Who invented keeping quiet until 12 weeks 😠

[Mangotango39]

trigger warning MC.

third pregnancy, two prev mc (one MMC)
I am lucky to have now fallen quickly and I am not letting worry cloud my excitement - I have taken the approach that everything is ok until it isn't.

one thing that annoys me is not telling people until the 12 week mark. Now I wouldn't go posting on social media but I want to tell my friends and family.

when I miscarried, I found it easier telling people when they already new I was pregnant personally. And now I only tell people that would know if something happened (touch would it doesn't)

but I don't understand who made this '12 week' tradition , like we have to suffer in silence until this point?

our bodies are going through mayhem , we are excited, scared, poorly and yet we are almost forced to keep shut?
I really don't get it to be honest.

rant over 😁

Sorry for your sad losses OP. I think it’s always going to be a tricky thing with pros and cons to every approach. I haven’t had personal experience of it but my friend felt like you after her first MC and decided when she got pregnant again that she would tell people so they could support and understand if it happened again. When, sadly, it did, she found that for weeks she was repeatedly having to tell people when they asked how things were going, who she didn’t even expect to know. People had been very keen to share the good news but perhaps unsurprisingly were more reluctant to pass on the sad news.
She found that worse than people not knowing and decided to go back to waiting till later. But it should be completely up to the individual woman and I think your friend was very wrong to tell you it was too early

Just tell people then. We told our parents by 6 weeks, and I had to confess to some friends at 8 weeks as we were all going on a boozy hen do abroad.

It’s personal preference OP. Plenty of people are happy to tell people before and they don’t mind discussing miscarriage. I personally would not be comfortable talking about miscarriage (having had one) so I waited as long as possible. I told family after the 12 week scan and I waited to tell work until I was legally obliged to which I think is around 20 weeks. But everyone deals with things in their own way. You’ve said you prefer the support during your previous miscarriages. I prefer to suffer in silence. Each to their own

Tell people when you want. It's not a rule.

I personally didn't want to tell and by my 4th pregnancy I don't tell until 25 weeks due to my second mc taking place at 17 weeks.

I preferred privacy. But everyone is different

I find this really interesting as it never occurred to me that there was a 'rule'. I told close friends and family (and work) straightaway but anyone I wouldn't want to discuss a possible miscarriage with or didn't need to know I waited until I was starting to show which was usually around the 15/16 weeks mark.

I genuinely thought the 12 week thing was just guidance about when the chances of miscarriage reduced significantly. My DCs are 22 & 24 now and I had one miscarriage along the way too so maybe a generational thing?

To me therefore this seems like a really strange post as it's a polar opposite take to my view of the 12 week statistic but I appreciate we all see these things differently.

I told the people that I knew I'd want to support me if things went wrong. And I did miscarry the first time round, so was grateful for their support.

No one is forcing you to tell people you're pregnant, or to keep schtum. I told no one other than DH and my HoD until I was 19 weeks, because that suited me. If I had miscarried, I would have preferred to deal with it alone.

Why on earth do people appear to believe that advertising campaigns (diamond engagement rings and salary percentages) or received 'truths' like not telling people about pregnancy till after twelve weeks are some kind of inalterable laws?

Do what you want.

I guess it is an unwritten rule but not one you have to follow if you don't want to.

I've had 3 pregnancies, 2 babies. I told close family either as soon as I found out or around 6 weeks when I had early scans. I was excited and sick and wanted support with my new emotions/body etc and support when I miscarried and was greatful I did but I also have friends who haven't told anyone until 12-20 weeks because they're private or have had losses and wanted to keep their pregnancies to themselves until they felt ready or were showing. I think a lot of people find death/loss/miscarriage etc a tough subject so don't want to discuss early pregnancy to avoid that which is why it's an unwritten rule.

This isn't my experience, everyone I know has announced or not announced as suits them.

I told close friends and family around 7 weeks with my first pregnancy. Ended in miscarriage and mostly the people I'd told were the same people I wanted to support me, so I didn't regret it.

I only told two people before 20 weeks with my second. I found the first loss so upsetting I found it impossible to believe that my second pregnancy would end happily until then.

I never put anything on social media. Tbh I didn't enjoy telling people I was pregnant, it felt weird to me regardless of loss.

My only reaction to someone announcing before 12 weeks would be happiness for them.

I don't think miscarriage at 6 weeks is the same as miscarriage at 23 weeks at all though. Sure, both are upsetting, but the physical reality of a late miscarriage vs an early miscarriage is much worse. I feel MUCH sorrier for my friend who lost her baby at 23 weeks than I do for myself.

