Failed medical abortion & now 15 weeks

[lettuceinn]

Hello friends!

This is my first post here. I am a 32 year old Australian woman living in Mexico with my Mexican boyfriend who is 28. I discovered I was pregnant at 8 weeks and waited until 12.5 weeks to have a medical abortion at home. The pharmacy refused to give me mifoprostol, only misoprostol - I took it over a period of a few nights in my mouth and vagina and had a tiny dab of bleeding only the first evening and nothing more the other nights. I was under the assumption I had a dead baby inside of me and have been waiting for it to leave my system for a couple weeks (I read that it can sometimes take some time to naturally leave your system).

Fast forward I have second degree burns on my feet so wound up in the hospital, had an ultrasound and the doctor says my baby is healthy and fine at 15 weeks. I have had drinks (two or three tops) two nights since thinking the baby was dead. I am concerned pills and a bit of alcohol has affected it.

My boyfriend and I went to the abortion clinic to have tests and find out about surgical abortion - I wish she found a problem but said the baby is healthy and there's no problems. I'm at the absolute limit in terms of time so I have two days to decide.

This has been emotional hell - I started to come to terms with the abortion and death of the baby and now to find out it's fine. But is it risky to even continue? If it had deformities I would never forgive myself.

But also, can I even have a baby - I am financially unstable living in Mexico far from my family and my boyfriends income is not fantastic. I need to buy a couch and a Tv and just think all my freedom to travel will disappear. However my heart hurts so much and I can't stop crying because 15 weeks is so far along and I've been broken through this entire process. Head or heart, everyone has their own opinions and I am literally 50/50 and it has not changed.

Thank you for reading this ;-;

OP - you've talked about your chaotic lifestyle and problem making good decisions. You've raised the issue of your current mental health, depression. You've also mentioned an eating disorder (in the past but still emotionally resonating with you as your body changes).

I won't tell you what decision you should make as it's yours alone to make.

I will however recommend you get some support over your mental health so in whatever future lies ahead for you, you can feel confident in your choices.

And I must add.. please don’t listen to posters telling you that your fertility will go down as you get older. You’re still young in medical terms, doctors don’t consider you old until you’re in your 40s.

OP - you've talked about your chaotic lifestyle and problem making good decisions. You've raised the issue of your current mental health, depression. You've also mentioned an eating disorder (in the past but still emotionally resonating with you as your body changes).

I won't tell you what decision you should make as it's yours alone to make.

I will however recommend you get some support over your mental health so in whatever future lies ahead for you, you can feel confident in your choices.

Can you go home to Australia, OP? It sounds like a safer and more stable option.

Could you home to your Mum? Would she support you whatever you choose to do? A few weeks with your Mum might put you back on your feet.

@lettuceinn babies solve nothing and don’t make life easier nor do they make you whole, complete or any other such nonsense. Raising a new human being is a complicated process and if you are not in the right place you start at a disadvantage.

I wish more people would consider the actual reality of having children versus the idyllic Disney style dream of family. I have children but I’ve also had a termination and I know that had I had that child my life would be very different and not for the better.

it is ok to be sad that you feel you need to do this but it’s also ok to feel relief that it’s the right decision for you at this time.

If you don’t want a kid, you don’t need to have one. I have two kids and have had two abortions. Loads of women have had abortions, it’s just no one talks about it. There has been some emotive bullshit put on you by pro life posters on this thread. The truth is that having kids is hard work. If I were you, if you want to have this child, go home now. Especially before the boyfriend gets attached to it. You’ll need the support, healthcare etc. If you don’t want it, stop prevaricating and have a termination. I think you’ll need emotional support/ counselling post termination too.

When you thought the pregnancy was over, did you just feel relief? If so, that’s still the way forward for you.

Btw, it’s ok to have a termination, grieve and still know that it was the right thing to do. No one says that enough.

I disagree with the 'it's a sign/ everything happens for a reason'.

