35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

The thing that blows my mind about the father is that he's spent his whole life hating his mother for not being there for him (he was in care temporarily because his mother couldn't cope) yet he's near enough done the same thing.

so happy to hear baby is doing well!!!

also, regarding the CM: maybe reopen the case so you actually get the money you and baby deserve, it's really shitty he's only paying half :/

Ahh I agreed to half. I know he can’t cope with the full amount.

I think I understand why you agreed to half , kind of a compromise and can sense your kind decent personality and no doubt he does too . Hope he keeps paying it and doesn't start to cause any stress as you honestly sound an amazing mum xx

Just sending a bit more solidarity, @solosunflower. You and your little boy are doing fantastically.

I hope the baby group is okay. I took my DC1 to baby group with a very bad attitude (me, not him). I knew for a fact that everyone was going to be boring and 'mumsy' and bang on about breastfeeding and nappies, and that having a baby was the only thing I'd have in common with them - which was not enough, because having a baby is not very interesting. I couldn't have been more wrong! Some of those women are my closest friends 25 years on, even though we now all live in different cities.

OP catching up with the messages and the update on your baby are lovely. You are doing so well.

@solosunflower
Well done on the growth and weight gain, and holding it all together.

I had a constant cryer and found a book by William and Martha (?) Sears on the High Needs Baby to be a godsend. It explained my baby to me and was very sympathetic toward the mother. The edition I had was published more than two decades ago, but it's still in print.

www.amazon.com/Fussy-Baby-Book-Parenting-High-Need/dp/0316779164

The Sears also have a few websites on high needs/ fussy babies.

@solosunflower

what a long way you have come, I’m so glad for you and your boy that you worked it through.

maybe its time to change the title of your thread

Hi all.
Okay so the last few days have not been so great. I literally can't take my baby anywhere without him having distressing meltdowns. I've noticed it seems to be when he's around other people. A friend of mine has suggested that it's been caused by me because I live alone and I'm not socialising with other people. It does seem like a fair point. The only voice he hears from one day to the next is me.

Try a dummy , it's a comfort and he needs something. X

I think you’re doing an amazing job but could I ask why you’re so reluctant to give baby a dummy?

My baby was in the NICU and this was one of the first things they recommended. In her case, it was to get her sucking reflex that she wasn’t able to achieve in the womb because she was born so early but it also helps to soothe baby, especially when they can’t have the boob and it gives an amount of protection against SIDS as well.

My baby has always been soothed by the dummy and I always knew when she was sleeping deeply as she would spit it out. She’s now 19 months and only takes the dummy when going to sleep now. We’ll be weaning her off it altogether in the next few months and I think she’ll be fine without it.

Has someone told you it’s bad for baby or something?

I'm not entirely sure. Maybe because my brother and I never had one and my mother spoke disparagingly about them.

I'm going to buy a few tomorrow and try.

Is it possible that I'm making him isolated? His only human contact is pretty much me at the minute. I'm fairly introverted myself and don't want this for my son.

I wouldn't be against dummies.
My own mums anti dummy stance fell down before I was born, she struggled to get my older sibling to stop thumb sucking.
I also remember a girl in secondary doing it occasionally.

Do you have TV or radio on in the house, just so baby gets used to hearing other voices. Even some talking books might be an idea.

But don't stress your doing a grand job.

I personally don’t think you have made him isolated. A baby of your age wants his mum and that’s it. Which you’ve been doing brilliantly. Some babies have meltdowns when out - mine was one - she now smiles at everyone we meet! This phase will pass.

Do you take him out in the baby carrier? Perhaps he's just used to being held and not laying in the pram.
It will get easier for sure.

Babies don’t feel isolated, you’re his whole world!
My babies frequently screamed the cafe/shop/house etc down when they were small and I think they were just very loud criers. It passed!
You are doing brilliantly by the sounds of it.

He's not isolated right now. It's the baby moon stage you're living in a little cocoon. Some mothers in other cultures stay home with their baby for 40 days and they are pampered and taken care of.
When he is a bit older then yes you need to consider socialisation as they will need to develop social skills. But all baby needs now is that you listen and respond to his cues which sounds like what you are doing already.

You definitely haven’t isolated him. I had my first in 2020 so lockdowns all the time and she’s absolutely thriving now and so social. Your baby is so young, honestly all he needs is you. You’re absolutely not isolating him.

Could it be the pram he doesn’t like? My first hated the pram and would only be happy in a sling or a baby carrier. If you don’t have a one you can get one pretty cheaply on Vinted. Slings are amazing - baby feels so close and settled. You’ll have to YouTube how to wear one though.

How are you doing? You’ve spoken a lot about baby, but what about you?

He’s barely come to terms with being out of the womb, so just you and him is perfect! I look back at when DS was a new baby, and wonder why on earth I was dashing about with a cranky newborn to classes and NCT things he wailed through. With a time machine, I’d do exactly what you’re doing, cocoon, feed (and watch old films).

I was very anti dummy.... until one saved my sanity! Try it, the sucking action is very soothing for babies.

My parents were very critical of dummies and I held out until I tried one and OMG it was a life saver. Please try the dummy :) it won't do any harm. I was very strict to keep it to nap and bed time only and took it away at about 18 months so he wasn't too dependent. It made all the difference!
No you haven't caused him to be like this it's just a phase honest! Keep building up small excursions into your week and he will get used to it.

I have been following your thread, and you're doing brilliantly. All your baby needs is you - the outside world is a loud place. I just wanted to tell you our dummy story. My DD was an angry little crier and the midwife suggested a dummy to soothe her - she also said that she would be swallowing air with the crying, which could also be building up in her tummy which would give her wind - which would make her cry more. Honestly, giving her the dummy was the best thing. Whilst she was tiny, it was available all the time. Once she could sit up and play happily, etc, it lived in her bed, and she only had it to sleep with. I realised as well that it very easily became my habit to give it to her as opposed to her wanting it for comfort. My DS was in SCBU and he was given a dummy immediately. Both were really easy to wean off the dummy - the dummy fairy came and took it for another new baby who needed it.

Just to provide another view - my dc never had a dummy and she is just fine. Please do what you feel is best. You are the mother and you do know best for your child now and long term.

(I don’t mean this to be a dummy v no dummy debate as I literally don’t care either way if someone else’s child has a dummy or not, but I have been following this thread and I am conscious that only one opinion seems to have been given so far on dummies so I wanted to provide another view in case it makes you feel confident in doing what you feel is best.).

You and baby are doing so well.

I resisted using a dummy with my DS but when he started a terrible inconsolable crying phase at about 6 weeks I caved in..... what a game-changer!!! We never looked back. A dummy is not the devil's work, it's a life saver.

That's really good practical advice for the OP, imo. Tbh, I had never thought about criers taking in air causing discomfort, wish I'd known that re my 2nd DS, (1st was a perfect baby!), and ignored my irrational anti-dummy thing.
My 2nd DS has turned out just fine btw but he was a thumb sucker for an embarassingky long time! We live and learn, and I will be taking some of these lessons forward into my (hopefully) future grandmother days