Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

We’re never going to get anywhere until we stop demonising men for being men.

oh dear. "men" are quite clearly being criticised for being absolute oafs. If that's your definition of man, you might want to have a rethink.

But they are strangers to other women.

My partner is lovely and a genuinely respectful man. But others don’t know that, and even if they did, they still probably wouldn’t feel comfortable with him being around when they’ve just given birth with all that involves. Some women wouldn’t be bothered, but some would.

And then there’s the dreadful men who aren’t respectful to women, unfortunately these men become fathers too. Would you really want those ones around you?

If anyone had a problem with him being there then THEY could of paid for a private room if they were desperate for privacy.

So everyone else should pay for a private room because you are more important and your feelings trump everyone else’s?

I so wish my husband could have stayed with me for longer after both my births. Not overnight though, that would have been no fun for him, me, or the other women on the postnatal ward.

However if there was a new mother who needed her husband there I would have no issue with that.

First was just at the start of covid so he was with me and our new baby for maximum of an hour before I was left on my own to figure it out myself.

Second, he was with us longer as I was rushed to theatre after the birth to stop the bleeding. But with this being overnight and traumatic for him as well, I sent him home so he could sleep to then be able look after our other daughter. I was in for a couple of days and it was very lonely on the postnatal ward during the day.

@CalpolDependant then why give two paragraphs to saying where your husband was and where you think other peoples husbands should be?

Your personal experience is so valuable. I’m truly sorry you went through this, it just shouldn’t happen. My questions were not aimed to trigger you, my tone was one of disbelief. But hearing your story now I understand why having your husband do that worked for you. Can I ask where your husband was for the less perfect birth as it sounds like you were describing where he was for the “perfect” one. It’s not a case of just wanting them there to keep you happy, sometimes you want them there to keep you and your baby alive. Your post assumed that it works for everyone the same. I don’t think anybody thinks of birth as a competition. We all want women to feel supported and safe in the way that they chose. And yes maternity services are not up to scratch, which both of us have felt the consequences of.

My hospital kept the private rooms for the most dire of births and circumstances. I didn't have to pay for a private room. Lucky because it was essential my husband stay in the face of extreme short staffing and my total incapacity to do a single thing. Other women in the ward had no idea he was there. I didn't even want him there, I wanted him with my other kids, but there was no choice and I had to accept it. Private rooms are a good idea for this kind of situation. Being on a ward with other women, no thanks, even in the best of circumstances. Of course had my birth gone to plan, I wouldn't have been near the hospital in the first place.

@Weefreetiffany My husband was there until I asked him to go home be with our older children. He would have stayed all night if I’d ask. He’s devoted to us.

I’m confused about why it’s being said people should have to pay for private room? NHS care has already been paid for. Why should l have to pay twice for my husband to then do staff members jobs? Madness! Ironically we would be in better position financially if the round of IVF the NHS did was better and we hadn’t moved onto paying for private IVF that did work. NHS IVF was crap and didn’t work (l know the odds aren’t great but the ruptured ovarian cyst it gave me did damage an ovary).

I don’t want the NHS to be privatised but on the flip side lm not going to let a precedent be set of me paying twice for everything. I work for the NHS so that makes it even more galling!

I gave birth recently and I found it was fairly private, there were multiple visiting slots during the day and I just kept my curtains closed for that period as i felt exposed trying to establish bf and do skin to skin as much as possible, so I didn't need to see anyone. The ward was very loud outside visiting hours anyway so I didn't get any sleep until dh came the next day for morning visiting and I knew he was with baby because ds just wanted to be held so I'd done that by myself all night. Nurses don't have time for that. There were a number of women on my ward who's babies were very poorly and I felt so sorry for them that they needed to go through that alone, the nurses did as much as they could to console them but they couldn't sit with them all the time so there were long periods where they were left crying alone without their baby. One woman needed her partner to translate for her so he had to be on the phone the entire time on speaker which was louder then when he was there in person. Having had a section I couldn't lift anything or bend to reach anything so felt like I needed to ask a nurse to help with nappy changes etc which my dh could have done if he was there. The bathrooms on the ward were clearly marked as patients only bathrooms so dh used the public bathrooms in a different part of the hospital. I think the design layout of wards needs to be a bit better to give women more privacy so that everyone is accommodated. I also think that there's a period of bonding and attachment that dad's miss out on, never mind maybe getting more hands on info on changing and bathing or feeding etc so they can better support mum and baby when they go home. I also think it would give nurses a better chance to pick up on domestic abuse etc if they can see the interactions between the woman and her partner and intervene before she goes home to an unsafe situation. Ideally you'd have wards that are women only and partner friendly wards.

please do read my entire post rather than picking out the quote that suits your narrative.

Everyone should be entitled to support and a decent space to recover regardless of how straightforward their birth was. I was responding to someone else - maternity care is at the bottom of the pile in a system that is cracking. It's pretty shit for everyone but I very much doubt any woman on the ward I was on that night was bothered my partner was there. If anything they were all lovely and kept asking my partner how i was doing as I was the only one there without my baby and was in an awful state.

