Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

[quote ClaudiusTheGod]@Mumdiva99 Always someone around to defend the poor menz isn’t there. You should be ashamed of yourself.[/quote]
Actually what I don't think is helpful is telling a stressed worried PG lady currently in hospital to LTB, you've made a massive mistake etc etc Talk about kick someone when they are down. What she needs is a hand hold for today. The rest can be worked out in the future. (And the OP actually said he was normally a great BF).

If he really is a good BF the rest of the team then this was probably a mistake. He has probably been very stressed and worried too these last few weeks and drank a bit too much by mistake. (Maybe friends without kids didn't understand the current seriousness of the situation and egged him on.....come on last time you can do this...type comments.) The slagging off you can deal with when you see him......was he actually slagging you off or just making a bad joke which you understandably didn't find funny.

In these situations, there will always be posters who will tell you to gaslight yourself into believing he is someone else.

@deeplyrooted, that's one of the loveliest posts I've seen on MN (I found it rather moving TBH), and I hope @ddolly123 can gain some comfort from it Yes, wouldn't it be wonderful for women to be able to summon the help and support from other women IRL by sending a flare, and I agree we are surrounded by so many strong ones, on here and IRL.

I would turn to your parents and friends now if they're in a good place to help you. Whatever your partner does, he does. Don't put weight on it but focus on you. Don't get into arguments etc about the name now. Just turn your attention to the baby, yourself and others who will support you. He is irrelevant for the time being.

When your baby was in jeopardy he was getting drunk instead of supporting you.

Yes, @Tarne. & also:

When his baby was in jeopardy, he was getting drunk instead of rushing to the hospital, frantic with worry for his baby's survival.

Any chance he's been drugged/taken drugs? If he's gone from totally fine to not being able to speak over the course of an evening and it's very out of character, I would wonder.

Just shocking behaviour from him. Boo hoo he's been stressed. WTAF. You've been carrying a baby for how many months, and he can't go 2 weeks without getting plastered? Honestly OP I can't see how this bodes anything but terribly for his future as a father and co-parent....
And his comments slagging you off - just awful, anyone who would speak about me like this would be out of my life.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this, it must be horrendous.

I dont think id ever be able to forget that conversation I overheard tbh, and id be glad its your boyfriend and not your husband.
He has shown you that when you need him the most, not only can he not hack it, he cant be there for you when you are exhausted and in labour , and not only that but will betray you by insulting you and slagging you off and mocking you in front of his friends while you are in actual labour with his child.

Im actually quite a forgiving person, but to me, this is a massive act of betrayal and immaturity and should be a massive wake up call to you.
The person you choose as your life partner and father of your children surely needs to be loving, reliable and on your side

Dump him and don't co register the birth or give baby his name.

@RenGreen

Hope you and baby are ok OP. But I’m really confused one minute you’re saying baby will pop out any minute the next you’re saying the consultant wants you to wait until 36 weeks. What is the message you’re getting? The morphine conversation is unforgivable but I’m trying to get my head round were you in actual risk of going into labour or had he gone out based on it being as it had been for two weeks? I know you’re in pain but there is real inconsistency in your thread, I just want to understand what your medical situation is exactly! You must have some waters? You don’t have an infection? You are holding on until 36 weeks? Did you know all this before/after he went out?

Did you need to call all three mum’s? If you know he’s paralytic and the mum’s are on standby why you calling him?

FFS. Give it a rest with the questions. Maybe ditch the accusatory tone while you're at it.

He has shown you who he is OP.

When things get tough, he goes out without you, gets blind drunk and slags you off.

Hell do this the next time things get tough.

If I were you I'd block him on everything, I'd call my mum to be birth partner (or another female relative of friend) and focus on me and the baby.

After the birth I'd honestly kick him out and agree a coparenting agreement

@RenGreen

Hope you and baby are ok OP. But I’m really confused one minute you’re saying baby will pop out any minute the next you’re saying the consultant wants you to wait until 36 weeks. What is the message you’re getting? The morphine conversation is unforgivable but I’m trying to get my head round were you in actual risk of going into labour or had he gone out based on it being as it had been for two weeks? I know you’re in pain but there is real inconsistency in your thread, I just want to understand what your medical situation is exactly! You must have some waters? You don’t have an infection? You are holding on until 36 weeks? Did you know all this before/after he went out?

