Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

I am also interested in this and congrats on embarking on your PhD! I am in year two of my own doctorate at the moment, which is partially what inspired me to write the original post. I'm exited about the newborn phase and baby cuddles of course, but there is also the long game to think about for me which is greater security and options for my family once my doctorate is complete...so I need to strike the balance. I have an open mind though, let's see what transpires 😏

Just FYI I ebf for 4 months and still got DS sleeping for 7 hrs at 10 weeks. I put him down to sleep from day 1. I don't think feeding method makes a difference.

If it’s any reassurance, one of my children was very wakeful at night and needed to sleep on me during the day. I managed to keep my studies on track. I had two children at the time, I used to get them to nap at the same time, one in their cot and the other in the carrier, then after several months both in bed/cot. Studied during the naps and after their bedtime, when the unputdownable baby was small they slept in the carrier or on my husband in the evening. It was hard, and needed a father who more than pulled his weight. It’s hard to know what will be manageable for you with your baby once it arrives (and sleep is not the only consideration), but I would avoid setting too many goals both in terms of the baby’s sleep/behaviour and your capacity to keep studies going in the short term.

most days he doesn’t sleep that long in the day anymore and is quite happy trying to crawl and playing with his toys in his playpen which allows me to get housework done. He will sleep in his car seat (it’s a lie flat car seat that also clips into wheels) so sometimes I’ll go a run in the car and he’ll sleep or I’ll take him a walk-in his pushchair and he’ll sleep then. I’ve taken a year maternity so not back to work for a few months yet so I actually don’t mind if he falls asleep on me as they grown so fast. I’m breastfeeding too so I get that he could be using me as a comfort too. But yea some days I don’t get a-lot done but I do have my husband here (works from home) who helps and has him for me if he won’t be put down.

The biggest frustration for me, was not being able to finish a task. Dishwasher, cleaning, cooking

Baby would wake and interrupt. It drove me potty

You have to learn to leave things. Try a sling?

That's essentially the Gina Ford schedule. She gets a bad rap but the framework she suggested worked for me. Not always, not every day but enough that the early stages were a mostly pleasant and calm experience. Twice over and with breastfed babies.

I think some PP have read it the wrong way round about 'avoiding attachment issues'. We're not talking about avoiding the baby being attached to you(?!?!) it's about avoiding the baby having attachment problems ie encouraging them to develop a good strong attachment to their parent.

And you do that by being responsive and reliable. It's got nothing to do with attachment parenting - I was put off getting pregnant for years by relatives doing attachment parenting as it looked so awful. Years of sleep deprivation, never getting a break from their baby/child etc. Then I discovered that you don't have to parent like that (sounds crazy, I know, but I had no idea!) and could still have a strong attachment.

Being responsive means knowing that your baby cries when overtired, so learning her sleep cues and putting her down before that. Mine got overstimulated if she was held all the time. I used to pause for a few seconds if she started to stir and let her find out if she was going to settle back into sleep - about half the time she did so if I'd pounced on her instantly I'd have disturbed her. It's also about making sure your baby is clean and fed, but then it's fine to take care of your own needs and get a shower, food or tea! Being reliable means your baby learns to know and trusts you'll come to them - you don't leave them crying but a bit of griping or whingeing whilst you talk to them from the shower does no harm. I think having a routine also helped with this as my baby seemed to develop an awareness of what was going to happen when. So, yes, we did the getting up at the same time every day (8am!) and going to bed at the same time and we went out of the house at the same time every day, then added in meals at 6 months and then had a solid routine.

Haha, my DS is 10 weeks old today and he is my first.

Sometimes I manage to make a cuppa and lunch, sometimes I manage to shower.

Sometimes I don't.

He is definitely a contact napper and won't yer nap in his moses basket or crib during the day, so can be a lot.

Sometimes I accept that DS will cry while I take 5 minutes to make a cup of tea or a drink. I have had to accept this is okay, it won't hurt them and you need to look after yourself too - you can't pour from an empty tank.

In short you will be able to make a cuppa, probably drink it cold though...but you may not have time for much else!

Get yourself a little caddy you can put supplies in like a big bottle of water, snacks, a book, Wipes, Tissues etc so you can be comfy whilst nap trapped and feeding

X

Enjoy these last few weeks!!

Back to your OP, I think it really depends on the baby. My DC1 was a piece of cake: he slept without a problem, both for naps in day and during the night. I was able to do usual household routine, study a couple of OU modules during my mat leave etc. Mind you, I was 26, living alone with DC1 and life was quite simple.

With DC2, it was a completely different story (and I got the shock of my life!!). She had terrible reflux (on 2 or 3 different meds) and couldn't even sit in her baby car seat or pushchair/stroller. I had a wrap thing that I used to carry her about in so that I could do stuff/she could sleep without her screaming. Any time she did sleep, I tried to sleep (sleep deprivation is hideous) but I also had DC1 to attend to. XH had a big RTA just before DC2 was born, so couldn't do anything to help. Nightmare. What really helped was DC2 starting weaning, and (at around the same time) me being given an amazing sleep rota thingy from a friend who had used a Baby Sleep person to get her DC into a decent routine. It took about two weeks but it was a life saver!!

