35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

You can do this, you really can. Don’t make any decisions until you’ve met your little one. He/ she needs you and you are all they have known. You already love them and they will love you in return.

ABSOLUTELY THIS... you love your baby. You've said so yourself.

I'm going to be brutally honest with you here @solosunflower - you need to STOP RIGHT NOW with this fantasy that baby will have a perfect, happy life once adopted. That is NOT the most likely outcome.

Firstly, as others have said, your tiny newborn will be placed in foster care. Passed along from one person to another at a time when nature dictates he should be bonding with his parent.

Then once adopted - and even if it's a well-off couple and he is given all the worldly goods his heart desires - anything can happen. They could split up. Abuse him emotionally or physically. Plus, he will live with a lifelong sense of rejection. He'll seek answers. He WILL come looking for you one day.

YOU WILL BE INFLICTING TRAUMA ON YOUR BABY - is that what you want??

All your baby needs is you. Staying with his mum, no mattter how imperfect she feels she is, is his best chance of a happy childhood and balanced adulthood. THere is plenty of help and support available for new mums like you - put your pride in your pocket and take it.

Forget about your useless mother and ex-partner. Focus on your baby - that's the strongest, most unconditional bond of love you will ever have. It'll be the making of you.

Right now I get that you're terrified. We all were in the last few weeks of pregnancy, But PLEASE put this rose-tinted view of adoption aside and prepare for the birth of your child on the assumption that you will keep him. Accept help.

@SafferUpNorth

As an adoptive parent I have to object.
None of us should be trying to guilt this woman into any course of action.

If she does decide that adoption is what she wants, then there will be no shortage of adopters available. Nor is it a given that a baby will be passed around foster carers. My friends who foster babies, all kept the babies until their permanent family was found and maintain contact afterwards.
The chances are that this baby would have a good outcome- just as my son has.
I don't think I have met an adopter who would disagree that if possible children should stay in the birth family.
But please do not paint adoption as something to be feared.

Well said Ted27

I know people mean well but the OP needs proper face to face support to be able to reach her own decision. It's not helpful to use scare tactics to try to persuade her to do what posters think best.

I work in social care and a newborn placed in foster care would not be passed on to another carers. We all know how important secure attachments are for brain development and future mental health. Also the move from foster care to adoptive parents is handled very carefully.

Unlike most babies who end up in Foster/ adoption Ops baby is not at risk.

It would be less traumatic for baby to stay with mum until a permanent family is found. But I still feel Op has a romanticised view of adoption and the dream family she has in mind.

Hello.

I have seen the MW today. She has referred me to the 'lotus team'. I have an appointment with them on Friday to discuss how I'm feeling and support networks in the area.

I am trying to focus my mind on things to improve my situation. I'm looking at any opportunities to retrain, in my free time, into tech. I don't actually know if this is worth it, or a viable option. I'm also trying to connect with other, local mums on the Peanut app.

@jjeanii I have the essential baby items! I've not got a lot because I'm a 'one in, one out' type of person. I was brought up with a hoarder and I'm mindful not to go overboard. I have been trying to buy something every month out of my wage. I have a co-sleeper, blankets, baby carrier, pram, baby grows, play gym and outfits, and plenty of essentials such as nappies, shampoo etc from co-workers. Only thing on my list at the minute is a tens machine and a baby bouncer.

@solosunflower

Wow - that's amazing. I know it must be taking a lot to do all that.
I think it shows where your heart lies. You are already a great mum.

Will you have anyone with you who can be at the birth? Is that what you wanted from your mum.
I've never had a baby so can't offer any advice but maybe something your friend from work can do for you is bring whatever you need to the hospital and give you a lift home?
Keep going - we are all rooting for you here

@solosunflower it sounds like you're doing fantastically.
I'm glad you're getting professional support and were brave enough to ask for it.

@solosunflower

what a co-incidence - the Peanut app just came up on my local face book page. I’d not heard of it before.
Looks like a great place to meet other mums

Thank you!

@Ted27

I will labour alone with the MW. This is not a problem for me and was always the plan. I do have a couple of friends who would support me getting home etc.

