Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

At the end of the day it seems some women are able to manage better than others are. Some can manage to look after their babies after a section, some are not. Some are more needy than others, some are more emotionally needy than others, some are more entitled than others and there are some like those that are disabled who have no choice but to need help from others. The fact remains that years ago men were not allowed to stay no matter what the situation. everybody managed.
Anyone who has had a baby know what you see in a ward and a bathroom, women bleeding, waddling along with milk patches and huge pads, trying to shower and dress themselves. It's a place for women to be not men. I do not want to waddle past your very kindly and wonderful husband who may or may not be looking at me to go and change my sodden pad. I don't want to try get my child to latch on with a man opposite me. I don't want to hear booming male voices in the same room where I sleep. It is NOT a place for men to be. You OH could be God himself and still he should not be there at night.

No, you needed a midwife/health professional.

People are starting to believe that the only option is partners to do care. This shitty government are laughing at us for accepting this sub standard care, that were paying for, and then being convinced we should be carrying it out ourselves.

And that wasn't the case when I had my DC and isn't the case now in many cases

That's why I said the solution is adequate healthcare. If we're going to fight for anything it ought to be that rather men in our spaces. OR all private rooms.

That sounds horrendous, but what you (and every other woman) needed was caring staff, and enough of them. In your case a private room should have been available so your partner could stay if you wanted him to, but he shouldn't need to.

@afinishedkiss
Are those the only categories to tick? Too needy or entitled or post c section? Being unwell and needing support medical professionals can’t or won’t provide doesn’t count for anything??

I was in a private room. He was still sent away

No woman should be on a ward with other people when they have just given birth. If the norm was private rooms, as it should be, then we wouldn’t need to debate whether or not men should be there. The worst night of my life was on a busy maternity ward after giving birth.

This is absolutely ridiculous imo. The entitlement of some people who think dad's shouldn't be able to share precious moments with their family because THEY'RE uncomfortable! My ex partner stayed with me the entire hospital stay. I could barely getup by myself without assistance, he helped me shower, go to the toilet and looked after baby for the entire time, as I was in such a bad shape. I wouldn't want a stranger nurse helping me go to the loo and shower, I'd want my partner. If any woman complained saying she didn't feel comfortable with him there, I'd tell her to f* off and mind her business, I don't feel comfortable with him not being there! he's not bothering anyone or is interested in you, he's just looking after his wife and child after she just had a bloody traumatic birth.

This 👌🏻

@Pinkywoo yes obviously that’s what women need but the help isn’t there, the men are.

I suppose the question should be changed to:

If the government decided to push loads of funding into Maternity care and increased the number of midwives, healthcare assistants and infant feeding support staff, would you feel confident in staying in a hospital without a partner after your baby has been delivered? In my ward the call bell must be switched off quickly, apparently we are audited (I don’t know how they access this information) in my experience most call bells are answered immediately. The only case where it might be around 10 minutes is if the other staff members are on a break. I am so shocked that some posters have waited 1-2 hours for someone to come… This is really sad to think that mums might be calling because they need pain relief, need the toilet or have run out of water. To then be stuck in a bed, and have to wait an hour for any help.

Well that's shit, you shouldn't have had to go through that.

I refused to stay with DS2. I couldn't go through it again

I would say 90% yes but there should be private rooms for the exceptions. So if your care needs are beyond what even a good staffing ratio can accommodate, if your baby is critical, etc and those rooms should be ensuite. Then Dad's can basically be room-bound outside of visiting hours other than to access NICU.

I think being able to have them there is good but only in a private room. My DH didn't stay, didn't even consider that it was an option!
Second time there was a toddler to look after anyway, and in any case I discharged myself so I didn't have to stay overnight. It was SO noisy!

The reason this issue cannot be resolved is that the statements " some women need their partner to help with baby" and " some women are extremely distressed at being forced to share facilities with unknown men" are both true and valid statements.

More money and better facilities are needed so there can be a choice.

Well if my son had been born when my Mom was having babies he'd have likely died at birth so I guess that would solve the issue of needing someone with me go incoming from NICU late at night and early in the morning.

*Most women want single sexed spaces, especially in hospitals and it’s only a tiny amount of women who think men should be allowed on the wards.

Speak to any nurse or midwife and they will agree that men should not be staying overnight on a maternity ward.

It’s literally a few hours and most partners cannot help much anyway.

The majority of mothers can look after their own newborn baby which sleeps most of the time anyway for a few hours.

What about all of the women in this situation that have DCs at home how do you think they cope without their DH there?*

That doesn't answer the question of what the people who can't do it on their own for medical reasons are supposed to do. Even if most don't need help, some do.

It's very patronising to basically say "babies are easy, you don't need help". Babies wake at least every two hours needing care. Some women can't move/stay conscious after giving birth. People are telling you they couldn't do it without care that the hospital didn't provide. Why don't you believe them?

I would support there being separate areas for lone woman or women with partners. But I 100% support dad's stopping if required

why lone women/women without partners? the issue here is whether or not you are comfortable with men hanging around in very close proximity whilst you're bleeding heavily, exhausted, emotional, with your boobs out and feeling generally very vulnerable. You can still feel like that if you yourself have a husband or partner there with you.

I meant lone woman. A woman on her own. I didn't say single women.

Having men around to look after you isn't the solution. What do women that need help but don't have significant others do?
Complain that the help wasn't there, not that your husband wasn't there.

You want people to have endless sympathy for your desire to not maybe be looked at by someone's husbands, yet you view anyone who had a bad enough C Section to not be able to manage "entitled and needy".

The hypocrisy on this thread is astounding.

That's what gets me about this thread. Not the idea that men might not be allowed, but the endless discussion of how imperative "privacy and dignity" is paired with the complete lack of empathy for people who are stuck in a hospital unable to care for their newborn baby for whatever reason. Something that is, let's face it, more pressing than the need for privacy. I'm he lack of empathy for those people is staggering.

But I wouldn't have had need to complain if my DP was there. The help wasn't there and I wasn't allowed my DP there to help me either.

I don't necessarily mean you should have complained at the time, obviously it's unacceptable that you weren't supported!
I mean more hypothetically, if we're making hypothetical wishes and demands it should be for anything it should be for adequate healthcare where we don't need husband's to provide medical care.