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Original poster

To not want to get married before having children

105 replies

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:11

So me and my partner have been together now just shy of 10 years.

We have a house, both have good jobs. I recently announced my pregnancy, EDD May 2023.

I have had a few people question why we aren’t married and if we will be getting married before baby arrives.

I didn’t think not being married would be an issue but now I am starting to question myself?

I have never actually wanted to get married.
I have always believed that I could have children and live a happy life without being married.

Can anyone share their experiences with this? Were you married before children? I just feel quite judged…

OP posts:
BlueOysterCult · 10/12/2022 10:35

It's obviously totally your choice and do what you think is right for you, but marriage is a good insurance policy (you have one for every other part of your life - it makes sense to have one for your relationship!).
One if our of my friends are going through a breakup that have become very messy, despite them being extremely happy pre-kids - one of those couples I would've bet my house would have been together forever.

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 10:37

If something happened to DH at work, I'd get a widows pension from them. Unmarried its just the lump sum that goes to the person they nominate. It is worth looking at pensions and death in service benefits as this are employer specific.

BlueOysterCult · 10/12/2022 10:37

BlueOysterCult · 10/12/2022 10:35

It's obviously totally your choice and do what you think is right for you, but marriage is a good insurance policy (you have one for every other part of your life - it makes sense to have one for your relationship!).
One if our of my friends are going through a breakup that have become very messy, despite them being extremely happy pre-kids - one of those couples I would've bet my house would have been together forever.

Sorry posted too soon. She had various pregnancy related medical issues and moved to part time working and then didn't work at all. He has since left her and, apart from the money from the sold house (because she was on the mortgage) she has nothing. Marriage would've seriously protected her here x

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 10:38

If one of you dies, its possible (depending on value of the house) that you'll have to pay a big chunk of tax if you are not married.

Totally unfair to the single people I know who have invested in property together in order to afford it!

ThatEdgyFeeling · 10/12/2022 10:41

Whose surname will your child have? Another consideration

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 10:42

astronewt · 10/12/2022 10:23

All great. Until he walks out on you next week or next year, and it turns out his healthy pension is his and his only, and the paltry one you've amassed during all those years you were not working or working PT low paid jobs during your prime earning years is what you're going to have to live off.

Everyone thinks it won't happen to them.

Show quote history

Or alternatively you keep working and amass your own pension.

or at the very least if the decision is made for you to reduce earning pay into a private pension.

it’s not so much about thinking it won’t happen, but failing to plan finances properly. So many people think short term “oh my wages don’t cover childcare, I’ll be a sahm, we’ll be better off”. With no thought to retirement, kids leaving home or at school full time, if husband/partner becomes incapacitated or dies and can’t work…

my mum was married when my dad died. All fine with regard to house and his pension, but going forward she had no earning potential of her own.

so marriage doesn’t always provide for you, it just splits one income in half, and if anything happens to that income you have nothing, married or not.

which is why I never gave up work. If dh drops tomorrow, has an accident which means he can’t work, or simply loses his job, I can still provide for us all.

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 10:45

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 10:37

If something happened to DH at work, I'd get a widows pension from them. Unmarried its just the lump sum that goes to the person they nominate. It is worth looking at pensions and death in service benefits as this are employer specific.

If something happened to DH at work, I'd get a widows pension from them. Unmarried its just the lump sum that goes to the person they nominate. It is worth looking at pensions and death in service benefits as this are employer specific

it only goes to you if he doesn’t nominate anyone else. Nothing to stop him nominating someone else and leaving you out.

Whose surname will your child have? Another consideration

marriage makes no difference as to names. You can call a child whichever surname you want.

Galarunner · 10/12/2022 10:48

I think there are no real disadvantages to being married ( or civil partnership)and many advantages as laid out in the thread. There is no need to have a wedding or even tell anyone beyond your witnesses.

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 10:52

@Notanotherusername4321 that is literally the point. He can't nominate anyone else for the PENSION. Just the lump sum.

