Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

For the first 6 months of his life my DS screamed whenever he was put down and breastfed for 40 minutes to an hour every two hours throughout the day and night with a 5pm - 7pm cluster feed, other than the day he was born he has only slept for more than 10 hours if he has been ill.

So yes I genuinely went back to work months earlier than planned to get a hot cup of tea.

Looking back the things I wish/should/could have done:

• ask for help
• accept offers of help
• have a thermos cup with a secure lid
• a onecup / insta boil kettle

also a sling really helped so I could do housework, walk the dogs etc without him screaming.

My second DS was super chilled and slept a ‘normal’ amount in his cot, I had to go back to work after a few weeks but my husband definitely had time for coffees, to meet other parents etc.

All babies are different and all parents are different too. Hence different stories and I would say different priorities. I really struggled to put DS1 down as it physically hurt and milk was pouring out of me if I left him screaming. The 10 broken hours he slept I often needed to sleep too.

The newborn stage is learning to do an important job whilst physically recovering from a 9 month endurance event with a sleep deprived brain so perfectly normal to struggle to do things that looking forward or backwards it’s easier to see solutions.

I remember when my DS was a newborn with colic, not having enough time to open the lounge curtains which seems crazy looking back. Didn't last long though, you'll find a way through once a routine is established.

As others have said it depends on baby’s personality. I’ve had one who was constantly restless and had colic. Was really high maintenance and still is. I was mortified taking her anywhere until she was a bit older. The other two were nothing like that. I was up and out a couple of days after labour (luckily natural births) and they just fitted into my life. I’ve been a single parent with one and he was the easiest. Looking back they were the best times and I miss it in a way. Just go with the flow. I always put mine down straight after s feed. Got them used to sleeping solo. I also had a next to me cot with two of them. There was plenty of time for cuddles at other times. I made a point of putting baby down so they didn’t get used to sleeping In my arms. Not everyone will probably agree with this but it’s worked in terms of baby not associating sleep with me. Mine all slept through quite early. Mind you I think that was luck more than anything. Even the high maintenance one loves her sleep!

Sleep train sleep train sleep train: I literally cannot reccommend it more for getting babies into a routine where you yourself can also have time to get other things done. Look up the reccommended wake/sleep hours (takingcarababies on Insta has a great newborn course, swore by it). Pitch black room, just a sleep sack and noise machine. Newborn stage is chaotic but sets you up for babyhood/toddlerhood! Before anyone says I know it won’t work for every baby especially those with reflux etc but works for most! Can be hard to allow them to self sooth sometimes though

My baby boy is 7 months old and my oldest is 5. Both very different babies but both will only sleep on me in the day. Baby boy will sleep in his cot at night whereas his big sister would not. Because baby is sleeping on me I can’t make a cuppa (sometimes I can drink a hot one if my hubby or mother in law make it which they do) most days I get very little done apart from the school run and after school activities 3 days per week. He just had to slit h to these and has done quite well. He’s crawling now so the dynamics are changing again. But will still only sleep on me in the day. I have do try to out him down in a daily basis which no success. Every baby is different though. Congratulations and good luck. X

I did an awful lot of faffing about with my first, including holding, rocking, picking up at a whimper, soothing, etc. I think most new parents are the same and I don’t actually believe it helps. With subsequent babies, I had three, I couldn’t do the faffing, as I was too busy with the older child. The babies were much more settled without me faffing.

@AudentesFortunaIuvat can I ask what sleep training/ routines you got them into? Any book/ website recommendations? I am about to start TTC but also about to embark on a really intense phd course and watching this thread with huge interest!

Joking aside, why do we have children? Mostly because of the reward of being a family and loving them…. Reading all these replies only compounds the truth,every baby is unique…. It’s so hard to understand and believe all you may read but every persons reply is their genuine experience, so you see how diverse the circumstances are! I wish you good luck and maybe post on here in a few months to say your experience! The great news is many of us go on to have further children! I wish mumsnet had been around 42 years ago, I would have felt greatly comforted my these replies.

I'm not pp but from around 2 weeks old, I looked into wake windows and always woke him up at 7am no matter what to start the day. ''Bedtime'' was 11pm at first but I gradually reduced it night by night until it was 7pm by 8 weeks which is also when he started sleeping through.

To teach him how to self settle, I used the pick up put down method so I'd put him down awake, pick him up when he cried, put him down when he stopped and repeat until he went to sleep. It was gruelling at first but the hard work paid off after some time.

Now as he gets older, I just adjust his routine as he gets older and doesn't need to sleep as much during the day to encourage him to sleep at night.

