Can I stop my contractions for a few hours?

[DesperatelyDue]

Hi night owls. I realise this sounds completely bat shit crazy but hear me out. (And don’t be mean, I’m truly desperate)

I‘m 77 hours into an excruciating latent labour. My contractions have ramped up to pain the likes of which I have never actually felt before. But they remain 5 minutes apart and the hospital have told me I will absolutely be turned away until I’m 3 in 10. (I have phoned back twice more to beg for help but the midwives are steadfast)

Every day, up until today, the contractions have stopped for 3-4 hours in the afternoon and given me a chance to eat without vomiting and get a few hours of much needed sleep. But not today!

I’m exhausted and really emotional. I can’t do much of anything because I have to stop every 5 minutes and get onto my knees.

So, my crazy question is… has anyone been in this situation before? And can you recommend anything that would encourage a break in contractions for a while? Thank you.

Thank god things ended OK in the end OP, well not OK but could have ended worse. I'm sorry its been terrible for you. I hope you recover quickly and congratulations on your beautiful daughter

Congratulations! Take time to recover and lean on your family for support

I’m really sorry that happened to you. I’m not sure in your situation I would do a debrief. I think, once you feel able, I’d write down all of the details that you can remember in a timeline and then consider making an official complaint.

Congratulations, been thinking of you x take all the help you can get. Try not to rush things. Love for your little one is there, just takes a while to feel it as you are numb at the moment, you have done an amazing job. Take care of yourself xx

I was in tears when I read you message. Then angry and relieved at the same time. It is still happening in 2022. Women are not listened to. Be proud of yourself, you stood your ground and you are alive and well. Congratulation on your little miracle. Big hugs OP.

Oh dear, I cried reading your update. You and your baby are true fighters. It's totally natural to feel blue after such traumatic experience, but it will not last forever. Just get all the help you can and take it one step at a time. I hope only good things happen to you and your precious baby. ❤️

I'm so glad you're both ok and so sorry about what happened to you. It should never have come to that.

My birth experience was extremely traumatic in a different way and I didn't get any help or tell anyone I was struggling. I was only nineteen and just tried to get through each day. I didn't know that it wasn't supposed to be like that. I will tell you that, fourteen years down the line, nobody would ever know that I struggled to bond with him. I don't think about his birth unless it comes up in conversation. It doesn't have any kind of hold over me anymore. Of course, it's a sad thing to think about, but I don't have any of those emotions linked to it anymore. You won't always feel this way. Take some time to recover and regain your strength and then decide from there what you'd like to do.

You should be so proud of yourself for forcing them to help you. It's hard to stand up to medical professionals when you don't have a clue and they're supposed to be the experts but you were right and you've already shown that you have excellent mothering instincts.

The first few days of motherhood have been really effing hard.

My milk didn’t come in until day 5! Baby just crying and crying and crying constantly because she was so hungry. Eventually, I just accepted my failings and gave her a bottle. She fell asleep within minutes of finishing it and slept for 2.5 hours.
I’ve stopped feeding her from my breasts but I am pumping now. I pump every time she feeds and get just an ounce between both breasts. She has this ounce at her next feed and then I top her up with formula. It’s both exhausting and depressing.

Speaking of exhaustion… I’m not hearing her wake up at night. My husband is but I’m just totally zonked out. I’ve never been a light sleeper in my life. Unsure why my body has picked now to start.

My husband is so good at everything and I feel like such a failure as a woman and mother. He seems to pick up on all of her cues and anticipate all of her needs much better than I do. He’s doing the bulk of the work and they just seem to fit together like this adorable dream team. By contrast, when I’m holding her and feeding her, I feel awkward and like some kind of imposter. I’m absolutely convinced my daughter knows I’m phoning it in. I’m also dreading his paternity leave ending. I’m going to miss him so much and I’m not sure I can hold down the fort without him.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares too.

Sorry for the brain dump, just feel like offloading.

