35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

OP ,my daughter is a single Mum .She is an absolutely amazing Mum and will qualify as a Social Worker in June .Am going to be honest ,it has been bloody hard for her but she has almost got there ! Great role model for her child and her own mental health ..it is achievable to progress as a single Mum . Combination of Bursary from Uni and UC has worked for her .If you decide to go the adoption route I send you my love…am guessing a hard decision for you 💐

I think it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation but I do think that if it is money that is making you think that you cant keep your child that is quite different to you not wanting the baby. If you want the baby then there should be ways of making it work.

I think that, for a couple who cant have a child, getting to adopt a baby from someone without addiction issues etc is great, but, I think all children who are adopted have some feelings around this that may affect them to a greater or lesser degree.

Who knows what is going to be best / worst for your baby - growing up with a poor mother or growing up adopted, maybe in a family with other issues.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think it’s also worth adding that not everyone who adopts might be part of what people seem to think is the “ideal” happy rich couple (what a cliche!!) but they have been stringently assessed these days. So the idea an adopted baby could go to just anyone is also outdated and offensive to the thousands of people who adopt - whatever situation you are in as an adoptive parent, it’s a really difficult thing to do, and carries emotional risks and burdens all of its own.
It is also pretty patronising to say those who adopt are just getting a gift. It’s really not as simple as that, raising someone else’s child.
So I hope the OP makes the right decision for her and the child … and applaud her for considering this as she is doing … but even though I’ve never adopted (because I know how tough it is even as part of a happy reasonably well off couple who haven’t been able to have biological children) I think some of the comments on here about those who adopt are a bit offensive and naive.

Is that the case when a child is being voluntarily offered for adoption? I am not convinced. I know when a child is being removed from their parents they look at kinship carers but I dont think they do when someone wants them adopted.

OP I haven't RTFT so sorry if this or a variation of it has been said. I totally respect your wishes and think it's really brave of you to make this decision if you feel that you can't give this child what it needs.

However I think you need to remember that there's something you can give this baby that adoptive parents will never be able to. You can give them the primal bond. You can likely give them a comparitively much less complicated life in which they are connected to their bloodlines and don't have to question the wheres and the whys and the whatifs that underly your decision and the damage that might do to their sense of self and self-esteem.

I'm saying all of this as an adoptive parent. Please don't sell yourself short when making this decision. Read about attachment theory and use that to reflect on whether this child (and yourself) will really be better off this way. I know it's easy to say when I'm not in your position but you want to be a mum and provide for this child emotionally then trust me the finances and practicalities can be sorted to allow for this
Good luck whatever you decide xx

They absolutely do, yes.

Why wouldn’t they, though? Outcomes are better when a child remains within her birth family as long as the care is ‘good enough’, regardless of the reason tha child is not going to be raised by one or both biological parents. Adoption is a last resort.

OP do you want to have your baby adopted or do you feel you should?

Whatever you decide to do I hope it all goes well for you and sending all love 💕

@Delectable you realise that this newborn wouldn't be adopted until it's about 18 months old right? It'll be in foster care being well looked after until then, but it won't be straight into a family unit by a long chalk 🙄

I’m so sorry for your predicament. What ever you decide it’s going to be tough. Speak to MW and also ask for counselling to help you through what I imagine will be a grieving process. Sending you love. PM me if you need to chat @solosunflower , I’ll always listen

Because many people wanting to adopt won’t want their baby being looked after by anyone in close proximity and want it all to be anonymous.

I think as others have suggested you should speak initially with your midwife. They'll be able to assess and signpost. I'd go in with an open mind but I'd give them the 'thumbs up' you're considering adoption.
There are many things that might be affecting your thoughts and emotions at the moment....for starters you have a torent of hormones circulating! But finances, housing, relationships, mental and emotional wellbeing can all impact. It must be very tuff for you with no real support. A good midwife won't judge.
If you feel at anytime the wait is too long there helplines such as Samaritans. They offer telephone a 'text chat' support.
There are good people out there who want just as you do...the best for baby and the best for you.

You’re talking about what a birth parent might want, rather than what might be judged best for a child, though.

All I know is where I work (in Scotland), when someone puts a child up for adoption they don’t look for kinship carers first. They do that when a child is being removed.

