Failed medical abortion & now 15 weeks

[lettuceinn]

Hello friends!

This is my first post here. I am a 32 year old Australian woman living in Mexico with my Mexican boyfriend who is 28. I discovered I was pregnant at 8 weeks and waited until 12.5 weeks to have a medical abortion at home. The pharmacy refused to give me mifoprostol, only misoprostol - I took it over a period of a few nights in my mouth and vagina and had a tiny dab of bleeding only the first evening and nothing more the other nights. I was under the assumption I had a dead baby inside of me and have been waiting for it to leave my system for a couple weeks (I read that it can sometimes take some time to naturally leave your system).

Fast forward I have second degree burns on my feet so wound up in the hospital, had an ultrasound and the doctor says my baby is healthy and fine at 15 weeks. I have had drinks (two or three tops) two nights since thinking the baby was dead. I am concerned pills and a bit of alcohol has affected it.

My boyfriend and I went to the abortion clinic to have tests and find out about surgical abortion - I wish she found a problem but said the baby is healthy and there's no problems. I'm at the absolute limit in terms of time so I have two days to decide.

This has been emotional hell - I started to come to terms with the abortion and death of the baby and now to find out it's fine. But is it risky to even continue? If it had deformities I would never forgive myself.

But also, can I even have a baby - I am financially unstable living in Mexico far from my family and my boyfriends income is not fantastic. I need to buy a couch and a Tv and just think all my freedom to travel will disappear. However my heart hurts so much and I can't stop crying because 15 weeks is so far along and I've been broken through this entire process. Head or heart, everyone has their own opinions and I am literally 50/50 and it has not changed.

Thank you for reading this ;-;

"Everything happens for a reason" - no it doesn't, and you spouting mysticistic drivel at her isn't going to help OP. Shit happens, much in life is meaningless and no, things don't always work out for the best if only we put our rose-coloured glasses on. If OP decides it isn't the right time, place, and circumstances for a child then she's got plenty of valid reasons for it. Tbh I'd probably feel the same in her shoes.

If you are going to have this baby you should go back to australia and get yourself together. Once the baby is born there its unlikely you can take the baby away.

I just came on to say sometthing like this. If you move back to Oz before you're 7 months pregnant and have the baby there you'd probably be in a better socio-economic position. Plus your family can help out.

I don't know if you should keep it or not. You might go on to have a bunch of children or suffer from secondary infertility. This life has no guarantees. Having a child or not is one of the big decisions in life. Only you can decide. Having a child is hard work, but also brings much love. There are pro's and cons to either decision.

Thank you, I was a little surprised by the seemingly pro life responses also. This baby has been an ongoing cause of extreme stress for me and I need it to stop because I've lost the plot. On top of being unable to walk or shower without help, it's too much. Everyone says it is up to me but I don't actually feel like it is -- a partner who is not ready or capable of providing, a foreign country in the mix, lack of financial and emotional stability. People sometimes find a way of figuring it all out and making things work but I just don't know if a positive attitude is enough to get me through it. I am not sure a baby will save me from my sadness, loneliness or frustration. I wish it would but I can't read into the future. It feels unfair to gamble with someone's life if that makes any sense.

However, I will probably hate my boyfriend forever if I find out I cannot get pregnant again, as immature as that sounds.

Thank you all for your responses and I do encourage the opinions to keep coming because you've all helped me a great deal. I wish I could get off the fence about this but think I have started the grieving process again. A deep hole of depression.

Someone also commented that I'm possibly more scared of the surgical abortion - the fear of the unknown and I think you hit the nail on the head there. I would do anything to avoid going in to that clinic. I wish there was another option. Just like I could click my fingers. But I would probably make that a difficult task too. Wish it wasn't costing $750 usd also. I want to be back home with my family in Australia right now.

If you do decide to continue the pregnancy, please move back to Australia and if you return to Mexico to be with the father of the child, have a legal document in place, signed by your partner and notarized, that he will not prevent you leaving with the child should you wish to.
Please read up on the Hague Convention and the legal hell you could end up in, if you wanted to leave Mexico to return to Australia with the child.
It doesn't matter where the child is born or what citizenship it holds, you could still end up stuck there due to the Hague Convention, if your partner decided that he didn't want his child to be living in Australia.

Life in Mexico can be really tough, as I'm sure you realise, even for financially secure and settled people who are from there. Unless a planned baby I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy in this situation unless I definitely wanted to. I lived in Mexico for many years and had a baby there, my private message inbox is always open if you want to chat ❤️

If it were me, I would go back to Australia and have the baby.

The drinks are no worry, and I say this as someone who is involved in an FAS board/chairty and used to work with children who had it. Of course it’s not GOOD to drink while you’re pregnant, but you do have to drink quite heavily and for quite a long time to cause real damage.

28 is young of course (and feels even younger now that I’m staring at my 40th birthday barreling down the pike next month) but you’re not 17 or anything. 28 is a good age physically for a baby.

But that’s if it were ME, and you’re not me. I’m really sorry you’ve been put in this position, it must be such a shock and it’s so hard to think through, I’m sure!

