Failed medical abortion & now 15 weeks

[lettuceinn]

Hello friends!

This is my first post here. I am a 32 year old Australian woman living in Mexico with my Mexican boyfriend who is 28. I discovered I was pregnant at 8 weeks and waited until 12.5 weeks to have a medical abortion at home. The pharmacy refused to give me mifoprostol, only misoprostol - I took it over a period of a few nights in my mouth and vagina and had a tiny dab of bleeding only the first evening and nothing more the other nights. I was under the assumption I had a dead baby inside of me and have been waiting for it to leave my system for a couple weeks (I read that it can sometimes take some time to naturally leave your system).

Fast forward I have second degree burns on my feet so wound up in the hospital, had an ultrasound and the doctor says my baby is healthy and fine at 15 weeks. I have had drinks (two or three tops) two nights since thinking the baby was dead. I am concerned pills and a bit of alcohol has affected it.

My boyfriend and I went to the abortion clinic to have tests and find out about surgical abortion - I wish she found a problem but said the baby is healthy and there's no problems. I'm at the absolute limit in terms of time so I have two days to decide.

This has been emotional hell - I started to come to terms with the abortion and death of the baby and now to find out it's fine. But is it risky to even continue? If it had deformities I would never forgive myself.

But also, can I even have a baby - I am financially unstable living in Mexico far from my family and my boyfriends income is not fantastic. I need to buy a couch and a Tv and just think all my freedom to travel will disappear. However my heart hurts so much and I can't stop crying because 15 weeks is so far along and I've been broken through this entire process. Head or heart, everyone has their own opinions and I am literally 50/50 and it has not changed.

Thank you for reading this ;-;

I had a termination in my mid twenties as I was totally unprepared for parenthood . I am sad that I had put myself in the position of requiring a termination , but I do not regret my decision .
I had another termination when I was forty five and post menopausal . She was a much-longed for baby but had Patau's Syndrome and she was 'incompatible with life' .
This broke my heart and still there are days when I grieve for my daughter but again , termination was the best thing to do for the baby , for my family and for myself .
I find abortion a difficult issue ...it troubles me , but I fully support every woman's choice to terminate a pregnancy 'as early as possible and as late as necessary' . I don't know any woman who terminates lightly , it is an onerus decision although not as onerous as proceeding with having the baby .
If you do decide to terminate please know that you will have made the right decision based on what you had at the time . Remember this if you find yourself feeling guilty or having depressing thoughts - and some people (on here , even) may try to persuade you to go against your own needs.
I wish you peace and health and your preferred outcome [insert rucksack and camera paraphernalia emoji here] .
Oh , by the way , I now have three bright , healthy adult sons and a whole bunch of grandchildren .

You have all my sympathy. I understand your terror and I can see how hard you've worked to salvage a good life and how much depends on maintaining it. I'm also poor at big decisions.

You made a mistake by posting on the pregnancy board. I just happened to see this as an Active thread . Women swilling about in hormones are going to be swayed in their opinions. Your life is not ready for this . It doesn't mean you will never be able to conceive any more children. I had an abortion at 19 and have never regretted it for one second! My life would have been shit without it - it really would. Use your head with this. You are young. My first child was at 36.

Everything you just said makes complete sense. Thank you for responding, it has helped

I agree with the posters suggesting you ahould move back to Oz while pregnant. Could your family not give/lend you the money you need to get back? Sounds like something you need to get the ball rolling on fairly quickly if you want to?

I wouldn't worry about the drinks, it's such a small amount, many people have the same or more in pregnancy and it's totally fine. The Drs have scanned you and have said the baby is healthy, so I would stop worrying about abnormalities.

You seem to want a certain lifestyle in motherhood but at 32 you aren't making any moves towards it? You will always be able to find stories of people successfully having babies in their early 40s but for a lot of people it isn't that easy. As PPs have said we do have a ticking clock so these things can't be put off indefinitely.

