Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

But my issue is new mothers are not being told it's OK to put down a screaming baby. They are told that they must attend to the baby so that it stops crying. Crying babies are a real no-no now.

I can't find the original comment only the quote. But there are signs in every NHS hospital and you get a leaflet saying it's OK to put a crying baby down. If you have tried all the usual methods of soothing and nothing is working its OK to put the baby in a safe place and have a minute.

But yes the whole point of babies crying is to get our attention agree with what @MrsTerryPratchett said.

But my issue is new mothers are not being told it's OK to put down a screaming baby. They are told that they must attend to the baby so that it stops crying. Crying babies are a real no-no now.
It's okay if you need to put the baby somewhere safe if you need five minutes break or to attend to your own basic needs. However, if I didn't need to put my baby down then I figured he was better off crying while being held than alone once I had tried everything else. I agree with what@MrsTerryPratchettwrote.

Crying is a form of communication, I can agree with that. Having a routine helps me meet those needs before the crying starts but of course, it isn't the only way to do that.

I think we’re discussing more about routines around how to settle, as in methods to stop babies from crying if they’re not stuck to you like glue and you actually want to make sure you can put them down. I used ‘routines’ in terms of waking up at the same time each day, establishing it was nap time after they’d eaten lunch etc etc, but I did what I wanted during the day with them once I was confident I’d got a settling routine in place so knew I could rely on settling them in a basket/pram/car seat and that they could sleep around noise if necessary if I wanted to be out.
Hopefully it’s helped the OP know there is the possibility of carving out time for herself without needing to hold a baby constantly - with a bit of trial and error and no guarantees obviously, but entirely possible.

This is also us.

My baby started nursery at 12 weeks so he had no choice but to adapt to sleeping around noise.

It's a reason why I wanted to have an established routine in place by the time he started nursery.

If I start his nap routine, he will self settle in the pram outside or at a friends house in a bouncer, anywhere really. The only thing he's ever really disliked is baby carriers.

Yes! Midwives and health visitors and GP at the six-week check and, quite randomly, the nurse who gave me a smear test postpartum were all very clear that maternal mental health mattered and sometimes the way to deal with a crying baby was to put it down safely and go and have a cry/shower/tea/breather. It’s literally the advice! Otherwise they worry you’ll go mad and harm the baby.

It’s what all my parenting pals advised too: baby in cot, you outside swearing at the sky. And neighbours and relatives who offered to take devilish DD screaming in the pram for a walk: she could either scream with me, or with them and I get a break. No one ever suggested I should weld myself to my colicky screamer.

It's fine, you can make tea and shower. It's once they start crawling that you have trouble!
Both of mine slept minimum 18 hours a day for the first 3 months.
If they don't like being put down then you can use a wrap sling.
Personally, showering, eating and drinking are non negotiable for me, you need to care for yourself so you can care for your baby.
Popping them safely in their moses for 2 mins whilst you have a quick swill is perfectly fine.

In a way it is reassuring that some people ARE being told it's ok to put a baby down. I had so much advice about never being away from mine, yet not one of those people offered any kind of practical help!

I also found I resented being treated as 'all mums' feel this way. I didn't leak milk when I heard my baby cry, I didn't enjoy skin to skin, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding and I found it claustrophobic using a sling. Parenting was a lot better when I concentrated on the parts I did enjoy doing. There's no such thing as 'all mums' feels x, just like there's no such thing as 'all babies ...'

I remember being desperate to put DD in her own room as it was so noisy sleeping next to her but I was terrified by the SIDS advice. We compromised and she slept next to DH one night a week whilst I had a night off in the spare room(!). It was blissful when she did go into her own room at six months. I wish they would provide actual risk figures though as it's so hard to judge what is really a risk and what isn't. I didn't know EBF had risks until it made my baby seriously ill!

@Whichnumbers I know someone who took the advice to the extreme and wasn't apart from her child for SEVEN years!

