Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

Have someone with you who will support you through labour. I had my ex and it was a big mistake. When I was rushed into hospital at 22w and they thought I was loosing the baby he got angry that he would loose his money on an event that he had planned. Even said I had done it on purpose so he couldn't go. He did go anyway and left me alone. I asked him to bring things to the hospital for me, clothes etc. and he turned up an hour after visiting with a bag of stuff that he had brought in the hospital shop.

The way he's treating you is disgusting. If he's doing that before baby is here, it will only get worse afterwards.

It sounds like your in a high distressed state. Your having signs of being early labour so they are monitoring you and trying to hold off any delivery plans. There are no plans for a c section today as they have told you they want to hold off and monitoring for signs of infection. That sounds like the current situation.

What you need is a partner to be with you who can speak to medical team and understand what is going on. As your clearly not in a good emotional place. Sadly this man has shown you he cant do that - you need to choose the person you want with you at the birth of your child, a person you know who will be there 100%. I would also be taking them with me for future appointments as you need someone to advocate for you as you will find it difficult when so stressed.

(oh nd i wouldnt be able to forgive the nasty drunken phone calls)

He's an utter twat.

You are carrying his child. You and the baby are both in a difficult position at the moment, and you are in pain he will never experience and probably terribly frightened. He should be there for you. Not out getting drunk with mate and slagging you off as a pair.

I would struggle to come back from this with him. Be glad you're not married; it gives you an opportunity to rethink the whole relationship without the added pressure of requiring a divorce.

Send him to his mum's, as you said; tell him he's shown you a very ugly side when you were at your most vulnerable carrying his child, and you can't unsee that or unhear what was said to you and about you.

Hope you and the baby are doing ok.

That prick would be begging for a dollop of morphine if I was your friend OP.

There is no excuse for this. None at all. And deep down you know that but I get how scary uncertainty around your unborn AND your relationship can be. But, honestly and with kindness, save yourself a huge amount of heartache and shocking realisations. He’s a heartless wanker. And will not step up over the years if he’s capable of this.

OP, I've never been in this exact situation, but I did spend the period between 32 weeks and 36 weeks waiting to see when I would be induced, so I know a little bit about the stress and worry.

I think you should completely detach from this situation. He is not adding anything, and extra stress is the last thing you need. Regardless of what happens, the next few weeks are going to be difficult enough. Try to concentrate on yourself, and your baby. Get as much rest as you can, and try to ignore it, for now. Decisions about birth certificates can come later.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. As much as you can, focus on yourself and your little girl and deal with the relationship when you have the brain space.

If that means he needs to piss off and leave you alone for a while then so be it. If it was me I would take a grovelling apology when he wakes up and decide in the coming weeks if I can move forward. If no apology is forthcoming I would end the relationship.

Please keep us updated. There will be a lot of people who are thinking of you today.

I'd be concerned about what support you will get from him post delivery - especially if c-section.

I'd be preparing for other help just in case.

My DH decided himself that he did not want to go out drinking as HE wanted to be there for the delivery of his child and to support me.

If you've had discussions about whether his name is on the birth certificate or not this says a lot. Personally, I'd keep yours on there as you have no idea if he is in it for the long term and it's easier for mum with same name as child.

Hope his behaviour was one-off for your sake - but only you will know that.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such and by the OPs admission he's been fine until the last 2 weeks

It's absolutely not a dick move. It's about protecting herself and her baby.

Do you understand that this is about parental rights? If his name is on the birth cert, he gets an equal say in the DC's upbringing and had the power, for example, to prevent the OP moving away, should she want to.

I certainly wouldn't be rushing to do it, anyway. See how the first weeks pan out. If he doesn't step up or tries to minimise or excuse letting the OP down so badly, then I wouldn't be putting his name on it.

I believe it can always be added later, but not removed, can anyone confirm?

I agree with everyone. Don’t give the baby his name. If you decide to at a later date if he steps up and proves himself consistently.

And to anyone calling you a drama queen. Ask them if a person scared in hospital is a drama queen, or if that would better describe someone so fragile that instead of supporting someone else’s medical emergency they go out and get paralytic falling down drunk and make it all about them.

I don't think you are being dramatic. For now just think of you and your baby. Hope you are doing ok

@Mumdiva99 Always someone around to defend the poor menz isn’t there. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're in hospital and potentially giving birth to his child imminently and he's not picking up your calls?
His friend(s) are encouraging this
He is not a teenager getting cold feet
Red Flags
I hope you have been able to get support from somewhere else by now - Good Luck!

If it’s the first time he’s genuinely done anything remotely like this I would put it down to stress and worry over you and the baby. Doesn’t mean it’s right and I certainly wouldn’t forgive him straight away but if it’s not like him at all maybe he’s struggling.

Hopefully you will have someone with you to support you and both you and baby will be absolutely fine.

I have a feeling he will sober up and arrive, very sheepish, before too long.

If you have to go for a C-section, it will be quick. You won't be alone.

