Husband's response to my unexpected pregnancy...

[CD1107]

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant, this was unplanned and after I told my husband, his response to me was that he did not want another child. I responded by telling him that I disagreed and we may just have to agree to disagree at that point.

A week went by, in that week, I went to the doctor to look at all the options, including abortion, and the what to do if I was to continue with the pregnancy. There was lots of tears, lots of questions going through my head. I knew in my heart that I did not want to terminate this pregnancy, I just could not bring myself to do this as we really didn't have a real reason to not be able to raise another child together, my husband doesn't want the inconvenience as we already have a 11 and a 12 year old.

I decided that I had to be honest and tell him that I was not able to go through with an abortion. I told him I had been crying about it all week. I told him that even if he got angry with me, he deserved to hear the truth, to avoid any assumptions of what my intentions are, and that I was not able to make that sort of compromise for the sake of peace keeping. To my surprise, he just listened and did not argue with me. I made clear that I was happy to give him more time and space that he needed to take it all in. And then I changed the subject.

It's been another week now, we are both happy but he seems to avoid any conversation regarding the pregnancy. I'm trying to share a little more with him, and even invited him to join me to meet my midwife tomorrow. He said he might be able to join me, depending on his work schedule.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation, where your partner is completely normal but just seems to avoid talking about the pregnancy? My husband doesn't get upset when I talk about it, but he just listens and doesn't give me much of a response either. Why do men respond like this? Is he still in shock? Will he eventually come around?

What response do you want from him? He didn’t want enough another child. You said you would not terminate. So he had 2 choices accept it or leave. Sounds like he’s decided he just has to except it,. He’s probably still not happy, but what’s the point telling you that? Surely it’s better he just gets on with it quietly.

What contraception were you using? Perhaps he feels very let down. Sounds like he clearly does not want another child, which is not an unreasonable position . I'm not sure you can just "come round" after a week or so. It's a massive life changing deal and you've given him no choice in the matter but to accept or go

Yes what is it you expect from him if he said he didn’t want it and you went ahead anyway? He’s obviously decided to accept that you want to keep it but doesn’t want to get really involved. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him about what happens when the baby is here and if he wants to be properly involved or not. Then you can make a proper decision about what you want to do and accept that you may end up raising the baby without much help from him.

I haven't been in this situation but have read other women on here describing this in the past; it's entirely possible he will remain disengaged until you actually have the baby, but that doesn't mean that he won't come around at that stage.
Best of luck with your pregnancy OP.

I think it's a little unfair to expect him to go from wanting an abortion to excited about a baby in a short period of time. It sounds like what you actually want is reassurance from him that you've made the right choice. Probably best to accept both of you are reacting entirely reasonably even if totally differently and give yourselves a bit more time to get back on the same page.

Yes I'd get prepared for him to leave when the baby comes, if I were you.

He's probably thinking about his options i.e. leaving. If I didn't want another child and had no say in the matter then no way would I have come round either, or been all positive. Tricky thing is if he leaves, he is still responsible for another child he doesn't want.

You can't expect him to do a complete u-turn. He's accepted and respected your decision. Give him time.

I can understand why he does not want another child. You have a 11 and 12 year old. You are just about at that stage where you can get out and do things you could not do previously and maybe have more time for yourselves. This will impact everyone in a big way and restrict choices, not to mention he may be worried about the short and long term financial burden.

It will take a lot more than a week to come around to your way of thinking.

He’s accepted that it’s your body and your choice. That doesn’t mean he has to like the choice you made.

Not all marriages survive this sort of breach. He may leave, but he’s got your 11yo to consider. You’re unrealistic to think he will just come around to it over a fortnight.

My husband was not happy about our accidental 3rd pregnancy and was actually quite depressed for a few months. It was very difficult and I had never seen him like that before. Nor since, gradually he got more interested in the pregnancy and had to step up with the older 2 as I wasn't particularly well throughout. By the time DC3 was born he was delighted and we are a fab family of five now all nearly grown up.
So I would give your husband some space to get used to the idea but also hold your boundaries firm, he's entitled to feel as he does but not to treat you badly as a consequence.
Congratulations by the way, we really cannot imagine our family without DC3 in it.

Do you really want to bring a new life into this world, knowing its father doesn't want it?

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it's incredibly difficult as I don't want to hurt my husband, but also don't want to kill our baby knowing that there is still a chance we can make this work.

I'm happy to give him more time, I just wish I could read him a little better that's all. Thank you for your kind words x

I'm not sure that there is the happy outcome you'd like, especially not after a few weeks.

We have a 1 and a 3 year old and our relationship is just on hold at the minute. I'd love another, but there are about 50 reasons why it would probably distroy our relationship. We're exhausted, touched out and missing being able to do anything as a couple. I just can't imagine doing all this again when the kids are a bit older and we'll have a bit of ourselves back.

If someone told me I'd have to go through sleepless nights, nappy changing, life revolving around nap times, baby proofing, holidays not being anything like a holiday, etc, again, I would find it very very difficult to be positive. And that's with my feeling that I actually would really like another! But I'm pretty certain it would be at the expense of my relationship.

I absolutely understand that you won't consider an abortion, as I think I'd feel the same. But sadly, I don't think you can expect your husband to be on board with this. Best case, he'll be happy once the baby is here. Worst case, either this splits you up, or your husband's resentment will build with every sleepless night and every time having another baby impacts negatively on your lives.

@queenofthecables a very wise response!

Some really unfair comments on here. People insinuating that you let him down by getting pregnant. You had a contraceptive failure, if you have sex - pregnancy is always an option. So your husband is equally as responsible.

If he left you he would be a total sh@t.

It might not be ideal, but I think he just needs time and space to get used to the idea. Give him that. Don't force the issue and keep it quiet.

Congratulations. I'm sure this baby will bring joy - no matter what it feels like now. My husband is the baby of the family - with 10 and -15 years between him and his siblings. They adore him!

What contraception were you using? How old are you both? What is your financial situation?

kill our baby

I don’t feel particularly comfortable with this sort of emotive language when talking about a healthcare procedure like abortion.

She's not talking about your baby or your body or your healthcare procedure. She's talking about how she feels about her specific situation.

Agree with this.

I didn’t say she was. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with the language.

It is true that the man’s experience in this situation is totally different from the woman’s. It is your choice, as it’s your body and has to be up to you. If you can’t bring yourself to terminate that has to be respected (i think I would be the same), and if you want to terminate that should be your choice too IMO. But that does mean the man is faced with having another child, or not, that is his child, being not in his hands and I can imagine that must be hard. He has respected your decision which is what he should do but I can see it must be tough - though the right thing IMO - to have no choice. (Especially as men, even nice men, are generally not used to being powerless.)

Of course this is a risk men take when they have sex with a woman and they should always be aware of that, that they are potentially putting the woman in the situation where she’ll be deciding that. But I do kind of feel for him - and he isn’t obliged to find it easy.

Time may help as PPs have described. For you, do you have friends or family to talk to about the pregnancy who might be more positive?

Are you confused about what an abortion is?

This. I can totally understand his reluctance.

Yeah, I don't have much time for the posters handwringing for the husband. Presumably, he is an adult who understands that pregnancy is a possible consequence of sex. Presumably, if a pregnancy was utterly off the table for him, he would have taken serious steps to avoid it. Too late now, he doesn't get to coerce OP with stroppy behaviour.

Congratulations on your pregnancy @CD1107 , I hope he comes around soon.

Apologies if my use of language made anyone uncomfortable. I mean no disrespect towards anyone that chooses to have an abortion, my selection of words is only a reference to how I am personally feeling right now in my situation and mine only.