35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

You may find today's, 4th May, Woman's Hour on R4 an interesting listen OP.
Easy to find via BBC Sounds

Hello. Thank you everyone for the responses. Everyone has been really supportive. Sorry it has taken me a while to make an update. I'm not the most articulate and it can be hard to find the right words.

Things have been a bit better the last few days. I've found that when he hasn't opened his bowels for over 24 hours, crying is at its absolute worst! I have started to use the baby carrier more, including around the house. This is helping me to get washing etc sorted and a bit of housework. The pram is a no-go at the moment because baby is so restless when using it.

To answer the question about social support, it is just me and baby at the minute. I do have contact with the perinatal team, plus I do spend time chatting on the phone to a friend and Whatsapping others. I do have a fair amount of people I could meet up with, but I can't face it. I'm not 100% sure why. I think in part because I look so tired and rough. I know it shouldn't be of significance right now, but still it gets me down to be wearing the same leggings and hoodie. And the other issue is baby's crying and fussing. Everyone says it's normal etc....I suppose I've been waiting for things to settle until I get more social again. I am an introvert anyway. There is a baby massage group I would really like to attend. That is for babies of 6 weeks old. Mine is currently 4 weeks and 2 days.

I am also concerned about how I'll get back to work. I'm supposed to return for two days in three months. I have no idea how to get into any routine for this. Currently we are co-sleeping and up about every 2 hours through the night. Baby absolutely hates the co-sleeper cot attached to the bed and has never slept in there. How do people manage this? At the moment baby stays up with me and naps whenever. I'm a night owl, so I don't go to sleep until about midnight. Generally I turn the lights low about 9 pm, so that baby can settle and I read or look at my laptop in the dim light. Usually by 10/11pm baby is asleep. Should I be doing things earlier? I'm not in mind to force a sleep routine, I'm just thinking how can I work with baby to make a semblance of some routine? If I'm honest, I don't want to be going to sleep at 8pm myself. Not a chance I would drop off.

2 hours sounds about normal for a newborn. Their tummies are too small so they get hungry and wake up for food. As they get older they get better at sucking and can hold more food in their tummies then you can try for a routine. At the moment it seems like you're following your babies cues which is just exactly what you should be doing. When they are older they will sleep less during the day too they will have a morning nap and one afternoon nap. You can then start establishing a routine. You can do activities that tire them out and relaxing activities before bedtime which you can start establishing from now. A bath a massage baby a soothing lullaby. It's never too early to start reading to them. There's baby books you can read. That can be an activity in your routine. I like how you have lights off at a particular time and you do things quietly on your computer that is a cue for baby that it is time to wind down. You are doing amazing honestly.

I think you're doing brilliantly. Re sleep as baby gets a bit older try the same routine but starting a bit earlier every few weeks. Tiny babies can have surprisingly late bedtimes but as they get older it changes.
The thing is just as you think you're confident at something they grow/ change and it's all new again. Calms down in stages though. I found 6 months, a year and 2 years to be stages where things got easier.

@solosunflower, you’re doing really well. At four weeks I was googling ‘fostering and adoption services’, and thought I had made a terrible life-wrecking mistake.

At the moment, I would literally do whatever is easiest for you for now and not give a second thought to a two-day work stint in three months time. It might be hard to believe, but you will have a different baby, and be in a completely different headspace by then.

Do whatever works now. If your current pattern works for you, keep going, and when it stops working, change it then. (Honestly, one of the things about having a newborn is that whatever is desperately concerning you today (feeding, nappies, naps, crying) will almost certainly have resolved within a couple of weeks, only to be replaced by an entirely different problem you didn’t foresee!)

Don't force yourself out against your will. Maybe gently ease yourself out by taking your baby for a solo walk in the sling? And you’re allowed to look ghastly — it’s pretty much expected. Looking back, I’m baffled as to why I kept hustling myself and DS out to baby massage classes and NCT things. He screamed through all of them, and I had an infected CS scar and had to leave the pushchair (he hated the sling) up and down a flight of steps. I don’t know why I didn’t just nest and watch old films while feeding. Are there people who could come and see you at home, even for a ten-minute chat?

