35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

@solosunflower
I cant say what the best way forward for you is, although I do agree 100% with @Kamia
I just want to say that I hope you made detailed notes on the phone call and I'd suggest not speaking to him on the phone again, it's too easy for him to get to you, put you on the spot etc.
Would you be able to keep all comms to e-mail from now on, and never reply in real time, make him wait, give yourself time to consider your responses.

He only gets 1,200 after everything off.

Ah no, I didn't make notes. We ended up chatting like old times...his motivation being that I close the case. The problem is that I know he has big money issues.

He's a tosser, doesn't he just want another £200 a month to spend on drugs?

You know you can block HIM or archive his messages, right. He's not offering £200 a month as a gesture of kindness, he's potentially being made to pay that as the authorities have decided he can afford it. You don't owe him your friendship he's abandoned you at the worst time.

You're jointly responsible for having this baby and if you dropped it on his doorstep (obviously you wouldn't) he'd be on the hook for ALL costs relating to him.

In other words, you're still shouldering most of the burden and essentially doing him a huge favour doing all the care and most of the paying for a child which is just as much his as yours.

I think I feel guilty because we did talk about having a family. I talked about it a lot at various points. He went from wanting a family when things were more settled, to "seeing what happens".

Well now he’s seen what happened!

I'm sorry you’re feeling guilty but that’s just his mind games. Even if he was a one night stand it would still be his responsibility.

Do not feel guilty. This might just be the growth spurt he needs. He absolutely knows he is the father yet he wants a DNA test, he is stalling. Do not converse with this guy as a friend, he is not that. Leave the door open for him to be a father to your baby but have a clear boundary and do not succumb to his manipulation.

to me this suggests he was stringing you along..... wanted to keep the benefits of being in a relationship but not necessarily the sacrifices & hard work required to be a parent, so he made out that he might so as to keep you on the hook.
To echo other posters I'd suggest not chatting as friends with him, as you know his motive is to do with wanting to control you for HIS benefit.
I've not followed your thread very closely but I'm thinking you are quite vulnerable/in need of support ( I dont mean that to sound insulting in any way🙏) so it could be easy for him to worm his way in

@solosunflower
How the baby was concieved doesn't really matter. The babies father has a legal (and moral) responsibility to help fund his child.

Do you think the rest of his family know about the baby?
You'll probably get better advice on the single parents board.

How are you doing yourself this week? Hoping you are doing OK?

@Sugarfree23

Yes, his direct family are aware. The family is very messy and influenced by the father.

Thank you for asking. Pretty much the same, if I'm honest. Definitely nothing feels any easier yet. I had an appointment today for myself at the GP. Baby was settled in the waiting room, but the minute we entered the GP room he screamed blue murder. The GP was really frustrated with me saying things like, " I think he's hungry", "I think he needs his nappy changing". I tried to explain that none of these things needed doing and that he cries like this all the time. I felt so stressed by the situation and burst out crying myself. I could not settle baby at all and my appointment pretty much did not happen. GP offered no suggestion other than the car journey home would settle him and pretty much ushered me out the surgery. This is why I'm not meeting up with anyone or going to groups. I literally cannot settle him when he cries, other than with BF (assuming he's hungry). Sorry to not be more positive. Also, now that the 'newness' of a newborn has worn off, friends and people from work are a lot more distant. My mum is aware that I need support, yet she continues her life as normal. I just don't know what to think. Should I cope better? I don't know how to. It can take about four hours in a morning to settle him before I can brush my teeth or consider a wash. I know people say don't bother with housework etc, but there's only so much I can keep leaving.

Regarding CM. I just can't imagine being connected to the father for at least 16 years. The level of hate that he'll have towards me. Even without speaking, I'll know. Plus all the subsequent dramas of him not paying and me forever looking over my shoulder to see what he'll do in revenge.

@Thesharkradar Yes you are correct. I'm not in the best place right now. I don't have to worry about the father trying to get back in my life - he doesn't want to be with me. He's only speaking because I've agreed to the DNA test and he's found out he's got to pay should it come back that he's the father.

Maybe bottles would make a difference ? Formula?

Have you tried a dummy?
Not the flat orthodontic type, the big round cherry type, BF babies want something that resembles an actual nipple.

Check if baby has colic or trapped wind. If so this is something that will just pass. Try lifting his legs up to his chest which sometimes works or gently pushing his legs in a riding bicycle motion. Depending on the age he could have infacol before meals. Make sure he is burped plenty of times

Somerimes newborn babies go through growth spurts and they cluster feed which Is annoying. My son went through a phase where starting from 7 pm he used to cry and be very unsettled. Around this time I gave him a warm bath, a massage, put on some soothing music. I used to give him a feeding and then gently rocked him and hummed. This worked to keep him calm. It worked for a while. With newborns you just have to experiment to see what works. Sometimes in the early days I used to misread his cues and feed him until he began vomiting. Sometimes they just need a bit more comfort. Some babies need a bit of swaddling to calm them but some hate it. You could try that to see if it works. My newborn niece used to love that. Also newborns love skin to skin. If you put baby inside your baggy shirt for a while it might make him feel more secure.