@Mangotango39 I think times have changed when it comes to keeping quiet for 12 weeks. We told people whenever we felt ready to depending on how close we were to them. If we had had a loss then I would have wanted our close friends and family to know anyway. The 12 week thing only really applied to our workplaces. Basically I’m saying you do you! The unwritten 12 week rule is very outdated.

You can do whatever you want...?

They are not rules,you can tell who you like when you like

Some don't because they would rather deal with problems picked up early like a miscarriage or abnormalities privately.
Personally I kept mine quite until after 20 weeks. im a very private person and had a few miscarriages which I dealt with privately.
You prefer to be open so just tell people as you want.

Most of my pregnancies didn’t reach 12 weeks. I don’t buy into the keep quiet bollocks any more and while I don’t have a flashing gif on Facebook, I tell my friends and family right away.

I told parents and work early both times. If anything went wrong I'd need them to know anyway. I had a lovely bunch of sensible, non-gosspiy, colleagues through.

Wishing you a straightforward pregnancy this time .

OP I think the tradition originated before any sort of testing was available, when women generally considered themselves ‘officially’ pregnant once they had missed three periods.

Of course some would be fairly certain before then because of strong and debilitating symptoms, and those tend to be the women these days who don’t get a choice about when to announce their pregnancy because it’s very hard to hide things like hyperemesis.

You should tell people you trust whenever you feel comfortable, and your employee asap if there are any risky aspects to your job. I wish you lots of luck with this pregnancy xx

It isnt a rule. I guess some people still taboo things or think after 12weeks things are magically all ok. Iv had 2 mc and 1 full term stillborn (nothing even wrong,, cord incident) and i told very few people each time i was pregnant through stillbirth or following DC born fine. I kept my pregnancies very private but we told our close friends and family from the moment we found out. Do whatever suits you OP and good luck ❤️

Te 12 week thing is what happened in the past eg in the 50’s when I was born. No going to the doctor til you’d missed 3 periods. You didn’t tell anyone because if you had a miscarriage it wasn’t a topic for discussion ie brushed under the carpet, stiff upper lip and get on with it with no support or sympathy!
How horrid was that. Mine were born in the 80’s and only the third one was confirmed by a test, the other two by doctor. I told my family before the doctor confirmed though, after I’d missed a period or two.

My advice is to only tell the people who you would get support from if you miscarried. I would wait until 6 weeks though to ensure that the pregnancy actually establishes (modern early tests mean you know you have conceived but they won't all establish, years ago we just thought our period was late!)

Well it depends on who doesn't it. Also if unplanned like my first you need time to get your head around it yourself.
With my first I told my sister at 8 weeks
Parents @ 12 weeks
Everyone else as and when it came up after that.
Work at 18 weeks

Second time round I told a select few at 8ish weeks, tested at 7 (especially as I had 2 weddings to attend and a skiing holiday so best to tell to explain why not drinking).
Family again around 10/11 weeks
Work not until 24 !

My German friend has told everyone and she’s only 6 weeks 🤷‍♀️. Tell who you like, when you like.

People don't like to talk about death.

A quarter of pregnancies end in with miscarriage. 80% of miscarriages are before 12 weeks. And with early testing what would have been a late/missed period is now recognised as a miscarriage. To avoid the awkwardness of it, people publicly talk about pregnancies which are more likely to result in a live birth.

gogohmm, yes exactly, I waited til I was sure it just wasn’t a late period before I told anyone.
not sure how I’d have kept it hidden anyway til 22 weeks as I was sick on and off all day and every day from conception to about month 7!
I agree with everyone, it’s entirely a personal choice who you tell and when
I feel real sympathy for women in the best who weren’t allowed to talk about miscarriage, as if it was something shameful. As recently as just 50/60 years ago

I don't think we're silenced. It's as PP's have said, the risk of MC is far higher before 12 weeks. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am usually a very open book but other than DH and MN I haven't told a soul about my pregnancies then the miscarriages. It's personally something I'm happy dealing with on my own as hard as it is. I couldn't bare the pity after each MC. I would say 95% of people I know wouldn't do the same but it all depends how much support you require.
Congratulations though and hoping you have a lovely pregnancy.

I told friends from 20 weeks and most people hadn't suspected. I could have hid it longer.

Work colleagues mostly didn't know until I'd given birth thanks to covid! You only see the upper body on zoom 😂

I was pregnant in 2006 only really showed at 24 weeks. Could easily hide it under a loose top until then.