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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Failed medical abortion & now 15 weeks

111 replies

lettuceinn · 29/04/2022 21:18

Hello friends!

This is my first post here. I am a 32 year old Australian woman living in Mexico with my Mexican boyfriend who is 28. I discovered I was pregnant at 8 weeks and waited until 12.5 weeks to have a medical abortion at home. The pharmacy refused to give me mifoprostol, only misoprostol - I took it over a period of a few nights in my mouth and vagina and had a tiny dab of bleeding only the first evening and nothing more the other nights. I was under the assumption I had a dead baby inside of me and have been waiting for it to leave my system for a couple weeks (I read that it can sometimes take some time to naturally leave your system).

Fast forward I have second degree burns on my feet so wound up in the hospital, had an ultrasound and the doctor says my baby is healthy and fine at 15 weeks. I have had drinks (two or three tops) two nights since thinking the baby was dead. I am concerned pills and a bit of alcohol has affected it.

My boyfriend and I went to the abortion clinic to have tests and find out about surgical abortion - I wish she found a problem but said the baby is healthy and there's no problems. I'm at the absolute limit in terms of time so I have two days to decide.

This has been emotional hell - I started to come to terms with the abortion and death of the baby and now to find out it's fine. But is it risky to even continue? If it had deformities I would never forgive myself.

But also, can I even have a baby - I am financially unstable living in Mexico far from my family and my boyfriends income is not fantastic. I need to buy a couch and a Tv and just think all my freedom to travel will disappear. However my heart hurts so much and I can't stop crying because 15 weeks is so far along and I've been broken through this entire process. Head or heart, everyone has their own opinions and I am literally 50/50 and it has not changed.

Thank you for reading this ;-;

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 29/04/2022 22:04

Hi OP, sorry, that's tough - you sound like you don't know what you want/aren't sure you want to abort.

You'll have to do all you can to come to an informed and considered decision over the next two days. First thing I'd go on a long walk without your partner, but with your mobile so you can speak to family if you want to.

Also I think you'll have to wisen up a bit. You 'assumed the baby was dead' even though you knew you hadn't been given the drugs actually required for hormonal abortion. Why would you do that?

If you want to continue the pregnancy you can't live in hope like that, you need to put your hardest head on and act on information not assumptions.

Original poster
lettuceinn · 29/04/2022 23:25

I was told that it can work without the mifoprostol and that many women successfully do it without but I agree with everything you've said. Wise cap needs to go on. Thank you for responding to me. I just feel unable to provide for a baby with all of my restrictions and have never felt ready for one.. but I know couples overcome many obstacles to care for their child and maybe this is my shot. I don't know..

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 29/04/2022 23:35

I think if you were sure it was the right thing your head and heart would agree with each other. I think what your heart wants is more important as that will be what affects your emotions most afterwards. Does the thought of an abortion fill you with relief or sadness? I had first baby at 33 and this was followed by 2 miscarriages so you also need to ask yourself if you want children sometime,as the older we get, the harder a healthy pregnancy becomes.
What does boyfriend think?

HairyBum · 29/04/2022 23:40

id love to meet someone who felt ready financially and life wise. Babies are always a shock but mostly people adapt to the changes. Equipment wise, you don’t need endless stuff but some people will tell you otherwise.

Original poster
lettuceinn · 29/04/2022 23:43

vdbfamily · 29/04/2022 23:35

I think if you were sure it was the right thing your head and heart would agree with each other. I think what your heart wants is more important as that will be what affects your emotions most afterwards. Does the thought of an abortion fill you with relief or sadness? I had first baby at 33 and this was followed by 2 miscarriages so you also need to ask yourself if you want children sometime,as the older we get, the harder a healthy pregnancy becomes.
What does boyfriend think?

I'm sorry you went through that. That's also part of my reason for thinking so long.. what if I don't have another opportunity? I could hate him forever. But that is fear and anxiety talking - there must be time. My heart says yes and my head says no! I live in a lower socio economic area in Mexico - I am a photographer and enjoy it but it's far from the upper middle class suburb I come from in Australia with my sister and parents. There are great hospitals and good doctors here so that is not my concern. But being alone in a foreign country with a baby who may come out with a birth defect? Not sure what the likelihood of that is but it's possible. Also taking a child out of its birth country required the fathers permission. He is very supportive and all for the surgical abortion but says it's ultimately my decision and will make it work whatever I choose. Just wondering how I'm going to pay the rent this week is a bit much for me..