Did you need to call all three mum’s? If you know he’s paralytic and the mum’s are on standby why you calling him?

I don't know if you have ever had a difficult pregnancy, but it is not at all inconsistent in my experience. The consultant will say they want to get to 36 weeks, but they will be constantly monitoring the pregnancy, and at any appointment/symptom they could see a signal that pushes them to move immediately. It's the uncertainty that is so stressful.

Love, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
When I gave birth to my twins (by emergency C section), my bastard husband (now ex) was scoring drugs. I was that tired and in pain, I believed his lies and gaslighting.
I am SO thankful for my sister, who was able to be there with me.
He has behaved REALLY shittily and, tbh, it's a massive red flag, but only time will tell.
I really hope you and your baby are okay.
Xxx

@KerryWeaver

If he really is a good BF the rest of the team then this was probably a mistake. He has probably been very stressed and worried too these last few weeks and drank a bit too much by mistake. (Maybe friends without kids didn't understand the current seriousness of the situation and egged him on.....come on last time you can do this...type comments.) The slagging off you can deal with when you see him......was he actually slagging you off or just making a bad joke which you understandably didn't find funny.

In these situations, there will always be posters who will tell you to gaslight yourself into believing he is someone else.

There will also be posters who use absolute hyperbole and dramatics to twist her own words and cause an already frightened and vulnerable OP to be even more so. No one knows if this man is an abusive arsehole who needs to be dropped faster than a hot potato or a thick bloke who has acted out of character during a stressful time. Let’s not turn this into anything other than support for the OP.

I went into early labour at 23 weeks id already had a cervical stitch at 19 weeks ,I then had to be in hospital for 4 weeks , then was in and out of hospital and was on complete bed and pelvic rest with 2 weekly hospital appointments until I had my daughter at 34 weeks , my husband had to get his partner to basically take over our business and worked in the late evenings for 3/4 hours at most so he could look after our other 3 children who we kept off school due to not be able to go to the NICU if we caught covid , it was a nightmare however my husband didn't complain once , if its happening to you its happening to him its both your baby , I would leave him over this to be honest ...x good luck with your baby op x

@WonderfulYou

He still act like a dad even if his name isn’t on the certificate

Exactly.
The birth certificate is fo the baby’s benefit.

Why put ‘unknown’ under the fathers name when OP knows exactly who their father is?

The child will have that birth certificate for the rest of its life.
One or both parents could die or anything.

The birth certificate shouldn’t be used as a toy - it’s an official document.
You wouldn’t lie on any other official documents so why lie on something that belongs to your child.

No

In 2004 in England, the rules changed. If a father is listed on the birth certificate, he has a say, A power of veto on major decisions.

Just read around on the relationships board here. There are quite a few instances where a dick father with no real involvement in the child life. is deliberately interfering, just for the fun of having the power to do so.

There is one heartbreaking one where the bloke is preventing an unwell (and I seem to think SEN) child from accessing the schooling and medical support they need. He’s staying just on the right side of the courts, and claiming it Is in line with his personal beliefs, the mum is stuck. Literally every time she tries to resolve it, he pulls another stunt. Like a cat with a mouse.

You have to be very, very sure that the father will act in good faith.

This isn't the time to think about him or your relationship. Focus on you and the baby. Go to stay at your dad's because that's what you want to do and it will be a calmer environment for you. Text your bf and tell him he's to contact your dad for any updates from now on. Let your dad act as the contact point for your bf and tell your dad that you don't want to know what your bf is saying or doing.
You just need to focus on relaxing, de-stressing and prioritising you and the baby. Everything else can wait.

@deeplyrooted

Birth is a time to reach deep into your feminine heritage. It’s only relatively recently that men have been allowed into this space, and you absolutely don’t need him there (wanting a supportive partner is entirely understandable but don’t confuse need and want, or trick yourself into seeing him as something he cannot be).

It’s time to turn inward, focus on yourself and your baby, and know that you have, in yourself, everything you need for the journey you are on.

I can promise you that you will shortly look back, and be astonished that you could ever entertain thoughts like drama queen or burden

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

You are surrounded by clever doctors and midwives. You don’t need to fight. You don’t need to make any big decisions at the moment.

He will come home, be contrite and maybe you’ll go on together for another while and if that’s how it is, that’s ok too.