I have a 4 week old and haven’t consumed this many cups of tea in years, even though my baby prefers to nap on me during the day. The secret? A front pack baby carrier. He sometimes screams or grizzles for the first 10 mins but then falls asleep for 1-2 hours. It’s the perfect time to make a cuppa. My hubby also frequently offers me cups of teas in the evening/on weekends. Usually any guests that come to visit will make me tea as well (and if they don’t offer, just ask! They will understand). As for going to the toilet, I can do this while baby is in the carrier. I can also go to the toilet holding baby in one arm (not my favourite but if I’m in a pinch then I’ll do it). If I really can’t have baby on me for whatever reason, he’s screaming, and in that moment desperately need my hands for something important (maybe it’s preparing some formula for baby), I put baby in a baby bouncer or on his play mat within viewing distance, or in a safe place like his bassinet and take the baby monitor with me, and then go do the thing that needs doing for 1-2 mins. I make sure to respond to baby before I go do my task like a quick cuddle and a reassuring word like “mummy will be back before you know it”. It’s hard hearing him scream, even for 5 seconds, but when it’s a mission critical task you CAN put him down so you can do the task, provided baby is safe. I’ve also been told that if you are on the verge of breaking down you can put him in a safe place and just take a breather for a couple mins. It’s important that you keep your mental health in tact. I haven’t had to do that yet but when hubby is home I take full advantage of his support and ask him to take baby while I have a shower or a nap etc and honestly it’s the best. Good luck!

I agree with this, attachment early on creates security and independence later. There's nothing wrong with a baby crying if you need to go to the loo of course!

C

You may have a baby that sleeps well all night and naps perfectly during the day and allows you time to shower and drink tea etc….. and I hope you do. Many of my friends did so I really wouldn’t worry too much about it.
i didn’t have a baby that liked sleep too much, and everyone loves to lecture new mums about what they should be doing.. I tried to ‘teach her to self soothe’…. She cried for an hour once… went off exhausted, I laid on bed thinking I could maybe dose too, 15 minutes she had… then woke up screaming hysterically til I went in…
My advice is to just enjoy it…. The lack of sleep was exhausting but in the end I’d grab sleep where ever I could. I’d strap her in car seat and shower with her watching (and often crying) just so I could shower…. If she fell asleep on me, I’d take advantage and have a doze with her in my arms. There’s ways round it if you get a non sleeper… but I think most babies do sleep well. Good luck. Enjoy your baby.

What's going on?

I had a very boring baby so lots of time, trust me, it's not too bad! She had bad days too and even those were ok. You just adapt. Pregnancy with my second now (she's 18months now), looking back the newborn phase was SO easy 😂
BUT as others have said, it depends if there are other complications. Either way, try to just take it day by day and you will just fall into a new routine.

It's all on the wall in huge letters in the maternity wards and postnatal wards to put baby down if you are exhausted., leave baby for 5 minutes and do something else It's to prevent exhaustion and baby shaking.
I wonder if cases of baby shaking went up when the trend of never putting baby down even for 1 minute started. They use sleep deprivation as a method of torture in interrogation because it makes you go a bit mad.

Of course put baby down somewhere safe if you feel like that! I just meant that, generally, what worked for me in those early weeks was lots of holding DS and a sling.

Oh that's interesting @Fifi00 about the info on postnatal about it being OK to put your baby down. Do you mind me asking when that was? Horrendous if the previous advice did lead to an increase in babies being injured whether deliberately or accidentally. We had a narrow escape as I was so exhausted following the advice about never being away from them/putting them down I fell asleep holding DD and dropped her!

When I had mine (early 2015) the walls of postnatal and the children's centre were plastered in stuff about breastfeeding and nothing else!

I do wonder if the advice about never putting them down assumed high levels of support for new mums? The midwives assumed we had a whole battalion of friends and family helping out when the reality was we had no one and I was on my own with DD for ten hours a day once DH went back to work.

I had my baby 5 months ago and it was all breastfeeding on the walls too.

Oh grim, I'd hoped things had improved since I had mine! No helpful advice on the walls either just endless promotion!

I agree with the pp who wondered why anything which may make the parents' life easier is frowned upon. It seems to me that most accepted wisdom now seems to actively discourage good sleep habits and I would like to know what the risk factors are if you put your baby in a room next to you to sleep with a monitor compared to no one getting much sleep all together. Ditto sleeping on you in the evening in a room with the TV on rather than baby being asleep in their own room.
Going back to mental health, I NEEDED those few hours with just me and dh when the children were asleep upstairs and my babies were put down like this from birth.
Being trapped all day and not even getting any respite in the evenings to face the night ahead sounds like torture to me and I frankly don't belive anyone who says they 'enjoyed every minute'

I went with my friend for her appointments her DH was at work she had her baby in December 2022 and the whole wall was plastered with information about not shaking baby and its OK if you are exhausted at wits end to leave baby for a little bit if you need a break.

The government’s 2020-21 data on serious incident notifications showed that from April to September 2020, there was a 31% rise in incidents of death or serious harm to babies under one when compared with the same period in 2019.