35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

Read the OP’s many updates.

Apologies OP just read your last few updates. Just disegard my post.

I feel so sorry for you, you poor pet.

You sound like a great woman in a desperate situation.

There is no shame in feeling overwhelmed.

I had a fabulous husband and I found new motherhood overwhelming too.

I can't imagine how hard it is alone.

I think you need to reach out to your GP and ask for support.

Would you consider emergency fostering to give you some time to think?

There is nothing wrong with these feelings you have.

Perhaps a break would give you time to really lean into how you feel and if this is more than exhaustion and loneliness.

Take back some control of these feelings of hopelessness by reaching out for help and support and information on your options.

Sending you strength and a hug.
You poor pet.

Talk to your GP or health visitor. Your area might have a mother's help type of volunteer service - someone who is vetted and can come and help you out be it hold baby whilst you sleep or does some washing for you.

I also think getting to a group would help you as making mum friends is a life saver when they are tiny just having other people who are going through similar stages with their kids.

It is not too late to go down the adoption route.
You have obviously tried very hard to do what’s right for this baby but sometimes there is only so much we can do.

I would speak to your HV and explain how you feel and look into the adoption process.
You can pull out at any time.

I would go to the gp about PND but tbh you’ve felt like this the entire pregnancy so I’m not sure it is PND.

@solosunflower are you getting out to groups or whatever are you meeting people ?

Are you getting much sleep?

It will get easier, slowly but surely.

@solosunflower I hear you. It's so hard. Words don't do justice to how hard it is!

Do you know if there are any support groups for single/solo parents where you live? Could you search on fb/Peanut or contact Gingerbread (charity that supports single parents). I'm a solo mum and I found the first weeks so hard even though I had a lot of help and support from friends and family. One thing that really helped was connecting with a group of local single mums. Some were solo by choice, some got pregnant accidentally and the father didn't want to know, some were divorced but they all understood the difficulties of being the only one who has to respond to every cry, do all the f*ing housework every day, make decisions alone, spend evenings alone...

I hope you can find your tribe of supportive mums too and meanwhile do keep posting here if it helps.

@solosunflower I am not you so I don't know, I cannot make assumptions.

I would just ask you to try to hold the faith.

These 'totally trapped', 'lost everything', desperate feelings come to all of us as new, (and older, further along the way mums.)

Your very tiny baby's total dependence on you for his/her very survival gradually eases, so so gradually. All your feelings of despair will be very much exacerbated now by tiredness, weeks of interrupted sleep, many, many times a night, inadequate nutrition through no fault of your own.
Set up quick online deliveries if you live somewhere where that's feasible.

Might be worth temporarily signing up to Amazon Prime for quick, fresh, nutritious food deliveries. You deserve some treats, after all.

Have a look at an online food retailer called Bother too, some very good deals. I discovered these sorts of useful companies during the various lockdowns we've had.

Taking practical steps to help you get through this time can really empower you to think: I can do this, I will do this..

Simple question: has your baby responded to anything like rattling a tiny baby toy near her/him, or has s/he turned her/his head to follow a musical mobile placed safely next her/him during a nappy change, a quick, non-smelly wee nappy change... or... those other ones?

By the stength you have shown throughout this incredible journey of yours, I believe you truly can do this

Sympathies, @solosunflower. I do think that’s a fairly ordinary element of having a small baby for a lot of people, regardless of circumstances. DS was planned, DH was supportive (though had just been made redundant and had to take a distant job, so no paternity leave), and I was absolutely despairing and felt I had ruined my own life permanently. It passed, eventually.

I think it is ok to admit that lots of early motherhood is just godawful.

You do get every single bit of your old self back, in time. I’ve always been grateful to the friend who told me that, and repeated it when necessary.

Do you think subconsciously you might act like your mother did with you towards the baby in the future or is it a different situation with regards to disliking being a mum ? I do hope you can sort this out before the baby suffers in any kind of way . Sorry not being mean at all just worried about the baby's future I thought you were enjoying it by last posts , hope your feeling better soon x

Are you still bf op? Probably controversial but you might feel more yourself if you move over to formula. I had more issues with depression with the baby I breastfed ( possibly all the hormones?) I was also a single mother then. Second time around I just bf for a week and switched to formula. I was a lot happier and felt more able to cope.

How do you mean baby suffering? Because he’s tried to bond with me?

No, I’m not attending groups. Baby cries constantly, so it’s hard enough getting to Asda. Plus I haven’t got the desire to make conversation with people.

