Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

It's interesting that you say that because I went back to work at 12 weeks and it's a reason why I was keen to get a routine sorted and him sleeping through.

Honestly I don't know what it is. I had a unicorn baby, happily played and slept on his own. Would put him on the floor on a play mat and he'd play and drift in and out of sleep. I still don't recall having loads of spare time to have cups of tea. Somehow you end up consumed with housework

Thank you @RidingMyBike for putting it more eloquently than I clearly could - to be honest I was rather flabbergasted it needed such simple explanation amongst grown adults and that it wasn’t blindingly obvious what I was referring to, but then some people love projecting their micro-aggressions when they have an agenda…….
I’m so pleased that likewise it worked for you; having the conviction to go against what is pushed down our throats as the current ‘right way’ to do things these days takes a lot of thick skin when you know you’re going to be told you’re doing it wrong! There is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way, but like you, I observed the impact of ‘baby led attachment parenting’ on some parents and simply made a decision from the get go that was not going to be the right way FOR ME AND MY CHILD, so I would be trying to ‘lead’ instead. I had no interest in martyring myself as some seem to over how little sleep I’d have, how little I could move, how little food and drink I could function on, how much I could now do with one hand etc etc - I wanted children to add to my life, not take it away! As a result, never once with three DC’s was I “nap-trapped” (@Katypp agree I love that phrase!), but then those who don’t have that badge of honour are bad mothers apparently…..
I daren’t say so before, but in our routine we didn’t get up until 8:30am! I have delayed sleep phase syndrome so my circadian rhythm dictates that I naturally fall sleep later than average and naturally wake up later than average, so as the primary caregiver set the schedule based on when I would function the best. DC’s soon learned what would happen throughout a day, but I have to say if I had brunch/lunch/dinner/evening plans or something else going on, the routine adapted around this where necessary and usually DC just came with me because they’d learned to settle in their basket/pram/car seat. I’d never had such a good social life as I did on my mat leaves!
The OP sounds like a planner, quite headstrong, and with a pragmatic disposition, so I’d wager she’ll find a way that works for her independent of parenting ‘trends’ (and hopefully never have a cold cup of tea or coffee, because there’s truly little worse 😂)

Who is running to you complaining about stuff? Are they asking you to help them or take responsibility for stuff that they can’t manage? I can’t imagine this situation in RL which then results in them giving you “funny looks”

I’m baffled at all this talk of routines etc being somehow against the grain. It’s completely normal. You’re not battling against “current trends”, it’s absolutely part of current trends.

Can I suggest you research the fourth trimester OP, and responsive parenting. If you're responsive to your baby in those early months they have a sense of security which is good for them later in life. Common sense really, your baby is used to being a part of you, why would you just leave it to fend for itself. Human babies are helpless.

Sad you think spending time with your child is faffing, and confused why you went on to have more if it was such a bother!

@Tinybrother Oh they absolutely do. In RL. Just because you can't imagine something doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

It's definitely my experience that it isn't the norm, especially with a newborn. It's all about the ''4th trimester'', slings and getting ''nap trapped''.

Total opposite - all midwives, the infant feeding team, HVs and my relatives were obsessed with attachment parenting, do not put the baby down, 'safe' Co-sleeping, sling-wearing, doing everything on demand, everything had to be focussed on the baby and nobody (other than DH) seemed to care less how I was.

It was disastrous - made both me (severe PND) and my baby (severe dehydration as my milk failed to come in I was so exhausted) very ill. All I'd learnt about routines was that they were bad and to be avoided (same with formula ).

At about 3 months I saw a book in a shop called 'The baby book:how to enjoy year one'. I was hating year one and utterly miserable so I bought it. It advocated for routines and having some time for yourself (realistic amounts of time - not a weekend at the spa!) and it gave me the confidence to stand up to all those people and do what felt right for us. It was actually very basic advice but there is so much disapproval of routine out there and so hard to stand up to it when you're a new mum.

Sorry @Judgyjudgy that was needlessly rude. It just really annoys me when people feed into the mantra that every moment with your children is fabulous, even when they are screaming and you are hassled
And don't know what to do. It helps no one to pretend this is the case

