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Original poster

To not want to get married before having children

105 replies

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:11

So me and my partner have been together now just shy of 10 years.

We have a house, both have good jobs. I recently announced my pregnancy, EDD May 2023.

I have had a few people question why we aren’t married and if we will be getting married before baby arrives.

I didn’t think not being married would be an issue but now I am starting to question myself?

I have never actually wanted to get married.
I have always believed that I could have children and live a happy life without being married.

Can anyone share their experiences with this? Were you married before children? I just feel quite judged…

OP posts:
TaraRhu · 10/12/2022 09:49

What element are you under pressure from? Social expectations? Economic sense?

What does your partner want?
I was not remotely bothered about marriage but it was important to my partner. He also wanted things done I the 'right' order. Tbh I found it hard as I really didn't want to be a bride and no matter what people say they expect you to be a bride as soon as you say you are engaged.

But now I'm married I'm glad I am. It feels secure, perms and good for the kids.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 09:49

Mumsnet will urge you to get married but what really matters is that you do not give up your financial independence.

astronewt · 10/12/2022 09:50

Also consider what happens if your child should happen to be born with significant health problems or a disability that means they can't go to childcare or can only do very limited hours. Looks like one of you is going to have to stop working, oh, I wonder which of you it's going to be? Even just the early years of nursery when they're sick all the time, well, the man already earns more so it "makes sense" for the woman to take all the days off work with sick kids, and oh dear her boss isn't happy with that, so she cuts back her hours to try to make them more sustainable...

I'm not saying that marriage is the right thing for every couple; it isn't. But things change a lot after children and women end up financially disadvantaged in all kinds of ways they didn't expect when everything was rosy and working FT was a breeze. Just be very clear what the differences legally and financially are of being married and not being married and what happens in the event of a split, a death, serious illness. And protect your earning potential and pension if you opt not to marry.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 09:54

Looks like one of you is going to have to stop working, oh, I wonder which of you it's going to be? Even just the early years of nursery when they're sick all the time, well, the man already earns more so it "makes sense" for the woman to take all the days off work with sick kids, and oh dear her boss isn't happy with that, so she cuts back her hours to try to make them more sustainable...

That's the issue. Women should step up and make sure that it isn't them! Unless they want to be martyrs...

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 09:56

Also - a significant number of men waltz off to screw elsewhere when the child has a disability. Often the married woman is left in poverty because he does not pay enough and she has no independent income. Marriage does little to protect her.

Sidge · 10/12/2022 09:58

I didn’t realise how important marriage was for me until I got divorced.

Thank god we were married, as despite being financially and property equal having an unexpectedly ill and disabled baby caused large disparities.

None of us know what’s round the corner. For the vast majority of women marriage offers them protection legally and financially.

astronewt · 10/12/2022 09:59

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/12/2022 09:56

Also - a significant number of men waltz off to screw elsewhere when the child has a disability. Often the married woman is left in poverty because he does not pay enough and she has no independent income. Marriage does little to protect her.

At least she has a chance of a bigger chunk of the housing equity and some of his pension, if that happens (and presuming those assets exist). The court will recognise that her earning potential has been significantly long-term impaired. But I agree/acknowledge that caring for children with disabilities often leaves women in poverty, marriage or no.

Daniki · 10/12/2022 10:07

Similar to myself, I did get married NYE21 but I had an 8 month old at that stage.
Myself and my husband had been together 8 years when I got pregnant. I realised I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to have babies first. I had a pregnancy scare and when I realised I wasn't pregnant it made me realise HOW much I wanted children.
I used to think I wanted marriage first but really it make's absolutely no difference.
If you're in a stable relationship have a house and good jobs then why not 🤗
Plus it was so nice to have our son at our wedding!

TiaraBoo · 10/12/2022 10:10

You might not want to get married now, but definitely look it up as a previous poster said.
Good idea to keep ‘your’ pension and earning potential equal to his but also think about what you want to put in your will and if one of you dies, will the other have enough money to look after your child/ren AND pay inheritance tax etc.

TheMatriarchy · 10/12/2022 10:10

No woman truly understands how men and the system can screw you over until you have a baby. It's doesn't happen to all for sure. But the vulnerability is hard to explain until you're in that position. And if there is a problem with the birth or the baby, you could be left to take the financial fall all on your own. Marriage can provide a little protection, sometimes.

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 10:12

Congratulations!

Will you continue to work, or plan to be a SAHP?

IMO your ability to be financially independent and not financially disadvantaged by childbearing is at the heart of this decision wrt finances.

Everything else can be dealt with by careful Will writing, how you own your house (is it as Tenants In Common or Joint Tenants?) and understanding the implications of each. Also Life Insurance. If something terrible happened to your DP, what would happen wrt the house? How would you provide for your child? Same Q for him.

You can name each other Next of Kin regardless of marital status, as it isn’t a legally prescribed stays, whatever is often declared on MN. And will writing should go hand in hand with creating Power of Attorney, naming each other if that is what you want.

