35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

Not adoption - attachment * starting in the womb

I havent read the rest of the thread yet and another poster has already set out to some degree the process but there is a clear lack of understanding of the threshold and court processes for a situation like this

The first step is that the LA has a duty to contact both sides of the family to determine whether any birth family members are willing to present for the child and then be assessed. No court would allow for proceedings where that wasnt happening.

Whether a father has PR or is on a birth certificate at that stage is irrelevant, if it came to a father who had previously opted out (and there are many of those) being assessed, putting his family forward, then the court will ensure that he is given PR if necessary for the child. This doesnt always happen but the court will direct this, whether the mother wants this or not

Later once all assessments are done, IF, no family members are found to be capable or willing to care for the child, then a decision is made to seek permission to proceed with adoption. The evidence needed for why a child needs to be adopted is extremely detailed, stringent, there can be no gaps at all which is why everything and everyone is explored.

The parents would get to meet the adopters if they wish and this is often reassuring. But it could be anyone, from anywhere, single, couples, whoever

In terms of family assessments, then these will be prioritised, the law expects that children are placed within birth family were safe to do so, it needs to be 'good enough' to enable that to happen.

You do already love the baby to think so carefully about their future. I wish you luck and peace with whatever you decide x

Speak to your midwife @solosunflower but don't rush into anything. You say your mum is toxic, you aren't like that, so if your LO lived with you, no matter how little money you had, they wouldn't have the upbringing you did.

Some people get depression during pregnancy, so it could partly be something like that.

Please speak to your healthcare team before you contact anywhere else/do anything. If the adoption number you have practice decently, they should make sure you speak to your team first, too.

I think either speak to the midwife or ask to be referred to social services. Or if you have a religion you could contact an adoption agency run by a religious organisation. But usually nothing official would be agreed on till a few weeks after the birth. It used to be six. I think sometimes contact between the biological parents and adopting parents is allowed. But you need to decide if you want this. But it will all be discussed.

As bellac says the father has some rights and indeed might want to bring up the child. I remember that blind politician (Blunkett) who fathered a child with a married woman had brought in a law that allowed the real father to have rights even if the child were born within a marriage - very interesting laws in this field.

Talk to your midwife OP and take it from there. I get the impression that you’re far from certain about this tbh and I think you need to talk to an unbiased party.

I also truly believe that you could provide a stable home with the support that is out there….. but i appreciate that it is easy for me to say when I am not the one who is 35w pregnant and actually facing this dilemma.

Good luck.

OP,

Only you truly know your situation and how much you feel ready to take on.

I think it is an enormous act of selflessness to realise that a happy loving settled couple can offer your baby a stability that you can't right now.

You are enormously brave to want to gift a baby immediately upon birth.

Only you know if you can do this.

I have several friends over the years similarly gifted

One thing unites them and me in our view of the absolutely enormous love a mother must have for their unborn baby, to want so much better than you know you can provide, and to be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice in gifting them to a couple, who can do just that.

I really wish you the very best.

I know you're trying to be kind but there's absolutely no guarantee they'll be going to a couple. There's no guarantee that whoever adopts them (if they even do get adopted) won't have a change in circumstances and they won't grow up in poverty.

Adoption is a wonderful thing for people who want to give children a family, but theres no certainty around how that child will be raised, or what conditions they'll be raised in.

OP, I have a DD but when (unexpectedly) pregnant, I felt very much how you do now. My situation was not the same as I had a partner (quite a recent relationship) and was financially secure. However, I felt the despair of having a baby every single moment. My world crashed down on me. On the morning of my c-section I was Googling how to sign over a new born baby so I would have no parental responsibility.

For me, it all changed once the baby was born and I fell in love.

I only say this as this might happen to you.

Your situation sounds so terribly difficult so I can’t offer advice. You must just do what is right for you. I wish you well.

@billy1966 and many others

All this talk of 'gifting' this baby, any baby, to happy loving settled couples needs to stop.

This is a baby ffs, not a puppy, not a kitten, A baby and a vulnerable, scared woman.

I think anyone who judges you for giving a baby up for adoption because you have limited finances and no support is an idiot and doesn’t matter. I’d say keep your options open, glad you called tax credits and have an idea how much you’d have to manage on should you keep the baby. I had my first child at 16, it wasn’t easy, I don’t regret keeping him one bit but the first 10-15yrs were hard, even with a lot of support. I say keep your options open as you know you might struggle once you’ve given birth & feel that rush of love for your baby. But don’t feel ashamed if you decide to go ahead. I think you’re being really honest and realistic and should only be applauded for that. Don’t forget you might be able to get maintenance depending if dad works / if he’s employed and not hiding income via self employment etc.

I worked my way up the pay scale eventually, it took time and it’s only now I’m in a good position (and have 3 kids now, nearly all grown up). It’s only been possible to push ahead since my kids grew up though and didn’t need as much attention etc.

I really wish people would stop throwing around the word ‘gift’, like an actual baby is just some kind of giftwrapped magic present for some notional prosperous ‘happy, settled, loving couple’. Adopters are ordinary people who’ve passed a stringent process — they are not necessarily couples, they are not necessarily well-off, they’re not necessarily straight, they’re not necessarily people you’d like, and no adopters I know live in some utopian world of perfect happiness, especially not when they’re first handed a bewildered or grieving baby or small child. Even in relinquishment there’s loss for birth mother and baby, and adoption’s total legal severance of that relationship is why everyone involved in the process takes it so seriously.

