Can I stop my contractions for a few hours?

[DesperatelyDue]

Hi night owls. I realise this sounds completely bat shit crazy but hear me out. (And don’t be mean, I’m truly desperate)

I‘m 77 hours into an excruciating latent labour. My contractions have ramped up to pain the likes of which I have never actually felt before. But they remain 5 minutes apart and the hospital have told me I will absolutely be turned away until I’m 3 in 10. (I have phoned back twice more to beg for help but the midwives are steadfast)

Every day, up until today, the contractions have stopped for 3-4 hours in the afternoon and given me a chance to eat without vomiting and get a few hours of much needed sleep. But not today!

I’m exhausted and really emotional. I can’t do much of anything because I have to stop every 5 minutes and get onto my knees.

So, my crazy question is… has anyone been in this situation before? And can you recommend anything that would encourage a break in contractions for a while? Thank you.

You're an amazing mum ❤ I'm so sorry to hear how very badly you were treated. I feel rage on your behalf. You have been through a horrific ordeal hope you can rest and cuddle your baby now. Hugs xxxx

Well done o/p. Dh stood his ground for me- i wasn’t capable - and that also saved our dd’s life. That and a couple of very junior docs that actually looked at the trace.

the bond isn’t always there instantly. It will come though.

don’t be too hard on yourself. I felt like a failure for the longest time, why couldn’t my body do the most basic biological thing. I’d never experience giving birth, properly bought into all the earth mother crap.

mine are late teens now and i’ve got over it 😂. Barely think about the birth, it’s more a story they like about how they caused an utter panic and traumatised Dh 😂.

it will get easier. Focus on meeting your dd’s needs, and the bond will grow.

I’m sorry you had such problems. It never should have come to this.

Congrats on your dd and take all the time you need to recover

Once you have recovered and ready to do so, please do look at contacting PALS.

The midwife department has let you down badly and if it wasn’t for you insisting, you wouldn’t be where you are now

I’m so so sorry to read your update, I’ve been thinking of you and wishing you well over the past few days.

I echo other posters advice to contacts Pals and/or the senior midwife at the hospital when you’re feeling a bit stronger to discuss what happened. Even if it turns out it was a completely random unpredictable event it may help you to have the information and understand why things happened, as at the time given the pain you were in I imagine everything was overwhelming.

Please don’t worry right now about love. I (and she) already know you love your girl because you’re doing the hard job of looking after her while you still need looking after. You’re running on empty and love right now is in the actions not grand emotions and words.
It took me months after a tricky birth to be able to say out loud to my girl that I loved her. But in the meantime she knew it through my actions and her daddy and grandparents said it lots too.

Do make sure you rest, ensure people are taking care of you and giving you what you need to heal, and come back here to talk if you need to.

Oh my god based on your story I was worried something like this would happen. So so sorry for you. Don't worry about bond or no bond for now - just focus on your recovery. Sending best wishes

Thank goodness you're both OK xx

If it helps Op I had a traumatic and painful birth, although not as bad as your experience.. mine was 2 years ago.
The initial shock in the first couple months is hard and it took me a few months to start bonding with my baby seriously.

The memories do fade though and get less painful over time, you will start feeling close to and care for your baby and enjoy life again trust me.
The first weeks are just survival, caring for yourself and the baby and making sure basic needs are met.
If you have any major concerns please remember to talk to your health visitor, they are not just there for the baby but for you. Hope things start settling down for you soon and you feel better.

Birth can be so traumatic. I think we really
expect too much of ourselves. Give yourself some time to recover and if you need extra support please ask for it. Wishing you and your daughter all the best. X

Please be kind to yourself. There's no pressure to have a quick bond. Even without trauma it takes a while. I think 'baby blues' are worse after a traumatic birth too. Crazy hormones + trauma + baby is a lot to handle. This too shall pass! Ask for any and all help you can get.

Well done for doing a great job and advocating for yourself and baby.