One other thing, so any fellow Section Sisters: my pain had improved a lot. But now my dressing has been removed (yesterday) the pain seems to have increased again. Is this normal?

xox

Oh you poor love. You've been through a horrific experience. Of course you're not yourself! Don't feel guilty about it, just rest & be kind to yourself. As for your husband- he's your partner, that's what paternity leave is for! You would do it for him if he'd had a serious medical emergency.

Maybe you could try a Babymoon (I think that's what it's called?) Just stay in bed with your little one and snuggle and feed, do loads of skin to skin. Put her to your breast even for a little while before each feed.

I had perfectly average births and I felt shocked and traumatized in the aftermath. Everyone's first birth is hard and yours was especially so. I think we're all sold a pup wrt childbirth and early motherhood. I've had so many conversations with my friends and sisters - all along the lines of 'what have we done! This is really hard!' It's perfectly normal. You're doing great.

Xxxx and (((hugs)))

Sorry I can't help with c-section questions but can help with breastfeeding - milk coming in on day 5 is absolutely normal, and not a failure of yours at all. This can be related to the c-section or birth trauma in general. It happened to me with DS2 and I didn't have a section. It's OK to top up in the short term and you should be able to get supply up if you want to. Getting an ounce between both breasts is also brilliant!! I only used to get about 5ml so 30ml is really a lot. If you want to keep going with the pumping, you'll probably find that it increases relatively quickly. Alternatively it sounds like you have plenty of milk if you wanted to try feeding directly. But it's completely up to you - if you feel bottle feeding is the easier/better option for you then drop the guilt and go for it. If you want to breastfeed because it feels better to you then you might need to push for support (UK support is unfortunately a bit hit and miss).

How much formula is she having currently? This should be relatively small amounts as she is so little, and if you do want to protect breastfeeding I found it really helpful to look up the paced feeding technique and make sure I was doing this (but if that is just another thing to take on and you can't face it, then don't worry - it's really not that big of a deal.)

@DesperatelyDue your pain may increase if you move around a lot (things like lifting up a baby included). Just take it easy as much as you can.
Before I gave birth, my midwife told me to hire help around house. She said that raising up children is not a sprint, but a marathon. There's no need to push yourself to be able to do everything alone from the start, let husband/family/friends help. You'll just tire yourself which will in the end affect all the family in a bad way, let your body (and your soul) heal instead after bringing a child to this world. You did an incredible thing. You won a tough fight.
You don't need to be a "perfect mother". You don't need to feel bad that your husband is doing the "bulk of the work". You are already an amazing, caring, strong and brave mother. Give yourself a break.
Postpartum hormones make us think all sorts of crazy things, I know it oh too well. One day you'll look back and feel puzzled you felt this way you feel now. It will all pass.

Is there anybody else who can help you once your husband's leave is over? Hiring somebody to help you is also a good idea. Sometimes just simple chatting to another adult person can make you feel more positive.

Do you want to breastfeed?

i wouldn’t wish pumping on anyone, it’s the worst of both worlds. Takes twice as long, all the bottle faff, and it’s not really maintainable.

if you aren’t bothered about bf, ditch it now and switch to formula full time.

if you want to bf I’d do as pp has said, take to bed or the sofa and just leave her on the breast as much as possible. I sat with my phone and box sets and she just fed on and off all day. I didn’t even bother unlatching, she’d stir, feed a bit, doze…the key to establishing bf is to feed, feed, feed. It’ll be constant in the early days so don’t worry about routine.

another plus is taking to the sofa will get you some much needed rest.

Don't move, you are supposed to stay in bed for the first 5 days. You space will get bigger and bigger with time. You basically move around it and that's it. Rest. Your husband is doing what dad's do. This is not a movie, it's real life. You are both doing well. The milk can be miserly at the beginning, and then it will outburst like nobody's business. Persevere if this is what you want to do. All the best OP.

@DesperatelyDue oh you could be me almost 5 years ago. I was frightened to change and dress mine as she seemed so tiny and delicate (at 9lb3 😂) and my husband was so natural with her.
It isn’t easy, and you’re doing great.

