Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

And reading some of the responses on here - I despair.

Now is obviously not the time for LTB messages but all the women making excuses for his behaviour - is that what you put up with in your lives? Would you tell your sons that that sort of behaviour is understandable and forgivable?

If so, you really need to look at yourselves

Birth is a time to reach deep into your feminine heritage. It’s only relatively recently that men have been allowed into this space, and you absolutely don’t need him there (wanting a supportive partner is entirely understandable but don’t confuse need and want, or trick yourself into seeing him as something he cannot be).

It’s time to turn inward, focus on yourself and your baby, and know that you have, in yourself, everything you need for the journey you are on.

I can promise you that you will shortly look back, and be astonished that you could ever entertain thoughts like drama queen or burden

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

You are surrounded by clever doctors and midwives. You don’t need to fight. You don’t need to make any big decisions at the moment.

He will come home, be contrite and maybe you’ll go on together for another while and if that’s how it is, that’s ok too.

Sometimes I wish that these amazing groups of women that gather in cyber space could swoop in when we send up our distress flares and rescue each other in real life. But even writing that I realise that we are all around already - from the obvious groups like womens aid, to all those who send donations and care packages, to the midwives and health visitors keeping an eye out. You’re not alone. The trick is to learn to see past the carefully constructed illusion of romantic love that convinces us we are alone if we are unpartnered and have the courage to insist on better.

Sending you and your baby blessings

@tara66

Why don't you call an ambulance immediately?

They don't generally attend hospital patients.

@Mumdiva99

OK....one thing at a time. You are safe. You are in hospital (I think). I know you are scared but it's unlikely anything will happen in the next few hours.

BF needs to sleep it off so he will be use to you in the morning so stop calling him for now.

If he really is a good BF the rest of the team then this was probably a mistake. He has probably been very stressed and worried too these last few weeks and drank a bit too much by mistake. (Maybe friends without kids didn't understand the current seriousness of the situation and egged him on.....come on last time you can do this...type comments.) The slagging off you can deal with when you see him......was he actually slagging you off or just making a bad joke which you understandably didn't find funny.

Please please try to get some rest. You need it. You can deal with him tomorrow. I hope he comes running tail between his legs.

This, well said x

His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

His friend needs a visit from the Mumsnet Hitsquad.
His friend is a stupid little man who is incapable of imagining what you are going through.
His friend in an enabling little shit who thinks it's ok to sit around letting a man who needs to be ready for a hospital dash to preserve the life of his own child get so paralytically drunk he cannot walk.

Your boyfriend?
That drunk-dial call?
All the above, X 100.
At least he has told you who he is now OP.

Don't spend your own time trying to fix this or understand b/f's motivations right now. All your focus needs to be on you, & your baby.
Excuse me, as I have not time to RTFT yet, but will do when I come back. But I could not 'read & run' without sticking my nose in to say YES, Ddolly, you do have a right to be mad.

@deeplyrooted

Birth is a time to reach deep into your feminine heritage. It’s only relatively recently that men have been allowed into this space, and you absolutely don’t need him there (wanting a supportive partner is entirely understandable but don’t confuse need and want, or trick yourself into seeing him as something he cannot be).

It’s time to turn inward, focus on yourself and your baby, and know that you have, in yourself, everything you need for the journey you are on.

I can promise you that you will shortly look back, and be astonished that you could ever entertain thoughts like drama queen or burden

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

You are surrounded by clever doctors and midwives. You don’t need to fight. You don’t need to make any big decisions at the moment.

He will come home, be contrite and maybe you’ll go on together for another while and if that’s how it is, that’s ok too.

Sometimes I wish that these amazing groups of women that gather in cyber space could swoop in when we send up our distress flares and rescue each other in real life. But even writing that I realise that we are all around already - from the obvious groups like womens aid, to all those who send donations and care packages, to the midwives and health visitors keeping an eye out. You’re not alone. The trick is to learn to see past the carefully constructed illusion of romantic love that convinces us we are alone if we are unpartnered and have the courage to insist on better.

Sending you and your baby blessings

I originally came to say a whole bunch of everything that’s already been said about this being a massive red flag, and for me personally it would be a relationship breaker etc…then I read this post, and changed my mind. This is a lovely, supportive, encouraging post and I hope the OP can draw strength from it

This is awful for you @ddolly123 I'm so sorry.

Only you know what he's like usually and whether this really is a one-off response to stress and fear or if this is who he really is so it's hard to advise you but you just need to prioritize yourself and your baby from now on.

The relationship stuff can be sorted later. Get some friends and family on standby if they're needed. Send him to his mum if that's what you want, if you want him around then don't.

Do whatever you need but also have backup plans.

I'm not sure I could forgive what you heard on the phone because I don't believe people say stuff they don't mean they're just less guarded with their words.