DS never slept in his cot, only in our bed, or actually on me. When I went back to work, I had no idea how it would work out with his childminder, but from day 1, he napped in his pram in her front room!

Everything you’re doing is great. You should be very proud. Best wishes.

Also all babies are different so if someone recommends something that worked for them and it doesn't work for you don't be disheartened. As baby grows it might work for you later.

@solosunflower I just want to say I admire you so much for doing this on your own xo

@solosunflowermy 5 month old still won’t sleep in their next to me crib. My 2 year old went straight in there from birth, no problems. I didn’t do anything differently; all babies are different. I’ve just learned not to compare - comparison in the thief of joy.

I have to say, you genuinely sound like you’re an amazing mum! It’s clear from your posts that you’re responsive to all your babies needs and you really are doing so well. I hope you know that.

Baby absolutely hates the co-sleeper cot attached to the bed and has never slept in there. How do people manage this?

My daughter absolutely hated hers too so just slept in bed with me (and still does at 2!)

She always went to bed at about 11pm as a newborn as well I think that's normal

Totally this. Things will be so different a few months down the line.

You're doing so brilliantly well @solosunflower ❤️

Well done you’re doing amazingly.

If it helps I’ve jotted down a few things I found in my experience of a newborn:

My baby naturally bought forward her bedtime from about 4am (day 1) to 6/7pm as she got older. Can’t remember when. We honestly didn’t do anything in particular.

We were very baby led and baby did things when she was ready. I found that less stressful that forcing things on my baby that she maybe wasn’t ready for and her rejecting anyway.

The change you’ll see in baby over next 2/3 months will be crazy. They change so fast.

I had a v v v unsettled newborn. I couldn’t see how things would improve or change. But they did. And quickly. Once you’re over the “3 month newborn phase” it’ll be very different. Baby should be less settled and may be more amenable to the crib.

Babies are all so so different so best to look at what works with your ds. Agree with pp don’t be disheartened if other babies do X but yours only does Y. My baby goes in the next to me at night for example, but for naps will only sleep outside or on me inside. My baby refuses the sling. So I tend to park my baby on the patio outside for her naps. It’s what works for us (and I found it by trial and error) so you’ll find what works for you as time progresses.

PS I am six months post partum and still look a mess. It’s totally totally fine. My baby looks lovely though. I just prioritise her looking cute, and me catching up on sleep, instead of doing my make up. My choice no right or wrong.

OP, you are doing so well. I really admire your gumption. I know you’ve had a hard time but it really will be worth it.

My baby was in the NICU for the first 3 weeks of life so was accustomed to being fed and turned every 3 hours. This continued when she came home and it was hard going. I would read people having babies who slept for 5/6 hours at a time from birth and I would feel hopeless. I ended up with PND so I can understand you feeling like you can’t do it. My baby never went down before 10pm as a tiny baby. She also wouldn’t sleep in the very expensive next to me crib. We ended up buying a £30 Moses basket from Asda which she settled really well in. It did her for longer as she was so tiny but you could maybe give that a try.

She’s 19 months now and has only just started to fall asleep slightly earlier at 8.30/9pm but this is because she’s now dropped her second nap. Some babies are just late sleepers. I’m a night owl so I imagine she might just be taking after me.

I didn’t start going to any groups until she was about 5/6 months old as the PND was so bad and I was just exhausted. We didn’t go to many groups tbh but I had to go back to uni when she was 10 months old and she’s been in childcare since then and she’s absolutely thriving. I really enjoy spending time with her now and feel sad that I spent her tiny baby days wishing them away due to my own feelings.

Keep the faith, it honestly does get better.

Oh, also. I did bath, bottle, bed routine since she came home from hospital but it didn’t make much of a difference when she was tiny. It does now, she loves her night time bath, she asks for her bottle and then goes to sleep no problem. And sleeps well during the night.

She contact napped for the first year as well and I just went with it. I soaked it up as I figured eventually she wouldn’t want to do it. Now she doesn’t even want me to touch her as she drops off at night.

Don’t feel pressured into going to groups just because everyone else is doing it. My cousin went to every group going and our babies are very similar in nature, skills and socialisation. If you’re going back to work and your baby will be in childcare then he’ll get loads of stimulation anyway.