GalwayShawl · 10/12/2022 10:57

It’s naive at best. Go and look on the relationships board.

Having a child is a far greater commitment yes but you owe it to yourself to protect you and your child where you can. Marriage offers a certain protection - and is a fairly good acid test anyway - I wouldn’t have had children with somebody I didn’t want to marry. In fact we eloped to get it all sorted out before the (unplanned but very wanted) baby came.

ThatEdgyFeeling · 10/12/2022 10:57

I would not give my child my boyfriend's name. Only my husband's.

Calphurnia88 · 10/12/2022 10:58

Before and during pregnancy I was never for marriage. I love other people's weddings but the idea of having/planning one fills me with dread. As an adult I have always been financially independent, and I believe my relationship to be strong enough to not need 'a piece of paper.' My partner feels very much the same.

Now baby is here I feel... different. I still don't want the big white wedding, but since growing our family I feel as though I want the additional security of marriage. Its hard to explain why because it's happened so organically but it's probably a combination of lots of emotional, financial, social reasons.

borntobequiet · 10/12/2022 11:11

Elopement?
Just get hitched at the register office, a marriage or a civil partnership if you prefer, if you want.
As others have pointed out, you never know what’s down the line when you decide to have a child, and, as a woman, can be disadvantaged by it.

astronewt · 10/12/2022 11:15

As an adult I have always been financially independent

With due respect: it's a piece of piss being a financially independent adult when you're a woman with no DC. You try it when you have newborn twins, or a child with severe autism. Life happens and it doesn't give a shit what your plans were.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 11:24

I would not give my child my boyfriend's name. Only my husband's.

I'd only give it mine, either way.

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 11:26

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 10:52

@Notanotherusername4321 that is literally the point. He can't nominate anyone else for the PENSION. Just the lump sum.

my pension doesn’t work like that. It goes to whoever I nominate.

kikisparks · 10/12/2022 11:31

Do you both have a Will?

1994girl · 10/12/2022 11:37

Me and my partner aren't married, or engaged and have a 5 month old. Who cares?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 11:48

ThatEdgyFeeling · 10/12/2022 10:57

I would not give my child my boyfriend's name. Only my husband's.

Same.

Whatever my name is at the time of their birth is the surname they get. Whether that's my birth surname or the one I can choose to take when I marry.

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 11:49

ThatEdgyFeeling · 10/12/2022 10:57

I would not give my child my boyfriend's name. Only my husband's.

I'm not married and won't be getting married and our son has his dad's name. Nothing wrong with that

DaphneduM · 10/12/2022 11:50

@1994girl Have you read the whole thread? Why wouldn't you want to protect yourself and your child by being married? If your partner died you would run into considerable issues regarding the financials and pensions. Sorry - inform yourself - and be responsible.

Calphurnia88 · 10/12/2022 11:53

astronewt · 10/12/2022 11:15

As an adult I have always been financially independent

With due respect: it's a piece of piss being a financially independent adult when you're a woman with no DC. You try it when you have newborn twins, or a child with severe autism. Life happens and it doesn't give a shit what your plans were.

Did you read my full post?

I said my attitudes towards marriage have changed since having children.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 11:54

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 11:49

I'm not married and won't be getting married and our son has his dad's name. Nothing wrong with that

Show quote history

Can I ask why you gave your son his dad's surname rather than your own?

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 11:59

Because it was the right thing to do. You don't need to be married for them to have their dad's name. He has my name as a middle name

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 12:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 11:54

Can I ask why you gave your son his dad's surname rather than your own?

Show quote history

There’s entire threads (including a recent one) on this subject.

I did it because a woman with kids is more accepted and less likely to be questioned (airports, schools, hospitals etc) even if the name is different. A man with a different name is assumed to be stepdad at best, suspicious at worst. We have daughters- can you imagine a 50+ year old mr smith booking a hotel room for himself and 15 year old miss jones?