You have said "I would hate my boyfriend if I couldn't get pregnant again"
Which, aside from being very unfair as he isn't pressuring you, indicates that there's a strong desire to be a mother at some point?

"I wish I had my shit together"
Only YOU can get your shit together, and I would suggest that, with or without this pregnancy, you are under time pressure at 32 to get to the middle class suburban lifestyle you would like before motherhood.
What was your plan for this before you got pregnant?

And you have mentioned several times that you're in a foreign country in a lower socio-economic area. This is easy to change. It will be infinitely easier to change now before the baby is born if you are going ahead with things.

I get the travel thing, the world is big and beautiful. But I am 32 too, and I'm looking at the fact that I can draw my pension from 55, what investments I can lay down for my future so I have a decent standard of living, making the odd overpayment on my mortgage....yes, it isn't as exciting as endless travel, but I will be old one day and will need a roof over my head and some sort of income.

I plan to change my working hours to term time only from next year and then house swap with families all over the world during the school holidays. That way I get to scratch my itchy feet and still have security and the deep roots that are important to me.

I think you need to try to calm down, take a step back and think about the big picture.

So yeah, I would move back home, keep the baby and start putting down roots, but it is your choice. Craft the llife you want.

Op I too got pregnant travellling and living a very laid lifestyle. Giving birth in a foreign country ;also South America!) was no fun but it was manageable with my partner along to translate for me

I think you shouldn’t be looking at issues like buying TVs and the end of travelling - they’re superficial to some extent. The real question is: do you want to be tied to your boyfriend for the rest of your life? Do you want children? Is he likely to look after you or become abusive? you are in an incredibly vulnerable position and honestly, I’d go home to have the baby.

i would also add that having had perinatal depression - I think because of the shock - you need to absolutely get counselling no matter what you decided.

finally, my surprise baby is now a teenager and I am so grateful that we had him. I would never ever have been ready to actively seek to get pregnant otherwise and am pretty sure I’d have ended up trying far to late.

donyou want a baby? Only you can decide. Good luck. ,

OP, this board and even the 'pregnancy choices' board are so pro-life. It's not a good place to post jn your situation. You will be told that women always regret terminations, that it will have 'repercussions'.

I'm older than the majority or women that have posted here. It's perfectly possible to terminate a pregnancy and have no emotional consequences other than relief.

15 weeks isn't far gone, you can still have a relatively simple procedure that will end your unwanted pregnancy.

I'm not sure why posters are telling you how you can 'make it work' when you've made your desire clear.

It is fine medically, morally and ethically to terminate your pregnancy. You are responding to posters that are supporting your choice much more positively, which suggests to you are looking for permission to end this pregnancy.

I give you permission OP. It is your life and your body. A second trimester abortion isn't a terrible thing, as some people would have you think.

I'd be heading back to Australia ASAP regardless of the Mexican visa situation OP.

Abortion in NSW (not sure about other states) is now legal up to 22 weeks which would give you more time to make your decision without being rushed.

That sounds really manipulative and no not all people do “manage.”

OP you might want to consider calling the family planning alliance in Australia. Chatting with a neutral professional from your home country will help you clarify your feelings away from the anti-abortion, pro- choice debate these threads invariably produce.

My partner is not pressuring me but he's made his opinion on the matter very clear and I think he would be disappointed if I did decide to keep it and leave for Australia to give birth.

Long term are you happy to live some where the economy isn't great and your keeping your partner afloat? I am a little surprised that your BF is Mexican and at his reasons.... but I guess it makes sense from his own POV.

Tbh I would think long and hard and it would be the end personally I would be returning home or moving on to travel.

Sorry had to comment again. I just wanted to add I'm not sure about weather you should have the baby and go home because you would be a single parent... as one myself it's not easy. There's no way in hell that I would want to be raising a child in Mexico... you and your own baby would have different passports it's all too much!

Listen, OP, it's your body. Your choice.

Hard realities are that you will be supporting and bringing up this child, if you proceed with the pregnancy.

