Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

I remember thinking, well one bottle of milk will take a few mins surely then he'll fall asleep and I can get on with stuff, happy days. However, the one bottle takes about an hour to feed when they're tiny as their tummies are so little, then an hour later they might want more. So yes, time starts to operate differently, but then they grow up etc. A sling saved my sanity!!

Same here. No one understood the utter misery of the first 6 months just trying to console my screaming arching baby. He’s only 11 months now and doesn’t have those symptoms but does still refuse solid food and I wonder if it’s related. Did yours get over it naturally in the end?

Oh for the love of God, putting them swaddled in a lovely moses basket in a warm room is not exactly locking them in the fridge territory. And my children must have been freaks as they happily slept away from me. Maybe because I have a heart of stone eh? 🙄

Heart of stone over here too. 😂

Also have a freak baby who loves his cot (once he got used to it) and hates slings so many have raved about on this thread. He would get far more worked up in that than just putting him down in his ‘cold’ cot.

Absolutely, mine loved lying on a blanket on the carpet kicking their legs or sitting in their bouncer not stewing inside a sling. I think they run hot like me! I used a baby carrier when out and about sometimes to keep hands free or to enable me to walk on uneven surfaces but they were no happier doing this than sitting in a buggy or lying in a pram

To be honest it's probably the constanf breastfeeding for me when I introduced a bottle of formula at night she would get milk drunk and was quite happy being put down.

My dd was an absolute angel, woke up every four hours for a feed and change then went straight back to sleep, pretty much from day one. Even when she stopped sleeping so much she was always quite happy in her bouncer/on the mat/under her gym etc. Her brother, on the other hand was a nightmare, couldn't put him down at all during the day, he just constantly wanted to be held/entertained. Having said that, the only time I could put him down was when he was tired and wanted to sleep, and because he was awake so much during the day, he was sleeping through the night from about 2 months. Now my daughter has a daughter and she's a lot like her uncle!

Get yourself a carrier. You'll have 2 hands free and baby will be able to sleep on you while you do bits/have a cup of tea/ go to the toilet.

Can't shower? Run a bath and wash with baby.

I used to hate to leave my first to cry but you find ways round it. Take it easy and don't pressure yourself to have everything perfect in the house.

Of course there is! My first was the most difficult, unsettled baby ever but I still had time for a cup of tea.

I don’t know why people can’t talk about what other people do differently to them without using pejorative terms like “cold cot” and “stewing” in a carrier and “wet” parents

🤣 Guilty as charged and that's a fair point (I used the term stewing in a sling, largely in response to the cold cot comment). This can be very emotive and we really should try and lower, not raise the temperature - if you'll excuse the pun 😊

Agree with this. Mine were all BF and all slept well once my milk fully came in.

Mine runs hot too. I also hated the carrier myself, it felt so awkward and uncomfortable. If I want to hold him, I’ll just hold him and we are both happier with that.

When you have a second child you will realise you could have had that cup of tea after all.

Both of mine happily slept in Moses basket as newborn in 3-hour blocks during day, so I had absolutely heaps of time! It gets trickier when they stop sleeping 18+ hours a day and are more picky where they go to sleep. DD2 would only sleep on me to start with after the initial 3-4 weeks, but I have another child obviously so couldn't indulge that like I could with DD1, so she was in the sling for about three months! DD1 I could sit on sofa watching TV with a sleeping baby on me or browsing on my phone or reading Kindle. I should have made more of it really, I didn't realise how good it was!

DD2 is 10mo old, almost walking and hellbent on climbing. But I still find time
for a tea!

My son is coming up to 10 months and he was a dream newborn. He’d feed (breastfed, wouldn’t take a bottle and still never had formula in his life), have a nappy change and would happily sleep in the Snuzpod or Moses basket. We did do contact naps because I enjoyed them and I’d binge some trashy tv and eat snacks which my husband brought into me (husband is a teacher and the babe arrived first day of the summer holidays, excellent timing).
We’d also go out for lunches and dinners with the babe as he’d happily snooze in his pram, I’d go to baby cinema, bring your own baby comedy shows etc and took full advantage of how chilled our baby was.

However, I have NO time now at nearly 10 months if he is awake for a shower, cup of tea, meal in peace as he’s nearly walking and attracted to danger 😅 and on two naps a day, so he needs constant watching. He will only tolerate being in the high chair for a short amount of time, so I can have a quick shower, make us a meal etc, but it’s not like it was before.

