Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

Well there's a couple of issues that stand out.

The lack of maternity care in some hospitals - I was just left to get on with it with my second baby despite being the last CS of the day so I was still completely numb most of the night and couldn't get to my baby. No one would help.

Also the fact that some men are creepy, predatory, disgusting, loud, smelly, rude, entitled etc etc means I absolutely wouldn't want them anywhere near me if I was recovering from a birth.

I had a private room after my first birth because it was a traumatic experience and we both almost died. My DP was allowed to stay overnight with me and looked after us both so was useful and in no one's way. One thing I can't stand is men/visitors using patient toilets and this is something that really puts me off men being allowed to stay over. My DP didn't use the patient toilet (right outside my door) but a LOT of others did and the last thing I needed when I was bleeding heavily and could barely walk was someone 'beating' me to the door as they 'will be quick'. It was infuriating.

For my second birth I was on a ward. When it came to kicking out time there was one bloke that suddenly forgot how to speak English so couldn't understand he had to go home 🙄. Also a young girl who had her dad with her and he used to disappear just before kicking out time and then sneak back in. Obviously the rules only apply to some.
During the day it was the usual rude behaviour of watching tv loudly, eating loudly, arguing loudly with partner, spreading into other people's cubicles, staring at other patients, burping loudly, stinking of weed etc.

It was an awful experience and I would rather go without my DP being there at all than have to put up with other patients' partners behaving like pigs.

I say yay too. If it wasn't for my DH able to stay with me, my little one wouldn't have had any care from me. I had canulars in each hand and couldn't bend them. He changed all those first horrible nappies. The nurses don't have the time to do all the care, they are already stretched.

I do agree with a previous poster there should be wards for women who are or feel vulnerable though

Depends on the circumstances.

My second was really premature and I was in an absolute state, the hospital I gave birth in the midwives were frankly shit. Not being able to have my partner there would of been appalling.

@Theresahippopotamusonourroofeatingcake Bless you, I'm doubly glad you got the good experience if you didn't get it first time around!

It does seem bizarre that they make things so much more pleasant for women who've (overall) had easier births and are in hospital for a shorter period of time.

After a section, I was glad to have DH to help me through an awful first night with our DD. Staff are very busy, especially these days. The curtains give you privacy if you need it?

I didn't make it to the postnatal ward but spent several days on the induction ward. It was incredibly cramped and stressful and made SO MUCH WORSE by all the men hanging around all night. Very little privacy at one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Plus couples talking all night (I did eventually think to beg a midwife for earplugs which helped enormously). I sent my own husband home each night despite the fact that of course it would've been nice to have him there for company and reassurance. But felt there was little point in him hanging around also getting absolutely no sleep.

Twelve years ago I had DD by emergency c-section after four days of labour, at tea time. By the time we were ready for the ward the visiting hours were over so DH was not allowed on the ward. He was not even allowed to carry my bags and waited by the door while a midwife went back to collect them. The midwife then had to go through my bags every time I needed something or the baby needed changing. I was traumatised from the birth and I’m not sure it was helped by this situation. Other dad’s did find their way on to the ward over night, so it was clearly not a rule strictly stuck to.

I don’t think it’s an easy one, especially with the current staffing crisis.

But who decides who feels vulnerable enough?

I was crying and begging the midwives and in distress but they treated me like I was being precious and were so shocked when my blood pressure and temperature spiked meaning intravenous antibiotics for 5 days. If they had listened to me when I said I needed help, the outcome would’ve been better.

So who decided who is vulnerable when we have the current situation of limited staff and resources, like private rooms?

there are pros and cons. Personally? i don't want strange men around at that time but I'd probably be prepared to put up with it if they were respectful of people's needs over their own.

So many threads here of them watching videos with sound on, snoring, talking, using the facilities. Just fuck off with that. And if your DH or DP is one of those who was doing that? take a long hard look at yourself.