Do you want to do this with your partner? Is it more than fear of the unknown that is holding you back, if you are being honest with yourself?

Of course parenthood is wonderful (I have 4DC and love them dearly) but they are very hard work, financially draining and the main difference is that we were both ready to have our children. I have seen some of my friends has less enjoyable experiences because they were not so ready for the changes that inevitably would happen to them.

I think you need to have a good hard look at your lifestyle, your finances (don't rely on your partner, although you are the main earner) and the future of your relationship. Whatever the decision, (and you do have a choice), it is a big one and will affect your life eitherway.

Have some unmumsnetty flowers

@GettinPiggyWithIt Mexico is not in South America, and there's nothing wrong with being a Latin American country. Such an offensive undertone to your comment.

OP. Hi! I can relate to your post because I'm an upper class Mexican that ended up stuck in the UK because ultimately I didn't go through with an abortion. I also lived in Wollongong, NSW for some time so at least have the context of both countries and the situation you're in.

You say your boyfriend is financially unstable and his family is on a lower income. Is this Mexico City? I would assume he has no university degree or has a fairly "useless" one. Does he speak English? Life in Mexico can be VERY expensive if you want to keep up with the Jones's . Depending on what he does for a living or life skills you could keep the baby and just find a city that would give you both decent job prospects. Photography is not something that is that well paid in Mexico, but I have a few friends that made a decent living out of food and wedding photography.

Now, back to your conundrum. When I was pregnant, it did cross my mind to move back to Mexico and just raise my kid there. I didn't want her to be raised without her father but I ended up paying with my own happiness. It's hard to raise a child far away from your family, and it never gets easy. I don't regret having her per se, but I do regret having her given the circumstances and timing of when I got pregnant. Thanks to my chronic "unhappiness" and feeling "stuck" I made a seri a of mistakes in my life that I still regret. Having lived in both countries, and having been in your shoes, my suggestion would be that if you decide to keep it, plan to move back to Australia at some point. I don't know where you're from but after living in a few countries, nothing can beat the quality of life that somewhere like Sydney and Brisbane can give. If you do move back with your boyfriend, just try to stay around one of the big cities, it will make his acclimation much easier.

Feel free to PM me

Last but not least, have you joined the expats in MX group on FB? They're quite a friendly bunch.

The reason her abortion failed is because she was given the wrong medication. Not because of fate or her baby fighting to be born.

Frankly in your situation I think you're be crazy to have a baby, you are not in a position to properly support one, you hardly seem able to support yourself/your boyfriend

All this bollocks about mAking it work/poor soul/baby fought to be here aren't going to house/feed/clothe your child

In your situation I would terminate.

If you decide to go ahead then I would beg and borrow money to return to Australia immediately. You do not want to be stuck abroad for the rest of your life if you split up unable to return to family. Have you looked at The Hague convention or read any stories about women unable to leave a country?

Do not feel swayed by you boyfriends feelings or doing the right thing by him by staying in Mexico. This is your life look after yourself.

I’ve never heard such mystical pro life jitter in all my life! Everything does happen for a reason but it’s more likely to be a scientific reason and not a spiritual one.

i grew up in poverty, with parents who didn’t have the emotional or financial resources to love me and it was hell. It’s selfish to bring a child into a chaotic world especially if you have the choice not to.

we can’t tell you what to do though, you already know the answer so listen to your own head not others.

would you consider adoption?

there’s nothing stopping you aborting this child (if you still can, legally and safely?) and then having a child in a few years time when you’re ready. What makes you think an abortion now will prevent you having a healthy child in the future?

You’re still relatively young so don’t listen to society who make women feel like they need to pop out babies left right and centre before they’re 35, research only shows a slight increase of problems in women in their 40s and even then it’s not fully clear whether age really does have an effect. At lot of it is down to genes.