OP - you’re still doing so well. My EBF baby was unsettled until 4 months (as pp suggests I think it was often trapped wind). My dd is now 6 months and bf is so much easier. In fact it’s easy. You need to do what is best for you but I promise the bf does get easy and baby more settled.

When is baby 3/4 months? Hopefully soon as things really did change overnight for me.

Your experience in the gp doesn’t sound fun, but I’ve often found gps not very helpful since my dd arrived. The gp shouting offering suggestions is enough to stress anyone out. If it gives you a laugh me and dd basically got chucked out the doctors surgery by the nurse doing my cervical smear. My dd would not settle and the nurse couldn’t cope 🤣

This is why I'm not meeting up with anyone or going to groups. I literally cannot settle him when he cries, other than with BF (assuming he's hungry). I can’t iterate enough that this was me for the first 4 months. My dd is now happy smiley and we do two baby groups a week. I waited until she was ready. Don’t put pressure to go now just go when ds is ready. There is no rush.

You are doing great. You ask if you should cope better - everyone wonders this but you are honestly doing so well.

I found that friends do tail off with their messages a few months in to the baby being here, but you can continue to post here at least and people will help.

Oh yes also agree with Kamia. I started doing skin to skin daily at about ten weeks (the health visitor reminded me about skin to skin) and baby loved it.

Two things came to my mind.

1. Don't close the CM - he needs to pay for his responsibility. You can block him and just do it through the CMS - don't have contact with him. He will still have a grand left.

1. Just pick yourself up and go to a baby group. Is there one ina local church? I found they tend to have some kindly volunteers. If there's a contact number call them first and say you're nervous about coming. It will help to find other mums and hear that others find it hard too but it does get better.

@solosunflower sorry you're going through this, it definitely sounds like 'colic' (although that is a broad and unhelpful term as it doesn't suggest a route cause) - and know this isn't the norm but it is common.

Have you tried gripe water or infacol first off? Or try to get hold of baby gavischon (which is similar to infacol as far as I know). Heart burn is likely. Gripe water is an absolute miracle for releasing wind and it's all natural ingredients.

Another thing that does help is baby massage especially to release stubborn trapped wind which drive babies crazy. There is a colic protocol. I suggest you reach out to a local doula and they can come over for an or so and train you 1:1 (rather than going to a baby group to learn it). Most doulas know baby massage. And they might have some other tips and would be nice to connect to an experienced mother/baby carer.

One tip I got told early on if baby is kicking off is change the temperature and scene. So go outside with him or run a baby and put him in it.

Another thing that can help with colic is craniosapal Oesteopathy - have a Google of who is local and have a chat with them. Sometimes a readjustment is needed to make baby happy.

Re your mum - she has proven over and over that she is not to be relied on. This is incredible sad and it's hard to not let that occupy thoughts. As you parent at the different stages unfortunately memories surface and a sort of grief sets in because you start to release that you didn't get the mum you deserved. But know you're breaking the cycle, it's such important work, your ancestors and your future blood lines will thank you for it. It's so hard though. Solidarity with you. I would definitely seek some therapy via the NHS if you can really just for yourself.

@solosunflower that's so disappointing about how the gp treated you.
Are you still seeing a health visitor?

£200 is a drop in the ocean. It’s not even a month of one day a week at nursery for me!

Just let him feed OP.

@winningeasy
Thank you. I love the part about breaking the cycle for future ancestors!

So I have found a baby group at the local church. I am going to give it a go! It's not far from me should I need to leave early. Fingers crossed!

The health visitor has been today and said baby is beautiful and healthy. During the night he's become very riddley and managing to move around, so from tonight I'm going to try and get him to sleep a bit more in the co-sleeper cot.

Re the father - he's done a complete 360 now saying that he feels guilty not being in his son's life, would like baby to have his surname, even talked about us moving in with him and me renting out my place. All very bizarre.

I wouldn't fall for the OP. Give the baby your surname. Don't put him on the birth certificate, just get that done asap so it can't even be debated anymore. This isn't a man you or baby can rely on.
I think you're doing brilliant by the way. Newborns are hard but it does get easier.

Sounds financially motivated OP. He probably thinks if you move in he won't have to pay maintenance and will have your maternity pay too! Don't put him on the birth certificate or give him your surname. Tell him he can have supervised visits to get to know baby but please don't let him manipulate you, you're doing so well!