If you find marriage to be expedient, all things considered, but don’t like the trad association of marriage you can have a Civil Partnership.

Married or not you can change or not change your name, same for your DP. Give your baby your name, his name, both, a brand new or combined name.

Ignore ‘moral’ opinions. Your choice entirely. Are your family generally very conservative in thinking or religious?

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 10:15

Thank you everyone! One of the main reasons I didn’t want to get married was because I actually wouldn’t want anyone there. The thought of it stresses me out along with all the panning too. If we did get married I would probably have an elopement, something more casual. Definitely something I am going to consider.

OP posts:
NameIsBryceQuinlan · 10/12/2022 10:15

I wasn't married when we had our son, we were engaged and had been together for about 7 years at that point. I didn't have concerns about partner not supporting me financially when I had time off, he was very much "my money is your money"

We have since got married and I know I'm more protected as I don't work much as our turned out to have high care needs.

One thing, I didn't like that I have a different surname to my son. Looking forward to that changing

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 10/12/2022 10:15

We had two witnesses and no big wedding. Just low key

Velvian · 10/12/2022 10:16

Financial reasons. What have you planned for finances during Mat Leave? Will you be reducing your hours/not going for promotions? Will you share sick days?

Will you suffer health issues or injuries from pregnancy and birth? Will you be discrimated against/overlooked by your employer during ML or because you have a young child?

You don't really know the answers to the above yet, which is 1 good reason for marriage.

Your partner will not have parental responsibility until the baby is registered and you name him as the father. Whose last name will the baby have?

Gamerlady · 10/12/2022 10:17

I've been with my DP for 21 years and have no plans to marry .. we have two children and are very happy with our family.. we pool the money always have .. when I took time off work to raise our children( joint decision) .. I still had money to treat me / children.. we don't believe in his and hers it's ours.. a family pot.. do what's right for you .. we've also been asked the same question hundreds of times..

I've known couples that had been together a long time .. got married then split up ..

alakwa · 10/12/2022 10:18

Just seen your last message as I was typing. Remember a marriage does not need to equal a wedding.

If you decide to marry, you can just go and get married at the registry office with 2 witnesses if a wedding is not for you.

(We eloped, hotel provided witnesses)

caramac04 · 10/12/2022 10:18

Personally I wouldn’t have children until I was married. My kids are grown up and it was different then but when I married DH 2 we decided not to have children together but again, I’d have been married first had we had children.
I feel it gives more security financially and demonstrates emotional commitment too. I’m not one for a big wedding though.

ConnieTucker · 10/12/2022 10:21

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:44

Definitely won’t be giving up work, I will continue to work once baby arrives.

Are you continuing to work full time, paying into your pension, and sharing the parenting both physically and mentally equally, so that you can both continue to peruse your careers at an equal rate?

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 10:22

That’s the main thing that has been putting me off doing it, I don’t want a fuss and I don’t want a big wedding. I might look into elopement and go from there. I can’t deal with the stress of wedding planning! I’d want something small with just the two of us and the dog…

OP posts:
astronewt · 10/12/2022 10:23

Gamerlady · 10/12/2022 10:17

I've been with my DP for 21 years and have no plans to marry .. we have two children and are very happy with our family.. we pool the money always have .. when I took time off work to raise our children( joint decision) .. I still had money to treat me / children.. we don't believe in his and hers it's ours.. a family pot.. do what's right for you .. we've also been asked the same question hundreds of times..

I've known couples that had been together a long time .. got married then split up ..

All great. Until he walks out on you next week or next year, and it turns out his healthy pension is his and his only, and the paltry one you've amassed during all those years you were not working or working PT low paid jobs during your prime earning years is what you're going to have to live off.

Everyone thinks it won't happen to them.

bumpertobumper · 10/12/2022 10:24

Inheritance tax is a factor too.
If one of you dies, its possible (depending on value of the house) that you'll have to pay a big chunk of tax if you are not married.
Spouses don't pay IHT
Worst case scenario of course, but worth factoring in.

burnoutbabe · 10/12/2022 10:27

There is also the issue if one of you died. Easier if married, abs you are entitled as his wife (assuming no will) but much harder to fight if not married (would have to contest will /claim as a dependent)

Even stuff like who could make medical decisions? His parents potentially? (May or may not be an issue in uk but could be overseas)?

astronewt · 10/12/2022 10:30

bumpertobumper · 10/12/2022 10:24

Inheritance tax is a factor too.
If one of you dies, its possible (depending on value of the house) that you'll have to pay a big chunk of tax if you are not married.
Spouses don't pay IHT
Worst case scenario of course, but worth factoring in.

Yup. There's a reason why, when one half of an unmarried couple receives a terminal diagnosis, they very often include a wedding in what they do in the time remaining. There's also a reason why hospitals can and will arrange bedside weddings, if necessary. Marriage really matters in death, and it could come to any of us tomorrow.