35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

I would echo this. I had zero interest in babies before mine were born. I still have zero interest in other people's babies (I make the right noises, but am internally thinking "urgh").

@solosunflower The very fact that you are trying to work out what is best for your unborn baby means that you are already a better mother than yours ever was.

I have been following your thread but not commenting until now. It is so desperately sad. Your baby would have a fantastic mum, and you're seriously thinking of giving the baby up - but other people just carry on having babies despite being completely unfit to have them, yet it never crosses their minds to think about it.

Also, as PP have said, there is no guarantee that your baby would be adopted at all, never mind by the family you would want him/her to be adopted by. This is so desperately sad on every possible level.

OP just so you are aware too, you mention the baby's father and say that he has a number of issues that you feel would make him unsuitable for parenting a child

You need to understand that in care proceedings, parents with a whole plethora of issues, drugs, MH, DV are supported to evidence that a) they can make and sustain changes b) they can meet baby's needs

The father (if he wished to present to care for the baby) would therefore be assessed and supported with a number of interventions (if he chose to take them up) to determine whether he could provide permanence for the child. The same would count for any family member who presented to care for the child.

We do complete viability assessments for family members who present, if they are negative (which means we wouldnt normally propose further assessment) we are increasingly being ordered by courts to continue with further assessment despite the SWs recommendation. Obviously that doesnt mean the final assessment outcome is positive but it means that proceedings are lengthy and protracted with contact taking place with the family members being assessed to determine their suitability etc etc.

In addition, children return to the care of their parents on regular basis where things arent perfect, we accept that some parents live with substance use, alcohol use, some poor functioning. If the assessment is that this doesnt affect the child to the degree that significant harm is caused, then the child will remain with their parent (or be placed with the alternative parent if thats the circumstances).

I can't stress enough that there is absolutely no chance that the father would come forward to care for the baby. Zero.

I understand that people bring up babies without their own mum etc, but I truly have zero family members. I feel overwhelmed by guilt that I've found myself in this situation. I can't continually put upon people at work. They have their own lives too.

I don find it hard to believe that no family would want a newborn.

It's not a case of people not WANTING a newborn, but that people don't GET a newborn. They get an 18 month old child that has been in foster care, that will be unsettled and grieving as they've been taken away from the only security they've had and now placed with them. It's not this picture you have of the baby being taken from you straight into a loving families arms, that's not how it works

It’s true, your newborn won’t get handed immediately to their forever family. They’ll be put in foster care, maybe a temporary foster carer at first, then a more permanent one before being adopted.

You may well be right about the father, but he also has family that would need to be explored

In addition I cant tell you how much pressure solicitors (and Guardians sometimes) can put on parents to present to care. We have lots of situations where the parent wants to pull out, they tell us this but their solicitor presents that the parent wants to continue being assessed. Its quite cruel actually

i have read all your posts- i see a woman crying for help. Don’t give up your baby. You are stronger than you think, you might not have family but having just one good friend is more than 10 useless family members- speaking from experience. Your single mum friend sounds lovely. Don’t build barriers and excuses, reach out!! you are loved and that is apparent by how thoughtful your friends at work have been buying gifts.
the money issue can be solved. Please mention it to you MW tomoro.
Please reach out for help. X

I'm watching on channel 5 , Ben fogle Lives in the wild , it's a young woman who lives in the woods of Sweden with her child and they are both thriving. She doesn't have anyone and they are both happy. Maybe you can watch it on channel 5 plus 1 . What I mean is the baby only needs you . I hope you change your mind. Bless

Do you have any baby stuff bought that the baby will need?

I will watch, thank you.
I feel useless and pathetic. I want him to be loved by many people. I fear I will mess his life up like I have done my own.

I agree my work friend has been very good to me. She has genuinely listened and tried to understand, even though it has been hard for her having children of her own.