It's not my place to say what you should do either way but I must say your responses to me read like you would lean for the abortion.

You say you have made mistakes in the past. For what it is worth I think you come across as a sensible and logical person. Do have confidence in your own judgement and don't get too influenced by external views. it's both an emotional and political question and people will invariably let this guide their suggestions. What is 'right' for someone may not be right for someone else.

I wish more people would consider the actual reality of having children versus the idyllic Disney style dream of family.

This in general 👏

The one thing I wouldn't do is have this baby in Mexico. You have said yourself you are financially unstable there, difficulty affording rent and basic furniture, boyfriend not keen on a baby, your family aren't around. Also after the child is born your boyfriend may be able to stop you taking the child abroad if you later wanted to move back to Australia. I wouldn't want to raise a child in those circumstances.

People saying babies don't cost much money are missing that the major costs are lost earnings (and childcare when you do work), and extra housing costs (even when baby small and in your bedroom you may not be happy in your current area or apartment with a baby and want to move somewhere nicer). And of course babies grow into children who do cost more money!

Abortion- morally and emotionally I personally see no difference in a termination at 12 or 15 weeks. Obviously practically it's a different procedure, and everyone feels differently about abortion and it may feel morally or emotionally different to you, it's how you feel about abortion that's important, not how other people feel.

If you have a termination now but think you'd like to have a child in the future, I'd start taking steps to get into a position where you'd be better placed to raise a child. At 32 you do have time to get into a better financial position, new relationship maybe, decide whether to stay in Mexico or move, and get pregnant again.... but not loads of time.

If you choose a different avenue in life and prefer to travel and have adventures and pursue creativity over having a child thst is absolutely fine, lots of women make thst choice and are very happy and fulfilled. but I'd want to intentionally choose that rather than just not getting around to having a child then maybe regretting it.

If you want to continue this pregnancy I would move back to Australia, if your family will support you. Having a first baby is a huge change and I think you'll want secure housing, more financial security, family support and good medical care (physical and mental health).

I wouldn't want to risk getting stuck in Mexico if your boyfriend opposes you moving his child abroad. Even if he wants you to terminate now, he may still oppose you taking his child away once born. I wouldn't normally support intentionally moving away from the father, but bringing a baby into your current precarious finances, home and situation sounds like it will be very difficult.

If you do want to have a termination though that is absolutely fine, and don't let anyone make you feel bad if that's your decision.

Also it may be there isn't a perfect solution here- you may experience some mixed feelings and regret whichever choice you make. I'd try and use those feelings to think about how you want to live your life going forwards.

Only you can make his decision @lettuceinn. We won't be there for the consequences either way.
I will say this. You can feel deep sorrow at the end of this pregnancy, and wish for a different outcome and desperately want to have children and still have a termination be the right decision. You can mourn this baby and what it means for you and still be making the right choice for you.
No one makes these choices lightly, you have to have a long, hard look at what the outcomes of your choices are in the real world, and not in an ideal one. It is ok if this isn't the right time for you, even if you still want children In the future. And if you struggle to conceive in the future, you can look back with regret at this choice but the reasons you made it will still be the same.
I'm not advocating for either choice btw, but I do know that the mother I would have made at 33 is a incomparable to the mother I am, and I don't think I could have given any baby at that age the life I give my daughter now.
Yes, if I had started sooner, I could have had more children, but it wouldn't have been with her father and it wouldn't have been her.