That you’re able to express milk is great, if you’re wanting to breastfeed I’d still try latching directly for some feeds.
Does your area have feeding drop-ins? They’re usually run by the health visitors and I found them really helpful for advice and just for seeing a friendly face.

Don’t worry too much about not waking right now, as long as your husband is then baby will be fine. You’ve had a difficult couple of weeks and your body needs to rest and heal, so let DH look after both of you. I did find I had very vivid dreams for a while, I think it’s the sleep interruption, lots of REM and not a lot of deep sleep.

With the pain - Are you taking painkillers? (Barring medical issues etc) You can take paracetamol and ibuprofen together, just don’t go over the max daily doses. I set up alarms so I was taking paracetamol at 6am, noon, 6pm and midnight, then ibuprofen at 7am, 3pm and 11pm. They work better if you keep taking them on a schedule to keep them in your system instead of letting the pain start and then taking them. Also, take your lactulose and eat fibre - flapjack and dried fruit are good. The last thing you need right now is constipation.
I needed painkillers for about 10 days post section, and mine was planned so you might need them longer.

I wish I knew you IRL and you were local, the early days of motherhood were lonely and hard for me and I hate to think of any other new mums feeling like that too.

No, I don’t want to breastfeed anymore. A couple of days ago, I said this out loud to husband, when he was bringing her to me to feed. It felt liberating just to say it out loud.

When I was pregnant, I focused a lot of my thoughts on breastfeeding. I was excited for it. I imagined my daughter would be keen too.
After the birth, we were separated for 3 hours while they tried to fix me up. Our first “skin-to-skin” was all this time later and I was dazed. The midwife that appeared to help me was kind but clearly in a rush. She didn’t give us any time to just snuggle and went ahead and latched baby for me. It took ages to get the latch. Once it was achieved the midwife said that was her bit done and they wheeled me off to recovery.
So, from the very beginning it was just a rushed, tear filled thing for us both.
By the time I announced to husband that I wouldn’t be doing it anymore, I was dreading feeds. I mean, they were making me feel anxious, angry, upset… not one good emotion.

All that said, I am obsessed with getting my breast milk into her by any means. So I am pumping relentlessly and combining it with the formula. The ratio is probably about 1:1 at the moment. But I’m actively working to increase my supply. It is happening, slowly.

If my supply catches up with demand, I might reconsider EBF. If it does not, I will end the pumping after 6 weeks and then she will be EFF until she weans.

I know this is not ideal, but I’m considering that I may have PTSD and the breastfeeding is a huge trigger.

Thanks for chatting to me ladies, it is very nice of you all.xxx

I completely understand. The pressure I put on myself to breastfeed definitely contributed to my poor mental health in the early months. I applaud you for knowing where to draw the line, and I’m so sorry your first moments with your girl weren’t handled more sensitively.

Bless you , you've had a really tough time and from my experience - 2 very different but tough births - the aftercare is sadly lacking as they are so short staffed.

I struggled with breastfeeding with my first and gave up at 6 weeks which was the right thing to do as she thrived after that. I felt like a failure too but looking back I wasn't, I did the right thing for me and my baby.

My second was in ncu for a month so I pumped at home and then took it in . I carried that on for 8 weeks but with a toddler and newborn it was impossible to fit in.

They both went to formula and have thrived and are excelling academically and in their hobbies. I felt like the worst mum surrounded by the ebf naturals - but it just wasn't for us.

So what I'm saying is please don't put yourself under any pressure. Do what feels right for you and give yourself time. It will all come in time and you'll be out of the crazy first weeks haze soon . Big hugs and solidarity !

Oh @DesperatelyDue, you poor poor woman. When you are able to do this, I strongly recommend writing down everything that happened and sending it to your hospital's PALS team. They must must be forced to review how they treated you to ensure they learn from it. I did this with my last birth, which while difficult was not as bloody hard as yours, and had a good conversation with the lead midwife who had taken the time to investigate each of my complaints. She offered me a referral to a post birth clinic if I felt I needed counselling but for me that conversation was enough. You may not feel up to this yet, but even if it's six months down the line it would be worth doing.
For now, I wish you all luck and love in bonding with your baby and working out if BF or combo feeding is best for you, as well as much healing xoxo

You do what is right for you and the baby and yes you probably could do with discussing your birth experience with someone once you're recovered. I had something similar 28 years ago with waters breaking early, 3 days labour, failed induction leading to EMCS and haemorrhage, my DD was stuck fast (face presentation) and she would never have come out "naturally". It was bloody horrible and took me years to come to terms with. She wasn't great at breastfeeding either, she must have been exhausted too.

