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Original poster

To not want to get married before having children

105 replies

Surman · 10/12/2022 09:11

So me and my partner have been together now just shy of 10 years.

We have a house, both have good jobs. I recently announced my pregnancy, EDD May 2023.

I have had a few people question why we aren’t married and if we will be getting married before baby arrives.

I didn’t think not being married would be an issue but now I am starting to question myself?

I have never actually wanted to get married.
I have always believed that I could have children and live a happy life without being married.

Can anyone share their experiences with this? Were you married before children? I just feel quite judged…

OP posts:
Twizbe · 10/12/2022 12:01

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 11:59

Because it was the right thing to do. You don't need to be married for them to have their dad's name. He has my name as a middle name

Traditionally children take their mother's name.

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 12:05

Twizbe · 10/12/2022 12:01

Traditionally children take their mother's name.

Show quote history

you don’t have to follow tradition.
It’s not a legal rule…

traditionally you get married in white to demonstrate your virginity.
How many stick to that tradition?

NaturalBae · 10/12/2022 12:05

1994girl · 10/12/2022 11:37

Me and my partner aren't married, or engaged and have a 5 month old. Who cares?

Other people will care about your business and judge you accordingly lol. Ignore them, look up the facts and do whatever financially is in the best interests of you and your child/future children.

Bottom line, marriage is all about money.

I echo ‘Read the MN Relationship Boards’. You’ll soon learn why marriage is necessary for women with children who earn less money than their partners or for women who have children and earn nothing at all.

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 12:05

Twizbe · 10/12/2022 12:01

Traditionally children take their mother's name.

Show quote history

Well he got his dad's. No big deal

astronewt · 10/12/2022 12:19

Calphurnia88 · 10/12/2022 11:53

Did you read my full post?

I said my attitudes towards marriage have changed since having children.

Show quote history

I did. I wasn't responding to you so much as to the many, many women who haven't yet had DC who think "I'm financially independent, I don't need marriage". Financial independence is easy before DC. After DC... Maybe not. I am financially independent now post DC: I won't be having any more and mine are out of the costly early years and I've increased my skills and salary since having them. But all of that only happened because a) I had a genuinely 50:50 partner and b) I had the family and financial backup to have rock solid childcare and c) by pure luck, both of my children seem (so far) to be healthy and NT. And even then, I was not financially independent during my mat leaves. Not even close.

iloveorange · 10/12/2022 12:31

I got married at 24 weeks, just two witnesses at the registry. We had a very, very small party/wedding celebration a few weeks later with family.

Honestly, I'm glad we did. We were technically 'engaged' before pregnancy, meaning we had the appointment, but we also started TTC because the wedding was months away and we didn't want to wait that long.

Now I have been on maternity leave for 8 months, going back to work soon but part-time, and looking after baby in the afternoon (she'll be in nursery in the mornings). That wasn't my original plan, but nursery is expensive AND I don't want her to spend the entire day with non-parents. Of course I couldn't have predicted how I'd feel.

I also know of mums that have been badly impacted by childbirth and PND and are just not able to return to worn for the foreseeable future. The truth is, you don't know what's going to happen or if you'll be able to return to work if baby comes with complications.

Given the amount of threads I've seen here, I'd encourage you to do it. It doesn't need to be a wedding, but be smart. No marriage, no legal or financial obligations towards you if your partner decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

tabulahrasa · 10/12/2022 12:31

If either of you die before the birth is registered... it causes an issue.

You can’t put him on the birth certificate without going to court to prove the relationship and DNA tests.

If something happened to you during or after birth, not only would it have to go to court to prove he’s the father... he also wouldn’t be able to take the baby home until social workers had done that.

If you’re married you can add each other to the birth certificate even if it’s just one of you present and no issues with proving paternity.

caramac04 · 10/12/2022 12:34

ThatEdgyFeeling · 10/12/2022 10:57

I would not give my child my boyfriend's name. Only my husband's.

Completely agree

milawops · 10/12/2022 12:38

We have 2 kids and aren't married. The house is 50/50 and we have wills so covered when one of us dies. Our assets aren't worth enough to have inheritance tax be an issue. Maybe in the future if our assets grow enough for it to be a consideration we might get married but until then we are perfectly happy as we are.

Crazycatlady83 · 10/12/2022 12:44

Not getting married is fine....until it's not. And then you may be financially independent so it won't matter, you may not. You may be the higher earner or you may not. You may separate after 25 years + and the. moans there is no such thing as "common law marriage" and why shouldn't they have a share of their partners £££+ pension because you raised his kids etc.

Marriage is there to protect the vulnerable one in the relationship which often is the woman.

Justlovedogs · 10/12/2022 12:50

Surman · 10/12/2022 10:22

That’s the main thing that has been putting me off doing it, I don’t want a fuss and I don’t want a big wedding. I might look into elopement and go from there. I can’t deal with the stress of wedding planning! I’d want something small with just the two of us and the dog…

You don't need to elope. An ex-colleague of mine met his DW at the register office for an appointment at lunchtime. They each took a work colleague as a witness and went back to work after! No fuss, no bother.

NaturalBae · 10/12/2022 13:00

Justlovedogs · 10/12/2022 12:50

You don't need to elope. An ex-colleague of mine met his DW at the register office for an appointment at lunchtime. They each took a work colleague as a witness and went back to work after! No fuss, no bother.