That’s so nice! Really good to hear :)

Yes the law expects (quite rightly) that a child is given every opportunity to be cared for safely, permanently by biological family where possible. You wouldnt be able to get an adoption decision from the decision maker if there were gaps in the information about who has been explored and assessed.

I dont know why people think it would be any different. Every piece of focus of the work is about the child's needs.

In this particular case (given the information from OP) there would be significant attempts to ensure baby stays with mum in any case this is not a case where this child needs to be separated from its mum (given the information thus far)

Do you work in the courts?

I agree with @SilverCatStripes .
Adoption certainly does start off as a loss and a level of trauma. This may be resolved by a dedicated care giver however can often go unresolved for years and cause a lot of significant issues.

Also not all adoptive parents are good parents and adoptions can and do breakdown with children then being moved around the care system and experiencing more trauma.

OP just to note from a legal side the authorities will have to contact the father and his family to explore if any of them can care for the child before going down the adoption route. The father will also be included in court proceedings if an adoption order is made.
The authorities will also explore whether there are options for the baby to be cared for by your family members too. Just bear that in mind as they have to legally do this even if you aren’t in agreement.

OP have you thought about giving yourself a trial period with the baby? Try a month with baby at home and then review the situation?
I’d also encourage you to contact Social Services asap as they will be able to look at what support they can provide to you to help you care for baby. I agree with previous ouster as well about talking to your GP as you do sound very low.

Whatever you do decide I wish you and your little baby all the goodwill in the world x

@Starryskiesinthesky …………In all parts of the UK even if adoption is voluntary the authorities are legally obliged to assess if there are any kinship options. This is done even if the mother doesn’t agree with family members being contacted. There is no way around it. And when it gets to court the Judge will review the attempts to explore family options and order more assessments of other family if needed. Adoption in the UK is considered a last resort as it permanently does away with birth families legal ties to the child. There are strict laws around this.
No court in the UK including Scotland will grant an Adoption Order without kinship options being fully considered and assessed.

Adoptive parents do not come to the hospital and take a new baby home with them and every one lives happily ever after. The baby will be removed from the hospital by a Social Worker and firstly placed in a foster placement while all attempts are made to explore kinship options. The authorities will firstly have to apply to the family courts for an emergency or interim care order and have an initial Looked After Children Review within 10 days of the child going into care. Another LAC Review will be held 3 months later and then held every six months. The father may be part of these LAC Reviews.

It is impossible in the UK for a mum to decide her baby is going to be adopted and that’s the end of it. Adoption is a complex legal process governed by complex laws. The child’s right to be cared for within their biological families is right at the core of the legalities.

If all family options are exhausted then adoption outside of the family may be considered.

Yes, the father would need to be asked and other family. It is possible the father's parents for example might want to bring up their grandchild. There is nothing to stop the poster asking the father and family members first herself too. The father can apply for a parental responsibility order https://www.gov.uk/child-adoption/birth-parents-your-rights

My sincere apologies if the language has upset some and especially OP.

My use of the word gift is the word my friends always used, because that was how they really felt.
Absolutely blessed to have received a child when they were unable to have a child themselves.

Their children are all in their 25+ and have been very successful in that they are much loved and have parents that would do anything for them.

Of course historically many adoptions were forced in dreadful circumstances and horribly traumatic for the women involved.

But for the women that I know who couldn't have children 20-30 years ago, they remain hugely grateful to the women who gave up their babies for adoption and have done everything they could to be the best parents they could be.

I don't know the specific details of all of the babies backgrounds but I do know that two were students that accidentally became pregnant and didn't feel a termination was right for them, but felt they were far too young to be a mother and wanted to continue their studies.

Clearly adoptions have moved on since my experience of them.

OP I really wish you the very best at this very challenging time.

@billy1966 it's probably more 40, 50, 60 years since women (girls) felt they had no option. Packed of to Mother and Baby homes have babu taken away and expected to get on with life.

20-30 years ago is the 90s and 00s by then the only children coming up for adoption were from abuse or neglectful situations.

Not the same in England, I don’t know where OP is.

I wonder how OP is doing... I noticed that her original post was made nearly three weeks ago, so she will be about to give birth. Or may have done so already.

OP@solosunflower , if you are still following this thread, I wish you and your baby all the very best for the future, whatever you've decided.