At least I wasn't gaslighted by midwives, I can't imagine how awful that must have been, thank goodness you stood your ground at the hospital.
Just do what's right for you. I hope you feel better soon and make a good recovery. Phone them if you're in any doubt and don't take any shit from them although after what you've been through I doubt you and your DH would.

OP I'm sorry sorry for your experience, but relieved your daughter is well. Please do report to PALS, it may save another baby's life in future. Also, please speak to either your community midwives or health visitor (whoever is still seeing you) about your mental health. It is tough with a newborn at the best of time, but I cannot even begin to imagine how exhausted you must be. Pumping is tough too, so try to take it easy and rest up as much as you can.

Please give yourself a break OP, you have had such an utterly ghastly time. No need to pump if you don't want to, your new daughter will be just fine either way. I managed 10 days and found the whole thing utterly repellent but that was nearly 40 years ago and nobody told me about D-MER though maybe it wasn't known about that long ago...
Please take every advantage of your DH being ready, willing and able to do the bulk of parenting right now, your body has had such a huge shock and you will need a while longer to feel back to normal, but you will, try not to worry about that. I only got that instant bonding thing with one of my 3, with the other two it took a couple of weeks. Guess what? I adore all 3 equally all these years later!

Just seen this on active. I'm glad it turned out ok in the end and it is absolutely rubbish that it almost didn't.

I'd really recommend doing a post birth debrief when you're ready to talk it through, or speak to a therapist. The loss of control in childbirth is something I struggled with for years and really struggled to forgive myself for, despite obviously not needing any forgiveness.

The blood loss can have a huge impact on you, especially with the feeding front. Have you considered combi feeding to take some pressure off? It took me MONTHS to feel even remotely functional after a haemorrhage and I think a big part of that was pushing the breastfeeding in some kind of desperate attempt to feel like I had control over something (anything!). Even at the expense of taking care of myself so I could recover and actually enjoy my baby.

Anyway, my best tip is ask your partner to be brutally honest about what they think is best for you and just go with it. You're physically recovering, hormonally a mess, and exhausted. You're in no position to make the best choices for you so you need someone who loves and cares for you to be sensible for you and support you. Your mum might also be a good option, or your best friend?

The good news is it's all fixable, it just takes time and effort. Seriously though, talk it through with a professional - no one needs those hang ups following them around. You'll be ok.

End the pumping now if you want to. It is unlikely you will be able to easily relactate after 6 weeks without a lot of hard work, so while I completely understand wanting her to have breastmilk, it's totally fine to weigh that against the cost of pumping in terms of your mental/physical health and just drop it if that works for you. I wouldn't aim for a deadline. Just go with what feels right. Personally I always hated pumping so I take my hat off to you for doing it 5 days! It's totally, totally up to you and if it's what you want to do then great but it is absolutely not expected. Don't stress about this.

Doesn't matter what's "ideal". Ideal is actually you being able to recover and heal, without extraneous demands placed on you.

Not necessarily true Bertie - OP is lactating by pumping, so it’s not ‘relactating’ it’s more teaching baby to latch and feed. Which is still completely possible, I know many people who have done this after difficult deliveries. But it’s your choice OP, and both options are equally as good - happy mum happy baby (I honestly truly believe that) xxx

I didn't say it would be impossible, it is definitely possible, but it would be hard. That is all I mean. It's not really the case that you can just keep on increasing demand with the pump and then seamlessly transition back to BF, it would take more than that. OP has said that she doesn't want to breastfeed (now) so if she is feeling some kind of pressure to get to the 6 week mark and try, I felt it would be helpful information, that is all I am meaning. :)