35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

There's not a prayer of the father appearing or anyone in his family seeking custody. The father has a drugs problem - you wouldn't really know if you met him. He's never had any contact with his own mother. His biological brother was adopted. The baby's paternal grandfather is an alcoholic and his brain is absolute mush from drugs.

My father I've had no contract with in 18 years.

I have received extensive psychiatric treatment. I spent my 20's receiving eating disorder treatment and was eventually sectioned at 27 years old weighing 4 stone. My own mother watched me get to that weight, but sort no treatment because she didn't want me to let down the school I was working at. My mother believes she pulls strings over people because she inherited 200k, but pleads poverty. She suffers from a hoarding disorder and you pretty much can't get in the house due to junk.

As you can see, never of us are good parent material, and the grandparents are probably worse.

Listen to @Ted27, @solosunflower. If you really want to relinquish your baby, walking out of the hospital isn’t the right way. It sounds to me as if you’re desperate to try to pre-empt your own feelings, end uncertainty and force a decision. Whether or not you’re ‘maternal’ isn’t relevant. I’m not remotely maternal, had a deprived upbringing, and was never broody in my life, but I have a child, and I’m a good enough parent.

Very best wishes. Take your time.

I honestly don’t think that the fact that you were unwell in your 20s means that you can’t be an competent parent, OP. Plenty of folk recover from illness and become parents.

@solosunflower please speak with your MW.

You need proper councilling and time to think all of this through properly.
The impression I get is you were looking for your mum to say she'd support you and she didn't.

You sound like a completely different person to your mum. You can give this babu a good start.
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed by the situation you are in.

You cannot just walk away from your baby, that would involve the police, possibly social media appeals for you. Because very quickly they will become worried for your MH.

I don't get on with my MW, but I will say something when I see her on Wednesday.

Please speak to your midwife and be honest about how you’re feeling… they are there to help, they won’t be shocked and they will be able to show you what your options are, what the timeframes might be and what adoption would actually look like in practical terms. I’m sure they will also be able to help you access counselling while you’re considering what to do next.

If you decide to go through with an adoption, then I hope you will find a way to tell your work. This doesn’t mean broadcasting it all over the office - you only need to speak to one trusted person, ideally your manager and she can inform others if that’s what you prefer. It’s ok to own this choice if it’s what you want. Anyone who can’t offer you compassion and empathy, regardless of your choice, isn’t worth having in your life. It must be a terrifying prospect, and some people will no doubt be completely insensitive - but you might find others who you become closer to as a result. I would be devastated to think a colleague of mine was going through something like this alone.

Many of us here are thinking of you and, I’m sure, hoping you’re able to find some real life support. Your midwife is there to look after you - do try and let her. 💐

You could always try health visitor - just say you want to talk about something sensitive but don’t feel you can confide in your midwife.

(Or GP of course)

The GP might be an other option. Op you need help proper councilling to really think all of this through.
You probably won't have been allocated a Health Visitor yet, certainly in my area your child is allocated a HV once the MW signs you of at 10 days.

Op You have two sets of issues.
Financial which you should be able to get top-up benefits to help keep you. You'll be entitled to maintenance. Speak with your mortgage lender what they can do to help. The plans for childcare for one year olds should also help.

Practical issues being on your own with DC. You've mentioned at least one work colleague, who I'm sure will help.
I'd bet if you reach out to some others they will also be willing to lend a hand.

I don't believe in your heart you want to give your precious baby up.

@solosunflower you can contact your local social services department who will put you in contact with their adoption team.

Whether you put the baby up for adoption or not you still have to take some maternity leave after the birth which you ARE entitled too, so you won't owe that back. I believe it's 8 weeks but you would need to check this.

I didn't think the minimum maternity leave was as much as 8 weeks, I thought it was 2 weeks for office / shop work and 4 weeks for factories (which dates back to the 1830s an women in cotton and textile mills).

But ultimately Op you need to properly discuss this with someone look at all options and get councilling.

You also have to be ready for your inner mamma bear coming out. Once your baby is in your arms the thought of handing them to strangers might be a very different prospect.

OP you might be making the right decision you might not but please don't rush it.
No one is a perfect parent. I try my best, I try really really hard but I'm not perfect. I hope I'm good enough though.
The fact you are even considering this I think means you have it in you to be a brilliant mum. You want the best for your baby and that's hopefully where we all start with our children.
If I was you I wouldn't name the father and I'd give baby your surname and ask for help.
I don't know you but it sounds like a confidence and mental health issue. It might be this baby is the making of you, it'll be something you love unconditionally and give you a family.

OP just to add I am not maternal at all. However when my baby arrived I love her and care for her with all my heart. I still have absolutely zero interest in anyone else’s baby other than mine. Please don’t feel that you need to feel maternal to be a good mum.

Still wishing all the best for you abd your baby OP
I would just add that in addition to some of the other encouragement from other pp if you do decide to keep your bavy you'll find unconditional love from him/her oceans deep

If you decide not to keep the baby you must rest assured that you took that decision with your child's best interests at heart

From a practical point of view (if you keep the baby) I think you'd be entitled to 9 months paid maternity leave from your work then reduced pay for another several months, plus your job waiting for you

I've contacted my MW today and told her my thoughts. She made a referral this evening to the adoption team and I'm seeing her tomorrow.

I feel immense guilt for the gifts bought by colleagues.

I'm actually entitled to three months full pay by my company then drop to SMP. I will likely hand in my notice next week.

I've tried multiple times today to contact my mother to discuss things with no response.

Please don't walk out and leave your baby. They will always, always know that birth Mum walked away from them.
If you are really, really serious, look for your Local Authority policy for relinquished babies. They will be removed by a Social worker and placed in foster care. The Local authority will go to Court. A foster to adopt placement isn't an option in relinquishment of a newborn as baby will be in foster care around 6 weeks to allow a cooling off period - in case you change your mind.
If you genuinely don't think there's a way you can do it, then speak to adoption and do the counselling etc. Also pac uk are good.
If you're going to relinquish your baby you need to think about what that will be like for the child. Practically, they're going to want photos of you, a photo of you holding them, a letter from you. Details about their birth family that they'd never otherwise know. Details about their birth story and your pregnancy, what were your symptoms, what did you crave, all those things that will be lost forever.

What does she mean she has made a referral to the adoption team

Are you in the UK, thats not how it works

She said referral to PMA and mental health team

I assumed PMA was the adoption team?

In all honesty, no, I've not thought about photos and a write up about the birth etc. I really don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that right now.

@solosunflower
Forget your mum, she doesn't have your back.

Talk to your colleagues, your work may also have access to a councilling service.

Op you cannot be far off your due date. But you really need support.

I can't deal with my colleagues at the minute. They're all bringing baby gifts. I'm drowning in guilt.

I'm seeing my MW tomorrow.

I'm due Easter Monday

Ditch your mum.

I had a baby with no mum support. Millions of women have a baby with no mum to help them.

You will be given extra support.

Your baby may never actually be adopted. Are you really prepared for them to grow up in care, in different foster homes then a children's home as a teen? Then to have zero support as an adult?

Google says it's a Professional Midwifery Advocate, they're experienced midwives with additional training who support midwives and mums too