Show quote history

Yep, no need for excuses about needing to save for a wedding. Loads of people do lunchtime at the Registry Office. Marriage Certificate signed = job’s done and no financial stress. Have a party with friends & family later, if that’s what you ‘both’ want.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 10/12/2022 13:06

We're not married
Together 11 years
2 kids mortgage
Share our money

Marriage isn't for us

cptartapp · 10/12/2022 13:10

Whatever you decide OP, as a woman with DC always plan for the worst case scenario. Men are far more likely to up and off when the going gets tough, and the vast vast majority don't take the DC with them, let alone do 50/50.
You might not think so now, but despite best intentions you will almost certainly make most of the sacrifices when baby comes along.
If marriage gives you a scrap more protection then it's worth it.

KickAssAngel · 10/12/2022 13:13

Even when women work full time their pay and promotion prospects take a nose dive.
The other thing to consider is whether you can guarantee that for the next 20 years, longer if you have more children, can you guarantee that your child won't have any significant illness. That they'll get into school where you can get them to and from school around your work hours. That you'll find the right childcare to fit around work. That childcare won't cost more than one of you earns. That you won't look at your newborn and sob at the thought of going to work.

It's incredibly difficult to keep 2 careers going and raise kids, even if you earn well and the kids are healthy. Do look into how to protect yourself and your financial position. If there are any problems in the future, your finances will be the main protection for your children, so do this as a part of being a great mum. It isn't selfish, it's protecting your child.

Notanotherusername4321 · 10/12/2022 13:22

KickAssAngel · 10/12/2022 13:13

Even when women work full time their pay and promotion prospects take a nose dive.
The other thing to consider is whether you can guarantee that for the next 20 years, longer if you have more children, can you guarantee that your child won't have any significant illness. That they'll get into school where you can get them to and from school around your work hours. That you'll find the right childcare to fit around work. That childcare won't cost more than one of you earns. That you won't look at your newborn and sob at the thought of going to work.

It's incredibly difficult to keep 2 careers going and raise kids, even if you earn well and the kids are healthy. Do look into how to protect yourself and your financial position. If there are any problems in the future, your finances will be the main protection for your children, so do this as a part of being a great mum. It isn't selfish, it's protecting your child.

It isn’t difficult if both partners take the load of sick days, nativity plays etc.

it is incredibly difficult to maintain two careers if it’s always the same one juggling work and kids.

dh had more of a fight than me because I’m a woman and if I asked to finish early, move a day or whatever because of the kids that was accepted. When dh asked he nearly always got “can’t your wife do it”.

same as it’s normal for school, nursery etc to ring mum first, even when told she’s performing brain surgery and dad is wfh.

that’s the kind of thing we need to fight against, and stop working women still being seen as main childcare, while men carry on the same.

we have both maintained careers by sharing the load, rather than me picking up all the childcare and my work suffering for it.

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 13:29

I think you would be totally mental not to get married before having children.

Original poster
Surman · 10/12/2022 14:47

Yes a lot of people have said that! I must be mental then

OP posts:
astronewt · 10/12/2022 14:51

I don't care whether people get married when they're having DC or not as long as they really understand the consequences of their decision, what is likely to happen down the line if things go tits up due to death/serious illness/disabled DC/relationship breakdown, and are prepared and look out for their own long term financial interests.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/12/2022 14:55

Surman · 10/12/2022 10:15

Thank you everyone! One of the main reasons I didn’t want to get married was because I actually wouldn’t want anyone there. The thought of it stresses me out along with all the panning too. If we did get married I would probably have an elopement, something more casual. Definitely something I am going to consider.

I don’t think you can ‘elope’ in the UK. A legal marriage requires bans or register office notification which takes a month before the ceremony. Your witnesses, I believe, now have to be supplied by you and swear that you are known to them and are who you say you are, in order to limit sham marriages.

of course you can have a very low key civil ceremony, and the only two people except the registrar who know are your two witnesses.

catc7 · 10/12/2022 16:08

Planned pregnancy and not married. Might get married or might not. It’s not a priority for us. Also have lots of friends with kids who are not married.

Baby will take his surname. My mum didn’t change her maiden name and it’s never bothered me or her having different names. In fact where my partner is from wives do not take their husbands names. Also my parents got married after me and my sister were born and that was over 30 years ago.

We both however earn the same and mortgage is 50/50 so that isn’t an issue. We will write up a will though. Don’t be scared into doing it if you don’t want to. And don’t let anyone judge you!

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2022 17:31

Look into a civil partnership just sign in front of a registrar and 2 witnesses and is £46 plus £11 for a certificate.

And cheap for what it automatically gives you

TiddleyWink · 10/12/2022 17:43

Even if you’re planning to go back to work full time, is he going to take half the parental leave?

Have you planned which half of all the nursery runs you will both do, and how you will alternate sick days, to enable both your careers to continue equally?

Do you independently own more financial assets than him?

If the answer to any of that is no, then yes you should get married.

Charl881 · 10/12/2022 22:17

Me and my partner aren’t married. We have one child and another on the way. The house is equally owned and we are level financially (I do work PT but by choice and I eat a higher salary so we actually end up equal). We have a will which I think is important and have also made sure we are each named as beneficiaries of pensions etc in the event of a death.

Threads like this do make me think twice but I don’t think I’ve been financially disadvanted in anyway since have DC so I don’t see how I would miss out on anything if we were to split. I imagine that very much depends on individual situations though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and do what’s right for your family, don’t be swayed by others.

FlamingJingleBells · 10/12/2022 22:22

Just book a registry office with 2 witnesses and get married so that you're legally protected.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/