I'm so sorry you are going through such an awful time and hope the outcome is positive. x

@mathanxiety

Any advise on what to say when he wakes up tommoro would be great. I just feel like I don't want him around at the moment and I would like to rest at my dads. I'm in pain 247 so I can't deal with this x

Yes, I have some advice.

Tell him to go and fuck himself, and fuck his friend too while he's at it because he clearly feels more affection for him than for you.

If you are genuinely afraid that you are going to be called a drama queen for asking for help and for expecting your BF to provide it when you are going through a medical emergency, then you are living with people who do not care for you at all, and I hope you can find support to get away from them.

I would never forgive him for this. He let you down in the worst possible way when you needed him the most. There is NO excuse for this. Please don't give him a second chance.

This - 100%.

Disgraceful behaviour on his part I'm so sorry that you are going through this op. Good news is that it sounds as though you have some supportive people on your side. Rely on them not him. He's shown you can't rely on him when you most need him. I agree you should forget him for now he's a problem for another day focus on you and your baby and getting the support you need for right now. I hope your scan went well and you have managed to get some sleep. You will get through this you are stronger than you think. Sending best wishes for you and your baby girl xx

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such

I agree.
He acted like a twat but there’s no need to use the baby as a weapon to get one back on him.

If you want to dump him then go ahead - but don’t punish the baby.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such and by the OPs admission he's been fine until the last 2 weeks

It is nothing of the sort, & kindly stop projecting your internalised misogyny at a woman who has been suffering for 2 weeks & needs support, not a lecture from the Stepford Wives Society.

How dare you level this at her? -
"by the OP's admission" as if she is guilty of anything which needs 'admitting'?
& WTF kind of a defence is "he's been fine until the last 2 weeks"?
Is it from the same school of interminable fuckwittery that might say "but that mugger was a good boy until he punched an old lady in the face & nicked her handbag"?

He has clearly been anything but "fine", @bonetiredwithtwins.
If he had been, OP wouldn't be living with an expectation that she is not allowed to have emotions, not allowed to express pain, not allowed to expect anything expect get told to shut up & stop being a drama queen.
That expectation didn't come from nowhere.

Try to use your loaf before pompously opining on fatherhood rights.
Fatherhood - yes, just like motherhood - is a responsibility, not a right.
It needs to be earned, It takes responsibility, money, care, unselfishness.

So not putting a father who is incapable of that is far from being about "petty revenge", it is about protecting the responsible parent & her innocent baby from being controlled by a man who is not acting like a father, & is therefore cannot currently be trusted with full parental rights.

OP can rethink that when she's had a long time to consider for herself whether her b/f was ever actually "fine" or has any chance whatsoever of being "fine" in future.

Your entire post was dick move & I hope you rethink, & ask for it to be removed.

Why is it punishing the baby if you don’t put his name on the certificate? If he wants to be a dad he can put some effort in and go to court and get it added on. He still act like a dad even if his name isn’t on the certificate

If you want to dump him then go ahead - but don't punish the baby

This is not about punishing the baby, it's about protecting her. Would you want an immature piss head and his mates having 50/50 with her? Having a say in important decisions about where she lives, goes to school, medical matters? And being in a position to hold this over the OP? Because I sure as heck wouldn't.

Right now the jury is out as to whether he will make any sort of a father going forward, and the OP is being well advised to proceed cautiously and protect her child..

So sorry you're going through this, offering a hand hold. 💐
My oldest dc dad got so drunk he tried to punch his own dad, this was the week of ny DD and I thought I was starting off. He was too drunk to answer his phone. Thankfully I didn't have dc til a week later.
DC dad promised to buck up never did & he became my ex when dc was a baby.
focus on yourself and your baby who will be here before you know it x

He still act like a dad even if his name isn’t on the certificate

Exactly.
The birth certificate is fo the baby’s benefit.

Why put ‘unknown’ under the fathers name when OP knows exactly who their father is?

The child will have that birth certificate for the rest of its life.
One or both parents could die or anything.

The birth certificate shouldn’t be used as a toy - it’s an official document.
You wouldn’t lie on any other official documents so why lie on something that belongs to your child.

Is he a dad already? He sounds like a kid

Hope you are OK. You have a while (6 weeks?) after the baby is born to register a name. Don't rush into anything when something out of character has happened.

He has behaved terribly, but see how he follows up this episode before deciding what it means for the future. Raising a child alone would be a big decision for both you and the child and should not be made when you are in pain, sleep deprived and completely thrown by an uncharacteristic episode. Definitely a big alarm bell in my opinion, but try to make big life decisions as calmly and rationally as possible.

Hope the next couple of weeks brings you some relief and that you are able to enjoy your new baby.

Give yourself some time, you are in pain and in need of some decent sleep.
He really needs to do some serious appologising and sucking up, you are really in no rush to end your relationship over this but if you can't get over it (and that is your right) then you will have to decide how to split amicably and coparent your DD.
I hope you continue to cook baby for a bit longer xx