I will say that I have a relative who was in your position with their second child. He'd already shown himself to be a shitty dad tbh but they went ahead with number 2 and she was ill all through the pregnancy.
They knew the baby was likely to come early and it was a very risky time. She'd had bleeding and was on strict bed rest.
He went abroad on a stag do and left her with a toddler daughter to look after and was too drunk and selfish to fly home. He's friends told him not not, he deserved to enjoy himself. Dicks!

Things didn't improve and whilst he was better for a while after, the relationship ended. I'm not sure she could ever forgive the way he behaved through her pregnancy and he'd shown how little he really thought of her and his kids and that continued.

He was honestly the model boyfriend before the kids. I guess I'm telling you this because it's common for pregnancy and parenting to really change a relationship and I think you need to be prepared that he might not step up.

[quote Nanny0gg]**@SilverDoe

I would be careful following some of this advice. Yes he has been a shit but things like cutting all contact and not putting him on the birth certificate is not sensible. If he is not listed as the father you cannot pursue him for child maintenance.

Nonsense.[/quote]
Agree this is nonsense. @SilverDoe the the CMS will request a meeting if you aren’t on the birth certificate or don’t think you are the father. Then the onus is on you to prove you aren’t e.g. through DNA test or medical evidence that you can’t have kids.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance1/Paying-child-maintenance-through-the-cms

I agree not to give the child his surname. Whether or not to put him on the birth certificate is a decision for another day. You don’t have to register the birth straight away so you will have time to think. As you are unmarried then he will need to go with you if he wants to be on the birth certificate so if he does a runner before hand then he’s taken that decision from you.

He will get parental responsibility if he’s on the birth certificate so if you think he will be a good father and not mess you about with court orders for access and refusing to let you take them out of the country on holiday etc then by all means add him. Otherwise it’s only in his interest to be on the birth certificate, not yours.

But as others have said, concentrate on yourself for now, get your mum or close friend to be with you as your bf has proven unreliable. Maybe ask him to stay away until after the birth to give you time to think and not get stressed by his behaviour. He might use this as a “get out of jail free” card to resume his bachelor life or it may give him a kick up the arse he needs.

Maybe he has been stressed out by seeing you constantly in pain. Maybe he thinks you are being a drama queen and if the Dr's aren't sending you for a Cs because the situation isn't that serious (you definitely are not being a drama queen BTW.) Maybe his friends aren't dad's themselves. He needs to realise he has you and his daughter to think about and certainly shouldn't have behaved the way he did. If I was you ,for now, I would focus on myself and my baby. Even if he comes crawling to you I wouldn't rush to forgive him. If he behaves like this now what's he going to be like at other times when you should be able to rely on him?. He's behaving like a man child. He's 30 he needs to man up NOW

You're not being emotional, unfortunately I think he's shown you his true colours.
I'd definitely be packing bags and telling him to eff off. I hope your parents are supportive because if I had a daughter there is no way I'd be forgiving the boyfriend in this situation.
Birth is when you are at your most vulnerable.. this is when men should be at their best and most supportive not at their worst.

This is only the start this is how my ex started,

How awful to say that about you to his friend I that situation. For me that would be the worst thing out of his behaviour. I would completely stop texting him now, turn off your phone and tell the midwife’s you don’t want to take any calls from him for the next day or so, and see how you feel about him.

You have every right to be mad and I would be absolutely fuming!

However you have more important things to think about right now and being stressed out is not going to be good for you or the baby.
Stop ringing him constantly.

What’s he’s done is completely unfair as this will be something you remember for the rest of your life.

It could be a sign of things to come as many men change when their partner has a child or just as likely he’s scared and worried about you and the baby and ended up having too much to drink thinking it would help.

I wouldn’t pay any attention to what you overheard - we all vent when we feel overwhelmed and say things we don’t mean.

@ddolly123

I hope you're getting some sleep now 🌷

You'll never be secure in this relationship now. He doesn't have your back while you're in this situation, he never will. If he can't prioritise his daughter & you when things are thus bad, he never will.

You heard him say what he said about the morphine. He considers staying sober enough to go to the hospital with you when you & his daughter are in this situation, to be a burden. He's not there for either of you.

Register without him, don't put him on her B/C & give her your surname, YOU kniw YOU'LL Never abandon her, you cannot say the same for him.

I get that you WANT to think the best of him, want this not to have happened, to just forget about it, but you won't, you'll always hear him saying what he said & you'll never be sure of his live & commitment to you both. If you wallpaper over this enormous crack, it'll look fine at first, but the crack will soon show until it's enormous.

Text him to go to his mothers & to stay there.

Work out the practicalities later.

Just follow the consultants lead, they'll cook her for as long as possible, but they'll also know when she's better off out than in!