I seem to have less hours in the day now than a few months ago, so if you get lucky and your babe will settle in the cot etc, then take full advantage!

Exactly this. Works an absolute charm. As with any type of training, you start straight away and get them used to what their normal will be. You are the parent; the baby works around you, not the other way around! I have no idea why making life easy for yourself as a parent, and therefore being a better parent from getting more adequate sleep and mental focus, is now apparently an ‘unpopular’ idea… why on earth make a rod for your own backs??! Just be pragmatic, chill and close a door on where the Moses basket is if necessary - they’ll soon self-soothe. Also massively agree about the comment of getting them used to sleeping around noise/music - if you don’t already do so, sing to bump every chance you get/play your Spotify playlist/have the radio on - pick a favourite song to sing and sing it over and over, this then becomes their soothe song! Often stops them crying near instantaneously. Serious hack. And being used to background noise means easy to take out for coffee/brunch/lunch/dinner - whatever time of day they can just sleep strapped in as it lulls them off. Then you can have tea and cake and good conversation without interruption or stress! Biggest problem is finding other mums to be able to go out with now so many subscribe to this notion that baby must lead on absolutely everything… they’re too busy being tired and stressed being a slave to their baby to want to have a nice lunch out. Very sad, and no wonder there’s so much PND around. Honestly OP, if you take control early on you will have plenty of time for self-care - showering/skincare/hair/make up/yoga etc, having a cup of tea, socialising, etc etc - I also know people that studied for masters/PhD’s whilst on maternity because they suddenly had much more time than they thought they would from managing the process in a way that worked for them. Enjoy every moment but don’t let it rule you! Remember misery loves company, so the scaremongering you hear will often be from those wishing they’d done things differently and are just envious others achieve a better balance. Plus they will thank you for training them to be a good sleeper later on - my mum did this and as such I can sleep like a log literally anywhere - planes, trains, coaches, city centre hotels etc etc, and also without window dressings as the light doesn't bother me either. Good luck!

No way would I have let my tiny newborn baby scream in a cot. That's cruel.

and my third would indeed have just screamed. I didn't want a baby who just gave up crying because they realised no one would come.

You’ll also need it more, preferably with a slug of alcohol in it

Simply have an easy baby for whom all this advice works. Don’t have the other kind. It’s so easy I don’t know why everyone doesn't do it like me!

Are the parents who didn't have easy babies, who still found time to eat etc lying then?

@bussteward exactly! DC2 was so fucking easy compared to DC1, I finally understood where all the stupid advice had come from.

"Just be pragmatic, chill and close a door on where the Moses basket is if necessary - they’ll soon self-soothe."

With DC1 if you did this she'd have puked all over herself and burst blood vessels in her face and next and she still wouldn't stop screaming. This happened over and a over for "small" things like when I couldn't hold her so her dad held her, not even necessarily that she'd been left alone.

I remember seeing somewhere not to sleep train babies at risk of anxiety disorders, DC1 has been referred to CAHMS at the grand old age of 4 and nuerodevelopmental clinic too but as a baby she seemed typical just kinda high needs. Even now she doesn't self soothe, she masks or goes into shut down and they are awful for her mental health.

Congratulations @AudentesFortunaIuvat on your easy DC, I have one and it's a much quieter, easier and more pleasant experience.

I cannot recommended this enough!
A sippy cup for adults, that keeps tea hot for hours and prevents you from spilling all over baby's head! 😳

https://shoreusable.com/products/sho-flexi

It’s always assumed that you were feeble, wet, didn’t try hard enough, made a rod for your own back etc. You just have to let the nonsense wash over you, confident in the knowledge that you did what your child needed and so did they - in RL I used to smile indulgently and keep the “what the fuck do you know?” thoughts to myself. Fortunately now that my children are all preschool age and above people don’t go on about it as much any more.

I do wonder if some of the BF babies who wouldn't be put down mentioned on here were actually not getting enough milk?

My EBF baby wouldn't be put down down in the first week, she fed non-stop, barely slept, was inconsolable if not feeding. I received terrible advice from the midwives about 'fourth trimester', 'normal baby behaviour' and 'just keep BFing, you're doing great!' It was actually that my baby was literally starving as my milk was delayed and I had multiple risk factors for low supply (which I didn't know at the time as I had no idea low supply existed).

Once she was properly fed (she became so malnourished she had to be readmitted) with each BF topped up with formula she was like a different baby - content and settled after feeds, happy to be put down and sleep in the Moses basket.