Just make sure you look after yourself though: self care is still important when you're a parent. :)

@Neurodiversitydoctor i want to breastfeed too, probably for first 6 months. What sleep training/ routine did you use?

Sorry but that is crazy. What do you think would happen if you put baby down for 10 minutes? He would cry? So what?
I have said this before but I honestly believe this obsession with being baby led, baby mustn't cry, you must follow their lead with an Excel project of wake windows, sleep cues and feeding cues is incredibly detrimental to mum's mental health. If you set yourself up to never wanting your baby to cry, that is the road to madness.
There have always been people who wouldn't put baby down but the current mantra as above definitely encourages suffering and yy to a pp who asked if your worthiness as a mother is judged by how much you suffered.
And to all those what ifs - yes there will be a minority of babies who for whatever reason need to be held more. But for the vast majority, it's no use refusing to get into a routine then complaining that you can't get anything done.
I am a mother, but if I was the husband who came home to a partner crying because they hadn't eaten for 20 hours because they were 'trapped' by a tiny baby, I would have serious concerns about her ability going forward.

Definitely this!

My kids seem reasonably well adjusted and don’t often wake in terror remembering the times I put them in the Moses basket whilst I made tea.

I wouldn't be putting massive pressure on yourself to be undertaking studies and getting newborns into a routine from birth, a quick search on here will show you that for the majority of the population it is not possible, you may feel like a failure and setting yourself up for PND. Have a read up on the 4th trimester and don't go into motherhood will unrealistic expectations.

I found mine got more predictable by about 12 weeks so we shifted into a routine by then.

I think you are more likely to suffer PND if you allow yourself not to eat for 20 hours, TBH. I think abandoning yourself to a tiny baby, sitting in a messy house, not eating properly, seemingly not drinking and not getting dressed all the while being terrified in case your baby cries is a recipe for disaster.

I think you’re mixing up cause/effect there. I suspect that poster already had PND or postnatal anxiety and that’s why she didn’t eat for 20 hours, not the other way around.

But there is a huge middle ground between not eating for 20 hours and advising new mums to get a strict routine from birth so they can complete studies whilst looking after a baby.

It really depends on your baby, I have a 7 month old and only now in the last 2 months have I actually sat down and finished a cup of tea I’ve made myself. He’s now in a really good routine. When he was newborn he was very good in the day for the first week or so but when my husband went back to work (self employed so only had a week off) he got more unsettled, I remember thinking “goodness he’s asleep” and trying to complete as much as could during that time, like washing dishes actually having a shower!! Also tying to actually have some sleep having had none the night before!! But after a few weeks he then would wake up as soon as you put him down in his basket which then it became even more difficult. I’m remember my sister telling me before I had my baby “your lucky if you even get to eat 3 meals a day” and not believing her. But some days it really was like that!! I also couldn’t breast feed so making bottles also took time. But I think until you have a baby you really can’t understand how hard it actually can be!!

@bussteward That might well be the case, but normalising this and reading anecdode after anecdote on here about being 'nap trapped'* as a marker of how dedicated a mother you are makes this seem to be the norm for new mums.
And normalising it means that there is no real incentive to do anything else. I know it would seriously affect my mental if I was sitting in chaos and was unable to do anything about it because the 'right thing to do' was to sit for hours on end daring not move in case my baby cried. And I can't believe I am alone?

*must add this to my list of annoying cutesy phrases used on MN. See also milky cuddles, newborn snuggles and boob to sleep

@Katypp No I agree, but I think if someone felt they couldn’t eat for 20 hours because they were trapped under their baby, rather than thinking “that would lead to PND” or questioning their ability to cope going forward, I’d read that as they already have PND or high levels of anxiety. They’re sitting under the baby not eating because they have PND, not that they’re going to give themselves PND by doing it. I think that distinction is important.

I also agree that living in chaos can affect mental health but again, there’s a middle ground: you can exhaust yourself trying to keep a tidy organised home if you also have a difficult, crap sleeping baby. There’s only so much person to go round and sometimes lowering your standards is good advice - it’s not forever, just until you’re out of the newborn phase and the baby chills out a bit.

For me, my newborn was easy. I only wished I realised it at the time. Toddlers…hard, hard work. I never get a cup of tea anymore because he always wants it.

You're not alone! The good routine I had with my two was what saved my sanity. We should not normalise or worse fetishise suffering or this level of self sacrifice as an inevitable part of the early stages of having a baby. Some level of hardship and difficulty is inevitable, some babies for a variety of reasons will be very difficult to settle or soothe but I genuinely believe that the great majority of babies respond well to sensible routine and a calm approach where babies needs are usually met before they get to the stage of crying and screaming. This just seems like common sense to me.

That's what I mean exactly. Waiting for 'cues' before you feed/put to nap etc is waiting until your baby is uncomfortable and is giving the 'cues'. Routine will be the next 'guidelines', mark my words!