Sometimes I wish that these amazing groups of women that gather in cyber space could swoop in when we send up our distress flares and rescue each other in real life. But even writing that I realise that we are all around already - from the obvious groups like womens aid, to all those who send donations and care packages, to the midwives and health visitors keeping an eye out. You’re not alone. The trick is to learn to see past the carefully constructed illusion of romantic love that convinces us we are alone if we are unpartnered and have the courage to insist on better.

Sending you and your baby blessings

Ddolly, when this thread gets too much, because it is dealing with your reality, & you need to have short rest periods from mental strain as well as all the physical strain you are managing, please take a break from it & feel under absolutely ZERO pressure to deal with it or respond to any PP.

But - whenever you are ready to come back to it again - please earmark @deeplyrooted post, read it again & again, & remember that you are supported.
And that you may not get the support you want & deserve from your baby's father, but support is there for you from others, & you & your little child are worthy of receiving it
[tea]

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor

If it’s the first time he’s genuinely done anything remotely like this I would put it down to stress and worry over you and the baby. Doesn’t mean it’s right and I certainly wouldn’t forgive him straight away but if it’s not like him at all maybe he’s struggling.

Hopefully you will have someone with you to support you and both you and baby will be absolutely fine.

Why is it ok for the poor menz to struggle while women are literally carrying the baby and having to get on with it??

Stop it. Just stop

This sounds so tough, op. It's hard enough going through all that without having the person you're meant to rely on treating you like you don't matter.
Hearing that conversation would've made me seriously consider leaving him as I feel you're also meant to be friends and support one another through the hard times. His comments were absolutely disgusting when you're in pain and worrying so much, and he's not showing concern for his little girl either.

I hope you have a friend or family member who can be with you for the csection if it needs done, and you have some support elsewhere. I definitely think you need to realise you don't need him. Going off and getting drunk when you could be giving birth any day is beyond selfish.

Hope all goes well with you and your little girl, op.

@WonderfulYou

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such

I agree.
He acted like a twat but there’s no need to use the baby as a weapon to get one back on him.

If you want to dump him then go ahead - but don’t punish the baby.

It's not punishing the baby

Nothing is stopping him becoming a good father. And if a miracle occurs and he really does step up he can be added later.

But he shouldn't have PR right now.

There will be a great temptation for you to minimise this, as it will feel much easier to continue your plans as new parents, pushing this to one side. But as someone who was in a similar situation 30 years ago, I'd say try never to forget how serious this was, and what he is capable of, and manage your expectations going forward. Its all very well being lovely and supportive mostly, but if he's capable of letting you down in your current circumstances, you need to accept you can never fully rely on him. So if you stay with him, make sure you can take care of yourself and have a strong back up network.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. Really sorry. You have had lots of good advice here. All I want to say is do not give baby his name and do not put him on the BC. Just go and register her birth on your own as soon as you can. Without telling him until after. Her name can be changed within 12 months and he can be added to her birth certificate later if this (truly horrendous) behaviour on his part proves to be an absolute one off (for what it’s worth I don’t really subscribe to that, I suspect you are seeing a side to him now that is “real”, maybe not the only aspect of him, but a true dimension of his character). But should you be worried about the future in the event you stay together, it’s far better to give her your name and leave him off the BC as these decisions can be amended later. Once he’s on the BC and she has his name, that’s pretty much irreversible. Don’t engage in a discussion with him about this. Just get on and do it.

And as to the twat of a friend saying it’s not “fair” he’s on standby for 3 weeks. That’s what parenting is about. Being on “standby” (and more obviously). Years and years of being there for your partner and your children when they need you. Your partner might be 30, but he’s an immature asshole. I really wish you and your baby well.

I am going to go off on a tangent slightly but did the doctors really leave you for two weeks after your waters broke?

It was a while ago now (17 years to be exact ) so maybe protocols have changed but when my waters broke with DS but my contractions didn't really start, the doctors insisted on inducing me within a couple of days at most as they said there was a risk of infection. I actually asked them to wait as I wanted to avoid being induced but they gave me a day and then insisted I was booked in for an oxytocin drip induction as soon as possible after that.

As to the actual question in the OP - I'm sorry this is such an awful time for you and as to the OP, I think your (decidedly not D)P has behaved absolutely appallingly but as others have said, focus on the birth now and think about what you want to do about this after that. I personally would find what he did quite hard to forgive.