35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

Not at all, he doesn't even know he's a separate person from you yet. A newborn doesn't need socialising it's okay

Hello!

I have bought a few dummies today and given them a try...so far he's not taken to them. I have noticed that he's trying to self-sooth by sucking his fingers and rubbing his ear.

I use the baby carrier most days because it allows us to explore off the beaten track, plus I was getting tired of the fight against the pram. I did take him out in the pram tonight with absolutely no problems. He really enjoyed watching the trees and clouds. We also went to the supermarket. It was super busy and no meltdown! Now we've had a much better day I feel less like I'm making my baby anti-social. Plus we have our toddler and baby group now.

I'm generally okay, thank you. Feeling a bit low regarding my appearance. Motherhood has definitely aged me! May have a chop at the hairdressers to give myself a boost. I do wish that my baby had a father though.

Oh so glad you had a better day , I'm due my baby end of July and I'm getting as prepared as I can for good days and bad days too , take care and yes book in at the hairdressers when you can manage, I won't have much help in regards to babysitters now I'm writing this I best get mine done beforehand lol xx

Thank you @airmaxJ
Are you a solo parent?

Amazing OP sounds like a lovely day and evening.

My EBF didnt take a dummy - I think they can satisfy a lot of their sucking instincts from the bF itself but again every baby is so different. She is six months now and happy as Larry without a dummy.

If I’m not being an ott nervous wreck mother I let the hood of my bassinet pram down and let her watch the trees etc as well. She loved it. She was another pram hater but now she loves going in her bassinet for what I call “quiet time.” (She hates napping). Keep persevering with the pram where you can and he may grow to liking it too as he gets bigger and understands more.

As before a small baby only needs and wants their mother so you can’t isolate him by being there for him. Which you are. Amazingly.

I looked a mess for five months as a mother so can offer solidarity there. However if it’s getting you down see if you can schedule even ten minutes a day to do your hair and make up if you think it’ll make you feel better in yourself :) you are important too

well done again

Op you’re doing so fantastically well!! I couldn’t even get out and about until baby was about 3 months old!

Also, please don’t worry about your baby not having his father around. I never had mine around, I’ve never met him, but I know he has his own family and was present with them. I’ve never cared to know him, my mum raised me alone and did the job of two parents and I love her so much for it. I can honestly say that not knowing my dad hasn’t affected me in the slightest. My mum was always honest with me about my dad so I’ve always known, since I was little, and I think that was really important.

I often see a lot of advice on here to sugar coat absent father situations to your child, but I would actually advise against that and just be honest. By sugar coating it and your child finding out the truth later makes it seem as though there’s something to be ashamed of and creates a negative connotation around having an absent father. My mum was always very matter of fact about it - ‘you do have a biological father but he’s chosen not to be around, but I love you so much that there isn’t really room for a daddy anyway so I’m doing the job of mummy and daddy for you’. Something like that, from a young age. It made me feel really special that my mum loved me so much that there wasn’t enough room for a dad, even if he wanted to know me. I think that’s why I’ve grown into adulthood really not caring to know him.

I can’t stress this enough - your baby only needs you!

OP I have been following your thread from the start and can only echo previous posters saying how amazing you are! You're a fantastic caring and sensible mum. I was an absolute mess when I had my first baby and I had a loving and supportive family around me, including a husband! You are doing such a good job, your pure love for your baby boy shines through in your every post 💙

I promise you (I've had first hand experience) far better to have no father on the scene than a shit one. In time you can introduce good male role models for your son. Until then you are more than enough for him. Keep on being you x

I've been a single parent for over ten years and sometimes it is easier without the father. He was anti vaccination and didn't agree with a lot of my parenting decisions such as cosleeping and exclusive breastfeeding. When I became single I made all the parenting decisions without arguments and having to go behind his back. It was freeing in a way.

Hello everyone. Thank you for the kind and supportive messages. Honestly never expected so much genuine support from a forum!

I will be honest the last few days have not been good. The crying has been relentless and is really, really starting to get me down. I worry so much about his brain development whilst he's crying inconsolably. GP does not know why my baby is crying. He is healthy and doing well. Everyday feels like a dull slog. Just to be able to brush my teeth is a fight. I've wondered about taking him to an osteopath...it's the only thing I've yet to try. I can't settle if anyone else takes him for a walk to give me a break because I know he's crying his eyes out! I feel like I'm permanently on edge either trying to stop the crying or trying to prevent the crying from starting. He won't be rocked to sleep, either. He actually hates contact when he's trying to settle into sleep. The only things that will encourage sleep are the baby carrier, motion of the car and suckling on the breast. Yesterday he was awake from 4 am and dropped off from exhaustion at 10 pm. In that time he only had 1.5 hours sleep!!!!

I hate talking to people nowadays. People only want to talk about my baby. They look for me to be gushing and I feel so guilty that I'm not. I want to talk about anything but my baby! I'm so tired and ground down by it all.

OP, sorry, remind me how old your DS is now?

I promise the crying will get better even if it doesn’t feel like it. I expect you are in the thick of it now. Once out of the newborn phase you will start to see glimpses of ds developing a personality and the crying will lesson and it will be so worth it.

Re talking to people - can you say at the outset that you’d like to talk about something different?

You dont need to gush. I don’t gush over my baby and I love her more than anything. If that’s your personality then don’t force yourself to gush if it doesn’t feel right. It’s clear from what you have said on here that you are doing your best for your ds.

Aww poor wee mite, he must have been exhausted.
Have you tried lying him face down across your knees? So he can feel you but your blocking out all stimulation. Everything is so exciting at this age.