I am bf, and top up occasionally with formula if the feeding has been relentless.

Just meant if it was similar between you and baby as it was between you and your mum at all , As you say you aren't close to your mum .

I am so sorry you are going through this. It isn't too late to give baby up for adoption, speak to your mental health team or health visitors, they should be able to advise you on the steps. X

@solosunflower I am so sorry you’re going through this. I remember your initial posts and thought how sensible and brave you were. You acknowledged and were aware of your situation and that being a solo parent wasn’t for you but I stopped reading when majority told you can do it alone, they did etc. I knew they would guilt you into keeping the baby. This is mumsnet, majority will have a biased view.

It’s not too late for adoption if that’s what you want to do. Motherhood isn’t for everyone. You have one life don’t live it with regrets. Speak to someone to see if you have PND first though.

After talking it through if you decide you can’t give the baby the life he needs there is no shame in giving him up.

@solosunflower I know breast is best, but I was in an absolute tunnel of awfulness with my first child (and that was with a husband, albeit a crap one). I am not saying you should do anything, but the one thing that made my life better was switching to formula. My poor DS, who had cried non stop for three weeks, spent the first formula day eating and sleeping. He cried much less after that. I also forced myself to go to baby groups, even though I knew for an absolute fact that I would hate everyone there and would have nothing to talk to a bunch of boring, bovine baby-obsessed women about (I was wrong on all counts!) I now realise that I should have shared my feelings with my midwife/HV. I was too ashamed, though. I remember the midwife asking me if I ever felt anxious post natally, and I slapped on a smile and said no, but in reality I was feeling desperate. If I could do one thing differently, it would be that.

This times a million. So sorry you're going through this OP. Despite what many say, having kids doesn't "get better" for some people.

OP. Well done on everything you have done so far. The first few weeks are the worst. They are tough.

I hope my experience below helps:

I have a 5.5 month baby and at times I wanted to give up (and I do have a DH). I promise promise promise promise it does get easier. Those first few weeks/months I was in a thick fog and didn’t feel myself. I have probably started to come out the worst of it at 4 months.

Just commenting on some of your points:

• My baby was the same as yours - cried everywhere. This drastically improved for me at 4 months. I felt trapped at home as couldn’t go anywhere without her screaming. It did improve. I promise. She is easy to take out now. My only regret was trying to go places with her. I wished I had gone with the flow and accepted that she just wanted cuddles at home.
• I didn’t go to baby groups until 4 months. Even then I found this too early. I would say my DC started to enjoy groups at 4.5 months (this also correlated with her crying lessesning). Do not put pressure on yourself to go until you are ready.
• I EBF but it is so tough. Do not feel bad if you switch to formula. However - I have found the BF to get easier from 4/5 months so I am glad I stuck at it.

Regardless of the above you do need some support and contact. Have you accessed all the local support you can? Healthy food vouchers, home start / visits? Can you regroup with your HV?

You are doing an amazing job. These first few months are difficult but they do get easier. I promise xxxx

Sorry op. It's so hard even in better circumstances. It gets a little easier every two weeks. When you go back to work also you'll feel a lot more yourself with having something going on that has nothing to do with baby.
At the beginning it really is relentless.
Do try to get to baby groups if you can. It breaks up the tedium.

Also if you have a balcony/garden op then put the baby outside in their pram to sleep. They sleep a lot longer and more deeply.

And just to say, putting baby in the pram and going for a walk often benefits you both. I know it's hard as its overwhelming and the last thing you want to do, but getting some fresh air often helps and the motion of the pram calms the baby. My oldest could scream for England but in the pram and moving became calm. It does get better, but if you feel that you really can't cope please talk to a professional.

Sorry things are so hard OP. Can you be referred to the perinatal mental health team? Your health visitor or GP can refer you and you should be able to refer you and you can get support? I hope things get better soon. You sound very isolated. Sending you lots of love x

So sorry op, having a baby is hard even with support so can only imagine what you are going through.
It does get easier but takes a while to get there and even now I still have days where I struggle (and days where my son is my world and it feels worth it).

My advice is give it some time and if you still feel you are struggling (or in a crisis) please don't be afraid to reach out or con sider your options re adoption.
Also don't feel ashamed to use formula, it was the only thing that gave me a break in the early days, fed is best and my ds is a healthy lively 3 year old now.

I mentally really struggled at the start and even though I have maternal feelings I think some of us don't always enjoy being a mum.

If you haven't already, give your baby a dummy. Makes life a lot easier.