But if you really want to have this baby then try have a think of your resources. Can you get a steady job in photography even if it’s more commercial side? Do you have to stay in Mexico? if so, can you move to a better area? Wouldn’t australia have better resources to help low income families? (I’m just guessing) and also more opportunities for photography (again just guessing).

Honestly in your situation I would terminate. Nothing had changed since you took the pills.

It's nobody's fault that this has happened, you have just fallen unlucky so please don't beat yourself up about taking this decision.

You have plenty of years to settle down and have a baby if that's what you want in the future.

As an aside - a lot of the posters telling you to keep the baby are projecting their own emotions onto you rather than actually looking at your circumstances and current and previous mental health. Please take those responses with a pinch of salt!

All I can contribute to this is a history of possible developmental issues in pregnancy. One of our twins was presumed 'missing' for example, having been scanned at no development for c.five weeks in first trimester. He's fine, enormous and hearty.

I've always been told that development in pregnancy is almost miraculous flexible - somehow, it works. If the scans are ok I would accept that, and you have more chances to be reassured on that.

I would just try not to let that worry dominate your decision but take on other grounds. Good luck, that's a hard road.

They might be able to hear the voice and heartbeat. They can't recognise it or "know" anything.

From your updates it sounds like you have made your choice & you will go for the abortion, perhaps you need to change your expectations of how that feels? Eg you aren't going to feel 'at peace' with that decision, but you do feel its the right thing for you right now & will get through it. Perhaps post a new thread on the 'pregnancy choices' board & ask for support though the termination process?
You need to go easy on yourself, and trust that in time all will be OK

This is pro life bullshit, the majority of people don't regret their abortions, which statistics backs up.
OP I had one as a late teenager, I felt nothing but relief after it was completed. I've never once looked back and thought I made the wrong decision, it was the right one for me. I've got a child now, when I was in a better place mentally and financially.
I know it's frightening, you don't know what will happen etc, but they are there to help you and support you through it. You won't be alone.
You need to decide if you are financially and emotionally ready for a child, and from your posts, it doesn't sound like you are.

OP if I was in your position, I would 100% end the pregnancy. Your situation is not suitable for bringing a child into and an abortion is incredibly unlikely to affect your future chances of getting pregnant when it's right for you.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, you need to go back to Australia. A poor area in Mexico is not a good place to have a baby if you have other options. Your boyfriend could very easily prevent you from taking a child out of the country so you could be trapped there for the next 18 years.

OP, a baby will bring you far more love and joy than a couch and a TV, but your choice. Think first, do you ever want a child? If no abort. If yes, think you are 32 now and your fertility goes down as you age. You might abort now but not be able to get pregnant again. Would you be ok with that or not? Your baby sounds like it is a fighter. Will your bf offer you and baby support? A baby will make it harder to travel but not impossible. Could you mentally and emotionally cope will now be a layer abortion. Some people never forgive themselves after and feel overwhelming guilt, others are fine and know they made right decision for them. Only you know how you might feel.

Everything happens for a reason but it’s likely a scientific reason and not a spiritual one.
You already know the answer, listen to your head.

the best piece of advice I ever got was to take ‘should’ out of my vocabulary. When you take all of the ‘shoulds’ out of your decision making, what comes up instead?

it seems you want to be a mother at some point but not right now. There’s nothing to suggest you aborting this baby now will prevent you from having a baby in the future.

i grew up in poverty and it’s stressful, traumatic and makes your life that much harder even as you grow up to be an adult- it’s hard to come out of poverty/ low income if that’s all you’ve known. So don’t listen to pro life nonsense, you probably won’t just simply manage it, you’ll be in worse financial circumstances you are in now.

if you do want this baby then perhaps you need to think of how to give the child the best life possible. Can you get a stable job in the creative industry? Even if more commercial like weddings/ product shots? Or what about an art gallery job? I’m assuming it would be difficult to just simply move back to Australia like some posters are suggesting, can you afford a flight back? I’d imagine australia has a better quality of life and more support for low income families (I’m just guessing). Would australia be better for creative work?