Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

Sorry, I didn’t mean to quote that post!

@olderthanyouthink Yes, I had (have!) an easy second baby who did the thing from the books: “asleep unless he had a need, like hunger or a dirty nappy, then back to sleep once the need is resolved”. It was a revelation after DD1, who was very alert. Alert being code for “will skip the sleepy stage and go straight to screaming”.

Yes, everyone who had been through it themselves told me that one day he would wake up and the muscle at the top of his tummy would be strong enough to stay closed and that would be the end of reflux and that's how it happened for us. He's 10 months now, I think his speech is going to be delayed because of the damage to his insides, he's so softly spoken, no shrieks or loud noises at all.

Hope you get there soon, it's relentless and miserable when you're in the middle of it.

Yes, @bussteward - I wish John Lewis had the Easy Baby in stock when I put my order in. Those babies with no health issues and who “learn to self soothe” sound excellent.

Thinking of you both.

If you are still getting issues, including solid food refusal, I do recommend talking to the GP. Omeprazole and getting on top of eliminating allergens really helped us although the wider problems are ongoing for us.

@bussteward "will skip the sleepy stage and go straight to screaming" 😂😭🫠 so true,

With my two younger children, newborn stage was a piece of cake. I realised after my first that life's too short for forcing babies into routines and just got a really good sling so I could crack on with everything. It was great, I miss those days.

I love newborns. I find my days with my tiny baby while my toddler is at nursery are wonderful, peaceful days. I have time to do whatever I want to do.

People love to do down motherhood. For me at least, it's a joyful thing.

Depends on the baby OP. I was surprised how long feeding took when I first had a baby. It felt like often by the time mine had finished a feed, it was time for the next one. She would not nap in the day, bar an odd time or a ten minute doze or if I drove somewhere. Night time, pretty much went through with little waking, so got my breaks then. Some babies will nap, so can get tea then. Luck of the draw.

New borns were fine for me. It's the toddlers you have to run around after!

It’s joyful for me too. It’s not “doing down motherhood” to reflect that for some (or even many) babyhood isn’t peaceful. It may be wonderful.

I just wish people who had easier babies recognised that this isn’t their achievement and conversely when others have a very different experience it isn’t a failure.

Have you read what some mums are dealing with on here? Reflux so bad their children have ulcerated throats, ADHD, screaming until they vomit if put down, genetic disorders causing pain? And then mums with c-section pain, PND, no support at all and many more things.

There's easy babies, there's average babies and then there's a clusterfuck.

Some of us tried everything except leaving our babies to scream until they were sick. It didn't work. PPs whose advice ranged from 'put them down after feeds' to 'get them used to noise'. Well no shit Sherlock. Those were amongst the first 20 things we tried. We're not thick.

There was a kind of gallows humour in my house. DD had an alarm in her arse. I used to show visitors. Here's an unconscious baby, watch me lower her gently into her pre-warmed crib, WHAAAAAAAA, lift her out, silence, lower again WHAAAAAAA. Like a party trick. More than once I had to lick food off her head because eating one handed holding her was the only way. She still barely sleeps now. At 12. Just doesn't need it. I bloody do.

So let's try to understand that other mothers aren't stupid, or wet, or lazy, or soft, or lying. And be understanding.

@MrsTerryPratchett YES! Fucking YYYEEEEESSSSS

Only by showing the daily shit with a blow by blow for an extended period have I managed to get a few people to understand how much harder some kids can be.

Thanks everyone so much for sharing your experiences. I was not expecting hundreds of replies!! Lots of varied responses here and (of course!) not everyone agrees 😉I can't wait to meet my daughter and do the best we can when she gets here 😍

And BTW even on my worst days I wouldn't have swapped her for another, easier child. It shocked me how much I loved her.

😂 accurate and hilarious. My baby wouldn’t sleep either and as a teen he still doesn’t.

I drank a lot of tea and ate a lot of cake on mat leave. I also showered every day and always did my make up, As did all the women that was in my social group.

I was also naive about how much time I’d have on maternity leave. I even recall buying mason jars to make chutney 😂

In reality, I was stuck under a feeding/sleeping/crying baby pretty much all day and night. In my ‘free’ time I would change nappies, do the washing, generally act like the sleep deprived zombie that I was. Once my husband went back to work I barely even had time to brush my teeth let alone make and drink a cuppa.