Hope you are ok @solosunflower

Hello! Thank you everyone. Well we've had a few rough days. Baby seems to have hit a crying inconsolably phase. I did reach the point of calling 111 last night because he'd only slept for 2hrs (whilst in the car) in a 14 hour period. The on-call GP wasn't concerned and said to visit the walk-in centre today if I was still worried. If I'm honest, I think he's getting overstimulated/overtired. He doesn't like the usual hacks such as sling/white noise/swaddle. He will drop off in the car, but there's only so many hours I can drive round, not to mention the petrol! I've noticed that cluster feeding seems to be back as well, so could be a growth spurt. I was beyond exhausted last night. Managed to get some more sleep this morning by letting baby suckle and sleep on the boobs! Definitely no sleep routine beyond dimming the lights at the same time. I'm also going to continue co-sleeping. Baby hates the co-cot and it seems unnecessarily stressful to push it.

I'm feeling a bit lonely. I would love to connect with at least one mum in a similar position to myself. I'm finding it quite hard to connect with my work friends right now because our lives are so different. Plus the newness of me having a baby has worn off, so I'm hearing less and less from people. I'm probably not going to return to my old job either. I feel too much has changed and would like a fresh start.

Oh God you've reminded me of my first being passed around my DGran, Mum and sister while they were all convinced he had 'wind'. He was maybe 6 weeks at time.
Nobody told me overtired baby's cry.

Lie them face down across your knees and gently rub their back. That's what would put mine to sleep.
I figured that out by accident about 3/4 days later.

Haha thanks, I'll give it a go. He's asleep at the moment on the boob. Guess I won't be moving for a bit.....!

I know you're exhausted atm OP but you do sound in relatively good spirits!
Is there a sure start anywhere near you? Any breastfeeding support groups? Baby massage, anything like that? I'm still friends with a couple of mums I met at groups and mine are well up. The groups can be pretty diverse too, such as toddler groups when baby is a wee bit bigger. Even at ones held in churches! ( no offence to any church people). I expected certain types, including at the breastfeeding groups, but the vast majority of mums are just ordinary (exhausted) women winging it with new babies.
I remember that loneliness first time round. It was awful.
A bit of support works wonders.

Oh gosh, yes, drlving around, desperate for a bit of respite, know it well. And the fuel cost eating into my soul and conscience. I had DC2's 2 year old brother on board too, luckily a very understabding and amenable 2 year old who would sing along gently to carefully selected music cd's (it was a while ago now!) while his baby brother slept... they are both delightful sons and we've all stayed sane!

You sound to me to be a fabulously intuitive mum, OP. You should be proud of yourself

OP firstly it sounds like you’re doing amazingly. Well done for still BF you should be really proud of yourself.

I had a high needs baby who also got over stimulated and tired. She was a nightmare until around four months (she would not sleep!!!!!) and then suddenly over night she started sleeping on her own in three hours blocks. I didn’t change anything. So my advice is to just do what works for now and as ds gets bigger his sleep may improve naturally. I was the mad mum who used to walk 10km round the block each day as only way for my baby to sleep. Not sure what the neighbours thought!!

If you are lonely and don’t want to go to baby groups yet that is completely fine. Try peanut, or otherwise please feel free to inbox me on here. My dd is now 6 months and was challenging as a newborn but now is a wonderful easy baby. Her newborn phase wasn’t that long ago so it is still really fresh. More than happy to chat at any point if it helps :)

Hello everyone. Just catching up with messages.

So a little update. I did end up filing a case with CM. I've been really unsure about this....they contacted me today to say the father wanted a DNA test, which I agreed to. Well this evening he sent a Whatsapp saying that he hated me, then rang me up. I've not heard from him at all during pregnancy. Basically he was saying he can't afford £200 a month, he's in his overdraft and accused me of filing the case so that I could try and get him back/always be in his life. The truth is that I know he does have a lot of money issues. I feel guilty and I'm now thinking to close the case. To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be as much as £200 and now I'm thinking he's going to make my life a misery in the background. He also reiterated that he did not want to be a father or see his son.

If he didn't want to be a father he should have not had sex simple. The baby is here now and is both your responsibility.

200 pound a month is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Some people spend that on phone contracts. Maybe it'll be his wake up call to budget people.

Budget better