Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

I breastfed, I slept/very sleepy after every feed. With my sudden lack of in sleep at night I needed several naps + the sleepy hormone released after breastfeeding there was no avoiding it for me. Baby was put in moses basket after feeding while we napped together

I faffed and faffed, It’s what you do with your first. They don’t come with a manual. Can you please refrain from telling posters what they are allowed to post.

I completely agree. Some babies, in fact most babies, cry a lot. I think it’s very dangerous to put pressure on new parents concerning crying. What happens if you have a baby that won’t stop crying? My first was like that. You try everything, and I mean everything. Where does it end? I’ll tell you, the constant pressure to stop a crier from crying can drive you mad. It affects your mental health, which is probably a bit iffy anyway with hormones and lack of sleep. I had PND from all the stress. It affects your relationship and affects your bonding with your baby. The very worst scenario is that you could hurt your baby. If only someone had said to me, stop faffing, put the baby down where he’s safe and make yourself a cuppa. It’s the faffing that makes it worse. A baby tucked safely into its crib is safe, even if it’s crying.

I definitely had days without showering and around 6 weeks in I bought a good quality thermos mug because I was so sick of all my cups of tea going cold.

my daughter could only sleep on me or in motion so if she was put down in a cot she would scream like she was murdered until picked back up/put in a pram or sling. She only started sleeping in a cot once she could safely lie on her stomach so I guess it was a missed reflux issue? No ideal She was treated for reflux at one point and it didn’t make a difference sooo… 🤷‍♀️

I also had issues breastfeeding so was constantly trying to express to increase supply, sterilising bottles and breast pump stuff alongside breastfeeding 15 times a day 🤣

but you might have a baby that sleeps in their cot no problem and you might not have any feeding issues so in that case you’d definitely be able to shower and brush your hair etc! These babies do exist. My pal had a baby that slept 7-7 in their cot from the second week as well as sleeping easily in cot/pram for naps through the day. I used to envy her so much but years later I found out she had been quietly suffering PND so actually having a shiter time than me. So yeah, someting about appearances and reality etc.

id say just try not to have too many expectations. Go with the flow. You’ll get through it either way but it’ll be a lot easier if you aren’t too rigid.

I think it's different for everyone, mums are different as are babies.

I was pretty lucky in that my DS slept through for the first time at 6 weeks, I EBF so spent a lot of hours watching Netflix but also managed to make the decision to move back to England from sydney when he was 3 weeks old, organised the handing back of our rental and packed and listed and sold all our possessions (those we didn't pack and ship back to England) pretty much by myself while DH was working.

I also did mums groups and a daily walk for at least a couple of hours a day.

Had so much more energy then than now that he is 10 😂

I do look back in wonder at how I managed so much but I was always a 'busy' person, loved being active and was waking 2 hours a day and ocean swimming in the winter even on the day I went into labour.

Some of its mindset, some of its baby.

Think positive, and worst case plan ahead, get a baby carrier if they won't be put down, so you can still do things like make tea, do dishes, potter about etc, maybe buy a reusable coffee cup, less worry about spilling hot tea on babies head, make tea by the teapot, or invite people over every day so they can make it for you 😆

People are so mean and judgmental!

The way i read it - she was talking about her situation and we do not know what that is. Could be PND, the child could have medical issues, etc. She does not say she was in a messy house, she talked about her day 5 PP. On a further down post she also gives a positive example of a friend.

It's not being mean, it's being sensible. Where do all these babies who 'won't be put down' come from? The same place as the babies who learned to be put down. With the usual caveats about (diagnosed) reflux and disabilities, babies soon learn that they are not abandoned if they are put down. Post-natal care used to be very focused on the new mother and organising the baby round her needs, now it's the other way round, and it us neither sustainable nor healthy.
It should not be regarded as desirable or normal to be spending hour upon hour 'nap trapped' because a tiny baby 'refuses' to be put down. Take charge and get your life back.

Well you have your opinions and look down at others if you must.

I was defending her because i find myself in a like for like situation, my baby does sleep on the cot for 30minutes to 2 hours so if I am lucky because he can not be lay flat at all due to thing i do not need to share.

I am not pretending to know what other people go through that is all.

How do you do it though? I'm on baby 2. Currently 'nap trapped' - I could definitely put him down but then he would wake after 20 mins, whereas if I hold him he will sleep for an hour. So how do you get them to do it at like 5 months. My dd was the same and by 1 I was able to get her to nap alone for longer, but not at this age. Open to suggestions.

My dd would nap in the pram but this baby just does not

They tend to want to sleep on you a lot or will scream bloody murder! No ability to get much done with them on you, not even sleep for yourself

My DS would not sleep off me generally for the first few weeks. We swaddled him for night time in the moses basket which worked well but he would still wake for feeds. I watched a lot of Netflix those first few months and rested. I then tried to sleep train and it did not work,he was beside himself, so we stopped. I would rock him to sleep by 5 months and put him into his cot. I would have to change him standing up once he could stand away he would scream and look terrified on his back. I was responsive to him while also looking after myself. I'm so glad I listened to my baby and didn't try to force a routine like Gina Ford on him so young. As it turns out, he is autistic and has sensory issues,so that explains a lot but I could not have known that back then.
Best advice? Be responsive to your bab6 and remember how new this world is to them. Take care of yourself too. They do grow up so fast. Mine is almost 8 now, still doesn't sleep much and loves his routines, but he doesn't need me like he did because he is secure in his attachment to me.