I have been checking in worried about you and congratulations on the birth of your daughter! You already sound like an amazing mum advocating for her. I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a traumatic and hard time. No wonder you're struggling.

Come back any time you need anything and i hope you have a good local group of family and friends to help while you recover.

So glad you are both OK - what a start to parenthood but congratulations!

The baby blues are miserable - but they do pass. Trauma might make it last a bit longer so take very good care of yourself and accept any help given. Just don't listen to any self-important person telling you that birth is natural and not an illness.

Please don't worry about not feeling bonded yet.

My very loving mother - after many births - told me that holding a newly birthed baby was lovely... but what she really wanted to hold at the time was a cup of tea.

She holds that baby bonding is something that happens slowly as you get to know each other. Most really important emotional bonds are created slowly. (Not everyone knows 'love at first sight') Certainly, she bonded with all of us eventually and still knows what we are thinking/doing even when hundreds of miles away.

Congratulations on your daughter, OP.

I'm sorry you went through what you did. It's so hard to advocate for yourself in a position like that and you must be feeling all sorts of emotions over your treatment. It's normal to feel those baby blues anyway but you are perfectly within your rights after experiencing such trauma. That bond comes in time for some and that is completely fine.

Try and speak to friends or family you can trust about the birth and how it's impacted you if you can. Maybe the health visitor if you feel secure in talking about it with them.

A birth debrief might help (maybe not just yet but in weeks, months or years to come) there's a lady who did mine privately but you can also do one with your hospital and they will go through your notes. If you want the lady's details, feel free to PM me.

Take time for your recovery. I wish you all the best

@DesperatelyDue you are very likely utterly exhausted, physically and emotionally, and battered in spirit. No wonder you feel so broken and down.

Please, please be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself.

Accept all the help other people offer you. Do your best not to push yourself to do anything or feel anything you think you ought to be doing, thinking or feeling.

You need to rest, rest, rest, and let others take over.

When the time comes, please talk through your terrible experience with a birth trauma counselor. Consider making a formal complaint. Maybe even write to Donna Ockenden.

Hi OP,
Congratulations on your LO arriving, and so sorry to hear how stressful and traumatic their arrival has been for you.

I wanted to post to say my EMCS was also traumatic but one thing that really really helped me was doing a rebirthing in the bath at home. It sounds a bit 'out there' I know and I was very skeptical but the infant feeding lead at our hospital suggested it after DS's tongue tie was cut as something that can help baby after EMCS in terms of breastfeeding, but also help mum after a traumatic birth. You'd need to wait until your external CS wound has healed over, we did it at 3 and a half weeks. It's not the same as 'rebirthing therapy', this is a one off thing where you have a bath with low lighting, relaxing music etc with baby to help you reconnect and bond. There's a link here to a blog post I found helpful about it. Worst case scenario is that you have a nice bath with baby which is a lovely thing anyway. But, for me it was a deep emotional experience, very cathartic, and erased my intrusive thoughts about my birth trauma which I had been experiencing up to that point and really helped me to enjoy being with baby without that shadow over me. I was really surprised at how effective it was, so worth a shot. In the meantime just try to have lots of skin to skin cuddles, the stress hormones from your experience and the immediate emotionality you experience post birth will start to subside and the bonding hormones will come in with time, so don't feel bad - this is the impact of the trauma experience, it is not something to feel bad about.

OP your post has made me feel so angry for you. How dare they not take you seriously! When you feel stronger/better, it might be worth looking into a birth reflections meeting or a complaint.

My birth wasn’t as acutely traumatic as yours but it was long and drawn out and quite complicated, I was basically a shell for a week or so after. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to bond with the baby immediately, all you really need to do right now is cuddle them and clean/feed them and the love will come at it’s own time. It doesn’t reflect at all on you as a mother, it’s very normal.

