
But that is the only reading I’m not telling , because I can’t be bothered to deal with everyone else while I feel nauseous and tired

Tell people if you want to. It isn't a binding "rule".

Like you having had a previous MC I couldn't get the words out after the loss since no one knew and I really wanted support but couldn't.

So this time, I told people from the day of my positive test as I saw them. Luckily had a sticky bean this time and I'm now almost 25 weeks.

I've had a MMC, MC and 'vanishing twin'. I hadn't told my family/ friends/ work before but told family after all of them. I was very upset and in pain after the MC and told work. My boss said to take the week off and was very understanding.

I did find in general though a lot of people don't see it as the loss of a baby. Particularly with the 'vanishing twin' even DH has said that isn't a miscarriage, well it is imo.

People who are telling you not up tell people don't understand the "rule". The rule is really "don't tell people you don't want to have to tell you have miscarried". Miscarriages are hard and you don't want to have to be telling all and sundry. Or be constantly reminded of your loss by randoms asking you how your pregnancy is going ad infinitum. If it's a person who you'd tell/talk to about a miscarriage, then you can tell them about the pregnancy.

Having said all that it's not a rule anyway. It's a guide to stop YOU getting hurt in the future. Tell anyone what you like. It's your news, your information. And your pain if it comes to it. So your call on what you want to do.

@Nothingisblackandwhite you get my congratulations💝feck any one that has anything bad to say! I hope the nausea goes away soon and all goes well

There is nothing stopping you from telling anyone if you want to, unless I’m missing some law that says you’re now not allowed to speak about being pregnant before 12 weeks.

@Nothingisblackandwhite this is my 4th too and I’m really not looking forward to the judgement, particularly at work, where two seems to be the “acceptable number”.

You can tell whoever you want
When you want

Congratulations !
I actually told them at work because the person who can do my job is also on maternity leave at the same time so I know I will need to find someone . To say they were surprised was an understatement .
I just hope the good reactions make up for the judgmental ones . It is not easy as we still love the babies anyway no matter if it’s our 1st or our 4th

One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage before twelve weeks. It may not be a PC thing to say, but miscarriage is in fact perfectly normal, which is why so many people don’t tell until twelve weeks, as in truth, while those close to you will be supportive, most people view a miscarriage prior to twelve weeks as just one of those things, and if you’ve shouted it from the rooftops you’re unlikely to get the overwhelming support you think you are.