Big hugs & lots of strength coming your way x

Oh for goodness sake do NOT give tjis baby his name please.
Help yourself on that point.

Focus on getting through this.
You will be fine.

But moving on from this?

I don't think so.

He has just shown you EXACTLY who he is, at 30!

Whatever you decide, help yourself by not expecting reliability and dependability from this excuse.

Wishing you the very best.

OP, I hope you have had your scan and all is well.

Right now you need to shift the focus from how he has behaved and made you feel, to being as strong as you can for yourself and your baby.

Stop calling/texting him and even though it is hard, focus on you and the baby.

You aren’t going through this alone, the baby is also with you and you have to do all you can to not let anything in your control (such as the stress and upset you feel) impact her.

You are a mum, you are strong and with or without him there with you, you will get through this like the badass mum you already are.

Hope all is well OP and that your scan has gone well.

I totally agree with the other posters saying now is the time for your focus to be on you and your baby. Switch off your phone/mute calls from him for the time being. Just remember if this is how he behaves when you are at your most vulnerable then how the heck will he behave when things get tough with a newborn.

Only you can decide if this relationship has a future (and I agree that baby gets YOUR surname), but bear in mind the old adage, when someone shows you who they are - believe them.

I don’t think there can be any excuse for his behaviour, or what he said to you, whether it was egged on by his friends or not. He’s about to be a father FFS - he’s 30 and he’s behaving like a teenager. If you’re looking for advice as to what to say to him next, here’s my twopence worth. Tell him you’re disgusted that he could be so irresponsible towards you AND his child, as to know that you are in serious difficulties with the pregnancy, and STILL go out and get into that state. Tell him you felt completely abandoned. He probably won’t remember what he said to you, so remind him. And then tell him that drink tends to bring out the truth and and ask him if that’s really how he feels, because he’s made you feel like you’re a drama queen for needing his support through a very difficult time. If that’s how he feels now, how is he going to cope with fatherhood ? And it’s a difficult time for you both, not an excuse for him to cry ‘stress’ and then get so pissed he’s useless to anyone - the time to let off a bit of steam is when your baby arrives safely, not when you need him for support. If your relationship is to continue then you have to make it clear to him that his priorities should be you and his child. He needs to step up and grow up.

@mathanxiety

If he really is a good BF the rest of the team then this was probably a mistake. He has probably been very stressed and worried too these last few weeks and drank a bit too much by mistake. (Maybe friends without kids didn't understand the current seriousness of the situation and egged him on.....come on last time you can do this...type comments.) The slagging off you can deal with when you see him......was he actually slagging you off or just making a bad joke which you understandably didn't find funny.

Fuck me sideways.

I have seen it all now.

@mathanxiety I’m glad you said exactly what I was thinking 🤣🤣

A mistake?! 😳🤣

He’s bloody lucky he’s not mine! I’d have had the locks changed and my number changed straight off the back of that phonecall!

Well you know he shouldn't have done that - he shouldn't have gone out at all. No way in the world would any decent partner do that.

Two weeks for him had been stressful ? Well call the fucking waaambulance.

It's up to you but I get you won't be in a good place to make a decision about your relationship in the middle of all of this.
This is the "easiest part" for him - he literally doesn't need to do anything just be there for you.
The next part is where he will need to dedicate his life in the main to his child ..... it's not easy but it's what good parents do.

He hasn't had the chance to do that yet so personally I'd let him try.

I wish you all the best op and hope baby arrives safely and you recover quickly

And @ddolly123 - good luck with everything with you and baby. I hope your scan has gone well. You’re in the best place for you and baby to get any care you need 😊 look after yourself and try to just focus on you and baby!

Honestly OP he doesn’t deserve your energy right now, he’s made it crystal clear what his priorities are and that’s not you or your unborn daughter. From your posts it looks like you’re thinking of letting him off scot free, please don’t do this OP, he has to know that this behaviour will not be tolerated otherwise it sets a precedent. I know you’re scared and alone but any man who has to be begged to be there for his partner and unborn child is not a man who is ready to be a father. Can you get your Mum and his Mum to rally around for support? I’m sure they will be shocked and disgusted at his behaviour as we all are. Good luck OP.

I’d think very carefully about putting this fool on the birth certificate, he isn’t ready to have parental responsibility.

Really feel for you and hope he has a banging head- maybe he could have some morphine for that. Focus on you but be very cold with him

Omg!! I'd be having the baby and fucking DP right off, I wouldn't even put his name on the birth certificate after hearing that conversation! And his friend is dick for saying your DP shouldn't be on call!!

Forget him for now, you really do have more important things to worry about. Get your mum in, if you was my daughter I'd be furious with DP and I'd be by your side in a heart beat!

Good luck OP, I really hope things go well for you and thr baby