Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

Yeah, I’ve always been like this.

My last birth ended in a crash section. My premature baby went into intensive care and I had to have a blood transfusion.

I couldn’t breast feed, had postnatal depression and still haven’t recovered any sensation in my vagina.

This kind of birth is the statistical minority. As a scientist and all-round sensible person, I understand this to be fact.

You have jumped to a conclusion about me. I find your tone upsetting and triggering and will be reporting your post.

Definite nay. With DS1 every other partner stayed (I sent DH home to sleep) and I hated it, trying to hand express or change with strange men on the other side of a thin curtain was not great.

With DS2 covid restrictions meant partners could visit between 12-6 and no other visitors, it was bliss! It also meant the mums chatted to each other and I'm still in touch with two of them. Oh and I had c sections with both, the staff are there to help, partners shouldn't need to.

Agree .

This wasn’t addressed to me but I actually did have to run to the nurses station to save DS from choking to death on fluid in his lungs. I was so panicked that I had ripped my c section stitches but was told it was “impossible” and I was being dramatic. And to stop crying because it was bothering the midwife. It was traumatic when they reinserted the canula. I’m now having trouble getting pregnant again with three miscarriages and I wonder if it’s from the stitches it was impossible to rip. I did this because there was no one else to help. If my partner had been there maybe things Would’ve been different?

But it's not always an option - you can't always book and pay a side room, there's absolutely no option to do that in my area. Side rooms are often full. Heck when I was in, I'd had an emergency section and so had another woman but there weren't any side rooms available so that was that. The one opposite was occupied by a 19 year old couple who used to keep pushing the baby out onto corridor for the midwives to care for! Didn't seem to make any difference to the baby's care if that dad was there or not. But I digress anyway.

@CalpolDependant and you can't imagine any scenario where not everyone just squeezes out a lovely healthy baby, pulls their pants up and swans off home surrounded by singing bluebirds and a husband who only refers to his wife as "darling!"?

DS spent several days very nearly dying. The first time I saw him was a photo of him in an incubator, fully ventilated, with wires coming out of every direction. I'd had an emergency C section so officially couldn't go down for 6 hours. Nicu called the ward and told them they needed to get me down there ASAP before it was too late.
Who do you think pushed me back to my bed at 11pm and helped me get into bed? Who do you think pushed me down there at 7 am because I still couldn't walk that far 24 hours post delivery? All outside of visiting hours. Who dealt with me at 3 am when I was hysterical? Who would I have needed if they'd called the ward in the middle of the night because this time when he crashed they couldn't get him back? Perhaps DH could have slept outside the ward on the floor all night?

The twins C section was relatively straight forward in comparison, although. I did nearly pass out when my BP crashed, it was more the logistics of picking up two nearly 7lb each newborns with a catheter in, stitched up and high on oramorph but they still thankfully had a policy of twin dads being allowed to stay over

If there'd been any choice in the matter, I'd have preferred my husband at home, making my other kids feel reassured and secure. Unfortunately I had no choice but to accept that he needed to be with me and the other kids would just have to cope.

are there any mums here who had the crisp munching, video watching, facilities blocking fuckers of DHs with them that we have been reading about?

own up, i dare you

FWIW 25 years ago when i had my babies, in Germany, there were no men overnight, we had a fab breakfast buffet that opened at 5am and stayed open and stocked until lunchtime, a nursery with nursery nurses who brought your baby to you during the night if needed (or came to get you to go to the lovely relaxing breastfeeding room. Those night feeds were lovely, other new mums and babies with you, lovely kind midwives and nurses.) and all clothes, nappies and whatever you needed for the baby all provided. 5 night stay.

Not sure what it's like now, though.

Wow the responses to this thread make
me want to leave mumsnet. This is not my tribe!
”strange men”… these are people! They are dads. We’re never going to get anywhere until we stop demonising men for being men.

No, @SleepingStandingUp, if you had read my subsequent post you would already know this to be pretty far from the truth. I had a very, very traumatic birth. It has nothing to do with whether my husband should be allowed to stay all night in the PN ward.

Incidentally, my father had a heart attack last year. After 13 hours in surgery, my mother was still sent home after visiting hours.

It’s great that you can minimise what happened to you, but why do you think that means you can minimise what happens to other people? There are more and more horror births like yours and mine, so many that they aren’t a statistical abominably but becoming the majority. If we minimise and don’t talk about it and act like women who admit the struggle are being dramatic and all the things you said in your patronising post, then we are doing a disservice. Report my comment if you want, I was triggered by your post which is why I asked if you lacked empathy.

I absolutely hated Dads being on the ward at all hours - it felt intrusive and I didn't particularly want to wander past a whole row of men with my catheter bag every time I needed to change maternity pads etc. The postnatal ward I was on had visiting hours and they weren't meant to be there all the time, but seemingly no one reinforced them. They were often loud, and when we were moved to the neonatal unit as DS was premature and needed some extra support, one bloke there used to play loud dance music on his phone all fucking day, then take his paper and hog the single patient toilet/shower (there was a loo specifically for visitors outside the ward, he just couldn't be arsed to get buzzed in and out) for ages, leaving skidmarks in his wake. I hated him by the end of our time there.

