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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

727 replies

solosunflower · 04/03/2023 19:40

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hubblebubble · 16/04/2023 12:39

You can put a claim in for CMS without him needing to be on the birth cert

Original poster

solosunflower · 16/04/2023 23:42

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.

My friend from work visited today. We had a good catch up for 3 hours and she took baby for a walk. I managed a bath, a batch of washing and a quick power nap in this time. When I woke from my nap, I nearly had a heart attack because I couldn't see where my son was and then I remembered.

This evening, my friend sent the father a picture. He instantly blocked her. I don't feel I can do anymore. If he's seen a picture and still doesn't care......

At least I know I tried my best.

@Hubblebubble Yes, someone did mention this. I feel really hesitant about CM because it ties me to the father for a long time.

OP posts:

Hubblebubble · 17/04/2023 00:14

@solosunflower I don't think you have to have any communication with him. You can leave it all in the hands of the CMS people. It's entirely separate from visitation or parental responsibility. But you can call the gingerbread charity for free for proper knowledgeable advice.

Hubblebubble · 17/04/2023 00:16

@solosunflower I'm so glad you have a good friend and had a lovely chance to recharge.

TisforTucan · 17/04/2023 00:17

@solosunflower I'm really glad you had a friend come visit you today, sounds like she's really supportive by helping with baby. I find it really important to keep socialising when my two were born, it made me feel more "normal" again.

As for "dad" I would just leave him to it, I don't think he deserves to be part of your life or the babies to be this uncaring. I can't ever imagine how you feel and it must be so raw but you've done all you can and if now's not the time as you bond and make a life with your little one, you will find someone who will be over the moon to be part of both your lives one day x

summerhillgang · 17/04/2023 11:58

@solosunflower what a lovely friend! So glad you have some support there.

You've done your best with your ex. The only value he can add is paying is his way and if he's working then the government can force him to contribute. Are his parents any good? Might be worth letting them know about the baby if they are. I think I remember you describing a very dysfunctional family in a previous post, so in that case absolutely not.

Maybe in years to come he will turn it around and be able to be there for your sun but sounds like is totally immature right now to be burying his head in the sand about his son. His massive loss.

Original poster

solosunflower · 17/04/2023 18:25

I think a big part of me hoped the father would sort himself out and be there for us in a small way. Seems really, really unlikely now that he's seen a picture and happily blocked.

OP posts:

airmaxJJeanii · 17/04/2023 18:37

Yes that must hurt . Glad the baby has you tho

Sugarfree23 · 17/04/2023 18:42

It must hurt, but it's his loss. And you know where you stand.

He might want nothing to do with you or baby but he still has an obligation to finacially support Baby.

I'm glad your friend came round. Would have been good for you to have an adult to talk too.

Original poster

solosunflower · 17/04/2023 19:10

Definitely! It was nice to talk about work things actually. Reminded me that I'm more than a milk machine!

I don't know how to explain, but I feel like I shouldn't chase CM because he hates us both.

OP posts:

airmaxJJeanii · 17/04/2023 19:48

Well if he doesn't learn to be careful and have protective sex then who knows how many more kids he'll make and just abandon. You might be doing future kids a favour by at least making him pay CM. Xx

summerhillgang · 17/04/2023 20:45

So sorry Sunflower, it's so hurtful. I don't think he hates you but he's definitely not emotionally mature enough to be a dad right now. Doesn't mean he shouldn't contribute financially, let's face it he's doing nothing practically and emotionally now so it's the absolutely least he can do. If it's there for the taking, then take it. You're raising his child, doing everything, one day he's going to want to meet him and he's going to kick himself when he realises what he's missed out on. Hugs x

Zonder · 17/04/2023 21:18

solosunflower · 17/04/2023 19:10

Definitely! It was nice to talk about work things actually. Reminded me that I'm more than a milk machine!

I don't know how to explain, but I feel like I shouldn't chase CM because he hates us both.

Your baby deserves to get money from the man. Do it for your baby.