What about a bouncer or play mat. Will he entertain either of those?

This is as bad as it gets in terms of crying / sleep deprivation. And almost all the negative feelings you have will be gone once you are getting enough sleep.

DD had reflux and cried for 6 months. At the time, I thought I was losing my mind - and now - 18 years later - I look back and realised that I actually was. Sleep deprivation is a killer. It destroys you and skews your thinking and functionality.

Crying at this age is normal. It's all they have to communicate. At this point, he is probably crying with exhaustion as well as whatever else - colic / bit of reflux / hungry / tired and so on.

You have come so so far and you are doing so well. Just know that this stage is temporary and all the feelings you are feeling are part of 'this stage'.

Don't worry about him crying with other people - it's not a big deal. Remember that your DS's crying triggers you in a way it won't trigger someone who isn't his mum. They won't find it half as stressful as you do. Say 'yes' to all offers of help - especially if they facilitate sleep.

This
Will
Pass

Keep on keeping on. You are being brilliant.

Oh OP that sounds so exhausting, and mentally draining. I'm trying to think back to those days and what worked but it was a while ago. My DS was OK in the mornings but a cried a lot later in the day. I was lucky that he slept well though.

Some things that helped (sometimes) were - swaddling, putting him a buggy facing the wall so no stimulation, bouncy chair, wandering around with him in a front sling facing forwards....I expect you've tried all these but am just wracking my brains. My DS liked interaction so he cried when he was ignored - but then got overtired and cried because he was overstimulated, I think. So hard to get it right.

I also used to put the cylinder hoover on outside his room to provide white noise, which sometimes helped for daytime sleeps.

Do you have a garden? I used to put the DCs in a moses basket when small and take them outside while I could do some weeding etc (or read a book) - and I think looking at the sky sometimes helped. Or lying naked on a blanket when warm enough. (DCs not me lol).

It sounds relentless and I feel for you - but it does get better.

My first was a crier too, and I totally empathise with the feelings of despair and exhaustion at the sheer relentlessness of it. A couple of things I did; put her in a bouncy chair in front of the washing machine when it was going - although she'd still cry for a bit, I couldn't hear her as much over the sound of the machine (I could see her, she was safe) and sometimes she would get distracted enough for a break in the screaming. It felt like she had a motion detector, so she had to be held and in motion the entire time. I mainly carried her in a papoose, but had to keep swaying, or bouncing up and down. Her crying did settle to normal levels eventually, but at baby groups and the like, she was always the one screaming! Like you, I felt bad taking her places when all she would do was cry, but people kept reassuring me that they didn't mind and that it was bothering me far more than it was bothering them - I didn't believe them at the time, but I do now!

I was very low at around the stage you're at now. I vividly remember being in tears on the phone to my Mum one day and her telling me to take her out in the pram, and not to worry if she cried. It was literally hammering down with rain but I went out and stomped down the canal path for a couple of miles. She was crying when we set off, but after a while I couldn't hear her, because of the rain and it was hard to see her properly because of the rain on the pram cover. When we got home, she was fast asleep and I felt a bit less frantic about it all. From then on, I made sure we left the house each day, even if it was just for a 30 minute walk, and I certainly felt better for it.

I know it's no help now, but my DD's crying really calmed down and by 6 months, she really only cried for 'normal' crying reasons. She's 16 now, and is an excellent sleeper!😁I was terrified to go through it all again when I had DD2, but she was the total opposite; completely chilled out and despite being born when DD1 was nearly 2, DD2 slept through the night before DD1 ever did!

I came back to say Op when it gets too much. Put him somewhere safe and go into another room for 5min and shut the door.

@OliveWah Oh you've brought back memories. I've done that crying baby in the pram. I remember taking my oldest out in the rain on Christmas Day to get him to sleep.

OP you are thinking of your baby and what's best for them. I have huge amounts of respect for you. I'm sure some couple will be deliriously happy with your baby. The midwife will point you in the right direction. Hold your head up high you are doing a lovely thing. You don't have to answer to anyone. It will be hard after the birth but you already know that. Maybe you could write the baby a letter to go with them for when they are older.

Ask your health visitor to refer you to your local Perinatal team. Be honest with her about how you’re feeling. The perinatal team can offer great support

@caringcarer @Zee1993
Please at least read the Ops posts.

She's doing a grand job looking after her own baby.

What on earth are you saying? Of course I’ve read her post and it sounds like she’s struggling mentally and physically from exhaustion. The perinatal team are there to offer support mentally and with baby you weird person

@Zee1993 sorry shouldn't have tags you to.

No problem thank you

FFS read the OPs updates, she's doing a brilliant job of raising her baby

OP my mum said I was a really upset baby screaming all the time and that when I had cranial osteopathy it completely changed me so it's definitely worth a try!

I can't remember if it's already been mentioned but does he have another symptoms that point to something like CMPA?

Op is baby massage available near you?
I'd be tempted to try that.

@solosunflower

My first was a crier. I remember being very bothered by it, but my mum just said "babies cry", and that made me feel a bit better.

I took him to a cranial osteopath on the recommendation of my midwife, and I'm not sure that it helped, really, but I know lots of people who swear by it - so it's definitely worth a go.

I think I said upthread that in my case, the other thing that made a big difference was switching to bottle feeding. The day I switched to bottles, he slept basically all day, waking up every 4 hours to have another bottle then going back to sleep. Not that this would be the same for everyone, even if they were willing to bottle feed - just throwing it in.

You are doing a fantastic job.

BTW, talking about babies is very boring. Babies are actually quite boring full stop. Toddlers are brilliant, though.