I don't suppose you're in the south west in a town beginning with aV are you (fine if you'd rather not say)

I only ask as my last pregnancy and my current one I was under a Lotus midwife, they're mental health specialists and absolutely fabulous, really really lovely and made me feel so much happier and I think that team are only based in this town (but I might be wrong!)

If you are in that area , feel free to PM me. I'm not due for another 14 weeks but I'd be happy to be your friend and if you do decide to keep your baby I could take you to baby groups that I go to with my daughter.

Sorry if this is overstepping or you're not in that area!

B not V!

@solosunflower I think you sound like an amazing strong woman and I think you would be a great mum. I am no contact with all my family, and had a really loveless upbringing, but it hasn't affected my ability to parent, quite the opposite, I shower my children with love everyday. As far as I am concerned their life is better without my parents in it, because mine certainly is. Your mum could and should have offered you support and encourage, but I am guessing she has never done this. It sounds like she has really let you down time and time again, so for your own mental health, get rid of her.

I really wonder if you are suffering from PND, a lot of women get this before the baby is born and it can really cloud judgement. You have had such a lot to think about. There is a lot of help out there if this is the case. I think you love your baby and you are certainly want they want more than anything. When your baby is here you will meet so many other mums, it's pretty hard not to, but there will be a new support available to you I promise, there are also so many kind older women who help out at those baby groups who are always good to talk to.

There will also be free childcare available from 9 months old from mid next year.

It sounds like you have everything ready for your baby, you own your own house which is much more than most. You got this I promise x

@MrNook

That is a kind offer, thank you. Although, I'm actually in the Midlands. Bassetlaw specifically.

@winningeasy Hello! I'm not sure about PND. It hasn't been mentioned by the MW; I may bring it up on Friday. It is something I'm worried about. Once I finish for maternity in a week and a half, my daily support network will be gone. I do know when I am very tired I have bleak thoughts.

Can I ask how you managed childcare?

i a. hi

@solosunflower
I'm really glad you have spoken to your MW. Are you feeling better?

You sound like you have the essentials covered and shows where your heart is (although I wouldn't waste money on a tens machine).
TBH I didn't have very much in the house for my first baby, pram, carseat, winter baby so had snow suit, crib, two packs of vests and two packs of sleep suits.

@solosunflower you certainly sound low, I am not surprised as motherhood is scary when you do have support, but I promise you life takes on a whole new meaning once you have a child. They will be your reason for everything. You are ambitious, this will absolutely be the making of you.

Childcare has been a mix of childminders, a part time nanny and now nursery. Back at work full time.

How long do you have mat pay for? Start thinking about nurseries ahead of time xx

Oh that's a shame, sorry if it came across as weird! Lotus midwives are brilliant though so I hope they help you, they stayed in touch for a while after my daughter was born too

@solosunflower
Is there anyone from work who'd be willing to meet you for coffee?

I'm not surprised you are frightened either but I believe you can do this.

You sound very prepared 🥰I hated my tens machine. I couldn’t stand it. It went on eBay not long after I had given birth. Don’t waste your money x

Lovely updates OP 😊

@winningeasy

I get full pay for three months, then drop on to statutory. I have had a look at local nurseries. There is one I think maybe suitable. Part of me wants to sell my house and start again somewhere new.

@MrNook

Definitely did not come across as weird! More thoughtful!

@solosunflower stay where you are just now. Moving house is so stressful and more stress is the last thing you need just now.
You also have a job where you are and people at work who care.

I hope posting on here has made you feel a little less alone and helpless OP.

There are people out there, kind and decent people, who will help you if you ask for it.

@solosunflower I think stay put for now, it's so close to the birth, could you join a Bump & Baby group? NCT? Or any prenatal group so you can meet some other first time Mums due around the same time? Your midwife will know. Peanut also great for this.

I believe many nurseries can take babies from 3 months so you could go back to work for a couple of days a week maybe, and then get your statutory still on top of that.

Yes we are all here. Do you know what sex you are having? I'm 16 week's pregnant with a boy.

There are also some groups under Birth Groups / Pregnancy topics for the month you are due, and there might be some local people on those you can connect with.

Community and connection is so important in early months I think, and will help with the blues xx