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Original poster

To not want to get married before having children

105 replies

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:11

So me and my partner have been together now just shy of 10 years.

We have a house, both have good jobs. I recently announced my pregnancy, EDD May 2023.

I have had a few people question why we aren’t married and if we will be getting married before baby arrives.

I didn’t think not being married would be an issue but now I am starting to question myself?

I have never actually wanted to get married.
I have always believed that I could have children and live a happy life without being married.

Can anyone share their experiences with this? Were you married before children? I just feel quite judged…

OP posts:
SD1978 · 10/12/2022 09:15

It's your choice, obviously. I think many (previously burned) women look at the pay disparity that occurs post children- woman's career and pension takes a significant hit, and raiding kids is stressful for many relationships. Coming out the other side of a failed relationship, with only a part time (at best) usually career, decreased pension, and limited access to assets depending on what they are maybe makes some look a bit more pragmatically at marriage. After all (for me) if 'a bit of paper' doesn't matter to you, then why not have it since it's a bit if paper that can benefit you and the kid(s) if a relationship unfortunately does fail.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2022 09:18

Do you know all the legal differences? It takes a two second google. If you’re fully informed then crack on.

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 09:20

Do your research of the benefits of marriage (or civil partnership) vs non marriage and work out whats best for you as a family. Its not as straightforward as one being better. (For us, it was significantly better to be married, due to DHs job).

You don't need to have a wedding if you decide marriage is better legally. Just go to the Register office with two witnesses.

Fireyflies · 10/12/2022 09:20

You don't have to be married if you don't want to. I wasn't and once we had kids I felt it mattered very little that we weren't as people tended to see us as a family/unit anyway.

The only possible downside is that whoever takes time off to care for the children is making that financial sacrifice personally. Which doesn't matter at all if you stay together, whereas if you were married and then divorced the financial settlement would likely even things up a bit in favour of the person who lost income, especially if they also lost earning potential, which is why people will tell you it's better to be married.

I did go on to split up with the father of my children, but we'd both cared for them similarly overall so I never felt hard done by or that I lost out financially from being unmarried. I just felt it made the break up a little easier/less bad.

SueVineer · 10/12/2022 09:22

I wasn’t married and eventually broke up with my ex partner (fairly amicably). It was good for me because I didn’t want to get married and I had most assets (by quite a large margin). Not having to get divorced meant I could take my own assets and go without fuss. I’m now a single mum to two and able to provide for them.

it depends a lot on your personal circumstances whether or not you should get married. There are all sort of mumsnet myths about being married- eg that if allows you to make medical decisions for your spouse (it doesn’t) or that your spouse can’t will his property to someone else or give it away (he can).

Generally though on a break up, you can make a claim on the other parties assets and vice versa if married. That benefits the party with less assets or lower income which is often the woman but not always.

Afterfire · 10/12/2022 09:22

Who owns the house? Are you both on the mortgage? Marriage helps to protect your assets.

Overthebow · 10/12/2022 09:24

it depends on your situation really. If one of you is giving up work, or reducing hours to look after children then it is much better to be married for the protection.

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 09:25

Afterfire · 10/12/2022 09:22

Who owns the house? Are you both on the mortgage? Marriage helps to protect your assets.

We are both on the mortgage 50/50, another reason why I didn’t see much of an issue.

OP posts:
Fleabigg · 10/12/2022 09:26

For me it was because having children with someone is a far bigger commitment than getting married to them, so I definitely didn’t want to make one commitment until we’d had a go of making the other a success first. But that’s a personal view and not one I’d impose on others.

RudsyFarmer · 10/12/2022 09:32

Who is questioning why you aren’t married?

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/12/2022 09:33

Similar to @Fleabigg it didn't make sense to me to have a child or buy a house with someone, but somehow feel that signing a document of legal partnership was a bridge too far.

If we couldn't have afforded a wedding - and our's wasn't extragant - I'd have done it at the registry office. Had my husband been reluctant to even do that, I would not have stayed with him.

123woop · 10/12/2022 09:34

Oh god, tell them to bog off 😂 We aren't married either and THE CONSTANT QUESTIONS! It's really ramped up with each pregnancy too so beware for the future 🤣 And it's not from people I'd expect, ie parents. It's from my friends who are very liberal types who are shocked I am unmarried and a working mother.

That said, me and DP are very similar financially and it wouldn't benefit either of us to be married from that POV. And RE our children, we've already got an agreement in place what should happen if we were to separate, amicably or not!

Ncgirlseriously · 10/12/2022 09:36

If financially it won’t affect you too much I don’t see why not. I had my son after 10 years with my ex and we were engaged but not married (I have a condition which meant conceiving would be difficult- you can save years for a wedding but you can’t save up for a new uterus).

Obviously as he’s my ex it didn’t work out but it would have been worse for me if we HAD been married, so I have no regrets. (And not being married to him has caused exactly zero problems for me raising our son).

