35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

I second @Emelene's advice.

Sending hugs xx

Also second the advice to try more formula feedings. Breastfeeding can feel relentless even if you're a hard-core breast is best woman.

Have you got a sling? I found putting DD in the sling reduced her crying a lot and meant I could actually get stuff done and go out for walks etc

Yes definitely have you gave baby a dummy?

This, too. And I was absolutely dead set on how my baby would never have a dummy (in fact, I judged people like mad before I had a baby). He ditched it when he started thumb-sucking instead. He just wanted to suck something.

@solosunflower - OP. You are doing a fantastic job. Im a single mum. My little one is nearly 11..done it all on my own. Father never involved- no i cant get my head around it either! Its been so fuckin hard. But we are giving our little ones the best start in life. I EBF for the first year ,i just found it easier than arsing about with bottles. BUT,- its exhausting! Like others have said, have you tried a dummy. Often baby just wants comfort from boob, not always a feed. And maybe look into formula too, you just do what you have to. Good luck lovely. Feel free to PM me if you need to xx

OP you’ve done the hardest weeks!! It really will slowly but surely get easier.

Seriously I have a husband and we still look back at the first few weeks of being an absolute blur. We were so so sleep deprived.

There’ll be some blips in the road but you’ll get there. Baby will be able to go for longer stretches without feeding and feeding will get easier as their mouth gets bigger. He’ll also be able to have his full feed much faster as he gets more efficient at feeding generally.

I can totally see why you don’t want to get out to any groups yet, I think my DS was at least 3 months before we did any groups, though I went for walks with some friends before then.

Agree with this. I underestimated the benefit to me of a parking my baby on our balcony and sitting out there while baby slept. It gave me at least chance to rest even if I didn’t sleep, and a break from contact naps. Don’t run round doing chores unless 100% necessary.

Im so sorry that you are going through this. Can you speak to your health visitor, midwife, GP or social services to let them know that you are in crisis and need help. There is no shame at all in seeking the help you need, and if that help is adoption to give him the life you want him to have, then so be it, thats okay.

Agree about baby sleeping outside. I would go for a short walk to get them to sleep and either leave them outside or push them inside in the pram. They always slept so much better.

Sorry it’s a long one -

Hi OP, I know exactly how you feel and have gone through these waves of emotions . With my first baby DD , I wanted her so badly but my pregnancy was horrific and then the birth was even worst. I didn’t bond at all with her, felt suicidal and depressed from the get go, I have a partner who worked all hours of the day and night and it is lonely. I get you. The days can be long and tedious and you feel like you’re treading water every hour of the day. As some other posters have said, as draining and lonely and challenging it is now it does get better. I promise you. It’s hard been a mum, we put so much pressure on ourselfs. I didn’t do baby groups- honestly couldn’t have thought about anything worst at the time. I tried one actually and felt overwhelmed and judged and I judged myself as well.

The only thing you need to remember is you are doing amazingly ! Your darling baby is obsessed with you and your his world. The crying thing passes, my first did that, Jesus all night and day most the time but it does pass. bf is great and if you’re topping up with formula brilliant. I tried breastfeeding but my DD was constantly hungry and it was too much for me, she slept like a log the first formula feed she had. Go with the flow of how you feel.

Crying also, could be colic ? Or could be reflux , my new baby (12 weeks now) had reflux from three weeks old. She literally cried all day and night , and wouldn’t drop into a deep enough sleep. You can get baby gaviscon from the doctors who will do a prescription. Also gripe water is a blessing for their little trapped winds which can cause the crying as well.

If he struggles to sleep alone, I have a sleep head which works well in the cot, had one for my first and it’s like a little comfort for them been more snug . Obv used safely ( before MNetters jump on me).

Sorry if it’s been asked but where in the world/ country are you ? Mums are very supportive of helping out others like your friend has been. If you have any trusted local baby sitters or nurseries you could request a few hours.