I drink hot tea again now I’m back at work!!

I have had jobs where it is harder to get a cup of tea than when I was on maternity leave. But I am in low paid jobs.

I get difficult babies. Mine didn't have reflux, but was a horrendous sleeper (albiet not as a newborn), had colic, cluster fed, refused bottles and wouldn't be put down without crying.

I still didn't miss a meal. If I was hungry, I made a sandwich. If thirsty, I made a drink. I didn't leave them to cry - thank goodness for slings, multitasking and being able to do things with one arm.

My point is that the 'its impossible to even make a cup of tea' with some babies is patently false because otherwise people wouldn't manage twins, or having a second child. It may feel like there isn't time for those things, but if there truly wasnt, they'd be hundreds of thousands of starving toddlers.

Having a baby that is in discomfort and screaming all the time is hell, but it doesn't prevent anyone from putting some toast in one handed, or with slings or making a drink.

I get that it feels like it. My colicky baby was, it turns out very seriously ill, which is probably why her sleep etc continued to be so bad, and why she was so clingy. She's very susceptible to getting bugs frequently and horrendously now. On days when I've got a 4yo (who still doesn't sleep through and is still in my bed), ill, lying on me, I feel trapped. I don't drink or eat enough because it feels like I can't move as it would disturb her. Where psychic, my husband brings me food and drinks. But if he's not around, I put her in a wrap on me, and get done what I need. I feel trapped but I'm not. It's just that my needs don't feel as important.

I think it's same with babies a lot of the time. It feels like you are trapped and can't pee or need to eat, but could using a sling, but it often doesn't feel like enough of a priority to do so. All of your attention is lazer focussed on them.

It's still a choice though.

I have an 8 month old and found everything I was told about not being able to shower / have a cuppa complete scare mongering.

I've been lucky she has always been a good sleeper and didn't need to be attached to me all the time so I do think it depends on your baby. My attitude was very much to have a calm home and be relaxed and it seems to have rubbed off on her. She loves cuddles but has always been quite happy independently too.

I often think some existing parents are scare mongering to make themselves feel better. Even now when I say she's a good sleeper I just get "oh well you wait for blah blah to change all that".... they don't seem capable of being happy for me 😂

Baby will hopefully slot into your life and be calm and happy too 🙏🏼

@MrsTerryPratchett 👏👏👏

My favourite of the stupid advice is “I kept night feeds dark and quiet, so they knew it was night, and slept”. My daughter woke hourly from birth and how I wished I hadn’t bought the disco lights and played Agadoo at top volume while blowing a party noisemaker in her face at 2am, but alas, these are the parenting decisions we make.

This is typically why these threads get so soul destroying. 8 months in and apparently a parenting expert...
Wow.
I'm certainly not scaremongering to make myself feel better! But babies, and children, can be hard work. Some babies are easier than others, some children are more compliant than others, and how you parent will develop to best suit their needs.

If I were scaremongering, I'd talk about dealing with anxiety in young people, having to deal with the death of a beloved family pet and hold them while they ask why, the endless gruelling childhood illnesses. I'd shout about the joys of every 'first' moment, celebrating their wins, building a life and developing as a family.
I certainly wouldn't boast about my baby fitting in with my life seamlessly and look down on other mums for highlighting the hard bits...eight months in....
Straighten your crowns ladies, we are all doing our very best, and OP I'm sure you'll do the same.

But it is scaremongering. Having babies and children is hard work, but no one would manage two or more children if having one baby meant you could never eat, drink or wash.
I remember talking to a friend after we had both had a baby and we both agreed it was easier than many mums had been saying. I was sleep-deprived getting up at night, but I did have cups of tea, and ate, and had showers.

But if we are talking about BABIES then this posters experience of 8 months is highly relevant and frankly welcome amidst all the negativity. I had fairly similar experiences with my now 16 and 12 year old, am I permitted to share that?. I think you're unnecessarily mean post has exactly proven her point about scare mongering and people being able to accept that for many people it is not some nightmare scenario. That's a good thing surely or are we all meant to suffer to prove what dedicated parents we are?