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 29/04/2022 23:47

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine. It was horrific. She continued with the pregnancy, had to sign paperwork etc, I assume to not hold them liable incase of any deformities. The baby was perfectly healthy and is now in junior school

MissMaple82 · 29/04/2022 23:52

She now sees this child as a miracle that fought to be born and have a life. Its quite a marvellous story. Wether they will tell them one day, I don't know.

Janedoe82 · 29/04/2022 23:52

Keep it! Must really want to be here! Far worse things in life than a baby

sausageandbeansx · 30/04/2022 00:02

I’d take that as a sign tbh and keep it. Especially as you’re saying your heart is telling you to. But I have just had a MC so I’m probably not a reliable source of advice.

If you knew with certainty that the baby would be born healthy, would you keep it?

sausageandbeansx · 30/04/2022 00:05

Also just wanted to say I hope that didn’t come across as blunt. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation it must be incredibly difficult.

Original poster
lettuceinn · 30/04/2022 07:41

sausageandbeansx · 30/04/2022 00:02

I’d take that as a sign tbh and keep it. Especially as you’re saying your heart is telling you to. But I have just had a MC so I’m probably not a reliable source of advice.

If you knew with certainty that the baby would be born healthy, would you keep it?

I guess if it was perfectly healthy and boyfriend said yes let's go ahead - I think that's all I would need to push me over the edge. But after spending the day alone and talking to my mum she advised me to think about how difficult my life could become and that I can't keep thinking about the what if's.. "what if I can't have another baby?" etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
lettuceinn · 30/04/2022 07:44

Janedoe82 · 29/04/2022 23:52

Keep it! Must really want to be here! Far worse things in life than a baby

Yes, having a baby is not the worst thing to happen but having a baby in a foreign country without family in a lower socio economic neighbourhood with a younger boyfriend with unstable income sounds a little difficult. On top of that I think I will be filled with anxiety worrying about if there are deformations.. I worry that I will be making yet another poor decision in my life. Because the last ten years feels like a nice list of bad decisions to keep life exciting and difficult. Sigh

OP posts:
Original poster
lettuceinn · 30/04/2022 07:46

MissMaple82 · 29/04/2022 23:52

She now sees this child as a miracle that fought to be born and have a life. Its quite a marvellous story. Wether they will tell them one day, I don't know.

That's a beautiful story. I'm happy it all worked out for her. Very inspiring and adds to all the confusion :P

OP posts:
TheGirlWithTheGreyBunny · 30/04/2022 11:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted as it is not in the spirit of our site.

SpiderVersed · 30/04/2022 11:52

If you aren’t 100% sure you want it could manage a baby, end the pregnancy. You wanted to end it 2 weeks ago and your situation is the same now as then.

Babies are bloody hard work. I love children very much, but even being planned and much hoped for, it put a hell of a strain on our relationship and finances.

There is no reason to think you can’t have a child in the future when you’re in a better place to raise one. Enjoy your youth and your freedom to travel with your photography. It sounds very exciting.

PS - there’s no such thing as a sign.

Original poster
lettuceinn · 30/04/2022 11:57

SpiderVersed · 30/04/2022 11:52

If you aren’t 100% sure you want it could manage a baby, end the pregnancy. You wanted to end it 2 weeks ago and your situation is the same now as then.

Babies are bloody hard work. I love children very much, but even being planned and much hoped for, it put a hell of a strain on our relationship and finances.

There is no reason to think you can’t have a child in the future when you’re in a better place to raise one. Enjoy your youth and your freedom to travel with your photography. It sounds very exciting.

PS - there’s no such thing as a sign.

The voice of reason — thank you for contributing. I feel I may finally be able to get an hour or two of sleep after reading that.. I know I will be crying and distraught on the day (and probably need a good shove into the clinic) but I have to think objectively about the now and the future. It saddens me and I think I will feel a combination of trauma and relief.. stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 30/04/2022 12:06

lettuceinn · 30/04/2022 11:57

The voice of reason — thank you for contributing. I feel I may finally be able to get an hour or two of sleep after reading that.. I know I will be crying and distraught on the day (and probably need a good shove into the clinic) but I have to think objectively about the now and the future. It saddens me and I think I will feel a combination of trauma and relief.. stuck between a rock and a hard place

Show quote history

If you need a good shove to get into the clinic, please think carefully about whether this is really right for you. Do you need to stay where you are or are there other options before the baby is born, if you keep it? Please think about what is right for you carefully. In the end, no-one on this board will have to live with the decision, so be careful about considering the opinions here. Yours is the only one that counts.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/04/2022 12:17

SpiderVersed · 30/04/2022 11:52

If you aren’t 100% sure you want it could manage a baby, end the pregnancy. You wanted to end it 2 weeks ago and your situation is the same now as then.