You already care so much for this baby , you want a perfect life for her or him . There is no perfect life ever , but it has a mummy who wants a good life and that is amazing. The baby is already lucky - some babies have no parent who cares . I'm sorry it sounds like you have had not so nice an upbringing with your mother, that is the reason this baby will never have a bad life . Hug the baby on your arms , smell the baby , kiss your baby's head and all your love and protective nature will overcome your fears . Fear is so powerful that's what you are feeling now , love overcomes fear tell yourself xx

You won’t mess his life because you already said you won’t and you are conscious of the damage a parent can do to a child like your parents did to you.
I think you will be the best parent there is out there to your baby. You will be fine. Obviously there is no manual as to how to handle a newborn, we all struggled a bit as new mums but you will still navigate through. Bottle feeding instead of bf is fine. A mix is fine … exclusively bf is fine.. there’s no right or wrong. It will be fine. Just fine x because your love is all that your baby needs x

Big hugs to you for going through such an awful time and thinking of what is best for your baby. Tell us how things are when you talk to the midwife and be as honest as you can. Hopefully they do all they can to support you and ensure the best choice is being made for you.

Op I've heard of schemes like adopt-a-gran where older often lonely women basically befriend mums and give support and in turn they are supported by the family.

Op I honestly don't think you want to give your baby away - he could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It might not be easy but he's got a mum who wants the best for him.
There are reasons why teens are no longer forced to give up their babies.

Yes there are families who want a sweet newborn but it doesn't often work out like that.

Also talk to your gp about your mental health as this sounds very, very hard on you and antidepressants can sometimes help you see things more clearly and work out what you want and how.

I have a friend who had a baby and the dad left and grew up in care and had absolutely 0 family, she was totally on her own. We met at the early pregnancy unit and became friends and she is absolutely smashing it by herself. Has made loads of friends at baby groups and now has a support network of other mums. It is possible.

In regards to your last sentence, it's not a case of there not being couples (or single parents because it's not just couples who adopt) who want a newborn but the baby won't be given to them as a newborn, the baby will be in foster care for a while first, potentially with a few different foster carers. They won't go straight (if ever) to their forever home.

I think you need to be a lot kinder to yourself. You are in a difficult situation where the people who are supposed to support you have all let you down terribly.

You are NOT pathetic or useless or any of those other nasty things you say about yourself.

You come across as extremely compassionate & sincere in your wishes for a good life for your unborn child.

All you can do now is go easy on yourself. Talk to the hospital support teams and social services. There may even be support available that you don't even know about.

Temporary fostering of the baby is also possible too until you fully decide.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation but I don't think there's a right or wrong decision once you've taken the time to consider it fully and not rush it due to panic.

I really wish you the best whatever you decide but please stop being so hard on yourself.

@solosunflower please please realise that you are ALREADY a better mum than yours has ever been. Your baby needs you and your love and protection. Nothing else.
Take each day at a time.
Stuff work, start maternity leave tomorrow (if you want to) and don't hand your notice in yet. Take some time to chill out and chat with your midwife.

You need to believe in YOURSELF.

Newborns don't get handed to adopters in the uk. They go to foster care first. There will be a very long court process before they move from foster care to adopters.

Can really feel the stress worry and anxiety in your posts now. This stage of a first pregnancy is a very fearful time for anyone. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing talking about how you are feeling and letting the midwife know.

Please, if you can, take some comfort in the fact that you do not have to make any decisions right now you certainly do not need to have everything figured out. It's normal to want to feel in control but the truth is none of us are, especially while pregnant and about to give birth. Breathe, reside in uncertainty, take refuge in unknowing, ride the wave. I know you can do it and I'm sending you love. One foot in front the other. You've got this xx

Thank you everyone.

I do love my baby. I find it tremendously hard that the father doesn't, or my family. I want him to be everything I'm not: confident and self-assured, extroverted and well traveled. I wish I could get myself into a position to support him so much better.

I'm still working because my work colleagues/friends are my support network. My best friend at work leaves tomorrow. Receiving so many gifts has also triggered feelings of not being worthy etc.

This is the start of a loving life for you , your going to be loved and you are so special. Your a mummy , and you love your baby . Your a loving good mum and I'm sending you a hug . I don't have many friends and I'm an only child I wish we were nearer . I'm 40 and 22 weeks pregnant. I hope to still hear from you with your life xx

Do you have a Moses basket or something for the baby to sleep in yet ? I just got one from online4baby £39.99 with mattress and a stand . Just having a few things in made me feel great when I was so panicked before. Try getting some things in and see how it feels then x

There you go, you do love your baby. It's sad that the father doesn't (right now) but your love for your child will pull you both through the darkest of times.
You want so much for your baby and you can give all those things without money. ok - maybe the travel might take a few years but it's not impossible.
This is a new life for you. Cut out the poison (your mum & baby's father) grab it with both hands and make it your own.