@Katypp You're both very much not alone! In my opinion you have been making some of the most logical, pragmatic, realistic and common sense comments on this thread. And I agree with every word because that way made my experience with all three DC’s rather wonderful to be honest. To the point it exceeded my expectations, and despite horrific HG in each pregnancy, made me want to do it three times. Of course there were difficult days - when my sleep was too broken, when their health issues flared, when I had to sing for ages to get them off rather than the usual couple of minutes - noise cancelling headphones were a god send on those occasions however, and a good opportunity to get through a hot brew in between verses sat there over the basket with the headphones on with the song blasting over the crying singing my heart out as if I was still on the walk to and from uni! I’d get quite into it pretending I was Adele 😂 I wish I’d been on here then though to see there were others also following similar methods, and we weren’t in the minority with what seemed like my mum’s 80’s style parenting! I followed a lot of her advice from raising me and my siblings, as she was also not prepared to allow children to stop her living her life and make a rod for her own back - her and my dad were out constantly when we were tiny. As I’ve also been a really good sleeper all my life as a result, literally able to sleep deeply anywhere (especially if I hear Moonlight Shadow by Mike Oldfield - my soothe song!), I also wanted to try and replicate the same characteristic in my DC’s, particularly as I knew they’d eventually have to board due to my and DH’s careers. My lived experience is that I’ve come out of the baby phase unscathed and with my MH completely intact, and feel successful approaches should be shared for those who are worrying what may come so they can see just how much choice they actually have in the approaches they take.
Someone else said it comes down to ‘part mindset, part baby’, and I also couldn’t agree more with that. Like you said earlier, all babies come from the same place, its just what you allow them to get used to, or if you let them solely dictate proceedings, often at your detriment.

Good for you

i think we have swung 180degrees from the 1970s being very much focused on strict routine to 5 decades later to not having any type of routine, never leaving baby anywhere

having a balance

my daughter was told not to ever be apart from her baby for 6 months, this is not realistic advice on leaving maternity unit

6 months?? Now that is a bit much. We went to a wedding overnight when DS was 7 weeks, he was fine with my parents.

I didn’t say it didn’t happen, I believe you. Just as I believe parents when they say that their babies could or couldn’t be put down, and that they were using common sense whichever route they had to take.

On the flip side, I saw my friends who had strict routines were ruled by them. Couldnt leave the house because nap time was imminent etc. Whereas I just took a sling and dealt with meltdowns if they occurred. I think do whatever works.

This is why it’s not helpful to have insults like “wet” and lacking in “common sense” and “cold/selfish” etc. because someone who is struggling with a strict routine that isn’t working isn’t helped by thinking that any other way of doing things is “wet” or whatever is going to feel like shit, just like someone who is struggling with looking after themselves because they’ve been told that putting their crying baby down for a few minutes is selfish

I think the MOST frustrating thing whenever newborns/sleep is mentioned is people who had babies more inclined to sleep saying 'You just need to do a routine - bath book bed and mine slept for 14 hours without waking.'

In reality, there is nothing you can do - sleep is developmental. And its so massively condescending to those who do have the babies who need the comfort, the milk, the ones who just wake up alot, like we are too stupid to have not tried the absolute fucking basics in parenting at bedtime.

There is always time for a cup of tea ffs no matter what kind of baby you have

For my sanity, I interpret people who give such “duh, ya think?” advice as quite stupid. Thus, their babies are quite stupid. Lovely I’m sure as all babies are, but not sharp enough to slyly wake up for milk 17 times a night.

I hope that’s what it will be like for you. I’m sure it is for some. My baby slept for 45 mins at a time maximum and only on me or my husband. He would scream if you even attempted to lower him to a surface. Past about a 30 degree angle his eyes would suddenly open and he’d go ballistic 👀
He was like that for 10 months, day and night.
Every baby is different. Some parents have it easy, others definitely don’t.
(Just realised I’ve made it sound like hell when you’re expecting. It kind of was, but it was also amazing. We got through it. Somehow you just do. At 10 months he became a dream sleeper and still is at 2 and a half years old).

But my issue is new mothers are not being told it's OK to put down a screaming baby. They are told that they must attend to the baby so that it stops crying. Crying babies are a real no-no now.

They always were. Forever. Actually forever. The reason a baby's cry is distressing to its mother is so we don't put them down and leave them somewhere. Or don't feed them. Or don't clean them. It evolution! Babies are meant to be cared for and we are meant to care for them.

Crying is distress, and that distress is communicated straight into the mum's brain. We are supposed to want to be with them all the time.

I've spent a lot of time in the majority world and you hear less crying, even though there are more children per capita. When you look closer, the babies are always with their mums. Slung on them, sleeping with them, carried by them, fed at the same time.

Attachment issues aren't caused by closeness, the total opposite is true. Our evolutionarily normal place is attached. Close attachment causes better independence in adulthood.

Now in the majority world there are more aunties, cousins, grandmothers helping out. That's what we need more of. Not more screaming babies.

@MrsTerryPratchett My brain must be broken because I don't want to be with my baby all of the time.

So I'm wrong about evolution and the purpose of crying? Or you just wanted to make a PA comment?