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 09:37

Mainly work colleagues actually! Been working since the age of 16, I currently work full time as a care coordinator for the NHS, partner is in a higher salary but not a significant amount more and house is in both names.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/12/2022 09:37

I would make sure you are aware of all the legal implications of not being married (or indeed a civil partnership if you dont want to get married) and what it means. There is no common law marriage in the UK, no automatic right to inherit etc.

Both marriage and a civil partnership are a legal contract so if you dont want to do either make sure you get everything sorted outside of that.

Overthebow · 10/12/2022 09:39

Are you planning on giving up work or going part time when the baby’s here?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 09:39

I'm more curious as to how the finances will work after the baby arrives, specifically if you then work reduced hours. How does the contribution from you both change, etc.

If you already pool money, and continue to do this after the baby arrives, great. But marriage binds legally and it just (for me) feels more like the finances will all become shared (the burdens and the gains).

sneezingpandamum · 10/12/2022 09:39

It's your choice but it's well documented being married gives you added protections in law

Being unmarried wasn't for me personally - I preferred to be a family unit legally as well as physically before having children. I wanted someone to commit to me....for me....not just because I was the mother of their child(ren)

Bizzyone · 10/12/2022 09:41

From what I can tell it mainly is about assets and income - if you both have assets and plan to continue working full time after kids then Im not sure what the benefits are if youre both happy then just crack on!

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 09:44

Definitely won’t be giving up work, I will continue to work once baby arrives.

OP posts:
SirSamVimesCityWatch · 10/12/2022 09:44

After you have children, the likelihood of your career and salary taking a hit while your partner's continues to grow, is significant. At the moment you are roughly equal assets but if in fifteen years you find out he's cheating on you, the lovely man you thought you knew by heart disappears and you end up in an nasty break up, the marriage contract would help you (and your kids) get a better deal.

If you don't marry but do have kids, don't allow yourself to fall behind him in earnings or pensions. Make a plan for going back to work full time early-ish and stick with it. If you don't want to have your child in full time childcare you both need to go part time, not just you. Don't take on every aspect of childcare responsibility and household maintenance and mental load during mat leave or it will be nigh impossible to split it fairly when you go back to work.

Go and read the relationships board for half an hour and don't assume it will never happen to you.

MintJulia · 10/12/2022 09:46

The basic reason is because it is usually the woman who takes time out of her career to manage childcare & school run, when dcs are sick, when school holidays need covering.

That limits her earnings potential and the amount she pays into her pension.

If, down the line, you split and are not married, you walk away with half the house but no career, no ability to pay a mortgage on your own and a pension in old age that wouldn't keep a church mouse. He leaves with his career intact and a well furnished pension. He is under no obligation to share because you aren't married. And if he walks away from his kids, CMS payments are a pittance.

I chose not to marry because I was a high earner, I owned my house outright and ex had children by a previous marriage that complicated matters. I loved ex but not his (adult) dcs and there was too much animosity on their part. It was better for me.

So it depends.

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 09:46

SueVineer · 10/12/2022 09:22

I wasn’t married and eventually broke up with my ex partner (fairly amicably). It was good for me because I didn’t want to get married and I had most assets (by quite a large margin). Not having to get divorced meant I could take my own assets and go without fuss. I’m now a single mum to two and able to provide for them.

it depends a lot on your personal circumstances whether or not you should get married. There are all sort of mumsnet myths about being married- eg that if allows you to make medical decisions for your spouse (it doesn’t) or that your spouse can’t will his property to someone else or give it away (he can).

Generally though on a break up, you can make a claim on the other parties assets and vice versa if married. That benefits the party with less assets or lower income which is often the woman but not always.

This.

I also had a lot of comments about getting married “for protection” when I got pregnant. DH was also very keen on marriage so I gave in.

wish I hadn’t. As I am stronger financially all it means is DH is now entitled to half my house (in my sole name), pensions, Isa’s etc should we split. He had children from a previous marriage so has never been able to save as every spare penny went to his ex, and she also kept the house and had remortgaged/cleared out the savings in preparation for the divorce (her affair).

if we weren’t married we could split, I’d keep living in my house with the kids, financially stable. Now we’re married I’d have to find the capital to “buy him out” and also his share of any other of my savings. Which would probably mean selling my house and downsizing.

Afterfire · 10/12/2022 09:47

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:44

Definitely won’t be giving up work, I will continue to work once baby arrives.

Well you don’t really know that yet. It’s good to assume you will but until you get there you don’t really know how you will feel or what kind of birth you might have or whether you might have complications (hopefully not but who knows). I planned to return to work - senior marketing manager - once I’d had my dd but I had a horrendous birth and suffered severe pnd afterwards and just wasn’t well enough to.

soupmaker · 10/12/2022 09:48

We bought a house and had DD1 without being married. Wasn't something either of us were that fussed about doing. At the time I had the better paying job, by some margin so I didn't ever feel I needed the financial security.

Fast forward 5 years. We got married. We'd seen how not being married had impacted on my friend when her partner was killed in a road accident. He'd also died intestate which made things much worse but just sorting out little things like his banking was a nightmare because she couldn't produce a marriage certificate.