Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

I can only assume some of these posters feel personally affronted that we don’t want their partners inches away from us in the middle of the night, at our most vulnerable.

And perhaps my sister’s experiences (which were repeated in similar veins for her subsequent two births), as well as the many experiences posted about on the many PN ward threads on here, are colouring my judgement.

Or perhaps it’s because I feel very strongly that if there’s one place men shouldn’t feel entitled to be, it’s in a ward of very recently postnatal women.

And perhaps @cupofdecaf’s idea is the answer.

Turn left for a ward with men on it, turn right for women-only.

I had a section and I know damn well which way I’d go.

➡️

Why are you ignoring the hard questions?

Yes
And she’s seemingly proud of it.

You can’t polish a turd though as they say so I’m not going to dwell on it

I’m not ignoring anything. I’m not obliged to answer ‘hard questions’. I had a section. I coped. I didn’t want unknown men around me.

I’m sharing my viewpoint. I’m not a Tory politician standing up at a hustings, being asked difficult questions about why they’ve fucked the NHS, nor a Labour one asking how they’d save it.

And as it goes, I suspect the only solution, while we have an incumbent Tory leadership, is giving women the choice of men, or no men. As I’ve previously said.

But you literally seem like you don't give a shit at all about people how had no support from the HCP and couldn't cope. I sat in piss soaked sheets for almost 40 minutes. How is that ok?

I support side rooms for partners or wards for and without. But until that happens then I don't know how anyone can be so heartless to say that women who need their partners their for support shouldn't get it

I ‘literally seem’ like I don’t give a shot about women? Have you even read my posts?

I had a section, and a haemorrhage and all during lockdown#1. I was vulnerable. Adding unknown men, many of whom don’t know how to behave around half-naked women, and I’d have felt a whole lot worse.

You seem to have had additional needs, they should have made more provision for you to have had a private space, in which a male or female partner would have been welcome as their presence wouldn’t have negatively impacted on anyone else.

You seem to think that by saying I don’t believe men should be on wards, I’m saying the system is fine and I don’t give a shit about women.

And if you truly believe that from what I’ve read, then I don’t think I can help you.

Where have I said you don't give a shit about women?

Have a little re-read of your posts and then come back to me. Maybe you'll realise why I came to that conclusion.

I'm going to have to back away from this thread now. The views of some where it comes to the disabled are appalling. I don't know why I'm surprised.

But I’ll say it again for you, one last time @AllThingsServeTheBeam, I suspect the current solution in the current climate is as @cupofdecaf said, a split space where women can choose whether they want men on the ward or not.

Because no woman is more important than another on a postnatal ward. Not you, not me. But men? No. They’re not important here.

And a woman should not be made to feel unsafe, exposed, threatened or uncomfortable by the presence of a strange man while at her most vulnerable. I maintain that.

In the interests of stopping you @-ing me, I would wholeheartedly support women being given choice. It seems the only attainable solution currently.

I short-handed your insinuation about me apparently not caring about women ‘not coping’, because it is literally only a women’s issue.

And you’d better not be aiming your ‘views of some where it comes to the disabled’ at me.

It is quite clear someone with additional physical needs should be catered for. No one would argue against that. Privacy and one-on-one care. If you didn’t receive that, request a copy of your birth notes and write to PALS and demand to know what happened.

Don’t suggest that your shit care and me saying I don’t believe men should be allowed overnight on postnatal wards amounts to me believing that disabled birthing mothers should be left swimming in piss and trying to cope without help. That’s deeply misrepresentative of what I’m saying and have said.

@BunchHarman what are you expecting these 'strange men' to do??

Absolutely not.

I had c sections and struggled with starting breastfeeding, I can remember the despair of having the only baby who cried all night and a woman in a neighbouring bed tutting at me! I hallucinated on the second night and on the third I remember crying when my dp had to leave the ward.

I still don't think men should be allowed to stay.

May I direct you to my earlier post about my sister’s experience, and to search threads for ‘postnatal ward’.

Not every man on a postnatal ward is going to behave inappropriately, but I’ve enough experience of them doing so to personally not want any around me. And sadly, you can’t always tell by looking at them which is which.

You sound scornful of women not wanting strange men around them. Take a minute to think about why that might be.

When our first was born, for a few days she needed syringes of colustrum running up to ICU every 2 hours. Her birth mum (my wife) was in a bad way with an infection, couldn't stand, go to loo, dress, and somehow found the energy to pump. I was the link between her in postnatal care and baby in ICu. Nurses and health care assistants were nowhere near numerous enough to help, plus it feels right that it is family helping with intimate care where possible. Our experience was not that partner is excess and mum can handle it alone overnight. My brother was not allowed in and his wife had an awful first night, unable to recover from epidural enough to move and nobody responding to buzzer or baby cries. texting my brother who was distressed at home but unable to help. Seems crazy not to allow partners to be there. They are a caring unit for mother and babies needs. But I can see some people need privacy from other people's partners too.

Absolutely not. Unfortunately most wards don't have enough maternity support workers to actually provide the care needed though, so I can understand why some women feels they need them there.

I’m pregnant atm and this attitude to men staying is what makes me really really want a home birth instead of the hospital. It’ll likely be the most traumatic thing (as well as hopefully the most wonderful) that ever happens to me and the thought of my partner being forced to just leave me very shortly after makes no sense to me when that’s prime new baby bonding time for him as well as me. Let alone all the physical help I may need as well as emotional.

@BunchHarman not at all, I'd be the first to make a fuss should someone be inappropriate on the ward and those who have shared stories of bad experiences are obviously completely valid.
I am not protective of men but i do feel these comments are tarring them all with the same brush which is unfair.

I have experienced both and it’s a hard no partners for me. As other women said, I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. So vulnerable having just given birth having a man a few foot away staring at me with my breast hanging out as I tried to establish feeding with me daughter. Couldn’t draw curtains as midwives wanted to observe me as I was also very poorly.

This.

Eceryone saying "men don't matter, no one cares how they feel", fine, but you're also ignoring people like and other posters who are telling you WE needed additional support. Because of our physical fitness. Because of our mental fitness. Because of the health of our babies.

So yes, absolutely stop men staying over just cos, but Ultimately it is a women's ward and the needs of all the women on their have to be taken into account. And that means no men staying overnight. actually means the needs of al l women who have the same needs as me no ALL women.

I'm currently pregnant with my first so have no experience of this but if they are allowed to stay, why wouldn't they? If it was the other way around I don't think I'd want to leave my newborn and husband overnight. I'm surprised more husbands don't stay if it's allowed!

FFS, read all the many posts I wrote to you in response to your accusations.

Weird. That’s your old post. I only just got notified of it. 🤷‍♀️

Have you not read any of the other posts on here??? Have a look and that may give you some insight as to why lots of women don't want men on the post natal ward.

@Princesspollyyy I have read a lot of the responses on here and I see why women wouldn't want them there. What I'm asking is why men shouldn't/wouldn't stay if they are allowed to. If my partner is allowed to stay over (I have no idea whether or not it is allowed) then he will be staying. I saw quite a few women on here say that they would like their own partners, just not everyone else's.