What a load of bollocks. Did you read what she wrote?

having a baby in a foreign country without family in a lower socio economic neighbourhood with a younger boyfriend with unstable income sounds a little difficult. On top of that I think I will be filled with anxiety worrying about if there are deformations.. I worry that I will be making yet another poor decision in my life

I wanted to take this moment to thank everyone for responding.. Been constantly checking my phone to tune in. So thankful I was able to share my little story with you all. I am in a much better headspace compared to a couple of days ago. Perhaps I needed the mystical pro-lifers to help me snap out of my own unrealistic fantasy - and I needed all the very logical mums here to - as someone said - give me the permission I was looking for - to rid me of the guilt and tell me it's okay to feel confused and hurt - and also give me the option to have the baby if I wanted to - without judgement. I think when I feel backed into a corner that's when I want to run the other way and this entire thread has freed me of the pressure I was suffering from before. I could not have imagined that all of your intelligent and wise words could have provided so much clarity and lift me during this incredibly sad and lonely experience. Thank you all so much for sharing and giving it to me straight. Today is Sunday and I will post again regarding what is going to happen. I'm happy I started this conversation with you all.. I honestly would not have been okay without your responses and wish I could hand deliver Mumsnet flowers to all of your houses

I'm so glad you are feeling in a better head space & this thread helped with that somewhat, flowers to you too 💐 I know you said it's a lonely experience but remember there are so so many women in the course of history that have needed to make these decisions - you aren't alone at all, just that it's not a topic that gets talked about much. When you walk down the street you unknowingly pass women who have been in similar situations to you, so please don't feel so lonely.

Best wishes for the day's ahead 🌻

Op I’m glad some of this helps. As for the pro lifers remember they are in the minority certainly in the UK - over 70% of people surveyed in the UK were pro choice.

Do stay safe - keep eating and sleeping when you can and confide in those you can trust in RL. You will be making the decision that is best for you and feels right. That is all that matters.

On my way to the clinic. Boyfriend was nowhere to be seen yesterday and came home drunk at midnight and broke up with me. All I've wanted was company in these days but he would rather be with friends. I think I am going to be sick. This will go down in my history as one hell of a shitty moment. Thanks to all of you I feel a little less lonely. Big hugs.

You will be fine and you will get through this.
The boyf sounds like a person who is definitely not ready for the constraints and responsibilities of having a child.
I have received flowers today from lots of family and people who love me. Some of those blooms are now from you, my imagination allows this.
I hope you are treated with kindness and care as you confirm the decision you have made today.
We will all be here for you, with our words of kindness and support, as you carry forward the decision that will lead you to freedom that you and all women are entitled to, when making decisions not to put ourselves through the burden of bearing and rearing a child.

What an utter bastard. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Is it time to go home to your family do you think?

@pompomseverywhere I agree. Sorry OP I know it's what you want to hear but coming from a wealthy place to a poorer place is tricky when you date people may not be very genuine. Go home to your family don't even tell him just go!

I would leave and go home to your family asap.
I also think you are making the right decision, you don't want to be tied down to him by having his child.

Op I hope the procedure went ok and you aren’t too uncomfortable tonight. Will be thinking of you

I’m so sorry he has thrown in the towel, but I hope in the long term once you are over the shock that this will be freeing and will allow you to start afresh and draw a line under this really difficult time.

Wishing you well and safe these next few days.

I'm so sorry for who he t bed out to be Op and that you are experiencing these moments alone. Please keep reminding yourself that you have every right to grieve all of this, the man who wasn't who you needed him to be, the child you won't have this time and the life you won't lead. And if toy feel nothing but relief, that's perfectly ok too.
I think there are a lot of us thinking about you tonight and wishing you so much peace x

Just wanted to send you a handhold and you know that you have made the right decision for you. I hope your somewhere warm and comfortable 💐

Thank you ladies.. yesterday was misery. He argued the whole day and didn't talk to me while I was in this little room cramping with a fever.. all damn day. He was on his phone playing candy crush the whole time. I was thinking about you all here and how I'd wished I'd been with someone else during the abortion. I've never gone under anaesthesia before so was absolutely losing it beforehand but the women were fantastic. Today he leaves in the morning to smoke with friends. I feel relief, frustration and incredibly sad. I am glad I made this decision but this entire experience has brought out the worst in myself and now I can see the worst in him. My eyes are wide open. Thank you for helping me make my decision, it was the right thing to do. Sending lots of love