I hope you’re okay and getting lots of practical help, keep posting if you find it therapeutic 💐 and congratulations ♥️

It's possible that your oxytocin levels were negatively affected by the incredible stress you were put through by the incompetence and callousness of the hospital staff for the entire week before you delivered, and that levels of oxytocin are still somewhat inhibited by lingering stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol.

Try to relax as much as possible. Make sure you have cushions to lean against comfortably and a drink at hand so you don't have to reach or get up from sitting. Play soothing music or nature sounds - waterfalls, bird sounds, whale music. Keep gentle people around you, and do plenty of skin-to-skin touch with your precious baby. Let someone give you gentle massages to your neck and shoulders and scalp. You need gentle touch after an experience where you felt so unsafe.

I am so sorry you went through this OP. Maternity care can be truly abysmal and I'm so sorry you and your baby had to suffer, basically because the rules are applied with zero flexibility. I hope things will start to look brighter for you soon!

I am reading all of your lovely messages, thank you. Sorry I don’t have much else to say right now.

Been talking to my husband a lot about my “memories” of the event. Trying to sort what was real and what was not and to fill in the gaps, (of which there are a lot.) It’s been helpful. As are all of your kind words.

Thanks again.

Op I can't remember what they call it but the hospital can give you a sort of debrief and explain the decisions that were made.

But bewdzare I was pregnant with my second and asked a couple of questions about my care while having my first. It made me cry to realise they put my life before my DS.

Defo have the birth debrief and get some support op.

Congratulations and well done op! Welcome to the world baby girl!!

OP firstly congratulations on the birth of your DD. Most of the best mothers I know where open that they didn’t have that rush of love. They wanted to look after and keep the little person safe but it took several weeks to feel that bond and that’s normal.
you went through such a difficult time and a debrief as suggested might help. It is so exhausting having to advocate for yourself and question what happened and what should have happened. You are doing great and I’m glad you’re home

I think probably a lot of people read your original posts and felt extremely worried for you - maternity care is such a shambles in this country. To acknowledge that isn't to negate the hard work of midwives; they, mums and babies all deserve better.

I had a differently traumatic birth. It wasn't very fun and it still isn't very fun, and you will find a lot of people are going to say 'well, you're both ok now and that's all that matters' but it isn't all that matters. Please follow up with the hospital, please reach out for help for yourself, please be 'not ok' about your baby's birth for as long as it takes. I found the community midwives extremely helpful and they did lots of tutting and fussing about the hospital being rubbish which I needed at the time.

To be more upbeat, my daughter is nearly two and the love of my life. It'll come, you've got forever together, no rush.

You poor love, that sounds horrific! As I was reading the thread I was wondering why you hadn't been examined after being in labour for 77 hours, did it not occur to the people on the phone telling you not to come in that the baby could be in distress and no one would know?
I'm not a midwife but I've had 3 babies and it seems obvious to me that a 77 hour labour is not normal and of course you should have been checked to see if there was a reason for the labour not progressing. It is not appropriate for you to just be dismissed by phone.
Right now you just need to get over the trauma, but I do think you should consider a formal complaint.
Congratulations on your baby and for having the strength of character to stand up for yourself and your baby.

Nothing insightful to add - just wanted to wish you and baby all the best, and hope you’re on the road to recovery.

As a first-time pregnant woman, stories like this terrify me, but then I think it’s important to hear about others’ experiences in case I go through anything similar.

Take care and rest up x

I’m so sorry that you went through this and pleased that you and the baby are safe. Please be kind to yourself, discuss with your health visitor and if you feel up to it do a birth debrief. I must admit that I felt so battered by the experience that I decided not to go over my birth in detail, I sense it was probably worse than I remembered and the trauma did dull as I got enculfed in parenthood. I hope your pain dims as well, it will all be very fresh just now, however if it doesn’t then absolutely seek help, do not minimise your own trauma as you’ve been through something very stressful

you should feel incredibly proud of yourself, you laboured for so long, delivered a healthy baby and advocated for you both during a high pressured environment where you had to put your trust in the professionals (slightly misplaced in a lot of cases it seems)