Who invented keeping quiet until 12 weeks 😠

[Mangotango39]

trigger warning MC.

third pregnancy, two prev mc (one MMC)
I am lucky to have now fallen quickly and I am not letting worry cloud my excitement - I have taken the approach that everything is ok until it isn't.

one thing that annoys me is not telling people until the 12 week mark. Now I wouldn't go posting on social media but I want to tell my friends and family.

when I miscarried, I found it easier telling people when they already new I was pregnant personally. And now I only tell people that would know if something happened (touch would it doesn't)

but I don't understand who made this '12 week' tradition , like we have to suffer in silence until this point?

our bodies are going through mayhem , we are excited, scared, poorly and yet we are almost forced to keep shut?
I really don't get it to be honest.

rant over 😁

Many people wait as sadly miscarriages are very common and it's difficult for some people to have to tell people that you've miscarried after all. I would have rather eaten my own shoe than have to tell people I'd miscarried as then people would have known that we were ttc and I'd believe I was being observed on every night out which I would have hated. That's my personal choice but it's up to the individual to o tell when they want and it doesn't mean they're being gagged if they chose not to. It's just such a personal and sensitive subject that many people would rather not discuss outside of immediate family .

It's taken me to 31wks to 'comfortably' talk about our pregnancy as it's been a rollercoaster. Everyone is different OP and as PP have said before pregnancy tests women waited until they had missed 3 periods = 12 weeks 💖

Do whatever you want 🤷‍♀️ I didn't tell until 20 weeks, and only then to a few people as I was super paranoid.

With both my pregnancies we told family and friends before 12 weeks.
Our first baby died at 33 weeks of pregnancy. There is no 'safe point' of pregnancy as it's made out. You are 'safe' when the baby is in your arms.

So sorry to hear of your miscarriages. I had two at least (I think three) before our eldest was born and then another between him and our youngest. All around 6-8 weeks. We didn't tell people generally 'just in case' until we'd seen the scan and honestly I was so relieved not to have to explain it to everyone. That said I did tell my mum and my sister so still had the support - that was important

I'm sorry for your loss. Speaking in terms of statistics, while a loss can happen at any time, it's 80% more likely to happen before 12 weeks. So what you went through is much more unusual.

And while losing a much wanted pregnancy is heartbreaking before 12 weeks, losing a baby weeks before the due date is a very different trauma. Before 12 weeks, sympathy is needed, of course. At 33 weeks it is a bereavement your circle will want to support you through.

@ThatFraggle I think it's probably a matter of personal opinion. I personally feel that even before 12 weeks more than sympathy is needed and would describe a lost pregnancy also a bereavement at that gestation. I guess it depends on your own views of pregnancy, and that will be different to each individual.

People can tell others about their pregnancy whenever they damn well want. If they want to wait until 12 weeks it's up to them. I know people who have miscarried and told people early when they tried again they all waited until 12 weeks because that's what they wanted to do. Not everyone will feel the same as you some people will and some won't. No need to rant about it.

Well I had a miscarriage prior to 22 weeks but had to tell family I was pregnant due to travelling and extreme nausea. Even only a few people being told about the pregnancy resulted in some people not knowing I had had a miscarriage. Awkward!

So I never told people about my pregnancies who I wouldn't tell about a miscarriage.

Your friend is a twat though. If she close enough to you to have supported you with a miscarriage then she is close enough to be told about a pregnancy in the early stages.

@Mangotango39 I told people earlier. I figured I would need the support if I had a MC, and I also believe all pregnancies should be celebrated. I do feel like I was in the minority though so I get what you mean. All the best ❤️

I told my close family at 10 weeks I was very young so low risk of trisomy and miscarriage everyone else was told after my 12 week scan.

You can tell who you like when you like. We found out I had twins at the 12 week scan and one had died at 7 weeks. Yes I was still pregnant but I'm glad I waited before telling people.

And the test GPs had involved sending your urine away to be injected in to a rabbit. And then a 48 hour wait until the rabbit was dissected.

I think the 12 week rule was because so many pregnancies end so early. I've known a couple of people who have told everyone as soon as they were pregnant and then miscarried, it seems me to to be first pregnancies.

I also think there was stigma around molar pregnancies. Before the abortion Act in the 1960s abortion was illegal but rich women could afford to pay for a 'D and C'.

This is also the treatment for a molar pregnancy so if you were pregnant and then had a D and C there would be gossip about why the pregnancy ended.

Most molar pregnancies that end naturally and that is usually before or at 12 weeks.

It's personal preference, not a rule. I didn't want to tell anyone and I only told necessary people after that. Some people didn't know I was pregnant until I'd given birth! Each to their own.

I told everyone whenever I felt like it. Sometimes that was at 4 weeks & sometimes not ever because I didn't feel like sharing (they figured out when they saw the live baby with me, though). I wasn't afraid to tell people I had a pg loss so that didn't factor into it. Telling people you're pg doesn't make loss more likely. 1st pgcy I was worried about my job a little, so didn't talk about my pregnancy with colleagues until I had the maternity leave period secure, I suppose.

I hope everyone finds their own comfortable level of communication.

ps: I'm foreign so I guess that's why... my mother had m/c in 50s, 60s & 70s she mentioned them casually in group gatherings (family, friends, large or small groups). There was no stigma. Just one of those facts of life.

I waited to tell people with all of mine. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for you to get your head around the news yourself. In contrast I find it a little strange when people are telling the world when they're like 5 or 6 weeks.
Each to their own I suppose.

I had hypermesis very early in both times - people at work knew before close friends and family (unofficially) especially 2nd time because of vomiting throughout the day whilst working!!

Everyone knew we were trying (IVF) so we told our mums on official test day at roughly 4 weeks pregnant and our other close friends and family after our early scan at 8 weeks. Do what you're comfortable doing

An emotionally repressed man in the 1800s who didn't want to talk about his wife's miscarriage but failed to realise that the first 12 weeks is where you feel at your worst it's harder than you think to hide it!

You don't have to keep it quiet, you can tell anyone that you want. I told my very close family. They were the people that I would want supporting me if I miss carried. When I had my miscarriage, they were all there for me and that is what I needed at the time. When I got pregnant again, they also knew and were supportive of me and understood the extra anxiety on the second attempt.

Before 12 weeks, the corpus luteum is producing progesterone to pause your period and prevent miscarriage. At 12 weeks the placenta takes over this role. If the placenta fails, progesterone production is reduced, the menstrual cycle will unpause and a miscarriage will result. Whoever you have told about the pregnancy, you will need to untell. Some women would rather not go through this by keeping quiet until they're through the 12 week mark.

I only got to the end of the first page and felt compelled to write this. Of course women are silenced. Societal norms work in exactly that way, it’s subtle but nonetheless there. You are ‘told off’ when you talk about early pregnancy, the oh well at least it was early discounts feelings and emotions. The first 12 weeks are (in my experience the toughest) but we aren’t supposed to tell people. I’m 100% with you OP.

The 12 week rule is a load of crap. I miscarried at 18 weeks. Everyone knew and was starting to get excited for me. If there ever is a next time I'll be telling my manager and work colleagues as soon as I know, as I have no idea how I'm going to be and if I'm going to cope.

I think we should be able to tell whoever we want whenever we want. Its a support network- miscarriage is a hellish part of so many womens experiences of being a mother and it isn't something anyone should have to go through alone.

I had my children 35 years ago and it wasn't a " thing" then. I found out when I was about 6 weeks, and just told family and friends at that time. Nobody made a big deal about waiting to tell.

I had two miscarriages and it was easier to tell about it when people already knew I was pregnant.