Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

If your baby is critically ill they'd be in NICUnot the postnatal ward.
What should happen is better working conditions and more staff which is why they are striking. This isn't the role of the father. It's the role of the staff and it needs sorting.

You've missed my point.
I was responding to a poster who said that very involved fathers who do 50/50 care, including nights, should be allowed on post natal wards, because it would be unkind to them, not to allow them to stay.
Her justification for them being there was nothing to do with the needs of the mother and baby, and everything to do with his need to be with them.

@RecordsTurning sounds same as my experience. We didn't have a second but I was fully prepared to temporarily relocate if we did in order to access private maternity care, there is none in our area.

I was permitted to have my husband overnight for my last PN stay but I sent him home to care for our other children and get some proper rest. One of us needed to be operating on full. One of us needed to be able to drive our new baby home safely (we’re an hour from the hospital!) And, I didn’t want to be the woman on the ward invading with my husband. It wasn’t previously allowed, and I’d come to know PN ward as a women-only space.

As it transpired, I was the only one to send him home and all the other mums thought I was “doing it alone” (“you’re so brave”)

No, no. I do have a husband. He’s at home changing the bed, stocking the fridge and buying me flowers. Where yours should be!

PN wards are women-only spaces. Birth is over-medicalised and wholly female-focused, and on a personal level that can feel sucky. You want your husband to be as much a part of the experience as is possible. He’s your partner, your equal and the other parent. And I can’t imagine how weird it must feel as the bloke, to watch this life changing thing… and then go home and leave your wife and child behind for the night.
But it’s not personal, it’s just a thing. A woman thing. It’s (usually) just one night, over in the blink of an eye and a very small part of the entire child rearing experience.

My husband can’t grow and birth our children with his body and there’s little point in pretending that his role is as involved, in that sense. But when he takes me safely home and brings me that first cup of tea and says “The kids are in their PJs and I’ve sorted dinner.” It’s worth a thousand of what him sitting with me on the ward all bloody night is worth.

That’s my two cents.

So what would have happened if they were short staffed or an emergency occurred in another room when you needed those nurses to help? Are you OK with leaving your baby screaming for an hour because you can't get them safely and there's no one else around?

No. For loads of reasons but mainly because it's being used as a sticking plaster to cover up insufficient support staff on post-natal wards whilst actually increasing stress on the system.

Yeah, but if the baby is fine and the mother is critically ill, and the staff aren't available, you need someone. That was my husband. I had a private room due to the difficult birth, so no big deal.

I agree and was also told off for crying post complicated c section both. I was also told it was fine to let baby sleep on me or sleep next to me on the bed, I should sleep on my side post c section. I knew all this to be unsafe given how tired I was and so could not trust the staff. In all honesty it’s a miracle we didn’t die. I’m so frustrated by all these blithe comments here saying it’s a blanket no, when it really does depend on the situation.

@SweetStrawberry you're not listening to women who would feel uncomfortable why is your need more than theirs? Why aren't you focusing your anger on the government and their underfunding?
The help for vulnerable women should be provided by staff and in incidences where dads are needed to stay as side room should be provided.
If you just want the dad to stay because it make you happier then the option of paying for your the room should be available

This is exactly what I was worried about. It took two nurses half an hour for every blood transfusion they started. Guess how many nurses were covering the entire ward? Two. Dreadful and dangerous situation.

Sorry, I missed the previous comment. Agree "but we always do it all together" isn't a good enough reason.

@SleepingStandingUp I would have got to my baby, no question about it.

Maybe if people are so uncomfortable with the presence of other users, they can have home births, unless they are high risk of course. Makes as much sense as your suggestion women who can't get care within the hospital suck it up.

Hell no!

Better staffing, not unqualified unknown
blokes on the ward ‘looking after’ their partners.

Well that's just stupid. I couldn't sit up and picking up my baby would have been irresponsible and dangerous. I'd have passed out and collapsed. There was a reason I was in the hospital.

I gave birth late at night. The doctors found something seriously wrong with my son. I was transferred to the ward alone with no support, while he was sent home. Most isolating and frightening situation I've ever been in. I think in some cases it should be allowed. I'm still traumatised.

So numb from a C Section, cannula making your hands inflexible, catheter in you'd have just hopped out of bed and got him. Right, fair enough, you're clearly a superior specimen.

When my eldest was born 25 years ago I'd had a 48 hour labour ending in a forceps birth, and he was taken to the nursery for the night because I was was completely fucked. I guess they don't do that anymore. Would solve the problem for women that feel unable to care for their baby alone, and save vulnerable women being sat on the otherside of a curtain from someone else's snoring partner. Oh and it's a hard nay from me.

Absolutely not . Partners didn’t stay overnight when I had my children..never occurred to me .
A massive invasion of privacy .

General on these threads, women want their DH, but not the "DH" of the other 5 women in adjacent beds. We need more NHS staff, not family members stepping into their stead to care for family members, either in post-natal or other wards.

Big no from me. If you want the dc's father with you then you book and pay for a private side room. If you need the baby's father with you because you need additional support (c section, disability etc) then you should be given a side room. The maternity ward is a medical recovery and observation ward for women who have just gone through a massive medical event, and need privacy, dignity, respect and rest.

Yay from me. I’m having twins and a c-section, they are our first children. So far maternity / antenatal haven’t covered themselves in glory e.g. haven’t seen my midwife for 11 weeks (lm 27 weeks), only had a 4 minute phone conversation with my consultant -she didn’t show up for our last appointment and l had to involve PALS to get the next appointment arranged. I doubt it’s going to improve after birth! I’m sure it’s going to more of me fighting for the care we need and lots of short staffing. I’m not saying it’s right my husband has to do it -l have paid into the NHS, work them and allegedly lm entitled to the care. But on the flip side l doubt anyone wants to be next to me and 2 twins crying all night…

But l suppose my husband is a qualified nurse. Plus lm pretty sure he won’t be listening to videos on loud on his phone, monopolising toilets / baths, wearing inappropriate night wear etc. Even if he did, then l would nip them in the bud very quickly!

Congrats, you’ve just ripped your stitches open and are bleeding on the floor. You’re clearly a better mother.

Why is this thread so full of people judging other women’s experiences?

Five women in adjacent beds sounds like a nightmare by itself. I want privacy.