I agree with others on this thread that it shouldn't be used as a sticking plaster for inadequate provision of medical care. The "care" I experienced on the postnatal ward was truly inadequate, being transferred to the neonatal unit was an overwhelming relief as we were finally looked after properly.

And, @SleepingStandingUp you really should refer to yourself as “hysterical”

No, mine was on 24/7 duty. He bathed the baby, changed the diapers, brought baby to me for nursing (I couldn't sit up or get baby myself), helped me go to the bathroom to make sure I wouldn't collapse, helped me in the bathroom with necessary hygiene, did everything.

@Phos I don't think any of us would begrudge you if you needed you dp there for medical reasons. The fact is maternity wards aren't fit for purpose. They are designed for women and babies with a chair for a temporary visitor. Allowing all fathers to be there 24 / 7 makes it an uncomfortable, stressful and unsafe environment.

but, statistically speaking, some people on here must be married to these oafs.

Some sense and compassion finally!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻

My relative's husband was an abusive misogynistic letch. You want him hanging around while you're trying to establish breast feeding and recover from an episiotomy? You crack on, but other women shouldn't have to put up with him. How do you tell the good (like my husband) from the bad?

It shouldn't happen. If people want men with them they need to pay for a private room. Women's safety is paramount.

I'm not angry but I would argue that having a baby 13 weeks early unexpectedly falls outside the range of my just feeling a bit uncomfortable and wanting my partner there just to make me "happy"

and yes, correct I absolutely should of been put in a private room rather than on a ward with all the other mums and babies because it was horrific and I've still not fully recovered from the experience now. And yes, but the staff at the hospital i was at were crap and could not care less. In my circumstances, my partner being there was the difference between me having a full on breakdown vs managing to reassure me and keep me as on an even keel as was possible in such a situation. If anyone had a problem with him being there then THEY could of paid for a private room if they were desperate for privacy.

I absolutely, categorically do not lack empathy and I’m genuinely sorry that you felt triggered by my post. The difference is that you personally attacked me and your response was designed to upset and trigger me. I could easily ask whether you yourself have any empathy. But I was going to assume you are just very upset by the subject matter. It is incredibly emotive.

I do not minimise my experience. I have actually had my story published on the BBC news website.

My daughter was stuck against my pelvis for 129 hours. I had a contraction every 7 minutes for 6 days. In maternity triage, a midwife saw her heart rate drop to 60 and said I “maybe just needed to drink some cold water and have a walk around”.

I do not minimise my experience, but it isn’t related to whether a PN ward should be a shared space.

Birth is not a competition. I am not in competition with you and I am not in competition with myself. I have given birth more than once and my traumatic birth is not more worthwhile than my “perfect” birth.

I reiterate that I am so sorry for your traumatic birth. I do understand, trust me.

Private room only. Totally unacceptable otherwise.

@SleepingStandingUp this was supposed to say “shouldn’t”! I am fat fingered!

We’re never going to get anywhere until we stop demonising men for being men.
It's not demonising men for being men.

It's saying men as a class pose certain risks to women, and we have no way of looking at them and deciding which one is a good egg and which is a bad egg.

Acknowledging that some women would not feel comfortable in a vulnerable situation with strange men around them is not demonising men.

My DH is lovely but to a female stranger he is a strange man and she has no idea if he is going to be the sort of man who'll be quiet, respectful and unobtrusive in a ward, or the sort of man who'll be a letch, loud, disrespectful, and generally make the post natal women feel uncomfortable. Which is why a woman who does not want strange men staying overnight in her hospital ward when she's vulnerable should have the option to single sex areas

No they shouldn’t be allowed.

This isn’t a male vs female issue as I don’t think female partners or other family members should be allowed to stay either.

You should pay for a private room if you want your partner to stay the night. It’s not a hotel.

This is one of the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life and it should have as few people around as possible.

There are also many abusive partners and there have many cases where the abuse has been picked up on or the woman has admitted to it whilst on the maternity ward away from her partner.
Both my sister and my friend weren’t allowed to BF because their partners told them it was inappropriate, even though they wanted to do it for the first couple of days at least.

I say this as someone who was looked out for by someone else’s partner as I overheard them whispering about me being a teenager and alone and how scared I must be.
He asked me if I needed anything from the shop, said that his wife said I can leave my baby with her if I need the toilet or shower and he brought me a chocolate bar - things that meant the absolute world to me.

But I was also very vulnerable and was being asked about my nipples, vagina, bowel movements and piles in a room full of complete strangers.
I wouldn’t have minded if I knew that everyone was going through the same thing but half of them weren’t and it made me feel even more humiliated.