Babies are bloody hard work. I love children very much, but even being planned and much hoped for, it put a hell of a strain on our relationship and finances.

There is no reason to think you can’t have a child in the future when you’re in a better place to raise one. Enjoy your youth and your freedom to travel with your photography. It sounds very exciting.

PS - there’s no such thing as a sign.

I agree. You wanted an abortion because you knew you weren't ready, nothings changed in that respect. Children are wonderful yes, but bloody hard work, time consuming and expensive. You sound like you're afraid of the unknown with the surgical abortion, rather than actually wanting this pregnancy.

Abuildingwith4wallsandtmrinsid · 30/04/2022 12:18

The risk from the alcohol should be negligible and the doctors will advise you if the abortion pills could have led to deformities, probably unlikely if they have done a full 15 week scan (did they check all anatomy in detail etc) So I would park that issue and also any future babies/guilt etc

The big question is do you love this baby and this man, the father of your child? Do you envisage a future with both of them, whether in Mexico or back in Australia. People worldwide have babies in all circumstances, it doesn’t have to be middle class suburban bliss in a developed country.

Babies are indeed bloody hard work and a huge commitment and sometimes women are not ready for that yet and that is absolutely ok! There need not be any guilt! Your body, your choice.

a family member had a baby in similar circumstances and for her it turned out just fine. The baby was portable for a couple of years in a sling and then she moved back home with the father who got visas etc and they are living a happy creative life in London now, with lots of travelling (and homeschooling). Yes some of the more conservative members of the family think it is strange but who cares! They are blissfully happy with their set up.

WhatsitWiggle · 30/04/2022 12:25

How did you feel when the doctors told you the baby was alive? Think back to that initial reaction. That will guide you to your decision.

Or if you can't remember, try flipping a coin. NOT to make the decision, I'm not crass, but to identify your reaction. Eg if heads is to go ahead with the abortion, it lands on heads and you feel relieved, then that's what you were hoping for deep down. If you feel sad and wished it had landed on tails, then you want to progress the pregnancy and need to work through the practicalities.

TheMoth · 30/04/2022 12:34

It depends what you feel you can cope with. I would have aborted, but then I need stability in my life and wouldn't have even considered a baby until I was settled in a job and knew I could afford it. I'm not a risk taker.

Everything you do, once you have a baby, has to be done with the baby in mind. I found that hard enough with my boring little life and my regular income. I'd have struggled in your situation.

Aboutcoffee · 30/04/2022 12:47

How stable is the relationship? What if the relationship ends and you have a child and now you can't leave Mexico? And you are living in a less than ideal area? Will you be ok with that? Will your Australian family be able to visit regularly?

Can your boyfriend move to Australia? Would he gain entry?

If you decide to go ahead you should think of heading home for the Birth.

Tough decision for you. Wish you all the best x

CJsGoldfish · 30/04/2022 12:56

If you are happy to remain in Mexico until your child is grown with a financially unstable guy in a relationship that may or may not last the distance, go for it!

SouthOfFrance · 30/04/2022 13:07

The amount of replies on here saying to continue with the pregnancy make me wonder if some 'pro life' groups stalk this board and try and persuade women out of abortions?

Op, if you don't want a baby now & can't afford it, don't have the resources practically or emotionally then having an abortion is fine. You know you'll cope with it as the past few weeks you thought you'd had one anyway, I'm sure it wasn't easy but you were dealing with it.

Having a baby is hard work and not something to do lightly, please go easy on yourself, I definitely think the advice to go for a walk/find some space away from your boyfriend to have a think sounds good advice. Do what YOU want, not what you think other people would do/say.

Itwillkiiilllll · 30/04/2022 13:37

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, could you go home and have the baby in Australia and then return to Mexico? That way it would also have an Australian passport and the Father does not have to give permission for you to take it out of his country?

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