Sugarfree23 · 18/04/2023 00:00

Definitely chase him for money.

Having other adults to talk with is the main reason why you should look for some baby groups to attend. They really aren't for the babies benefit they are for Mums to meet and get out the house

TisforTucan · 18/04/2023 00:07

I don't know, part of me thinks good riddance and if he's like this then why would you want his money. He also could get bitter and want access later on, personally I wouldn't want him around my baby if he is callous enough to act like he is now.

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/04/2023 01:49

Do you need his money to be OK financially @solosunflower? From what you said earlier, it would make a big difference.

As PP have said, he can ignore your baby if he chooses but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to contribute financially. He doesn't have to see his baby, but he does have to pay.

I commented earlier in the thread. I split up with my ex when I was pregnant. He ignored my texts and so did his friends. He has never seen his babies (twins). And honestly, the freedom has been amazing. I read some awful stories of trying to co parent on here and I'm so weirdly grateful that I didn't have to worry about any of that. My DC are 13 years old now and they're happy, fulfilled children - they haven't missed having him in their lives. It's entirely his loss.

However, I didn't ask him for CM. He was self-employed and working at his dad's company - I know they would fiddle costs to make sure he barely had to pay anything. I decided I didn't want him to ever try and play the victim - forced to pay but denied access. He has a previous child by another woman, and that was the story he told me. (I fell pregnant due to contraception failure - I hadn't planned to have children with him). I've never taken a penny from him and that suited me. It's been tough at times but I managed - given his attitude and complete refusal to acknowledge the birth, I didn't want him to be involved in any way.

I know most people will say I should have claimed CM but I didn't want him to be part of our lives in any way, or to stake a claim. I'm not saying what I did is right for everyone, but it was right for us. And remember, you can change your mind. If you don't go for CM now, it's not a forever decision - you can still lodge a claim at a later date if you need more time to decide.

The one thing I would say is that if I'd needed CM to look after my children properly, or that it would have made a difference to my career choices to work around my children, I'd have put the claim in. Try to remove yourself and your emotions from the decision and work out what you need to carve out the best life for you and your son.

Turtletotem · 18/04/2023 04:22

I was in a similar situation with a man 30+ years ago. We lived together and had a baby. He left on her first birthday because he had met someone else, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I remember him laughing when I told him. I went through the pregnancy and birth and he came to see the baby after she was born and wasn't actually interested. He came to see both children once or twice after that and I asked him for financial support. He said he didn't want to pay CM or see them again. I decided that they were nothing to do with him and didn't want his money to contribute to their lives. He never made contact again which worked well for all of us. Obviously financially it was hard but satisfying for me that I coped on all levels. I and the children remain in contact with his mum who is lovely but they've not seen or heard from him ever.
We are strong, you're being an excellent mum.

Coulditreallybe · 18/04/2023 10:47

Sending strength @solosunflower you must be doing so well. Go get that money for your son 😘

Sugarfree23 · 25/04/2023 23:14

@solosunflower Just checking in to see how you are doing?

airmaxJJeanii · 25/04/2023 23:52

Yes how are things going? Xx

Maya34 · 26/04/2023 05:55

Went thru the topic, dear author, you are coping with everything amazing! Just pray for you and wish you good luck in future, sending you strength🌸

winningeasy · 26/04/2023 07:45

Sending you lots of mama hugs xx

SafferUpNorth · 26/04/2023 08:41

Hope you and baby are settling down @solosunflower !@solosunflower ! You're an absolute star xxxx

Original poster

solosunflower · 01/05/2023 11:22

Honestly if I knew what I know now I would have had an abortion. I absolutely hate being a mother. I feel trapped and like I've lost so much.

OP posts:

Dwrcegin · 01/05/2023 11:30

Are you finding it hard generally or having a really bad few days? Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you are feeling?

I was a single mam, some days were so hard. The tiredness was so over whelming at times. Working, lack of sleep, and a baby. I know its a lot.

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