Being a mum is HARD. even with a partner , I find it easier without my partner home so I can create my own routines etc. routines come with time as well, babies don’t know what time of day or night it is but it can happen. If you do a specific routine on night like bath, pjs , warm bottle, cuddle , sleep this will turn into habit eventually. I don’t do a bath every night , she just screams her head of then I rub her in baby lavender sleep stuff and she’s so tired from screaming at me she drops of lol ~ bad mum haha.

You’ve got this, my mums advice and a meme of Instagram - you can have a meltdown but just don’t unpack and stay there. Move forward each day like it’s new,

Got to go, bed time feed is calling xxx

Op going out to groups isn't just about making conversation it's about you realising you aren't alone.
Just chatting to people, other people saying what worked for them.

The first 12 weeks are hard, OP - for everyone, no matter if they’re alone/rich/got family/whatever. It’s not you! I remember those weeks very well. Lower any expectations, realise that many days you won’t be dressed by lunchtime, and use the time when baby is napping or feeding to do something for you. Read, study, watch boxsets.

But, each 2 weeks things take a step up, so it’s not 12 weeks of the same difficultness. You just have to take one day at a time. You’ll begin to realise that things are easing slowly.

If possible, try to get out. My first baby was a crier, and I always tried to go for a walk after lunch. She lay in the pram and often dozed. I’d be out for an hour or almost two, visiting the library, walking different streets, looking in shop windows, discovering new areas, new walks. Even if I was tired, it refreshed me mentally and I found it calming. Obviously it’s good for baby too.

Do get whatever support you need. They are lots of organisations out there, and lots of people like you. There are kind people around. Think positively. You are not your mother, you are you. You’re strong to have come through all you’ve mentioned. Your life isn’t destined to be like your mum’s or crap or worse than other people’s. You sound caring and sensitive. Your colleague likes you and helped you. You mentioned moving away. You can do that. You can do that without your mum, without your son’s useless father. You have options, and you are very much not a failure. It’s so hard when you’re down, hard to see the light, but it’s there and you’re entitled to have a good future. Accountancy done? Settled in a new, nice area, just you and your son, and people who are good friends to you.

I wish I could write it better. Sending you all my love. You’re not alone xxx

My first cried all the time too. It’s so hard. Perhaps he has colic? I also exclusively breastfed - it’s hard to begin with but then makes things easier the older baby gets, not to mention cheaper!
it’s so hard at the beginning.
I didn’t take mine to any baby groups until she was quite a bit older.
I would second what I’ve see. Another poster say about following the baby’s lead and not worrying about a routine.

Oh OP you’re at such a difficult stage! My DS had colic (loads of crying for no apparent reason) and when he was 3-6 weeks old it was the hardest and worst 3-6 weeks of my life. It started to get better so quickly from 6 weeks and then he turned into such a happy little boy and very rarely cried.

I would Google constantly ‘why is my baby crying’ and it would all say about trapped wind / digestive pain etc but I really felt it wasn’t that. In the end I think it was him getting overtired and when I learnt to read his tiredness cues better I could get him to sleep before he started screaming for hours. I also think I tended to subconsciously try to keep him up in the early evenings so he could sleep better at night but at that age he was so small he needed evening sleep.

try to hang in there OP. It is such a hard time. I remember thinking I couldn’t do it and would have to call social services to find him a foster family who could help because I really was at breaking point. But we got through it and you can too. Sending you so much strength. Feel free to message me anytime if you need moral support. You’re not alone

Also as others have suggested it could be reflux. Omeprazole is 10000x better than gaviscon so try to get prescribed omeprazole if his symptoms are consistent with reflux

Another one promising it does get easier. It really does.

Have you tried/ got a sling? I found ds felt comforted in a sling and it gave me free hands to do whatever I needed to. I can also bf him in the sling so it takes away the fear of going out and him screaming to be fed.

OP lots of supportive messages here for you. I note lots of different suggestions on baby classes but ultimately you need to do what feels right with you and baby at the time. Baby classes with a crying high needs baby are very different to baby classes with a content baby (I’ve done both).