If the NHS maternity services were properly funded there would be no need and they could leave for the night. As it is, some people need help, so they have to stay. But they should be quiet.

No it isn't appropriate at all! What about the vulnerable women who may have been victims of abuse, or women who follow different religions etc.
I've never needed my DP to stay overnight after none of my births.
If you have additional needs etc surely this should be addressed prior to birth and a plan in place?

If you have additional needs etc surely this should be addressed prior to birth and a plan in place?

^^

This is one of the most naïve things I have ever read. Things can and do go wrong very quickly when giving birth. I had no idea my son was going to be premature until I got to the hospital in extreme pain and was fully dilated.

The loudly snoring idiots waking and keeping awake the mums and babies whilst the men got their beauty sleep was a fucking nightmare. The midwives flinging the curtains open and making you keep them open so you had no privacy from the men who caught glimpses of your bloody pads, exposed boobs and catheter. Fucking hated them being there.

What if the additional needs come from the birth experience or the post natal experience? At what point do you deserve a person that cares for you there?

I agree men should be there as caters not a seat fillers. But a vulnerable woman in need in the moment is just as important as the ones you have listed

Well, that's the thing isn't it? YOU never needed additional help. I sure did after my last birth when I couldn't look after myself or my baby. Lucky you to not need the help.

I planned my own situation. I had a homebirth, after which I was transferred. Luckily, this meant I got my own room. It also meant the short staffed nurses allowed my husband to stay, as long as he stayed in the room during the night.

Probably not bad anyway as I dare say some of the women may have found the sight of my treatment and the visiting of my other five kids somewhat disturbing.

Maybe you'll need help if you have another baby, then you'll be glad it's available to you.

You missed my point. Re-read the post I was responding to.

What plan can you put in place for twins and C section other than someone else helps? And hospitals can't just get I nan agency nurse to crash in my room all night.

What plan can you put in place for a baby unexpectedly coming out critically ill where everyone basically expected him to not survive?

Depends on need of mother and staffing levels.

I've had two c-sections at differnt hospitals. Neither allowed partners overnight, but the first was a terrible experience as they didn't have enough staff to offer decent support overnight. Still groggy from my c-section, catheta and canulas still in, I couldn't move off the bed and caring for a new born was very very hard. I was constanly worried about dropping her or falling asleep with her on me. I was in for 5 days and and one point I was told off for crying (I was exhausted and overwhelmed) because I couldn't get my baby to settle. I think it really took a toll on my mental health as a new mother.

The second hospital had enough staff to help and they were lovely and it worked well.

So, really it depends.

@SweetStrawberry oh ffs I'm on about mums who have additional needs as in a disability etc

My plan was to stay home and not go near a hospital. Unfortunately that didn't pan out so yay that my husband got to stay to look after me.

On but what about the other Mom's who need someone with them who don't have a disability?

@lifeinthehills were you there for my births? I don't think you were. I almost died after my first but the medical staff helped me when my partner wasn't there.

@supersonicginandtonic right...but that doesn't cover every scenario does it? Most people on here who have commented that having their DP there haven't mentioned a disability nor did most of us have the beauty of a heads up something was going to go wrong to put a plan in place

I know some women would feel uncomfortable so I’m not in favour due to that.

But the ‘care’ I received after having my babies was dreadful and having my partner there would have been amazing. The midwives were rude and seemed bordering on cruel at times. Many of the women were crying due to how they had been treated/spoken to/ignored by staff.

If my children ever have their own children, I will offer to pay for them/their partner to have their baby in a private hospital. I wouldn’t wish my experience on any new mum.

Yes this. I would also have liked my dh there but not others so i would prefer a no overnight policy.

Then it doesn't make sense that you said you didn't need help. I almost died and you bet I needed help for a few days. The staff weren't able to meet the need due to short staffing, so I got my husband. I planned to stay home after my home birth. Hospital was the last place I wanted to be.