17 weeks and I think I'm losing/lost the baby

[OopsImDoingItAgain]

Had another thread about midwife not finding the heartbeat and how I'm having a scan tomorrow, but I'm having cramps today in my lower back and down my thighs as if I'm about to come on and really sharp pains in my right hand side. I'm convinced I've lost the baby and my body is starting to catch up. I have tried phoning my midwife I don't think she's working today as no answer, I'm too early to go to the ward. What can I do? Or do I have to just sit tight until tomorrow?

Is the reason people are saying to fight for surgery so that it is less traumatising fo me me than actually passing it myself or because it's safer at this stage? They are coming back any minute for the pessaries and I'm anxious

Agree, I think I would push for surgical if you can have another conversation with the team. There is every chance the placenta and baby remains won’t all come out via medical management and you’d need a D&C anyway for retained products (sorry, the terminology is so awful). I think they like to push you towards medical because it’s easier to manage from a hospital resourcing perspective, you’re just in a room with a nurse, whereas surgical approach requires surgeon, anaesthetist etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is horribly hard but you will get through it and better times will come. Thinking of you and offering a hand hold.

Less traumatising, less painful, quicker, marginally lower chance of haemorrhaging. To answer your question quickly.

I'm worried about you now the chance of sepsis because you are passing decaying matter. Sorry to be so blunt.

I had no problems with subsequent pregnancy. The risk of damage from a surgical must be very small.

I pushed for surgery as baby was measuring 12 weeks. It's safe less risk of retained tissue and infection. The process is done quicker. Sone hospitals don't like it as requires surgery. Quick operation. Faster recovery time.

It's your body! I'm so angry for you having to fight for this. Person centred care. Not what is best for the hospital, for you. Xx

They're saying this is the best option for me and the safest at this point and I just feel really confused now

@OopsImDoingItAgain

They're saying this is the best option for me and the safest at this point and I just feel really confused now

To be quite brutal - if you were to go to BPAS at 13 weeks (17 weeks now - 4 for the month/time they said baby passed) - you'd have option of surgery, tablets etc.

So they're chatting wafflechops to you

OP, here is the NICE page on miscarriage just in case it might be of use:

cks.nice.org.uk/topics/miscarriage/

@OopsImDoingItAgain

They're saying this is the best option for me and the safest at this point and I just feel really confused now

Say that you understand their standpoint, but it isn't the right choice for YOU. I don't know if you feel up to arguing though?

They're doing what's best for them, dressing it up as what's best for you. It's your body, if you want surgical then push for it if you feel strong enough to argue your point. I'm sick of hospitals treating pregnant women like they don't know what's best for their own body.

If you can contact mental health team with your concerns they can advocate for you. I had their backing due to previous trauma. Do you have anyone there who can help you? X

Have they explained why they insist that's the best option for you? Specifically why if the embryo is measuring 12-13 weeks? I'd understand if you were 17 weeks pregnant, but that's not the case, if the baby passed 4 weeks ago it'll be the size of a 13-weeker.

Yes I had this at first. But I did my own research and made it clear. Woman are so vulnerable in hospital and we need support. Not concerns being brushed aside. Wouldn't do it for a bloke 😡

Bless you . Am so sorry. I would definitely want surgery…less traumatic for you and ensures everything has been removed.💐

I’m so sorry OP. Sending you all my love. Please look after yourself xxx

OP, take the tablets and pass your baby. Don't fret. It is no more cramping than you can handle. It will feel traumatic but there will be a sense of peace when you pass them.

I lost a perfect little girl at 14 weeks.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. There are charities that can help you to remember her. We buried our daughter with a short service.

It's ok to ask practical questions.

I had a natural miscarriage at 12 weeks (baby had died at 6) and a surgical miscarriage at 13 weeks (baby had died at 9).

Both carry (small but different) risks. Personally I found the surgical one was a lot less painful and a lot more "civilised" for want of a better description. It was a lot faster recovery too which was important to me as I had 3 dc at the time. I wasn't sure about seeing my baby after my surgical miscarriage. In the end I asked the nurse if she could look and then describe him to me which she did and I decided I didn't want to see. Although later I wish I had or at least had some photos taken so I could have the option to see him later. Would it be an option to have a private scan done of your baby or is time of the essence? I know my local hospital does private 3d scans for a fee and you can get lots of photos and a video. It might be a nicer option to see your baby that way rather than meet them after the miscarriage. My little one looked just like ds1 did at the same gestation on the scan. The only difference was the heart not beating and not moving.

You poor, poor, poor thing. I am beyond sorry for you.

I would push for surgical. They're probably trying to make their own lives easier. They will be able to tell you the sex I'm sure (though to be fair I don't know that know that).

If surgical really isn't an option (and it should 100%, do not let them fob you off, have your partner advocate for you) I would consider whether you can get a hotel room with an en suite for the medical. This might just be me but mine was pretty gory, and I was less far along. Having access to a bath (which I didn't have in my flat) would have helped and being able to leave the place where it happened behind would, I think, have been better for trauma.

So much luck and love and best wishes for the coming days, I hope that the people around you are amazing and that you get the abundant support that you deserve.

@Leaf86

Agree, I think I would push for surgical if you can have another conversation with the team. There is every chance the placenta and baby remains won’t all come out via medical management and you’d need a D&C anyway for retained products (sorry, the terminology is so awful). I think they like to push you towards medical because it’s easier to manage from a hospital resourcing perspective, you’re just in a room with a nurse, whereas surgical approach requires surgeon, anaesthetist etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is horribly hard but you will get through it and better times will come. Thinking of you and offering a hand hold.

This is a very very good post and just wanted to repeat it.

Honestly I think after a month trying to pass naturally is barbaric and possibly futile surgical procedures being needed anyway to prevent serious infection. I'd want written assurances for my solicitor . My DIL specializes in this. OPS husband needs to step up here

@OopsImDoingItAgain I'm not in a position to say the majority of recent posters are wrong, but some have certainly been insistent (perhaps with good reason). By all means ask the doctors questions but most mumsnetters aren't medical professionals privy to your details. It's making me uncomfortable that so many people are insisting your doctors are not acting in your interest without evidence.

You absolutely should have the choice for D&C at this point - I’m really surprised they aren’t offering you that as the best choice. You could have retained products at this point / infection / intense pain / psychological trauma from what you have to go through. I think you need to protect yourself here and get it over with the swiftest way possible without having to go through something so awful. You’re already suffering enough with the loss of your baby. I’m so sorry

The "risk" to you from a D&C/surgical procedure, aside from the very rare instance of a surgical mishap (eg perforated uterus) is Ashermans Syndrome which causes scarring on the uterus and can hinder future pregnancies. As I had had two D&Cs for miscarriages I quizzed the gynae pretty hard about Ashermans. In nearly 40 years of practice in a big london teaching hospital he'd never seen any cases.

Thinking of you. I'm so sorry this has happened.