It is clear however that everyone is in agreement that fresh air and walks are good for you and baby regardless of how you feel. One thing I noticed when I was out walking with my newborn was the amount of strangers that motivationally told me on the high street that “I was doing a great job.” I had it about five times on the high street, three times in costa and twice at the self check out counters in Sainsbury’s (yes baby was screaming at the time both times - I was mortified). However on reflection’s I have never known anything else in my life, other than being a mother, to receive this amount of support and encouragement from strangers. I think this alone shows what a hard job it is being a mother. You are not alone. As above, it does get easier.

Massive hugs - I was in the exact same position.

No one can imagine what a toxic mother is like. Only those with one actually knows.

Agree. I was anti dummies for some reason - but had twins and the nurses in the hospital told me to use one for the bigger baby (DS) so that I could get him to wait until it was time to feed both together. Made a huge difference.....

Hi OP, sympathy and solidarity.

I'm here to second what was said up thread about how you can still arrange emergency fostering or adoption if you don't see yourself as a mother.

I suspect though that at this stage you are afraid of judgment, including your own, if your son is adopted. And part of you won't want to lose him.

It's a really tough place you are in. But whatever you do don't lose compassion for yourself.

There's a future self you had imagined that you have lost, and even without baby won't recover fully as it will have come at a cost you didn't expect. But there are other future selves that remain possible.

Hang on in there. Hope the crying abates (no new advice, sorry). I'll think of you next time I light a candle.

I just wanted to comment to hope you're doing okay. Ask for more mental health support form your professionals (health visitor, gp, etc).
As for the routine... Baby is far too young to have one! Please don't feel that baby should have one just because of what you've read online! I can't remember when mine had one but it wasn't for months. You just have to remember that this time is theirs. It won't be forever. They need so much attention at this age, but one day they won't need it all, so try to enjoy the cuddles and cuteness. As time goes on, they won't need your full attention 24/7 and you'll start to feel more like yourself.
I agree with others posted, if breastfeeding is difficult for you, there are alternatives. You could express milk and bottle feed it if it helps you feel better. There are plenty of websites with tips on expressing, storing, etc. Or if you wanted to use more formula, you could start with formula for every other feed to see if that helps.
From what you've said about baby feeding often, they are likely cluster feeding. Ask your health visitor about baby's growth spurts as the cluster feeding is likely coinciding with that time.
Don't feel pressured to achieve anything other than taking care of baby at this point. The housework can wait, the more exciting, healthy meals can wait.
Please ask your friends and colleagues for help if needed. Even bringing a couple night's worth of home cooked food you can reheat is so helpful.
Also, I hope you've worked out your finances now, but use Money Saving Expert if not!

Honestly if I knew what I know now I would have had an abortion. I absolutely hate being a mother. I feel trapped and like I've lost so much.

It's still really early days @solosunflower . You'll get in your stride again. And speak with the midwife etc too. xx

You are doing an amazing job.

And know that you are not alone. The newborn stage is absolutely brutal, I had many nights wishing that I had not had a child at all. As soon as they're bigger this feels inconceviable.

I also know that you don't feel like it just now, but what helped me was going to groups and meeting other mums. I went to a breastfeeding group when DS was a few weeks old. I felt so down and defeated that I hid outside and openly sobbed for about ten minutes before going in. I just couldn't imagine how I would find the energy to have a conversation and appear normal. I also hadn't properly bonded with DS at that point, and felt like I was one big fraud, that this poor little baby deserved much better. Anyway, I met a mum at that group, and then joined the church playrgoup local to us that she went to, and a sensory class. Game changer. Just having something to aim for in the week, and someone to talk to - something that isn't so inwards and baby focused. At first it's mainly baby talk, but it helps you feel less alone. Then they became real friends that we started seeing outside of the groups, and honestly it was life saving. Hearing how others were struggling, having support, having a few hours of a laugh and drink together.

Anyway, you're doing fantastic. Keep going!

@solosunflower do you have any social support at all?