I appreciate that the OP is frightened and uncertain and alone, and she has my heartfelt sympathy as she thinks through his, but it’s really unhelpful to pretend that even the happiest adoptions don’t come out of an original loss, and for the idea that a (largely imaginary) rich, happy settled couple can raise this baby better than her mother with financial help and support be left unexamined.

Sorry I didn’t realise you had put how far along you are.

Hear hear.

I'm adopted and find it really unsettling when people refer to adopted children going to a new home as a 'gift' for their adoptive parents.

We aren't rescue animals.

Another thing to consider @solosunflower is (as you know from knowing your ex) the outcomes for kids 'in care' aren't all that good. And I'm not an expert but that could also include children who are fostered/adopted. They might not go somewhere good, it might be a worse upbringing than you can provide.

Children who're adopted are often also left with an intense sense of rejection. It can fuck them up.

So going into that system as a general rule has poor outcomes, probably worse outcomes than if you brought them up.

Maybe consider/try to get therapy and stuff to make you feel more able to parent (regardless of income?) Your midwife etc could probably arrange something fairly quickly.

It's not uncommon for pregnancy/having a child to bring up trauma from someone's own childhood. But that's something that can be treated/helped.

Dear OP, please don't panic and make a rash decision.
Remember that many childless couples will do anything to have a child, including telling you that you are doing the right thing and that a child will do better in an affluent home. This isn't always true, I grew up very poor but had a mother who loved me and I've turned out OK!
Talk to a health professional about your concerns and your options. There is a lot of financial help available for single parents. Is the father completely off the scene now? Please don't give your child up in a bid to win him back. See how you feel once the baby arrives. Take your time darling and do what is right for you and your child.

@billy1966

Your heart is always in the right place and you give thoughtful and excellent advice on MN.

But please reconsider calling children 'gifts' or saying adopted children were 'gifted' to families. as it's quite unsettling and reduces them to just sort of being something to benefit adults.

Again I know you don't mean anything by it, just sharing my thoughts as someone adopted.

Wow, this. I totally agree.

I’m aware I’m not well informed enough to pass comment on your plan, so I won’t, but wishing you all the best x

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but have read your posts and I just wanted to send a hug and say that I think you’re being very brave.

having a baby can be a wonderful thing, but in my experience it is not the case that it makes up for every ill involved. The pre-school years are grueling, especially alone, and in my experience having serious money worries while trying to be a good parent is one of the hardest things anyone can attempt - it has almost finished me off over the past few years. My health has suffered because of the stress - it’s really hard to manage.

I don’t think you should only have children if you’re rich - but there is a middle ground. Unfortunately this is a decision no one can make for you and you absolutely have to do what feels right for you. There is no right and wrong in this situation, it’s just the best you can do with the information you have.

If you’re able to go down the adoption road I think that’s a very brave thing. I know someone who was adopted and she’s amazing.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself.

I think first of all speak to your midwife about your finances as she may be able to let you know what you are entitled to. Then you can cover all options before you have the baby. You have obviously had a tough time. Maybe some counselling may help your decision.

What a load of toss. She's not "gifting" a baby it isn't a present.

And there is absolutely no guarantees it's going to a "happy loving settled couple" and there are no guarantees that they can offer more stability than the baby's own mother can. Look at some of the examples on this thread. A family member of mine was adopted and his parents were horrible, he had an awful childhood.

Anything can happen to the person/couple adopting, the baby could go to another single parent, they could lose their job or have a relationship breakdown that means they're relying on UC just the same as the OP will be.

@solosunflower - I've only skimmed the thread, but I've read your comments.

I fell pregnant accidentally with twins 13 years ago, and was determined to have a termination. No contact from biological father. I had a mortgage, a job, bills - just like you.

I had a poor upbringing, lots of poverty, social services involvement, difficult family relationships.

I didn't have a termination as I couldn't face it. But then I didn't know what to do.

I didn't think it would be possible to manage with twins on my own. But it was. I became a freelance copywriter (which is pretty easy work if you're reasonably competent at English). I worked around the schedule of my babies, with my income topped up my benefits as needed.

There is nothing wrong with opting for adoption. It's a selfless decision, and you're an incredible person for wanting to do the best for your baby.

But I think what strikes me from your posts isn't that you don't want this baby, you sound like you think you're not good enough, and that you don't want your baby growing up in poverty. If those are your only concerns, there really are alternatives. And lots of women don't have family support, there are places you can get help.

I'm not actually trying to convince you. You really must do what you feel is the right thing - and the only person who knows what that is, is you. You owe no one any kind of explanation.

But please don't make the decision based on feelings of worthlessness, or thinking that you're less than. With Universal Credit and other forms of income, there are ways to boost your income. Please get some support from your midwife and take some time to think about what's best for you too. Huge hugs.

Totally agree.

Many women (girls really) were forced to give up their babies in the 50s, 60s and 70s it was seen as 'for the best'. Many of those women had a lifetime of regrets.
Governments have issued official apologies to those young women for a reason.

Op please seek help to discuss all options.