He's 5 months now and his current sleep routine is wake at 7, nap 9-10, nap 12-1, catnap 3-3:45, bath at 6 when bedtime/wind down routine starts and then bed at 7.

Exactly this. Thank you @SouthLondonMum22 for keeping some sanity amongst some unnecessarily defensive and subjective comments. I just hope the OP has got a balanced view of what to expect, and most importantly what is in her power to try and control by trying various methods in order to ensure as normal and well-rested a household as possible.

@SouthLondonMum22 thats so helpful, thank you. Did you start the pick up/ put down method from 2 weeks old also? Did you breastfeed if you don’t mind sharing? as I’m assuming that plays a big part until sleeping routine.

I'm not pp but from around 2 weeks old, I looked into wake windows and always woke him up at 7am no matter what to start the day.

And for those of us whose babies woke at 5am for the day, regardless of bedtime?

Some people don't know they're born. I would have killed puppies to stay in bed until 7am. She wasn't cranky, she didn't need extra sleep, the room was dark and on and on.

I swear some people think the mums with non-sleepers are lying or thick.

Bizarre that you think I actually googled “I don’t want my baby to be attached to me” 😂 I wonder if such passive-aggressiveness, interpretation completely out of context, and simply inventing things to fit your narrative is a symptom of sleep deprivation…
I simply aimed to make myself as prepared as possible and researched heavily into sleep training methods and how to avoid separation anxiety so I could be as confident as possible that I and my DC’s would get adequate rest without them needing to be in physical contact with me 24/7. A very normal and reasonable expectation that any parent with a modicum of objectivity would understand. I am a planner, so as a new mum wanted to plan all I could for how I would try and deal with things. The options I went for fortunately worked for all the family and gave a complete baby-life balance for all three DC’s, so I shared them here for the OP to consider also given that is where her concerns lay.

@Irecan Very similar to this advice from @SouthLondonMum22, and also @Thequeenofwishfulthinking and @geoqueen. I bottle fed if that’s helpful to know also.
As someone else has said, try simply just not faffing. Overstimulation helps neither baby or you!

In the nicest way possible. Yes you're being naive. In theory it sounds like everyone is being unreasonable but in practise it's very different. The most common reason people can't drink hot tea is because baby sleeps on them all day long or they're so sleep deprived from the 2 hourly feeds that they don't trust themselves with holding a cup of boiling hot tea. 17 hours is not all at once and you'll have very broken and interrupted sleep yourself. It's incredible though and worth missing out on a few cups of tea.

I found having a new born fine. Tea was drunk, papers were read. I enjoyed it.

With my first it was lockdown so we had lots of naps altogether. Would usually aim to shower after 11am.

With my second I

With my second I was up and showered every day as I had the eldest to get ready but I found that I would struggle to fit in cleaning my teeth and it'd get done at random points of the day.

My first born slept in her Moses basket during the day from quite early on and my second wouldn't nap anywhere unless on a parent. He's nearly 5 months old and still hates to be put down.

Of course there is time for a cup of tea.

You might not get to do it exactly when you want to or have to hold the baby aswell but you just have to be strict about making time for looking after yourself too.

I woke DD at 7am daily too, having read routine helps. I think it exhausted her and contributed to her howling newborn experience, and mine, and it didn’t work anyway. She eventually settled on a 5.30 wake. I look back on leaping out of bed at 7am two weeks post section and think “why?!”

Second DC I let sleep for his fourth trimester. DP did the nursery run and I stayed in bed til 11 some days, recovering.

I couldn't be doing with this 7 months in ( only sleeping on me) that's not a newborn, never mind a cup of tea, how the hell do you do anything ? We moved house when both of mine were that sort of age and I was back at work. When people talk about newborns I think up to 6 weeks.

Mine did sleep in a bassinet in the lounge room but only for forty minutes at a time until about ten weeks when he started proper naps. I would have my shower during an awake period. Feed baby, change baby, pop him into the swing chair just inside the bathroom door and then sing while I showered. I definitely got to make cups of tea and so on. But I know plenty of people who didn’t.

Someone asked about routines/sleep training for those who do it. All I did was answer their question.

It wasn't always easy, 'no matter what' meant during the early days I'd wake him at 7 even if he had just gone to sleep at 6:30 but it was worth it in the end for us because after some time, it did work. When he did wake up before 7, it would be like any other night wake up and we'd go back to pick up/put down after trying the usual shushing/bottle/nappy check etc if necessary and again, it did work eventually.

Will it work for every baby? Of course not but I never said that it would, I just explained what has worked for us.

Can people please stop saying stuff like “faffing” to describe what other parents do that’s different to you. Trust that they know what their babies need, just like you did.

From birth when he didn't want to sleep in his basket. I formula feed, never breastfed.