Well, with the risk of being accused of being heartless, neglectful and harming my children, I made it my absolute priority to get all three of mine into a routine.
Personally I would take a 20 min nap over being trapped for an hour myself. If you are doing this with a five-month old, it suggests you did not try to set routines while they were younger? I think that's the key.
Another thing that I think has gone towards the situation of normalising tiny babies 'refusing' to do anything is long maternity leaves have taken away the urgency to set routines from day 1. I loved my year off with my second, but definitely did not feel the pressure to sort things that I did with her big brother, when I was only off work for 10 weeks.
I'm afraid the adults need to set the rules not the baby. Thus is even more important for subsequent children, as all those who cry neglect when you suggest putting a crying baby down have not come up with any answer as to how they are not neglecting their toddlers while 'nap trapped' by a newborn sibling

Well said Katypp

I think “Take charge and get your life back” oversimplifies and trivialises a challenging period.

I would say the vast majority would agree that it isn’t healthy or sustainable for a mother or a baby when a mother can’t prioritise her own needs. And we all know that post natal care and support is statistically insufficient for a majority of new mothers in the UK.

You’ve given caveats for some medical conditions but perhaps omitted that
something that may seem glaringly obvious: that it’s okay to put a screaming baby down in a safe place for a short period of time. e.g. their cot so you can get a cup of tea/eat, can certainly need spelling out when you also take into account the hormones, sleep deprivation, and parents circumstances such as previous baby loss, health conditions etc.

Furthermore establishing any kind of new routine, such as teaching a baby to self soothe, takes stamina, particularly at the start. Some new parents are not sufficiently mentally or physically recovered from the pregnancy and birth to do this, creating a catch 22 situation. When you are in survival mode it’s certainly not helpful to place blame for not “taking charge”.

I would hazard a guess that the ones who aren’t being “nap-trapped” are more likely to have sufficient support and less likely to be managing health conditions?

Rather than suggesting that other parents only have themselves to blame when they can’t put their baby down perhaps acknowledge and be grateful for sufficient support, less health problems and that all babies (in fact all people of all ages!) have different temperaments and needs.

Why do people always assume that those of us who had relatively unputdownable babies (and yes, I know some of you don’t really believe that to be a thing) weren’t in a “good routine”?! The baby of mine that needed to be in contact with me the vast majority of the time was my second - we were in a routine from day one because I already had a toddler who was up and dressed and eating breakfast by 7am. The baby was on the toddler’s schedule (which was pretty rigid, my toddler wasn’t a go with the flow type). Didn’t stop them waking all through the night or needing to nap on me from the start.

When I was pregnant with my first I remember thinking what will I do all day ,don't tiny babies sleep all the time. Then after I had him reality hit hard!
Not all babies sleep for long after a feed and if they do sleep often it is not in the cot it is on you and only for a short while.
Some babies (most) cluster feed. So it seems as though they are permanently attached to you.
OP you can't know until you have your baby how it will be, just wait and see, but be prepared for your life changing.
If you think you will just be able to carry on with things as you do now you will be disappointed and life will be much harder. That was the mistake I made with my first. With my second I just accepted things as they were and I felt so much better for it.

Yes I'll accept that. But my issue is new mothers are not being told it's OK to put down a screaming baby. They are told that they must attend to the baby so that it stops crying. Crying babies are a real no-no now. That's why new mums are 'nap trapped' and think their baby 'refuses' to be put down. They don't dare do it because it's frowned upon. And then you read some of the posts on MN where it is, a real badge if honour to get nothing done because you are too busy enjoying baby snuggles to do anything else. And if you do try to suggest routine and weaning baby off sleeping on you, you are accused of neglect or harming it's development.
As I have said before, the tables will turn an routine will come back into to fashion, because I can't believe carrying on the way we are is sustainable for anyone

routines have never really gone out of fashion, not in RL

Because we are all much better at parenting before we have kids than when they’re here!

That 17 hours won’t be in one go. Or even 5 goes. It will be in up to 50 sleeps a day 🤣

@Katypp I wholeheartedly agree! Some people give me funny looks because I don't co-sleep with my toddler. Or that it didn't feel right to me to have him attached to me 24/7 when he was a few months' old 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm just glad that amongst the current madness there are still people with a bit of common sense.

what you did was completely run of the mill, just as much as co sleeping is, I know so so many people doing so many different variations of these things. Going around sneering about what other people do differently to you, calling them “wet” as another poster did or saying they lack common sense is just as unpleasant as people giving you funny looks.

Don’t worry at all - it’s just that newborns are so snuggly and you tend to get ‘baby trapped’ where they fall asleep on you and you can’t get up to make a cuppa out of fear of waking them. It’s a lovely problem to have!

Oh heck I feel like I asked for some advice but certainly don't feel you've given me any there ? Reading your post has made me feel really stupid.
If I settle for a 20 min nap he wakes up crying and rubbing his eyes until he gets another nap an hour later etc etc.
My older daughter is 4.5 so is certainly not neglected, if anything the baby fits round her ! So he is always tired because he never gets a proper nap.

Also not had a particularly long mat leave with either child.

@Tinybrother I'm a strong believer of "each to their own" so if someone wants to be nap trapped that's their life and they can do whatever they want. Just don't then run crying to us complaining that you "can't get anything done". Or that your partner starts to be resentful as they have to do everything in the house for you, which means that they themselves don't get any quality time with their child. You can't have your cake and eat it too.