I would just think hard about what YOU want. Not your partner (of course that is important, but at the end of the day it’s your body), and not your mother. What is that you would want?

Best of luck, whatever you decide. ❤️

Have you thought of maybe putting the baby up for adoption as an option? Maybe having it back home as returning to Mexico? Hope you make the right choice you can live with anyway

Op I am so sorry you are having the stress of this.

If you decide to end the pg I wonder whether it’s best to fly home and have the termination there. That way you have the support of your mum.

i love my kids but having a baby is hard and totally disrupts your life. I would not advise anyone to go ahead if they had really serious doubts about wanting to be a parent at this stage. Termination is there so women don’t have to have pregnancies at times that aren’t right for them.

Also there’s no reason to think you wouldn’t be able to have a baby later when the time is right. I got pg at 34 and again at 39.

Finally whatever you choose this too shall pass. Sending you lots of support and hoping you are managing to eat and sleep a bit through this

I don't think I wouldn't be able to give it up for adoption.. that sounds incredibly painful. Thing is I need to also wait and pay for my Mexican resident visa before leaving for Australia, so I wish it was as easy as popping on a plane. There are just so many obstacles... I wish there weren't and I wish I had my shit together

I wish I could get off the fence about this but think I have started the grieving process again. A deep hole of depression

Why do it then if it causes a deep hole of depression. I think more people regret terminations than regret having a child.

@Staffy1 what’s your evidence for that? Is there a survey or something showing that as it’s certainly not my experience

Oh ffs no 'it' doesn't!

In fact according to this 1 in 3 women in the UK have a termination and 95% of people who have a termination don’t regret it.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/1-in-3-women-have-an-abortion-and-95-don-t-regret-it-so-why-aren-t-we-talking-about-it-10392750.html?amp

The percentage who regret having children is actually 8% according to a You gov poll yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2021/06/24/one-twelve-parents-say-they-regret-having-children

Sounds like actually at the population level it’s the other way round @Staffy1

Op please don’t blame yourself for not having it together as you feel at the moment. So many of us are still feeling our way even as allegedly independent adults. I’m now settled with house etc in late 40s, but I was not feeling it at all when I was 32.

I think the fact that you call it a ‘baby’ speaks volumes

You seem to prefer the replies telling you to terminate.

You don't mention regret after the first termination although I don't know how you felt obviously. You also don't mention relief or gladness when discovering you were still pregnant.

You grew up with a particular lifestyle and I get the impression you are not going to be content with less for your own child.

You don't sound rock solid with your partner and you don't have financial stability.

In your shoes I'd forget all about Mexico, go home and have the baby. However I'm not you. I'm just reflecting back your responses.

The only thing I'd say is that think carefully if you're certain you want to be a mother one day. You would need to start getting a bit more settled anyway fairly sharpish because women don't have all the time in the world, as unfair as that is, and you clearly have expectations for how you want your child to grow up.

I do know lots of ESL teachers who live wherever they like in the world with children around too. But they're not particularly financially stable.

The one scenario I'd avoid like the plague is having the baby and being stuck in Mexico after a split. I'd leave Mexico for that alone.

Your bf doesn't sound like he's pressuring you at all so any resentment towards him does sound misplaced.

You have given me a sense of calm and hope. Have been reading about women getting pregnant later and to be honest, I could never make more than two. Would be happy with one! I appreciate these words

Yes it seems like most women despite not wanting an abortion do feel better after.. I have only come across a few posts on Mumsnet about abortion regret. I think I will just have mixed feelings. Worried I will feel empty. And empty never sounded so sad

It blows my mind seeing people before 30 with a house and kids! Bamboozles me. Thank you for writing

I appreciate your bluntness. I think I prefer the option to terminate because it makes me less frightened and less emotional. People are saying don't worry, you have time. Don't be hard on yourself. These are comforting words as opposed to, you are running out of time, have the baby, go back home. I am a photographer, a traveler and an ESL teacher but with a child I would not be able to do so much teaching and my income is what keeps us afloat. I can just see life becoming complicated and difficult in front of my eyes. My partner is not pressuring me but he's made his opinion on the matter very clear and I think he would be disappointed if I did decide to keep it and leave for Australia to give birth.

I did feel regret after taking the first lot of abortion pills. And I did feel relief after finding out it was healthy and alive. But I also felt frustrated and cried, I don't like making huge life choices that only I can make. It gives me extreme anxiety - which I suffer from a lot. If I am strong and confident in myself it is much easier but I have been feeling low for a while now. And it's never a good idea to make big choices when you're weak or not feeling yourself. I wanted there to be a problem with the foetus in the ultrasound so I would no longer need to make a decision. It would be a done deal. It was hard enough for me the first time. I waited five weeks to have the medical abortion. I enjoy the feeling of being pregnant and that glow it gave me and as someone who has suffered from chronic anorexia - all of my guilt surrounding food and eating dissipated. But this is not reason enough to introduce a child into my crumbling world

Oh op you sound like you have a lot to contend with. No wonder this decision is so particularly hard.

In the end the decision that is right is the decision that is right for YOU. And so it’s ok if some posts resonate more than others or help you more.