Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

Although I don’t think men should be allowed on the ward at night, I would have found it very useful to have my partner there.

He could have given our baby to me and put them back in the cot after feeding as I could barely move after awful births with a catheter still in, changed the baby, went to get medication as midwives often didn’t bring it and ignored me buzzing, helped me change pads as again, I could barely move etc.

More than once the midwife came to ‘tell me off’ for not picking up my crying baby. I couldn’t manage to move to lift my baby so I buzzed and was ignored. Then I got ‘told off’ for keeping my baby in bed with me as I should put him in his cot after feeding. Well they knew I couldn’t fucking manage and ignored the buzzer so 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, these should be things the midwives help with not partners. Some of it was they were short staffed but others were just fucking evil.

Agree with you OP, after giving birth I felt very vulnerable and hell no to me sharing a bay with other women's partners!
There is a local hospital to me that does allow this and purely for this reason I didn't even look to give birth their.

As a women who has just giving birth, the baby and the women are patients in hospital.

Other patients in hospital who are in for a number of health issues do not have overnight visiting unless they have specific circumstances ie end of life, have learning difficulties etc.

Their presence prevents other mothers from bonding with their own babies because it inhibits breastfeeding and increases anxiety.

Besides, they can always take the baby to the men's bay for a cuddle and to give the mum a rest. There is absolutely no need for them to be loafing around a women's ward all night. They can bond somewhere else.

I strongly believe dads should be allowed o stay. I had a c section during the first lockdown and DH had to leave as I left recovery. I had one DT with me and one in nicu. I couldn’t see DT1 until the next day, when I had to walk (alone) and push the little cot thing with DT2 in, to try and feed DT1 in nicu every 2 hours. It was horrendous.

Well it is a strange question. Maybe they don't have other kids and have already bought everything they need? It's not exactly unlikely!

No. It never used to be allowed. Its a hospital not a hotel.

All the more reason for all partners to fuck off home overnight.

Your situation is a bit different though, and that doesn't mean all dads should get to stay for straightforward births where the mum can do everything for herself.

I had a straightforward waterbirth with all 3, and actually with my third I went home a couple of hours later. Didn't even see a bed let alone a ward.

With my first two I stayed just 1 night, but was able to get up and do everything myself. I would not have appreciated someone else's DH being in the chair just a curtain away no thanks.

@aSofaNearYou

It's not just purchasing stuff and looking after other children though. Surely there is other things for them to be doing? I would have thought they would be bored shitless sat in a lounge! 😂 Like waiting for a flight that never comes.

Well my DP was bored whenever he was sat around in the hospital, but it wasn't about him having fun. There was nothing he needed to be doing at home that was more important than helping me with DD.

But then you seem to have a pretty flippant attitude generally to the idea that a mother might need help.

Oh no, did someone suggest there might be a space in which women might be prioritised? That a man might feel he wasn't 'entitled' to? Quelle horreur.

No, men are not 'entitled' to be on a ward for women who have just given birth. It's not a holiday club, it's a hospital ward for women who are bleeding, with catheters, trying to breastfeed, in severe pain, etc. It's OK for women to be 'entitled' to that space and medical care.

As it was, my DH did have other things to do (do the school run, look after our 5yo) so he didn't stay overnight and hang around the hospital. But I had a fairly straightforward birth (although getting out of bed and fetching the baby was still difficult due to catheter/cannula). I imagine women would need more care.

It's also ok for there to be provision for those that need their partners there with them.

A man's "entitlement" to a few hours with his baby doesn't trump women's rights to recover in a secure environment.

Absolutely. My husband looked after our older DC when I was on the postnatal ward, so I had to manage on my own with the baby post-c-section.

Unfortunately the ward was crammed full of wankers who spent the entire time playing on their phones, watching football, chatting loudly, snoring, using the toilets on the ward, etc. We even had two male prison officers there as there was a female prisoner who gave birth and was in a private room at my end of the ward.

Because of all the men there roaming around, I didn't feel safe leaving my baby for even a few minutes, so had to take the baby with me every time i needed the toilet - bloody difficult when bleeding and in pain.

They really needed to fuck off. Women need peace and quiet to recover from giving birth, not a load of tossers leaving their Costa cups everywhere and stinking out the toilets.

No one 'needs' their partner with them. None of our mothers, grandmothers, etc. had their husbands glued to their side 24/7 when they were recovering from giving birth.

And fuck the disabled first time mum who couldn't even pick her baby up

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

So fuck everyone else instead because of one person who could be put in a private room?

1/4 women are in abusive relationships.

Many cases of abuse comes to light when women go to hospital.

Many pregnancies are the result of rapes.

There are thousands of peados in the UK.

Giving birth is physically and emotionally difficult and women shouldn’t have to feel extra pressure because the room is filled with double the people.

But yeah fuck the vast majority of women who want single sexed spaces overnight, as long as you and a couple of others are ok.

@Kabalagala sorry I forgot every man is a perverted misogynistic opportunist rapist.

I really, really struggled to lift up my newborn after a very difficult c-section and had to balance him on my shoulder every time I hobbled to the toilet. It was winter as well and bloody freezing

If the only people on the ward had been women who had just given birth, babies and medical staff, I wouldn't have had to take him with me.

I didn't have the option of having my husband hanging around me as he had to look after our other DC. The answer is not to let a load of blokes clog up the ward.

You don't understand safeguarding, do you?

Yes it is.

And the answer is no.

It's not really about them, though, is it?

If their partner needs help, they should just be glad that they can be on hand to provide it.

Large parts of parenting are boring because caring for others and putting their needs first is often quite tedious. Sitting around in case your postpartum wife or partner needs you is not really any different to a long wait in A&E to get your apparently perfectly healthy toddler checked out for concussion after a bump on the head. Tedious and dull but it come with the territory.

My mother was actually cared for though by midwives because there didn’t seem to be a shortage. My mother and MIL stayed in hospital for a few days as standard and got a lot of help. Now there’s just not enough midwives to give this care. I missed medication and me and my baby received inadequate care. I got told if I wanted food I’d have to walk to wear the toast was, I couldn’t walk and they knew that.

I still don’t think men should be on wards overnight though, I want proper care from midwives and I don’t want random shit/pervy dads on the wards overnight. It’s silly to compare it to years ago though as care seemed much better.

I'm a little bit on the fence with the question at this point.

I keep seeing the word "vulnerable" Now I'm going to be brutally honest and say I'm not sure I've ever felt "vulnerable" in the sense it seems to be used here. Like I don't think other men's presence would have scared me. Maybe annoying if they were being loud or oafish.

But if you do feel vulnerable, or shellshocked, or something after a birth, wouldn't having someone with you for the emotional support be good? I see all these comments about "what would a man DO" and, well, don't these people get any emotional support from their partners? Because it sure as hell won't be coming from the medical staff.

Just musing. As I said I'm on the fence but this doesn't seem to have been mentioned. A lot of focus on the physical.

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