Until maternity wards are properly fit for purpose this is a pointless argument. Some will think men should be banned at all costs others will think they have no support from the nurses/midwives and/or went through a traumatic birth and need their partner there to get through. I don't think either is right or wrong, I think the current system is shocking.

Completely agree that there's some patronising "send the husband home, why can't you look after your own baby after birth". Equally I gave birth 10-15 years ago and the midwife helped, etc when there's very clearly not the situation now

With limited insight into why that's difficult for people.

I agree that ideally it would be all side rooms shoving multiple people with babies in a room with coming and goings all night isnt conducive to recovery for me, and other people could make their own choices. Equally there would be enough staff so they could support any complications that impact the ability to deal with your baby. It shouldn't be that every c-section for example means a mum has to lie listening to her baby cry waiting for help that might not be coming to pass her the baby.

However the reality of the situation is that the system isn't built that way. Until the whole structure of a hospital is changed where there's more side rooms, and appropriate staffing then mums have to do what's best. We can discuss it all we like but currently that's not the situation

We need to stop scoffing at mums who need support from their partners, because currently there isn't the help.

And you don't think you would have benefitted from him being with you if you'd otherwise got good childcare?
You don't think that his place, not knowing whether your child would die, was with you and near the baby?

Given you believe you've got a good husband, I find it hard to believe.

And before you get onto thin curtains and blocking the loo with their poos, it should absolutely be on a case by case basis, single rooms and strict rules adhered to or security involved.

I also really dislike the idea that women can only have a partner with them if they can afford it. The provision should be equally open to all women regardless of their means.

A big fat NAY from me!

I paid for a private room and even then my XH didn't stay, wasn't even considered.

I’m literally naming things the men did on the wards I was on. No stereotyping needed, just a first-person witness account of a ward where men continued their abuse of their wives.

Quite frankly I think it's horrendous that this is even a question.

I was extremely fortunate that my hospital had private rooms for all of the women - it was a maternity specialist hospital and there was no 'ward' as such - each woman laboured, gave birth and recovered in the privacy of their own room with their chosen birth partner. I never saw another woman or baby for both my labours and even during my lockdown birth my husband stayed with me throughout labour and postnatally. If I had been on a ward with other women with no privacy I wouldn't have coped and I would have left.

Whilst I'm fully aware that the costs implications and logistics of ensuring all women have access to that level of care and privacy that I was lucky enough to have automatically purely through a postcode lottery is not possible given the current state of the NHS, I think it's horrendous that not all women have the right to privacy and support during the most physically traumatic time in their lives.

I haven’t mentioned poo. Unsure where that has come from. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husband is a good husband. It’s not a matter of opinion. My other children were safe enough with their grandparents but I wanted them to be home in their beds with a parent. I assume you only have one child.

My baby screamed wanting to nurse for several hours the first two nights around 5am. I was literally unconscious, so oblivious. I never let my babies cry. My husband did his best to soothe her and got her to sleep eventually. Lucky he was there and lucky for everyone else too. No-one wants to hear that for hours at night.

Definitely not. Whilst we all want single sex wards we can't change our mind to suit us on maternity wards.

Exactly
The same day I had my EMCS and baby d taken to Nicu I was dumped in a four bed ward surrounded by babies. I hadn't seen mine!! My nct was in the same day, straight forward planned section, baby healthy and into a private room which incidentally she hated because she was C sec and shut away from help. There needs to be enough beds to first meet needs and then preferences.

Unless they could spare a nurse to take me up and down to my ill child on demand, I needed an adult with me.

Him sleeping outside the ward on the floor and buzzering the nurses when I wanted to go to NICU would surely have pissed more people off.

Of course not.

I just can’t believe the level of personal attack on this thread.

You don’t agree with me, sure. You think men belong on the ward, fine. But it’s a bit much for people to start calling me names and insulting my husband too.

If my husband is so terrible, it’s a jolly good thing he wasn’t on the post natal ward, I suppose.

This website is unbelievable. I haven’t been personally insulting to a single one of you.

I now have three. If the twins had been on the brink of death, his place would have been with us not at home.

We could have dealt with their older brother together.

I wouldn't have survived a bereavement like they on my own and he would have never got over being at home whilst our child died.

He didn't die, but bloody hell only by the Grace of modern medicine and amazing staff.

Ah and the poo thing often comes up on these threads, more as a coverall against men using women's loos when post birth toileting is hard enough. Thsts what visitor loos are for.

But I didn't insult your husband @CalpolDependant , I said you think he's a good one. As in o don't know him but you clearly think he's supportive so would help I na hospital not just watch loud football and peer around curtains like some women have experienced.

Don’t you understand that it was my personal choice to send my husband home to my other, terrified children? Is that any of your business? My baby and I were stable. My husband hadn’t slept for 32 hours. He’s not a bad person because you say he is.

And you are only being so unpleasant to try to drive me from discussing the actual topic here: I do not believe that men should be spending evenings in the PN ward with other women. I don’t like having my maternity pad, nipples and discharge checked with your husband sitting right there. No matter how much better he is that my husband. And no matter how much worse your birth was than mine.